Chapter 2 I Sort of Save the World

I wake up sitting at a cafe table, a delicate flowered porcelain cup of hot chocolate in my hand. It even had mini marshmallows, bonus! Lord, hot chocolate would definitely make my top ten things to bring with me to a deserted island. Well, if the island was cold and not tropical. There was just something about a good cup of hot cocoa to calm people down and make them happy. I take a sip. Perfect temperature. Heaven, literally since I was dead.

"That's right. I've also noted that you've chosen hot cocoa as one of your reincarnation perks."

I hate to say it, but I spilled some of my cocoa on the nice white tablecloth when the woman spoke. She was standing behind me so you can't blame me for being startled.

"Whaa?" I splutter while trying to dab up liquid with the hem of my purple polo. God, I died in a purple polo! How embarrassing is that?

The woman was beautiful. Prettier than any celebrity. Her skin was a nice tanned gold that beach bunnies and middle-aged housewives would kill for. Her hair was straight, fell down to her waist, and so black it had purple and blue highlights. Her eyes were honey gold and sparkled with mischief. She wore a pink and blue pastel sari.

Her belly button peeked out and was pierced with a tiny little diamond. She was entirely barefoot with her nails painted transparent shade of light pink. She glided across the floor as she made her way to the other side of the table. It was a bit of a mystery how she managed not to sit on her hair.

"I would concur it is rather an ugly shirt, but the khaki shorts are just as bad you know. Also, I apologize for startling you. My name is Amoris, I am one of the twelve main deities of this world. It's a pleasure to meet you, Veritas, or should I call you Veri, Eri? I have records that you've gone by all three in your lifetime. Which do you prefer?" She leaned back in her chair and placed both her hands in her lap.

"Um, Eri is fine. Deity? What? I don't..."

"It's alright, I will explain," The goddess interrupted. "I am Amoris. Oh, but I already said that. I am one of twelve... Oh, I said that too."

Was this Goddess scatterbrained?

"That's not nice!" The goddess scowled, making a little V form between her brows. Could she read my mind? I hadn't said that out loud right? Wait, I hadn't said the part about hot cocoa or my shirt out loud either. Wait, I did die right?

"We've already established that. We are in Heaven, or one of them at least. You said so yourself. Well, you thought about it. We call this place Sumorland, it's only just a part of the Great Abyss. You are dead! Congratulations!" She smiled and her hands gave a little clap.

"Somehow, I don't think dying is something you should be congratulating someone on." I put my cocoa on the table my hands were shaking slightly.

"Well, not normally, no. Most people just die go to whichever afterlife they prefer, hang out a few decades then reincarnate back into their world if they wish. Eri, you are a special case. You have done a great deed for my Papa, the head god of my pantheon. He is very pleased with you at the moment and had me pluck your soul from the Abyss." She mimed plucking a piece of fruit off a tree and smiled.

"I haven't..." I began, but once again the goddess interrupted me.

"Oh, but you did! You interfered when the demon tried to kill Papa's baby!" She clapped her hands again and bounced up and down in her chair. She wasn't wearing a bra and it was very noticeable, but not distracting enough, unfortunately.

"Papa got the mortal woman pregnant. It happens sometimes. Children born of the gods usually grow up to become great leaders of men. This particular child will grow up to become one of the best physicists of his generation ushering in a new age of physics. These theories usher in a new era of technology,] will lead to better exploration of your solar system, and eventually giant habitable space stations will be built to encompass all of Earth's overpopulation. By stopping the demon-possessed human from damaging the woman's womb you have saved your world. Good Job!" She actually gave me two thumbs up.

"I saved the world...with a walkie-talkie..." Can you blame me for having a hard time believing that?

"Yes, would you like some pie?" Amoris waved her hand and a trolley tray laden with pie wheeled itself up beside my chair.

Why the hell not, I mean the situation was already absurd enough. Why not add eating pumpkin pie with a goddess to the list. I selected a fork but waited for a second for Amoris to pick a slice of strawberry pie before I took a bite. Manners were probably something to observe when eating with a goddess.

"Ummm, I love strawberries. They have some of the best strawberries on Elrich. If you choose to reincarnate I highly suggest trying the strawberries at my temple." She tackled her pie with gusto. She was already reaching for a second piece before the next question came to me.

"Reincarnate, don't I have to wait for that. Isn't that what you said? Oh, and you've got a bit of whipped cream just there." I reached over and wiped the dab of cream from the corner of her mouth. Then I froze. The tip of my finger hovering over the table with cream on it. Was I even allowed to touch a goddess? Was she going to zap me back to oblivion for touching her?

She materialized two napkins and blotted her face with one while handing me the other.

"I'm not going to zap you. I just told you, didn't I? Papa wants to give you a reward!"

She didn't say that, but I wasn't going to quibble. I wasn't going to be zapped, I had pie, and cooling cocoa. The day was looking up.

