“You’re utterly pathetic,” the oni groused at me as she led me past the poorly constructed sign into her office, which had seemed as far and unreachable as the moon itself moments past.

I looked at the sign again. Pot calling the kettle black.

I stepped into the office, expecting more disarray. Instead, I discovered that she kept everything very tidy. Seeing it made me feel guilty. My apartment was a complete disaster zone. I’d not cleaned much for the last month, so seeing her office shamed me. There were potted plants here and there. The desk gleamed with its well-polished hardwood finish. It squatted in the middle of the room, making it the main focus in the room. A bookshelf stood proudly behind it, piled up with books and scrolls.

Oni looked at me expectantly. Oh... I didn’t respond to those insults! I saluted her crisply. “Pathetic-kun reporting, sir! Or, should I say turd-kun?”

She gaped at me and facepalmed. “I didn’t mean you should have absolutely no pride. How about Idiot-kun? You obviously are extremely thick.”

How was I supposed to know that was what she wanted to know about? Does she want pets for being neat and tidy?

“Ahaha... actually... my grades in high school were like around fifth in my class. I’m pretty average, actually... Certainly I’m not an outstanding person, but I’m not quite so bad as you might think.” Has this loli ogre even graduated high school yet? I doubted it. My detective had to be like fifteen tops, I guessed.

“Really? You’re... so mediocre.” She rolled her eyes. “What are you, a weak dropout on top of everything else?”

“W-What?” I gasped. “H-Hey now! I said I graduated! Do you even listen?”

She gave a classic shrug which mocked me with just the gesture. She didn’t limit it just to that, however. “Most people go to college, you know. What have you been doing with your life? A whole lot of nothing? Why are you fighting so hard? It’s obvious you aren’t worth much. I will admit your costume is pretty high quality. Did you get an authentic suit? It sure must have cost plenty,” she mused, looking at me as though I was a puzzle.

“I’m fighting for my mind! It’s all I have left! Who I am! My very identity!” I exclaimed.

“Well, at least it didn’t take your nuts. That’s a good thing, right?” she grinned.

You little! It was my joke! I stiffened. “I’m a noh-face! Not a noh-nuts!”

She snickered, “I like how the word rolls off the tongue. Nohhhhnuts,” she cackled.

I looked at the desk as she mocked me. Damn Loli-Oni! The way she speaks, it’s like she’s far older than she seems! I noticed a strange array etched into the top of her desk which had escaped my notice. It looked so eldritch and peculiar. There was a small mound of books, neatly stacked by the desk.

“Okay, I’m going to call you noh-nuts.” Oni grinned.

“I’m NOT a NOH-NUTS!” I raged, stomping again. I reached up to yank off my helmet to reveal my sweaty face. It glinted in the lighting in her office. She winced and stared, nodding.

“Whew... it really got you, Noh-nuts,” she snarked.

“Can we stop saying it over and over? You just won’t let it go!” I ground my noh-teeth, opening my mouth really wide. “Can you see my teeth grinding? Raaaaaaaaa!” I growled, my shoulders squaring.

“Nope,” she deadpanned. “As amusing as this exchange was, let’s talk about your problem.” While she was thinking, I looked around the office.