Cody

September 21st, 2012

It’s the rain, yeah? Its innocence is what corrupts you. There are years where it doesn't rain for months. There are years that it rains for days on end. The dry months are worst. They bring out the forest fires and they all have a smell to them. They have a certain sweetness to them that lies to us that everything will be okay. Watching it all burn down is a beauty unmatched by anything immortal. Then the rain would come in. Everywhere around is soaked and everyone stays inside. The heavy rain seems to make the world stop. But like the forest fires, the rain also has a smell to it. It’s the sweetness that comes from the ground starched for its innocence. We call it Petrichor; that is the beauty that fades.

And it’s why it’s beautiful.

And it doesn’t help that this town is the suburbs of the suburbs. There’s nothing around but small stores. There’s nothing but silence and nothing to do. It’s why we’re all looking for ways to have fun; to get fucked up. Even the purists cave in, they all do. And it just fucks them up.

Chris passes me the blunt after taking one of the biggest hits in history. The guy knows how to hold it in.

I watch Emily and Sara enter the school from the nearest doors from the parking lot. Emily doesn’t notice me, just how I like it. Emily still carries that yellow aura around her. She hasn’t changed a day with her red crimson hair. She says it’s copper-red but it’s crimson to me. Emily has always had a frail body. Weak and sometimes even anorexic. She uses sweaters and coats to hide. Even when she has bags under her eyes from never sleeping, she still truly is beautiful. Her sickness is what consumes her. It’s been a while since it has affected her and it’s long overdue to come back.

Two nights ago she called in a panic. Her father had just got laid off and took it pretty hard. She’s been dealing with that lately and she couldn’t handle it. When Emily can’t handle things she tends to get anxiety attacks. They don’t happen often but it seems I’m the only person who could and can ever calm her down. It’s one of the many promises we have and one of the ones I promised myself to keep.

Emily laughs. In response, I smile. Every time she smiles it reminds me how much I love her. I know I’ve been in love with her since we were kids. She’s the girl I’m destined to marry, but lately, that fate has been hazy. It’s been so hazy that I’m losing the sense of who I am.

She always keeps asking me, texting me, calling me, “Why are you being so distant?”

And I never tell her anything.

I don’t know.

Chris lights up a joint. We’re at the highest point in Darkwood. It’s a park’s hill that overlooks the main streets of the town. The only thing up here is a bench, it’s where we’re sitting.

“Emily told me you drugged that Grace girl they been hanging out with. Why?” I ask him.

Chris likes to take time with his responses. “She didn’t tell you?”

“You know she did. I know you didn’t tell her the truth.”

“I actually told Sara,” he chuckles as he takes a drag. He passes it to me. It’s the only drug I take. “Would you believe me that I did it to help her?”

“Help her?”

Chris shrugs and pulls out a vile of a blue liquid. It’s Winter. Years ago it was all the rage in the midwest but it disappeared out of nowhere. Now it has come back. “Lyle gave me it to study and reproduce it.” I hate this, I hate his responses but I stay silent. “Well, I manage to do so and found out some interesting things.”

“Like what?”

“That Lyle shouldn’t get his hands on it. It’s powerful, safe, and dangerous.”

“Dangerous? You said it’s safe.”

“The chemical compounds can be altered in bad ways,” he shrugs.

“What does this have to do with the freshman?”

“Nothing,” he chuckles again, taking the joint away from me. “I gave her a modified powder of Winter. My version. It’ll help from developing addictions.”

“Is that even possible?”

“In theory,” My best friend takes a hit and stands up. “I’m something of a mad scientist, Cody. One day I’ll unlock the world’s secrets.”

I laugh at his response. He gets odder by the day. Chris is a completely different person from who he was three years ago. He’s too intelligent for his good. Right now he’s playing around with chemistry. I don’t understand how he does it, but he often makes his drugs. It’s usually Molly or LSD. Chris is almost always on LSD. I guess when your parents aren’t around, there are no limits for an 18-year-old.

“You wrote about Elizabeth yet?” Chris asks.

“Of course I have.”

“Anything good?”

“I don’t know.”

“Let me hear.”

I pull out my phone per his request. I find the writing and take another minute to find the beat. The music gets in my eyes and I concentrate. My mouth opens on its own.

“The school called again,” is the first thing my mother says when she comes home from work. “I’m more surprised you’re home,” she sighs, dropping her purse on the kitchen table next to me. “But I’m still curious as to why you haven’t been going to your classes.”

“Don’t need ‘em.”

“So instead you would rather eat a bowl of cereal? Code, I know the death of your friend is hard, but you can’t let it affect your school.”

Mom ruins my appetite. I place the spoon on the half-empty bowl and sit upright. “I’ll be fine. It’s still early in the semester.”

