《Noob Superhero》Lesson Twenty–Four: The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress

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“We are able to adapt to any situation, no matter how dangerous or unexpected. We will endure.”

–Super Corps Propaganda.

“We technicians are the real heroes, not that anyone cares.”

–Talented Brat’s personal and highly illegal blog.

The saucers are coming from the moon.

The rumor started in the gun labs but spread quickly, like wildfire, fueled by a growing sense of desperation across the ship. It has been ten days and twenty saucer attacks since The General died, and we’re exhausted. We don’t know where our families are, and we have no time to help them. The Earth is dying, and now someone says that the saucers are coming from the moon.

We want to know if it’s true – we need to know if it’s true – so support staff and superheroes pour into the ready room, packed tightly together to hear if it’s true, and what it means if it is. The room is filled with an anxious hubbub of chatter.

“The saucers are coming from the moon. We found out a day ago,” Dark Fire says without preamble.

The room roars into life as people shout out questions. People are on their feet, yelling at Dark Fire and each other, and everyone wants to know what this means for us. Dark Fire says nothing more, but simply waits for us to fall silent.

“Everyone who isn’t an operator, get the hell out and start preparing for a mission. Everyone who is an operator, sit the hell down and shut up.”

We do as we are told.

“The saucers are coming from the moon… and now that we know this we have a chance to stop them for good. I’m choosing a team to take there with me. Brat, get out here and explain how we are getting there.”

Talented Brat stands behind the podium.

“We have spent the last eighteen hours reconfiguring the cannons to send people to the moon. We can send a small team–”

“How many of us?” someone calls out.

“We can only send a team of six,” Brat says.

This causes an enormous uproar of discontent – six against the saucers’ home base is not nearly enough. Brat shakes his head in disgust at our rebellion.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to even send one superhero up there? No, of course not, the maths is well beyond your feeble minds. We are working damn miracles in the bowels of this ship, and all you idiots care–”

“–enough!” roars Dark Fire, “tell them the rest.”

“The acceleration has a high chance of killing whoever goes, and only people with perfect cardiovascular health have a chance of survival,” Talent Brat says flatly.

We might not be as smart as he is, but that worries us all. A lot. At least I know there is nothing wrong with my heart.

“And getting home?” someone asks.

Brat shrugs as if that doesn’t really matter, and maybe he’s right.

“I’m still working on that… the plan is to have a set of escape pods ready for you when you are done. So far we have two ready to go.”

“Only two?” someone demands.

“That might be two more than we will need,” I say softly, and I know other people are thinking the same thing.

This is not the kind of mission that ends well for us, even if we succeed. Whoever goes to the moon is probably never coming home.

We all keep talking about it even after the meeting ends, falling into pairs and smaller groups to discuss what it means. Little Voices and I find our way down to the gym and spar as we talk, glad of the distraction.

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“It’s a kamikaze attack,” he tells me as he knocks aside my clumsy strikes.

“It’s our best chance… our only chance. Dark Fire probably won’t choose us to go, but I told Bad Memories and Second Best to start working on my suit so that it’s ready to go,” I say.

This freezes Little Voices in place. He shakes his head.

“Don’t do it, dude. If we go, we might never come back.”

“If we don’t go, there won’t be anything for us to come back to, Tenchi. You know that.”

“I know… but I was hoping that one of us would get through this, even if it wasn’t me.”

He lets that sink in.

“You are going to the moon?” I ask.

“I expect to… but I don’t think you should.”

A steward interrupts us and politely informs us that Dark Fire wants us in his office. I shrug at Little Voices and we follow the steward. All our discussion up to now has been speculation because we will do whatever Dark Fire asks us to. We walk into his office overlooking the giant cannons. Dark Fire is waiting for us, already in his armor and holding a mug of cold coffee in his hand. He is alone.

“I’m putting a team together for the Lunar assault,” he tells us.

We know that; everyone on the ship knows that.

“I want both of you there. Each of you is good, but together you are a killer team. What do you say?”

What can we say?

“What about our families?” Little Voices asks.

“I’ve got people looking for them, but we have larger concerns right now.”

“Larger concerns than our families? I don’t think so,” Tenchi says firmly.

“If you want to help your parents, help me,” snaps Dark Fire, and he smashes his coffee mug on his desk.

Little Voices holds his hands up in surrender.

