I repeatedly bowed deeply, lying on the pavement while facing this strange sodden man. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t want to pee all over you!”

“Just... wow... you’re the most disgusting yokai ever.” Rui said, eyeing me with a blush. She finally commented on it. It would have been less natural if she hadn’t.

“I never asked to be one!” I blushed and yelled, noh-glaring at Rui.

“D-don’t protrastrate yourself, Master!” The trine-stained man exclaimed as he knelt by my side. “You must not! You claimed me for yourself! You shame me if you act this way!”

W-what? Is he a cafe maid? Master?

I looked at him uncertainly. Rui exploded in a torrent of laughter. “Ahahahaha! My genius has defeated you, Akuchi! Susumu here is my henchman, which means I’m your mistress!”

“Ehhhhh?” I noh-blinked.

“You seem confused!” Akuchi ignored Rui’s megalomaniac announcement. “Perhaps it was just a mistake on my part! I’m sorry I insulted you earlier, Master! I was so upset! I’ve never had this sort of thing happen to me. My mother always said this, if someone has the nerve to pee on you, you’re destined to be theirs! And now, you’ve so boldly claimed me as yours!”

“What are you going on about, Akuchi?” Rui stood. “Stop ignoring my presence! I’m your real mistress! It was my plan to find you. I won’t marry you, though. I refuse. Rui-Rui’s only meant for the touch of cute girls!” She posed like an idol once again, throwing out her noh-breasts as she winked.

“I’m not interested.” Akuchi spread his lips in a huge grin. “I’ve never been so humiliated, but I’m somehow so happy! My partner! It’s meant to be!”

“N-NO!!!!” I yelled and leapt to my feet, darting away up the alleyway. As expected, he followed me like a lost puppy. My night would end with being chased by a strange man across Tokyo! My arms waved wildly while I ran in circles.

“You idiots!” Rui yelled loudly. “We don’t have time for a stupid tag game! Enough of this foolishness! SIT!” she barked.

I don’t know why, but I obeyed and fell on my butt, skidding along until my inertia cancelled. Maybe I was used to her imperious orders.

Akuchi skidded alongside me. We both turned to look behind us at an angry Oni who marched towards us, flourishing her umbrella like a sword again. “We have a noh-face to capture! Akuchi! I require you to transform into a motorcycle! We need to go to the station. We’re after a noh-face!”

“Ehhhhh?” I noh-blinked, confused.

“Do you wish to ride, me master?” Akuchi asked me with a pretty pleased expression.

“N-n... ahhhhhh!!!” I tried to reply, but Rui brought the umbrella down on my helmet. It rang so loudly in my ears.

“Say yes. We need a transport. Tell him you want to ride him-- ultra hard!”

Noooooooo! Noooooooo!

Akuchi flushed. I could barely tell he was, since his complexion was dark and the alleyway was wrapped in shadows.

“I’ll do it! I can’t wait!” Akuchi announced, surging up with the fervor of an otaku. His skirt flew up. He wore some kind of loincloth beneath. It looked a bit like a panty shot, but... OH NOOOOOOO! IIIIIICKKKKKK!!!

He had a super massive bulge. I looked away. He took a pose and his shape started changing in the corner of my noh-sight. It was as curious a sight as when Natalia-sama transformed into a fox. His face morphed, causing his eyes to enlarge and combine. I thought he was becoming a cyclops! That single eye started to glow brighter and brighter. He brought his arms together and they started to morph, curling. His body twisted and moved in ways human bodies weren't meant to! His legs moved in a similar way and he enlarged. On his back formed something like a saddle. When this transformation was completed, a motorcycle stood before us which was large enough to seat two. Words were engraved on the seat in gold lettering.

Akuchi the hot ride for his Master! Ride HARD!!!

NOOOOOO!!! YOU SICKO!!!

I flinched and stumbled backwards. Rui eyed me clinically. “Are you insecure about your masculinity? He’s a freaking motorcycle. You aren’t really lewding him! Just get on!” She leapt onboard. I hesitated. Her having jumped on first made it a little easier for me to climb on after her.

“You should drive me, Master!” Akuchi exclaimed. “This is weird! I never signed up for a threesome!”

He’s utterly sick in the brain...

“Uh... I can’t drive a motorcycle.. If Oni can, she should be the one to drive you.” I protested.

“Awwwwww! Disappointing! I’ll do the driving if I must! Where are we going, again?” Akuchi asked again.

“To the closest train station. Gooooo!” Rui flailed Akuchi’s backend with her umbrella as though he was a horse.

Akuchi neighed and charged ahead at a gallop, well... more like a hundred sixty kilometers per hour. I quickly grabbed Oni’s flat chest to keep from falling off. “Ehehehehe! Go go go go!!!” Rui laughed aloud. Akuchi charged out of the alleyway onto the boulevard and we started weaving through traffic incredibly rapidly. The motorcycle rushed past busses and cars.

“Ahhhhhhhhh!” I screamed as we nearly crashed over and over. Akuchi deftly skidded and slipped through the vehicles like he was walking through a crowd.

“Hurry, Akuchi! Your master will die if you don’t get us there faster!” Rui continued to flail at Akuchi. Foam flew from Akuchi’s front and the speed multiplied. We went so fast all the lights around flew past as though we were going at warp speed.

“N-nooo... I’m really dying now!!!” I yelled. This insane drive was killing me! As though these words had spurred him further the lights flew past even faster. The way Akuchi moved made me sick. We rocked and shook around. I felt like beans in a jar shaken hard enough to shatter said jar! Suddenly, we came to a stop and I went flying. I landed heavily on my back, taking damage. Sparks flew around me like in a classic sentai show as I came to a skidding stop.

Thinking we had crashed, I stared at Akuchi, and Rui was safely aboard him still, though she looked both excited and a little sick. My noh-eyes shifted to take in where we were, which was the entrance of the station.

“Master!!!” Akuchi hollered.

“Don’t just lie there, idiot!” Rui shouted as she climbed off Akuchi. “We need to get going! Now, Akuchi, hide our presences! Quickly! We’re going into the depths of the train tunnel!”

“I can do this... but first, you little monster, my master isn’t well!” Akuchi panted as he rush-transformed back to his human form to crouch over to me worriedly. “I’m so sorry! I’ve harmed you! Please tell me you’re alright!”

“S-she IS a monster..." I replied with a sickly tone. Feeling like I might fill my helmet with vomit, I thought about what the fallout would mean. I didn’t want to be covered with vomit. It would fill my helmet copiously to pour all over me. No one wants to read about this. Another thought occurred to me which made me both laugh and wince. My helmet would actually probably become something like a bottle rocket, but with puke. It might end up floating through space. Like an atomic blast, while exiting the gravity field of Earth, my vomit would rain down on Japan at least and curse it.

“Idiots! Let’s get going!” Rui barked. “We have less than thirty minutes left! We gained some time, but it’s very close! Use your spiritual powers, Akuchi, please!”

“Yes! A heart-filled ‘please’ speaks volumes! I’ll oblige you! Please remember, we must not crash into anyone! If you touch anyone, the spell will come undone!”

I came to my feet and saw Akuchi lift his hand. Three leaves blossomed from between his fingers. “I’ll place these on our foreheads. If they come off, the spell will end.” He darted to Rui and slapped his palm on her forehead. Rui poofed. She simply disappeared as he grinned at me. “And now for you, Master!” He charged at me and placed his hand on my forehead more gently. “Take care! I’ll be behind you!”

I saw a cloud of something explode around me and the world became semi-transparent.