“You need to fix this faster, Lani!”

My fingers hold back my brimming eyes. My frustration was changing into anger rapidly. I was in my tent and Toah had followed me inside. He was criticizing me and following me around. He was teaching me what I needed to know, but not in a good way. The advice he gave was always meant to keep me down, or uplift him in his own view and position in the camp. It was already dark outside. Maur was flying around. He was taking one of his ponder flights. Toah was with me creating havoc.

“You need to fix it faster, Lani,” sighs Toah.

Toah was instructing me on how to fix jet-packs again. I already knew how to fix them, but it was never enough to feed his desire to feel dominant over me. I stare up at Toah and he acts like I'm stressing him out. My candle light flickers on my desk. Toah takes a seat next to me on my bed. My repair kit and tools are dropped in front of me. A practice jet-pack lands next to it. Toah becomes calm and shakes his head. He exhales and rests his hands on his knees.

“This just isn't working....”

Toah points to my repair kid and shakes his head again. He sighs and gets up. I look at my tool kit and narrow my eyes. It becomes blurry in my sight. I ignore Toah angrily as he tries to explain what is wrong. When he's done speaking, we both stare viciously at each other. Toah slaps his leg trying to make a point of nothing. He just wanted my response.

“I will tell Maur about this. It's not that hard, Lani. If you can't handle this, I need to know.”

“It's fixed! I'm faster repairing than most of us here!,” I shout in defiance.

Toah leaves my tent with his cronies. They were headed to get drunk with him. Loyalty was something that shifted across the camp. Not everyone who served Maur wanted him to be king. They made a living under his banner and he often exchanged flying killers with his rivals, due to loyalty. It was an unsafe practice and gave room for spies to move freely. Toah had his own group of loyal cronies. They followed him around at the camp and made him feel important. When he didn't, he would take it out on me. Toah's minions kept me from attacking him when he wasn't looking. I still had a knife. I don't think he underestimated my desire to use it.

“No more Toah. Blood on him!”

I wipe my eyes again and pick up my diary. I wanted to write away the pain. I shove my diary back to where it was. Resting my head felt heavy in my hands and made my back feel out of place. The flight over the ocean was tiring and most of the camp was still recovering from the extended journey Maur had us take. I was happy to be near the Ryoken tribes again. Even though I didn't travel freely among the tribes, it had the smells I recognized. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Other days, I felt like a traitor. I wanted to see Lam Lathi as the younger messenger I was in Lapona.

When Maur first kidnapped me, I tried to escape. Each time, he would find me and bring me back. I was never punished. Many of his men were killed by my tempests and it gave me a stigma I didn't want. Eventually, Lam Lathi stopped looking for me. The empire was stretched thin with their attempt to steal The Far Away Dream. Maur's swarm had weakened Lam Lathi at home. The sadness and conflict was all around me.

“I have to stay strong.”

I pick up my jet-pack and tuck it under my bed. I lie down and drink some water. Toah had to fill it up for me when Maur was gone. He would check in every so often. I enjoyed making him fill it to the brim. I had to go to the bathroom a lot to pee. It wasn't always safe for me there.

My bed shakes and I sigh. I lie on my back exhausted from another day of training. That's all the Caparans did. In Maur's camp, they trained, drank, and gambled. They also had sex with their female slaves before shipping them back to Capara. I tried to step in for my people, but things were different. The Ryoken tribes didn't see me the same way. I was taken from my home again. This time, it was my fault.

I look at my repair kit. We had breaks, but they passed too quickly.

Toah had made me the laughing stock among Maur's trainees. Although the Caparans took themselves seriously in training, they still found time to make jabs and verbal passes against me. They trained hard at both. The most current thing Toah did was laugh at the silky bands across my brown eyes. They were lighter, like the tan of tiger's eye. He said they moved like urine across a sea of brown waste. It frustrated me.

No one had control over their physical body. It was torture for me to be objectified for my eyes. Every stereotype of the Ryoken lands came out. I felt alone. I wanted to escape again, but Maur would find me and carry me back. I helped him translate and understand my language. He had learned enough to converse with me. Maur enjoyed my company and it made Toah jealous. He would often ponder out loud in my tent, while I wrote in my diary.