“Okay, boss, okay. I just wanted to say goodbye to them before I go. I’m in.”

“Me, too,” I say.

“Good. Good. Now I just need to choose three more to join us.”

He clicks an intercom on his table.

“Send everyone in,” he says.

The everyone he is referring to is all his senior officers, as I would have expected, but also Silver Shadows and Blizzard Master. They are both incredibly powerful allies, but I don’t know how I feel about them. Silver Shadows was working with The General until just weeks ago, and now he is here.

“A team of six, and one of them is me. I’m also taking Little Voices, unless anyone objects.”

No–one does. Little Voices is a natural superhero, and he heals so fast that he is the healthiest person on the whole ship.

“And Danger Magnet, too,” Dark Fire adds.

This causes a little more of a stir, but not as much as I expected. My team has seen what I can do with my new powers, although Blizzard Master hasn’t.

“This one?” she asks doubtfully. “I thought he was just a trainee with good shields but not much else going for him. Are you sure?”

“I am. He has Simon Smith’s powers.”

I guess I do, at that. No wonder my head hurts so much.

“The rest of the choices seem obvious, then,” Never Lies says, staring at Blizzard Master with barely concealed annoyance.

“I should be on the team. No–one has more experience than I do,” Past Prime says, but Dark Fire shakes his head sadly.

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“No. I’m sorry, sensei, but Got Greedy says your heart cannot survive the force needed to send us up there.”

“You are saying I am too old? How dare you!” Past Prime looks like he is going to hit Dark Fire, but our short leader stands firm.

“My word is final on this. Never Lies, you are also going to have to stay here.”

“What? No, I’m ready!” she argues.

“No,” says Dark Fire firmly. “Too many broken ribs, too much internal bleeding. You will never make it.”

“I’m fine! I can do this!” she says.

But it’s obvious she can’t, not injured the way she is. The decision is made. Joining Dark Fire will be an elite team of Small Talk, Silver Shadows, Little Voices, Blizzard Master, and me. The six of us against the saucers; six against the cruel universe. I had dreamed that one day I would save the world, but even I think this is far too risky to work.

The launch is two hours later, in the middle of the night as the moon is climbing over the horizon. We watch it from the deck, wondering what we will find there. Chef hands us each a plate containing a piece of lasagna, and we eat like we are partaking in some sacred ritual. Part of me wonders if this is the last meal I’ll ever eat, and part of me thinks that it would be worth dying just for the lasagna.

“It’s time,” Dark Fire says, and we walk down to the armory.

We take our time getting ready, checking and re–checking every last detail. Everyone is there to see us off – everyone but Never Lies who seems to be too angry at being left behind to want to say goodbye. I nod to the heroes I may never see again, too anxious and filled with adrenaline. Dark Fire stands on a box to address the gathered crowd.

“Okay, people, you know what’s going on here. If we fail, the saucers will keep coming. It will be up to you to stop them. Even if we succeed, the war for Earth is not over yet, and you will all have a part to play. I want you all to get to work as soon as we leave.”

The speech is all business; classic Dark Fire. He is about to dismiss everyone when he hesitates and starts again.

“Before I go, I want to tell you all something. They weren’t going to let me be a superhero because I’m so short, so I built a suit of my own to show them what I could do, and then I refused to ever give it back. I’ve been court–martialed six times, and promoted and demoted more times than I care to remember. They let me continue because they knew they needed me, gave me the team of misfits and criminals because I am a misfit and a criminal, but together we are something so much more than the sum of our imperfections. We are the Cerberus Brawlers, and we never falter or fade! Now go out there and keep saving the world!”

That gets a round of applause and a few cheers, but then Dark Fire orders everyone back to work. He gathers the final six to him.

“This is our moment, our reason for being. This is what we were born for,” he tells us quietly.

“Set?”

“Set!”

We find our pods. Got Greedy checks our hearts and gives us all a thumbs up and a shot of something that makes me feel sleepy. Bad Memories straps me in himself and checks my harness just like he did on my very first mission.

“The first kick is going to be terrible,” he says, “and then after about three hours a second pod will dock with you. It contains an engine to take you to the moon. According to Got Greedy and the medical team you shouldn’t wake up until you are about an hour away from landing.”

“Okay,” I say.

“Your suit and pod have enough oxygen for three days. You also have food, if you have time to eat it.”