Mom sighs and crosses her arms. It’s like this every day I see her. It never ends; my mom standing in the middle of the kitchen worrying too much about me. I suppose it is a mother’s duty to worry about her youngest son, but where’s Dad when she needs him?

That’s right. He’s gone for weeks on end and I barely see him anymore. Whenever he is, Mom always starts a fight with him and all I can do is listen. At least I’m not alone in a shit homeless. Everyone has one, or at least close to one.

“Alright, just don’t get yourself in trouble.”

“Thanks.”

“Your father is going to hear about this. He’s not gonna like it. He still wants you to go to college. It’s not something you can run from.”

I scoff, “Like he’s around in the first place.”

“Cody,” Mom sighs. “He’s doing the best he can in the position he’s in. You know how hard his job is.”

I stand up and dump the milk on the sink. “You can tell him I have better dreams than doing what he wants. Look at where it took Travis.”

“Your brother is doing fine.”

I laugh, “Not from what he told me.”

Mom walks past me and opens up the pantry. She usually doesn’t cook. “How about we have a nice dinner and we can talk about it. Why don’t you invite Emily as well? I haven’t seen her in a few weeks.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Maybe? That didn’t sound so assuring. What’s going on with you two.”

I sit back down on the kitchen and table and pull out my writing notebook. Mom has started to get ingredients out of the fridge. “Nothing.”

Mom snorts, “Please, Emily is like a daughter to me. I know when you two are fighting.”

We aren’t fighting. I’m keeping my distance. I could sit here and talk about this with my mom to figure out why but that would require me telling her everything. Mom is in the dark about Elizabeth’s death. I can’t tell her about the party. I can’t tell her anything about last summer. Only I know the truth, but even that gets me nowhere.

“Cody did you know I’ve lived here my entire life? I’ve seen everything this town can do to you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Back then nobody ever dared to go inside the forest. There were no drugs, no parties in the middle of the weekdays. With each passing year, I have seen more and more people die here. It seems to get worse each year.”

“So why are we still here?”

“Change cannot happen if you run away from it,” Mom smirks at me. “Go to your room and catch up on your schoolwork, I’ll call you when dinner is ready.”

Emily is sitting across from me at the dining table. She isn’t hiding in sweaters or jackets; she’s wearing a blank tank top and gym shorts. I can see her frail little body and I start to wonder why I’m hiding from her. She’s my world.

I can’t have her here. She makes me uncomfortable but I can tell she’s pleased to be here. Mom asks her a bunch of questions that don’t matter. The two talk like mother and daughter. Mom’s right, Ems is part of the family. Mom made sure of that during Emily’s parent’s divorce four years ago. She took care of her and assured her it wasn’t Ems fault. There was a time when Emily would spend days at a time with us.

I think those were the best days of my life. That was before we knew what this town was about. We were just kids without a care in the world.

“Ems, you're looking a lot healthier. I’m really proud of your progress,” Mom says out of the blue. Emily doesn’t like to talk about her weight, my mom knows this.

Emily smiles. It’ brings warmth to me. “Thank you. The doctors are telling me I have about 15 more pounds to be at a healthy weight. “I’ve been gaining about a pound every two months.”

“Is that healthy?”

Emily finishes the food and nods. “It’s a lot better than not doing anything,” she laughs. Of course, what she doesn’t tell my mom is that the progress would be faster if Emily wasn’t doing coke every weekend. “Cody makes sure I eat enough at school.”

I don’t know why she lies but she’s looking at me like she’s trying to provoke me.

Mom blushes. She ships us more than anyone in both our families. “You two are so cute together. I wish you would just admit that you’re boyfriend and girlfriend already.”

“Mom!” I speak up for the first time during dinner. Emily just chuckles.

“Emily have I told you how Cody would refuse to leave the hospital until you got better? Jesus got so mad at you for missing so much school,” She says to me.

“Like grades in elementary school matter,” I respond.

“That’s what I tried to tell him,” Mom chuckles. “Anyways, Ems, you should have seen him.”

Emily has this big grin on her face because she knows I don’t like the story. It’s like she gets this big satisfaction knowing that I love her. “Yeah, I heard the story a thousand times, Elana.”

“That’s when I knew you two would spend your entire lives together.”

Emily blushes.

Dinner becomes stale with school talk. I’m more at ease now. Maybe I’ve been overreacting. Still, I haven’t found my answer as to why I’ve been avoiding her. Maybe I’m scared that my mom’s wishes won’t come true. It’s counterproductive.

Emily sits at the edge of my bed and kicks her legs back and forth. “It’s been ages since we have been here together.”

I’m on my desking writing on the last page of my notebook. “It’s been about two months, I think.”

