Andrew II

October 7th, 2012

Fuckin’ A man, the past few days have been amazing. I kissed the girl of my dreams and convinced her to come to homecoming with me. I’ve been getting paid at this drug dealing shit and my name is starting to grow. I couldn’t ask for more. Nothing can fucking stop me, not even these ghosts that never leave.

I put on my shirt and open my room’s door to leave but Sara is standing on the other side. “Where are you going?” she asks.

I don’t stop for her and head to the front door, “Out.”

She follows. “I need to talk to you.”

I sigh, stopping when I open the door. “Can it wait? I have business.” and I leave it at that. I hear her shout my name but it doesn’t matter; Acid doesn’t like to wait. Sure, I want to hear her out but she’s a big girl, whatever it is Sara can figure it out.

Acid is in his black Honda smoking a cigarette. He’s been waiting for me for two minutes which is far too long. He drives us to Seattle, in Capital Hill to be correct. The whole area is nothing but white rich folks. Acid rambles how the bill to make weed legal is 100% going to pass. I tell him the city’s been growing, but passing the bill will further help it. The city will be too expensive to live in pretty soon.

Acid chuckles as he stops by Dick’s and grabs himself a burger before we get to work. Our first stop is a house not far from the Drive-in. I’ve done this before, today should be no different. Acid asks if I have my gun on me but I don’t need one. I don’t need one to intimidate some upper-class bitch with bad financial decisions.

I walk to the house and ring the doorbell. A dog inside goes into a frenzy and it’s promptly told to shut up which it does after a couple of seconds. Some young guy opens the door, far too young to own this house. “What do you want?” he says.

“It’s time, mate.”

“You’re new,” he scoffs. “Where’s the girl?”

“Not here to answer questions, just need the money.”

“Sure, sure,” the guy complies and pulls out the money he owes Lyle and gives it to me. “See you in two weeks.”

I don’t say anything back and just walk back to the car. I love pickups like these; short and simple. I don’t have to do anything and it flies by. This is how most of the day should go. At least I hope.

Lyle runs a business. Aside from the drugs and other things he also loans people money. Part of my duties is to collect. It’s a two-man job and it’s usually Lye and Acid that do it. I don’t understand why Lyle would personally get his hands dirty, but I’m sure it’s an ego thing. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen him anyways.

What bothers me is why he asked for Elizabeth. He didn’t know she was dead, besides and more importantly, they only met once. Shit, then that would mean that meeting turned into something more. The only reason Lyle would ever ask about someone if it’s if they owe him money or is working for him. I wonder which is Ellie.

“What did Lyle want with Elizabeth?” I ask Lyle on the drive to the next stop.

“Hmm?” he turns down the music. I repeat myself. “Oh. He was just curious. Don’t worry about it.” Acid was quick to brush it off as inconsequential. Something is up.

I know I didn’t have shit to do with her death. Ain't my fault bitch was crazy. Still, if Lyle was involved that could fill the gaps of our knowledge. Elizabeth asked for Lyle to get direct contact with the drugs after Cody threw a fit and made us stop giving her stuff. She could have owed him money and couldn’t pay it off. No. That doesn’t explain the gun.

She started to work for him. That’s who that white boy asked about when he opened the door earlier.

What the fuck happened then?

It’s no use to think about it now. I have a job to do. This one’s on Queen Anne and on a fucking hill. Fuck I hate them. This time it’s some mom. Her kids are playing some video games in the living room. She doesn’t hesitate to give me the money and I only have to thank her. Shit, I don’t know how people make shit so complicated.

Fremont is up next. An apartment this time. Before I even knock I can already guess how this will go down. Sure enough, a crackhead answers. “Time to pay up, yo.”

“Shit man. I don’t have it all. Just give me a day or two,” he says but I don’t listen. I don’t wait for him to try to say anything else and instead I just beat him to the ground. It doesn’t take much, just a couple hits to the head. For a crackhead, he keeps the apartment clean. I find his bag of coke on the living room counter and take it. I don’t need anything else. What these people don’t understand is that it isn’t about the money that Lyle wants. He could give no shits about that. Maybe this guy will learn next time I’m here but probably not. They usually don’t.

“Not compliant?” Acid asks when he notices the blood on my fists.

I toss him the bag and he puts it inside his blazer in a pocket somewhere. “What’s with the new guys? I haven’t done this route before.”

“Don’t matter.”

But it does. I have a feeling this was Elizabeth’s route. I wonder who she did runs with.

I get home a little after two. Dad is once again passed out with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. I lie down on my bed and check all the messages I’ve gotten throughout the day. Of course, none of them matter save for one person. That person is, of course, Emily. Just seeing her name makes my heart jump a beat. It’s a shitty ass new feeling but fuck it.

“You have a second?” Sara enters my room.

“The fuck you want?”

“I want to go to Mom’s grave.”

Mom?

“Why?”

“I miss her.”

I stare at her in disbelief. It’s been years since we have been there. Mom; a ghost that haunts me. “Okay.” I don’t know why I agree.

The neighbor is an old fart that is never home and always keeps his old Toyota in his driveway. He keeps the keys under the car with a magnet. I’ve been driving this car ever since I discovered this fact. This is how we get to the cemetery on the outskirts of the town.

“Thanks,” Sara says as I park.

“What are you doing here?”

Especially today of all days. Is something going on? I haven’t paid attention to my sister for a while now. Last I heard she’s fucking Lucas. Did they break up?