"Papa wants me to give you a choice. I can toss you back into the Abyss," she mimed tossing away a piece of trash, "where your soul will eventually find its way to your specific heaven or you can be reincarnated now to the world where our pantheon are the main deities. That would be Elrich by the way. I mentioned they have amazing strawberries, didn't I? Right now we are having a bit of a population problem. You see, a soul has to choose to reincarnate and most of the people of Elrich choose not to."

"Why not?"

"Elrich isn't like Earth it's more like... well...to put it bluntly, it's not easy to live there. There are monsters, magic, and demons a real fantasyland. For a normal person, just living takes a lot of work. Most technology relies on magic, so for people without magic it can be difficult to survive. On top of that, you have demons trying to destroy your village, and monsters eating your livestock." She puts down her fork and gives me a very serious look. "However, if you choose to reincarnate into this world I can guarantee that you will be able to use magic. I have been authorized to let you pick one magic power of your choosing that you will be reincarnated already knowing. I have a list with the magic descriptions you can pick from." A book, the thickness of three phone books, materialized on the table. "In most cases, mages must work years to acquire magic powers. You will be able to pick one power from this list without all the work."

"You won't have to worry about being able to read or speak the language. You will be able to understand the common language. Any other languages you'll have to learn on your own. If we send you down with too much information at once, there is a possibility your brain will dissolve into mush." She smashed a strawberry with her fork.

"You will also receive an Inventory Bracelet as a personal gift from Papa. These are rather rare and will be very useful to you. It lets you store items into it using space dimensional magic because it uses space dimensional magic items won't age. So hot items will remain hot, cold items will remain cold, and food will never rot." She pulled a silver engraved cuff from her wrist. I was pretty certain it hadn't been there before. "The only person who can take it off is you. So it's not going to fall off by accident. It also can't be stolen. The only way for you to lose it is if someone plucks it from your dead body. In the case where you take it off to bathe and someone steals it, then the cuff will magically reappear on your wrist when you go to sleep. That person will be unable to access any items you have stored in the cuff. Pretty handy item." She placed the cuff on top of the triple sized phone book.

"Um, I don't know," This was happening at a rapid pace. Magic, demons, I would be sent to a world that mimicked our best tabletop games. Amoris must have thought I was going to decline reincarnation because she suddenly became animated and leaned forward out of her chair.

"I will also give you a Blessing! A personal Blessing from me! Do you want women, men? I can make you irresistible. Wealth, it's not really my area, but I can see that you are wealthy. What do you want?"

"No, I really don't," I held up my hands in protest.

"Two Blessings!" She shouted over me. "Plus, I'll let you choose which race you would like to reincarnate as. You don't have to be human! Ever wonder what it would like to be an elf? Here's your chance to find out." She sounded like a car salesman. Ever wonder what it would be like to drive a brand new BMW, act now, limited time offer, free financing. She was practically laying on the table putting her face closer to mine in order to convince me.

"I don't want to be an elf," I told her firmly. I meant it. I didn't want to be an elf. They always seemed sort of alien to me in games and movies, even if they were beautiful.

The Goddess sighed deeply and held up three fingers as her head hit the table.

"I will give you three Blessings. You can choose to reincarnate as a human or another race, but since I'm giving you three Blessings instead of two I get to pick which race you reincarnate as. If you were to pick a complicated race like a dragon on top of three Blessings I don't think my power will allow for a complete reincarnation and you might end up some grotesque amalgamation of human and dragon. This is all I can offer. Please accept."

"Why do you want me to reincarnate so badly. I understand the population issue, but you seem desperate."

"Papa really wants you," she said talking to the table. "We have to give you a choice, it's the rules. Papa sent me to persuade you. I am Amoris Goddess of love, romance, consensual sex, sexual fertility, strawberries, among a few other more minor things like happy marriage, pregnancy, and virgins that I share with other goddesses. I also have a reputation of being very persuasive. If you say no, then Papa will be upset with me. Do you know how long a God can hold a grudge? So, please say yes." She practically begged tears welling up in her honey eyes.

"I've got questions. I don't really know where to start with all the questions I've got. What exactly is a Blessing should be first, I think. Will I be reincarnated the age I am now or born as a baby? Can you reduce this book down to the size of a pamphlet only putting really useful magic in it and leaving out all the mundane stuff like being able to direct a mop to clean? On top of that, demons? That seems like a huge negative."

"Not all demons are bad. Some even choose to live and have children with the humanoid races. I'm sure you'll be fine. I mean they mostly just keep to themselves and do their nasty demony things in their own territory. There hasn't been a demon war in centuries, ever since Apep got his ass handed to him and fell asleep." She waved her hand like it was all really silly and unconcerning.

"Who is Apep? Why is him being asleep preventing the demon war?" I mean we were talking about demons here. This was not really something to be waved away like a pesky bug.

