I froze at that, swallowing hard. Why didn’t it kill me? I lifted my helmet and seized the dainty cute cup placed before me. It was white porcelain. There were cute cat paws all over it. Distractedly, I tried to sip the tea. Maybe I’d somehow be able to drink despite lacking a mouth. I’d been able to blow my nose, at least. My disappointment was keen when it simply poured like a rivulet down my chin to splash on Ume’s cushion right between my legs.

“Oh. my. I thought as much.” Ume shook her head regretfully. “My bad! I can understand why you’re thirsty in that condition. You really did bleed a great deal earlier today. A lesser mortal might have died from it.”

“That isn’t the important part,” Rui complained. “Who cares about what happened to him? The only thing that matters is what you know specifically about this Noh-face.”

Ume shook her head and her lips twisted slightly. “The Noh-face can be pretty savage. Its methods are typically sadistic and clever, but it’s been getting sloppy and sloppier. Now, it’s left someone alive to turn. I’m sorry you went through the experience.” Ume-chan focused on me and smiled, licking her lips. “It’s too bad you weren't hunted by a vampire, instead.”

“What do you mean?” I thought about vampire movies where the victims were bitten so hard blood would fountain around their mouths. “Crap... if it was, I’d surely be dead now.”

“Nope!” Ume giggled softly. “We’re gentler than you think. We get what we need, we don’t kill. You’d have slept wonderfully tonight, well... maybe all day and the next night.” Ume shook her head.

“Gentler than Noh-face?” I asked, incredulous. I still couldn’t believe her words. The movies about vampires I saw were among the bloodiest. Most of them were utterly corny or else they depicted gratuitous blood, death, murder, and/or extreme levels of horror.

“Yes,” Ume responded, softly. “We’re quite noble, and we’re far more capable of maintaining our capacity to reason than you would guess. We’ve successfully integrated into society, and we flourish. Things couldn’t be better for us. People seem to idolize us too! It’s so cute! Ume-chan is an idol! Ahem, well... I can’t say all that for many other supernatural beings. We consider ourselves yokai here. We’re an active part of the yokai community, too.”

“You’re meandering.” Rui laughed, petting Ume’s head fondly. “It’s a good idea to teach someone who’d otherwise be ignorant of these sorts of matters, but we’re here on business,” she gently reminded her friend.

Ume glowed, grinned and nodded. “Oh, yes. Noh-face... I’m afraid I can’t help you much today. Anyways, I gather this young man is your current client. I can’t remember the last time you took a male client.” She tilted her head, considering.

“That’s true.” Rui casually dismissed me in her next breath. “He’s a harmless noh-nuts. He’ll be a slave for me afterwards, so it’s a win-win scenario.”

“Really? It took two trophies?” Ume looked puzzled. “Does it look like his face does? I guess this makes him a little closer to your ideal,” Ume giggled. “Maybe that’s why he’s harmless?”

NoooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I clutched them, imagining what it would have been like if it had actually stolen my eggs like they seemed to enjoy cracking jokes about. Speaking of things cracking… I winced. That reminded me of what Rui did when we first met!

“If I lost my junk, it’d be HER FAULT!” I pointed directly at an overly innocent-looking loli-oni. “She hit me so hard she practically drove them up into my brain.” I moderated my tone and turned to Ume-chan, who seemed far kinder than Oni, despite her vampiric status, clasping my hands together to beg, “My name is Susumu; please don’t call me that insensitive nickname, Ume-chan!”