The mother then invites the hero in and—No, no. That would make him a private tutor, which is outside her budget. A cram school might be more doable. But then how will he and the mother meet? Oh! The daughter stays late one day, and he escorts her home! Maybe he should have a car for that. Does a teacher make enough to afford a car?

What thoughts are running through my head, you might be asking? Well, random reader I've never met, the answer is quite simple.

I'm writing an anime script.

There's this ad for a script-writing contest that pops up a lot in my emails, and normally I ignore it, but the other day, after hatching up my masterful anime concept, I had the idea to start typing up a script for the show.

In the game dev scene, there's what's known as the “idea guy,” and the thing about the “idea guy” is that it's a useless position. Nobody has a shred of respect for the “idea guy.” They contribute next to nothing and are nothing more than leeches that want to attach their name to a successful project. They have no talents, have no urge to develop any talents, and won't lift a finger to do a damn thing.

When I was contemplating how to pitch my anime concept to a studio, I had become an “idea guy.”

I was so disgusted with myself. I was considering boiling a pot of water and dumping it over my head to disinfect the grime of being an “idea guy,” but I settled for taking a hot shower.

Back to the point. Any idiot can scream a story idea, but people will only listen if you make something from that idea.

The plan is simple: I'll type up my script, then show it to a studio to adapt. It's so simple I feel like a doofus for having not come up with it sooner.

Writing it isn't so simple, however. It's simple outlining a scene as “the protagonist and mom meet for the first time,” but when I open up a document to type up that scene, I stare at the flashing cursor, thinking to myself, What the hell am I gonna put?

After a minute of holding this staring contest, I give up on getting this scene right and jot down the first words that come to mind. That should get the brain juices flowing.

P: Good evening. You must be Ms. Mom. I'm Mr. Protagonist. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. [bows]

M: It's so nice to meet you, too. Daughter's told me all about you.

P: She has? I can't imagine it's anything too good, me being her teacher and all.

M: Oh, no, not at all! She has a lot of respect for you! She says you're kind, patient, and diligent. You make sure your students have a complete understanding of the material.

D: Mom! You don't have to tell him all that! [blushes]

M: Why not? It's right to show people that you appreciate them. And who doesn't love a compliment?

Nope, nope, that's a snooze show and makes me gag like soggy macaroni. The audience will be asleep before the ED starts. Hell, I'm falling asleep writing it.

There's gotta be a way to liven this scene up and make it not-stinky doodoo...

I got it! What if he asks to use the bathroom, trips on the step, lands on her, and accidentally gropes her?!

I'm just kidding, of course. That gag's long since grown old and died. They will come to the point where he can grope her all he wants, but that'll be after the final episode. I'm writing a quality romance, not an ecchi.

So then how can I make this more exciting? Should I give them different personalities? What if the mother was a little more spunky? She opens the door and sees him, and she's like, “Oh, Daughter, I thought it'd be another two or three years before you brought a man home.” Not bad. And then the daughter's like, “He's my teacher, Mom!” and the mom's like, “Oh? I wish I had a handsome teacher like him when I was a student! Fufufu!”

No, that's coming on too strong. She's a divorced single mother. I doubt romance is at the forefront of her mind. So then it falls to the protagonist to initiate the romance.

But how the hell would he do that? Age-wise, he was born when she was graduating high school. Would a man in his twenties look at an older woman and be like, “There she is, there's my future wife”? He could if it's love at first sight. We've already covered how hot anime moms are. How could he not see her and wanna put a ring on it?

Let's go with that but tone it down. He sees her and is like, “Is this a museum I'm at? Because you're a fine work of art,” and then he asks to use their bathroom, doesn't trip on the step and accidentally grope her, and while inside, he notices a piece of decoration or something. A vase and they're both into pottery. That's it! And then they talk about it for a bit and—

How is talking about pottery exciting? It's a vase. It doesn't perform magic tricks. That'd be cool if it did, but this is a serious romantic drama grounded in reality. There ain't no place for the weird.

I oughta step back and address the elephant in the room.

“Ophelia, you're dangerously close to that edge again. What have I told you about living life on the edge?”

I'm not being lol random. I have an elephant statue on one of my shelves, which is tilted at a slight angle, so the vibrations of me walking through gradually shimmy Ophelia toward the edge. The floor's carpeted, so I doubt she'll shatter, but better safe than sorry. My mom paid good money for her, too, probably. Probably not. Knowing her, she picked her up from a yard sale for $3. There's nothing my mom loves more than a bargain.

All right, now to address the other elephant in the room, and that's that I'm a man with zero romantic experience attempting to write a romance.

The most common piece of writing advice is “show, don't tell,” and the second most common is “write what you know.” I don't know romance, so isn't it a horrendous idea to try writing it? What else am I gonna write, though? An anime about a guy playing video games all day? Like, a Let's Play but in anime format? Would that even work? There's shows like Gamers!!, but that's, of course, a romance, and the plot hinges more on the characters hanging out and getting horny for each other than it does the act of gaming. Hi-Score Girl prattled on about games more, but, again, romance.

Why is it all these gamer geeks have girls tripping over each other to get with him, but the same doesn't happen to me? There's even a scene in Hi-Score Girl where the protagonist and one of the heroines are sitting in a restaurant and the girl says almost flat-out, “Let's get a hotel room and have sex.”

That protagonist title is too powerful. As soon as a guy gets blessed with it, he gets all the vagina he could ever want. So then how could I go about receiving the title of protagonist? I could write a fiction with a self-insert protagonist, but that's fake me who's getting laid while real me is left high and dry.

They do say you're the protagonist of your own life, which means I'm in control of what happens to me. I'm the master of my own destiny. If I need to know what it's like being in a romance so that I can write a romance, I need to put myself out there and get romantic with a girl!

But first, YouTube. I need a break from this script. Relaxation is a great way to keep the mind fresh and productive, or so I read.

One of the suggested videos is a street prank. I love these. In short, some guys will go up to random people on the street and mess with them in some way, like striking up conversation in a foreign language, awkwardly holding doors open for people, or doing a trust fall. Hilarious stuff. Always thought it'd be neat to get in on that scene, but I don't have a camera or a cameraman, so.

The gimmick of this video has one guy going up to women, asking them for advice on getting a girl's number, and then that guy will tell a second guy what she shared, and he'll use her love advice on her. The usual result is the girl feeling like she's in the Twilight Zone, but she almost always gives up her number.

“......”

That's it! That's what I should do! Get dating advice from a girl, then use it on her! It's so perfect! Using this setup, I should have at least five phone numbers within an hour.

I don't have a pal I can ring up to tag-team with, but that's no problem whatsoever. I've got just the trick to make this work.