“Actually, two months and 13 days,” she chuckles. “Does this mean you’ll stop ignoring me?” I don’t answer. “I’m glad you’re still writing. Have you been practicing on your voice?”

“Of course I have.”

“You make me sad now. I’m losing my best friend. Rather, you’re losing me. Stop ignoring me, Code. Come sit with us during lunch, come to class. Stop hiding.”

I get fed up with Emily being in my house. “C’mon, we’re leaving,” I say, leaving the room.

Emily follows closely behind. “Where are we going?”

“To Lucas’ party.”

Emily grins.

I pick Chris up first and then Sara. Andrew texted me saying he’s already there.

“Shit, Chris give me some Yay,” Sara asks.

“Not it the car,” I demand as Chris tosses Sara a small baggie of cocaine.

Fuck I hate how things are now.

We arrive at Lucas’ party who’s throwing it for his sister, Alyssa. They’re the richest family in town. They practically live in a mansion. It’s barely Ten and the party is raging. Sara disappears and Chris sits on the couch in the living room like usual. Every kid in school and even those in different schools greet me. The feeling isn’t mutual except for Andrew who he goes nuts once he notices I arrived.

After a few beers and a game of beer pong with Andrew, I finally notice Emily sitting with Chris. She notices me too and smiles but I don’t return it and brush it off as if I didn’t notice her. But I can’t keep my eyes off her. She’s laughing with Chris. He’s there for her more than me now. I don’t know how I feel about that. Angry, I guess; at myself.

Everything moves fast at parties. In second everything is cool and in the next, the cops come. That just how things go. Darkwood parties go even faster. Everyone is drunk, on cocaine, heroin, meth, weed, speed, and narcotics. Everyone is fucking crazy.

There’s a circle formed around the giant living room and I pay a second of attention when Carlos breaks the beer pong table by falling on it. The fight doesn’t interest me. It’s all the same as every other one. The two will just brush it out and call it even.

I go to the backyard where people are savoring what’s left in warm autumn by jumping into the pool. The yard is neighbored by the woods. It’s just like my own house. Nothing but darkness awaits there. When I was younger I used to explore them. I’m sure if I would like to go in them and look I could find the treehouse Emily and I built when we were just little kids.

So that’s what I do. The woods that surround central Darkwood are creepiest at night. Once someone goes in, it hard to figure out how to get out without some sort of navigation. My entire childhood was spent here so getting lost isn’t a problem for me.

It’s all so silent. The only noise is the sound of my feet breaking twigs and my thoughts. After a few minutes of walking, I manage to find the old treehouse. It’s hard to see but I’m sure it’s pretty beat up. The treehouse was surprisingly sturdy for being built by two eight-year-olds and my father. Now it’s falling apart because it hasn’t been getting repairs since the start of my sophomore year. I stare at it for a few minutes, reliving the awesome and fun memories that I had with Emily. I remember Emily asking me to take her virginity there near the end of the eighth grade. I remember Emily reading me her made-up stories sixth grade. I remember Emily smiling and laughing fourth grade. I miss that Emily. The one who didn’t care if I did my own thing.

The silence is broken by a girl voice’s scream. It’s near the creek and I doubt anyone outside the woods would ever hear it. As I investigate, the female voice starts to yell out curse words and then I hear the sound of a tree branch snapping.

There’s a girl. There’s a small, skinny girl breathing heavily with her back facing me about ten feet in front of me. She doesn’t notice my presence. “Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you!” She cries out. The small girl picks up a broken-off tree branch and slams it in front of the tree she’s standing in behind off. She calms herself down and drops the snapped tree branch.

“Is that how you take care of your problems?” I ask. The girl becomes extremely startled to the point where she turns around with a knife facing me.

“W-who are you?” She asks.

“I’m the man who’s going to kill you tonight,” I joke but I doubt she’ll know that. The girl, based on the dim moonlight on her looks like a middle schooler but I wouldn’t be sure. “I asked you a question, answer it.”

The girl raises the knife higher and backs up to the tree. “You try to touch me and I’ll cut you.”

I laugh inside and decide to walk a few more steps so I can scare her. I stop for a second to ask myself why I’m doing this. “What were you mad about?” I ask, then take more steps forward so I can get a better look at who she is.

“Stay away from me!”

I take two steps forward with the knife now being a foot away from my throat. I get a better picture of the girl’s face. It seems slightly familiar but it’s still obscured by the darkness. “Relax, I’m just fucking with you. Are you being bullied?” I ask. “You shouldn’t be in the woods at night, it can be near impossible to find your way out.”

“Then what are you doing here?!”

“Revisiting old memories, can I ask the same for you?”

The girl nods, “Yeah, I was being bullied.”

The small girl is scared, I can notice that much. Her frightened face reminds me of Ellie. She adjusts a bit of her hair and I finally can recognize her. She’s Grace.