“Okay.”

He is so nervous that he checks my straps again, his hands shaking.

“Relax,” I say. “We’ll be back before you know it. Really.”

“Really?” he asks, desperate for reassurance.

“Absolutely. I would never lie to you,” I lie.

The Cerberus can only fire the pods every ten minutes, so I have a long wait before my pod snaps shut and I’m loaded into the cannon. The pod rattles and hums, and then falls silent. I’m just about to ask whether something’s gone wrong when a giant steps on my chest and the world goes dark.

When I wake up the moon hangs above me like the eye of a god. It grows larger and larger until I can’t see much else. The pod shudders around me as it carefully guides me to my as–yet–unseen destination.

“This isn’t so bad,” I tell myself.

The pod spits me out without warning, sending me tumbling downwards. It’s hard to stabilize without the help of my parachutes, but I’m falling far more slowly than back on Earth. I control my spin and set myself feet down, too busy with the details of flight to really think about where I am or what I’m doing. I’m light on the moon, so light that it takes me a few attempts to land beside the rest of my team. There are four of them already there.

“Last pod should be coming in now,” Dark Fire says, looking at his watch.

I look upwards but see nothing but stars.

“I never thought I’d ever get to see the moon,” Little Voices says cheerfully.

He’s using his giant sword to cut his name into a Lunar rock. The moon has no weather, so our footsteps and his carving will probably last forever.

“Are you… doing graffiti on the moon? We can’t take you anywhere,” Silver Shadows complains.

“I am indeed. Would you like me to add your name?”

“I would,” I say.

The last pod is well behind schedule. Little Voices adds all our names to the rock and sketches a picture of Cerberus barking at a saucer overhead.

“We should move,” says Small Talk.

But he’s wrong – I just don’t know why. I shrug.

“I think we should wait seven more minutes,” I say.

Dark Fire gives me a look that is half–skeptical, half–hopeful, the type people normally reserve for faith healers.

“Do you think that, or is it the… you know, the…”

“The half–dead alien brain I carry around with me?” I say.

“Yes, that.”

I don’t actually know if it’s just a hunch or something more, so I say nothing. Little Voices is still working on his carving, and the others are keeping watch over us.

“Seven more minutes,” I say.

So we wait. Six minutes and fifty–seven seconds later the last pod arrives without warning, flying in at a low angle and crashing instead of opening above the ground. It rips a long line through the silver moondust and finally stops right beside me. The pod pops open. We are expecting Blizzard Master, but instead it’s Never Lies who steps out.

“What? Did you really think I would miss this?” she says.

Little Voices steps away from his carving – I see that the six names under his carving of the Cerberus include Never Lies instead of Blizzard Master. How could he have known that?

“I told you not to come!” says Dark Fire.

“And I told you that you needed me. You can’t send me back, so shall we get on with it?”

Dark Fire is furious, but I’m glad Never Lies is with us. Whatever is controlling the saucers might find us soon, so we need to start moving. We fly low and slow, trying to stay out of trouble. We avoid wings of scout–balls and radar dishes mounted to thin, spider–like bodies. Perhaps it’s just luck, but they don’t notice us.

After a day of this, we reach our target: a huge metal arch has been built into one of the moon’s larger craters. As we watch the arch fills with light and the tip of a saucer pushes through, gaining size and solidity until it leaves the arch and flies upwards and on to Earth. I’m not sure if we are seeing a saucer being somehow teleported from elsewhere to the moon, or possibly even being built very quickly, but in either case we now know where they come from.

“If we destroy the arch, we end this war,” Dark Fire says eagerly.

The arch is well defended with turrets and monstrous beasts, but at least we can see our target. We are all carrying bombs, and I shift mine eagerly on my back. It’s time for action!

“Wait, can you see that blue sphere on the edge of the arch? It’s a shield of some sort,” Never Lies says, pointing it out to us.

“So?” says Silver Shadows impatiently.

“It’s protecting the arch. We need to bring that shield down,” Never Lies says.

“There is no time! We have to focus on the mission!” Dark Fire shouts.

“We need to break that shield,” Never Lies repeats.

She looks at Little Voices and me – we were part of her team, the Island Seven, so know what that look means. I respect Dark Fire, but I obey Never Lies. She is one of the reasons I’m not dead yet, although I’ve come close.