Sara doesn’t say anything and walks towards our mom’s grave. Shit, it’s been nine years now. None of us has been the same since. I stand about ten feet away from her as Sara stares at the grave. I haven’t been here for about five years now. Part of me feels I don’t want to explore those emotions again, but I know the real reason.

“She was so kind, wasn’t she Andrew?”

“Huh?”

“Mom. She took care of us. She loved us and then one night, poof, gone.”

What is she talking about?

“Do you have a cigarette?” My twin sister asks.

I walk up to her and hand her one. I take this time to look at the grave. It’s worn out by now. Angelica Mera. “Do you need a light?”

Sara shakes her head. “I miss her. I want her to talk to her again. I want to know what to do. She always knew what to do.”

Is she high? When did Sara start thinking Mom was a good person? She fucking killed herself in front of her for Christ’s sake. Is Sara repressing all of that now? What the shit. “Sara, you know-” I stop myself. Nah, after everything I think she needs this right now. “I miss her too.”

“Elizabeth’s death. That was my fault too, wasn’t it?”

I scoff. “Of course not,” I look to my right where Elizabeth’s grave should be. I see it faintly in the distance. Every gravestone is old and withered, except for hers. Her death has been the most recent. “No one’s at fault.”

Sara chuckles, “Didn’t you get her pregnant? A lot of people blame you on that one.”

“Shit, I didn’t know. And from what I heard, neither did she. What makes you think you were at fault?”

“I encouraged her to do all that coke and E. She talked to me about death and I just let it slide.”

“By that logic, we’re all at fault.”

“Maybe. By the way, Did Cody ever talked to you about getting her pregnant? I still haven’t heard anything.”

“Cody doesn’t give a shit. You done here?”

Sara nods, “Yeah let’s go.”

On the way home I stop by the only 7-Eleven in town. Sara joins me and pays for her drink. The clerk here never pays attention and I just take the shit and walk out. Why give a shit?

“Ems told me you’re taking her to homecoming,” Sara tells me when she enters the car. “Wish you could take me but whatever.”

“You have Lucas, the fuck you need me for?”

“Whatever,” Sara sighs.

I end up driving us to the town’s park. This is where we spent most of our childhood. Thinking about it now I guess I was here to be away from home. I wonder how Sara feels.’

She sits on the grass of the hill that overlooks this shitty town. Sara holds the cigarette I gave her between her fingers and she just stares off into the distance. I’m not an idiot, something is seriously bothering her. I could ask but that would be giving a shit.

Do I want to give a shit?”

Fuck. I don’t know.

I just stand a few steps away smoking my cigarette and wait for Emily to reply to my text. Maybe it’s good for the soul to do this once in a while; to just sit somewhere and do nothing. Everything happens so fast in my life that I don’t ever stop to think about things. But that would be giving a shit

It’s those fucking ghosts man. The past, the future, it’s all a ghost here to haunt me. It just as Chris says, we worry too much about everything that is going on that we don’t realize that none of it matters. That fucker’s mind is something else. I know I’m smart but shit, Chris is a whole different being. Like what the fuck does he know about these ghosts; about my mom, my father, my demons and this shitty fucking life I have.

It’s moments like these where I want to die.

But fuck that shit bro. This is why I don’t give a shit.

These thoughts go away when Emily texts back.

How long has it been since we spent most of the day together? Not since Mom died I think. I do a bump, then another. My sister sets one up for herself and laughs when I notice it’s a fat one. We stare at this forest town together and say nothing. How long has it been since we enjoyed each other’s company? How long has it been since I told Sara that she’s the only person I care about?

“Why do you do it?” Sara asks.

“Do what?”

“Sell drugs.”

I shrug. I thought about it a lot before. I would like to say I came out with a profound and justifiable reason why, but I can’t. I just want to ruin lives and make other people miserable. I’m viewed as this uncontrollable force of nature so that’s the act I play. If the world wants to destroy me, why shouldn’t I destroy it back? “Because it’s something to do,” I tell Sara.

After Elizabeth’s suicide, I had trouble sleeping. I had nightmares and felt hopeless. I even missed her. The world felt lonelier like it lost something it needed. I realized that these emotions made me weak so I cast them aside. Being miserable is being human and I’m not trying to be human. I’m leaving my humanity behind. Why the fuck do I need to be weak. Weak people die like Ellie and Mom.

“Do you ever think about stopping?”

Like Lyle would ever let me. “No. What’s with the 20 questions?”

Sara puts the cigarette in her mouth but doesn’t do anything with it. She does this a lot. “You ever think that we do this to ourselves? Like we blame our problems on everything else but ourselves.”

“Humans are too self-centered to ever admit their faults.”

“What about you? You’re never scared of anything, Andrew. Do you admit your faults? I know you better than anyone.”

Of course, I admit my faults. I rise above them. “There isn’t anything to admit,” I laugh. “I’m a piece of shit, Sara.”

“You’re lost like the rest of us,” she says under her breath. Maybe she meant for me to hear her. “Right.”

“What the fuck is up with you today?”

“I’m just sad today,” Sara shrugs.

“You’re being a pussy.”

Sara laughs. I’ve always enjoyed her laugh and it’s a bit sad she doesn’t do it often enough. “Maybe, but it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay soon enough.”

“That’s the spirit!”I laugh and then get up. I raise my middle finger to the town, “Fuck this world!”

Sara gets up and grins with me. Together we flip off this world and scream, “Fuck this world!”