“If you let others dictate their opinions on you then you need to re-evaluate your existence.” I feel the alcohol getting to me. I haven’t realized how faded I’ve been this entire time. I’m just fucking with Grace because it’s funny to me.

The girl slightly lowers her guard, but I know if I move an inch I’ll be cut. “What do you know?”

“A friend of mine killed herself because she let others' opinions control her,” I think I lie. I’m not sure. “It changed everything. I’m sure if you let it go that far, you’ll end up the same way…or worse.”

“Are you going to hurt me?”

I chuckle and shake my head. The small girl lowers her knife to my heart. “Are you going to strike my heart, make me bleed to death and leave me to die because you’re alone in the woods with no one else around?” I chuckle some more. “What’s your name?”

“Grace.”

“Last?”

“Ciotta,”

“Grace Ciotta, lovely name,” I smile. “You should get out of here, Gracie. It’s not safe out here at night. You should…”

“Hey! What are you kids doing over there!?” A dark male voice interrupts me. It doesn’t take a second for me to figure out that it’s one of the local cops looking for kids getting fucked up or selling drugs in the woods.

Without thinking I grab hold of Grace’s hand, allowing her other hand holding the knife to stagger and cut my chest a bit. But that doesn’t matter once we start running. She asks where we’re going but I don’t tell her anything. It would be impossible to get out of the woods without being caught by the cop. They’re the most persistent and agile pigs in the country. There only safe place would be the treehouse. So I take Grace there.

“Climb,” I order as I watch out for the cop.

The small house is much smaller than I remember. A once grape is now a raisin. Grace examines all the washed-up pictures on the walls while trying to find a way to comfortably stand, but is unable so she decides to sit down. I sit too and look around at the same pictures that have been up for years.

“You’re Cody?” Grace asks examining a picture of Emily and me back in sophomore year with her cellphone light.

“Yeah, I’m Cody. Nice to meet you again.”

“Yeah, you’re that kid that never shows up to our calculus class,” She answers back. Gracie notices my bloodied chest and gasp. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

I laugh, “It’s fine.”

“No it’s-“

“Shh,” I stop her, hearing the footsteps down on the ground. They get louder and louder and then a flash of lights hit the window of the house. Luckily we’re sitting adjacent to it. After a while, the cop leaves to search for us somewhere else and release all the tension in my lungs.

“It’s nice here,” Gracie mumbles.

“Ems-Emily and I used to come here every day since it was built when we were eight,” I sigh.

“What changed?”

I sigh again. Sometimes I wonder why we hold memories if it only brings pain. The pain is always stronger when those memories are recalled in times of frowns. “Junior year.”

“What about it?”

“I started to date this girl. She got pretty hurt about it. But ever since that, we stopped coming here,” I laugh. “No, she always came to her after that; I just never bother to check.”

“So why aren’t you friends with her now?”

Grace takes another look around the walls, examining every photo. Most are washed out from all the rain over the years, and a few are new, assumingly placed there by Emily not too long ago.

Emily always liked taking pictures. She often made me take photos of her junior year with her wearing her ever-increasing odd sense in fashion. In a way, Grace reminds me of a younger Emily. She’s a freshman and dresses the same way Emily did when we were in her year.

Elizabeth is the girl who fucking changed everything. And I caught myself getting feelings for her. The only one I truly love is Emily, but I don’t know what love is. I never experienced it, the loss of it I mean. Sure, the butterflies in the stomach, the heart jumping out and the senseless and random smiles I’ve all experienced. The anxiety of it all is what people said is love but I never really believed them. The closest I ever have gotten to know how love truly is is the cold and empty dark void of a black hole that just sucks the life out of me when Emily suffers. Her pain is my pain; therefore it is my duty to take care of her so I don’t suffer. It’s a selfish thing, really.

“Everyone says you know why Elizabeth killed herself. Can you tell me why?”

“I thought I already told you.”

“You held back on Emily.”

Grace is smart. She’s a bit drunk and so am I. The poor girl just wants answers. “Do you really want to know?” I ask and wait for a nod. It takes Grace longer than I expect her to do so. “I don’t know. The most I can tell you is that she was delirious when she did it. Elizabeth didn’t know was she was doing. She was too far gone that night.”

“Is that the truth?”

“The dead don’t speak.”

“They should,” I hear the anger in her voice.

“They’re too busy screaming.”

There’s silence for a while. Grace adjusts herself to get more comfortable. “You know when you approached me like that; that was a bit mean.”

“I know,” I laugh, “and funny.”

“It wasn’t funny.”

“It was a bit funny,” I continue laughing. It takes a second but Grace caves in and laughs with me. “Want to head back to the party? I’ll make sure the bullies leave you alone.”

Grace nods and follows me through the forest.