“We need to break that shield,” I say to Little Voices.

“No! We need to take on the arch! We are so close now!” says Dark Fire, and takes off towards the arch.

Small Talk follows after him, leaving the four remaining members of the team to plan our attack on the shield.

“Voices and Shadows, you lead and we will follow. Voices, we will be using your bomb. Set?”

“Set,” we repeat.

“Then here we go!”

Dark Fire will know that we are about to make a move on the shield, and he’ll want to plan his assault to start with our own. He may not agree with our target, but he knows how to work in a team. He and Small Talk will be waiting for our sign.

Never Lies fires a rocket far across the base and has it explode in a piercing blue light, and we are off.

A pair of enormous cube–tanks is protecting the building’s entrance, but they aren’t more than a distraction for us. We push past them and into a huge, empty hall with a glowing rock monolith at its center. Dozens of tunnels lead into the room, but so far nothing is coming up them. Little Voices places his bomb and we pull out of the building.

The bomb explodes; the building shakes but does not fall. In the distance I see Dark Fire place his bomb on the arch and set it off almost immediately. It explodes without so much as scratching the metal, and the whole arch lights up in a blue energy shield that is connected by long white lines to the building we are standing above.

I guess Dark Fire was wrong.

“Damn, I needed him to wait!” Never Lies says bitterly.

“Let’s try that again. I’ve got the bomb,” says Silver Shadows.

We re–enter the building, and the whole moon seems to shake as monsters pour out of tunnels in the ground and swarm towards us. I use the fusion blasters on my arms to collapse the tunnels and Little Voices cuts down our enemies as if they were wheat. The creatures start getting larger, from scouts and octo–apes to tentacled monsters armed with wicked blades and plasma cannons. My team shelter behind my shields and light up the room, blasting everything that moves.

Little Voices takes the bomb from Silver Shadows and places it on the damaged monolith at the center of the room.

“Ready!” he shouts, and hits the trigger as we race out.

The shield building explodes around us, the rock walls splitting and exploding into fragments that drift slowly through space and hit my suit with a soft thud. The shield is down, so Dark Fire and Small Talk are free to attack the arch. The base around us bursts into life as every type and style of saucer creature springs into life, charging back towards the arch.

I can see the tiny figures of Small Talk and Dark Fire at work on the arch, and I relax a little. It won’t be long now; nothing can stop us.

Then the arch flickers into life and a dozen enormous arms come through it, reaching up and grabbing our teammates and throwing thing from the arch so that they come crashing down beside us. The arms are followed by a copper behemoth that walks on six thick legs. It opens it mouth as if screaming, but the moon has no air and so we can’t hear anything.

There is a titan on the moon, and it’s not alone.

A tsunami of monsters targets us, attacking us in swarms of glowing spheres and long lances of light. A huge serpent–crab grabs my ankle and pulls me towards its wicked fangs. Never Lies blasts it apart and we fly to where Dark Fire and Small Talk are surrounded by piles of multi–legged beasts armed with long pincers. We are badly outnumbered, and I’m about to reach for the red button on my arm when a figure flashes into place in front of me, blasts a fireserpent with two plasma pistols and then executes a delicate landing, drawing fresh pistols as he does so.

It’s Bad Day, and I’m both greatly surprised and greatly pleased to see him.

Before I can ask him how he got to the moon he disappears and reappears a hundred meters away with Phoenix Pink and One Trick. Bad Day disappears in a flash and appears again a second later, this time carrying Not Stupid and Trigger Happy. He dumps them and disappears again, but this time I don’t see him return. Reinforcements have arrived, and I see Past Prime split an entire cyclops into two pieces with his bladed discs.

Never Lies was right about breaking the shield. She’s always right.

“Behind you!”

I turn to see a massive silver triclops racing at me. A salvo of plasma cuts it down just as it reaches me. I turn and wave at my savior: it’s Never Lies, but she doesn’t wave back. The superheroes are gathering around her, forming a solid wall of firepower that drives the defending army away.

Dark Fire and Silver Shadows fly in to join us, and even they look astonished to see the superheroes who have joined us. Dark Fire shakes his head in confusion.

“But Talented Brat said–”

One Trick shakes her head and Bad Day shrugs.

“Second Best found another way. It broke the Cerberus, but it got us here. Now are we talking, or are we fighting? Because I prefer fighting!”

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