My eyes dart to my tent entrance as it sways again. Toah peeks his head in, but leaves quickly. I hear the sound of Maur's voice as he enters.

“Hello, Lani. I have come to ponder my life away,” states Maur.

He glares at me and helps me to my feet.

“Not writing in your diary tonight? Tell me, what is wrong?”

Maur pulls out my chair for me and waits. I sit down and he pushes me close to my desk and starts pacing. He walks to and fro and in circles, suddenly realizing he is in the room with me again. I stay quiet. I didn't know if Toah was outside the tent eavesdropping.

“Mmm...I'll be fine. Everything is fine.”

I tap my arm and try to write. I pull my diary closer and Maur slides my ink over gently.

“You know, Lani. As blind as I am during the day, I can still see some things clearly.”

Maur begins to pace again and rubs his unshaven face. He had forgotten to shave for a while. He would catch up with himself, though. Whenever Maur shaved I knew he found something new to explore together. He had a plan for everything. Maur looks at me and continues speaking to himself. Suddenly, he stops near me and dashes onto my desk. I pull my diary in closer to me.

“My idea has arrived! What should I do, Lani?” Maur says excitedly. He looks down at me.

“I'm not in your head, Maur.....”

Maur becomes serious again. He hops down from my desk and tries to wipe the mud off my desk from his boots. I watch him blindly grab his cleaning rag and shirt beneath his armor. He misses completely. I cup my hands around my candle, but he gives up. Maur's seriousness resumes as he speaks to me.

“Sorry, Lani. I had a moment of joy.”

“What made you happy?” I ask. I continue writing about my day.

Maur unleashes his plan.

“I will challenge Toah to a fight. He will leave you alone, if I win. It will be a gamble. Now, what to offer Toah. How to make him keep his word?”

I listen to Maur pace around my tent some more. This time he opens the tent entrance to look outside. No one was listening and Maur returns to me relieved.

“A duel?”

“Yes, dear Lani. A duel.”

Maur smiles at me, but his smile quickly turns to sadness. Something deeper was bothering him. It froze him and made him quiet. It was something he never shared with anyone.

“I thought you hated duels and gambling,” I manage to say. Maur takes out a small vial and spins it in his fingers. He feels around for my ink bowl and pours it in. Once he empties the vial, he tosses the it on the ground and kicks it away. He starts to pace again.

“I do hate them, but life is filled with both. Life is a gamble and death has the wildcard.”

Maur sits on my desk again and looks at me. I stare into his receding black of his eyes and see the yellow circle around his pupil. Maur turns toward my candle, contemplating. He wanted to turn it off to see clearly.

“You see, dear Lani. I once gambled away the love of my life.”

Maur's black gloves extend off his face, as if he was releasing his inner thoughts. He becomes stern again and speaks.

“There was a woman I couldn't see. I was blind to her in the day. She never went out at night. I knew I loved her from the moment I heard her speak. They said she looked ugly, but I knew she was kind and gentle. I could see it all through the blurs.”

I listen intently and scribble.

“One day, Luer took her from me. She was Classidine's slave and I bought her from him. That night, I celebrated and drank too much. I was younger and arrogant. I challenged Luer to a duel and he beat me. Luer had gambled his claim to the crown and I bet her.”

My eyes dart to Maur and back to my diary.

“What happened to her?,” I ask curiously.

Maur stops. He gives a hoarse and mocking whisper.

“Never challenge the preacher. You will learn too much, Lani.”

Maur gets off my desk to engage himself privately. He ignores me briefly, not sure of whether he wanted to tell me. We look at each other. His face droops slightly, until he adds more.

“I don't know, but they found her dead in Luer's mesa. I try not to assume the worst. It pains me. Our rivalries run deep in Capara.”

“I understand.” I motion with my hands.

Maur leans closer to try to understand me. He only saw the moving blurs of light against my skin and fingers. He blinks a few times, looking through my hand as if it wasn't there. Finally, he gives up and heads to the entrance of my tent.

”Goodnight. My thoughts thank you.”

Maur bows mockingly and heads off to his tent. I drop the quill Maur found for me. He said he found it while flying with the birds. I rest my head in my hands and then let it fall to my desk. I could sleep sitting. Tomorrow was another training day and I was too tired for it already.