"Apep, he's the Demon God of Chaos. Papa doesn't like him much and we are very happy he's taking a nap. Whenever he wakes up he gets jealous of Papa and his children and starts a war. He's sleeping now, so no worries for you." She tapped the side of her head and smiled.

"OK, so the demons won't be a big issue. What about the magic and the Blessings? How old will I be?"

"Really useful magic? What I consider to be useful and what you consider to be useful might differ a bit. Is that OK? Also, there are magics that can't be used by humans but can be used by other races. There is a sub-index for that."

"I can't really sit here and read through this entire book plus the sub-indexes now can I?"

"Well, technically you can. You won't age here, but I see your point about it being rather large. How about this. I'll narrow it down to a few categories. Really rare magic, powerful magic, the magic of either category that can only be used by a race other than human. Would that work?"

"It's a place to start." I nodded.

She moved the cuff off the top of the book and placed her hand on the center. Soon she held a thin white book in her hand. While not quite a pamphlet it seemed more manageable than before.

"Thank you," I said reaching for the book. "About my other questions?"

"Yes, well, you will reincarnate into Elrich at the age of majority for whichever race you choose. For humans and most other humanoid species that would be eighteen. There are exceptions as dwarves mature around age thirty, elves around one hundred and twenty, and dragons two hundred and fifty. The reason for this is because at the age of majority is when most young people set out to make something of themselves. A random older stranger showing up in a town with no credentials or occupation will cause hostility and even persecution in some cities. Like I mentioned before, Elrich is a hard world. So passing yourself off as a fresh-faced newly minted adult will allow the locals to view you as less of a threat."

"I guess that makes sense, but I'm not looking forward to going through puberty again."

"I'll keep that in mind." She laughed a bit. "Now Blessings are a bit more difficult to explain. In Elrich the people can become priests and receive a Blessing from a god after many years of devotion. However, normal people can get a Blessing from a god in a much quicker way. You could save a nunnery from being sacked by bandits. Or even save a god's favorite goat from being sent to slaughter."

"It seems really random," I commented.

"To mortals, I suppose it would seem that way since you can't know beforehand what sort of action would move a god to perform a Blessing. I once gave a Blessing to a child for protecting a strawberry bush from being eaten by cows." She smiled beautifully. It really was completely random.

"Now to what a Blessing actually is. It's entirely up to the god what Blessings they chose. The little girl I mentioned before was Blessed with the ability to grow the best strawberries. Certain gods can only grant Blessings within their power base. Since I am one of the major twelve deities I can grant Blessings outside my normal power-base."

"So my three Blessings will be completely random and up to you?" Somehow that seemed a bit unfair. Would it be worth it to trust this unknown goddess?

"No, No, No," she hurried to reassure me waving her hands around. I wondered if she had been reading my thoughts again. "I would be more than willing to be open to suggestions. Keep in mind, that if you do choose to be reincarnated as another race and you use your three Blessings for gifts outside of my power structure I will be left with less power to work your race transformation. So I will have to transform you into one of the races completely devoted to my worship rather than a dragon or elf. Though a dragon is off the table anyway since I can't transform that on top of three Blessings. "

"So if I use all three of my Blessing for combat-related gifts, you will be forced to transform me into a being who worships you. However, if at least one or all my Blessings are related to love or sex you will be able to change me into nearly any race."

"Yes, I can take into consideration races or species you don't wish to be, but if I am to give you three Blessings and a transformation I'm afraid I will have very little control as to what you will be changed into. When your spirit self is placed into the Abyss I can direct your transformation up to the point of deterring transformations you don't want. It's a matter of power. If you want to forgo one of your Blessings I can guarantee a 100% successful transformation into whichever race you choose."

Hey, wait a minute so that part about three Blessings and a transformation of her choosing wasn't really true. Her choosing my foot! She was just planning to throw me into the abyss and hope for the best! What kind of lackadaisical planning was that? What if I had been turned into something horrible like an Orc!

"It wasn't as bad as that!" she protested.

"Have some pie. I need to read this and think." I handed her another piece of strawberry pie.

"Are you going to reincarnate?" She asked in between bites.

"I'm thinking about it. After all, if I go back to my original reincarnation cycle I might be able to enjoy those nice planet orbiting space stations you were telling me about." I thought I'd tease her a bit as a slight punishment for nearly turning me into an Orc.

"It really wasn't like that! I wouldn't have let you be an Orc! Besides, there is still a chance you could get reincarnated as a human. Humans are one of the races that worship me and they are the most abundant race in Elrich. It would be the easiest path magically to let you remain human. So if I am running out of power at the end, being human is still on the table." She pouted a bit around another bite of strawberry. Then she smiled.

We both knew I had already decided to reincarnate, all that was left was to read my Reader's Digest Magic Guide and negotiate my Blessings.