《Noob Superhero》Lesson Nineteen: You Are Replaceable
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“Everyone dies, dude, but I’m planning to die in a far cooler way than you could even imagine.”
– Redback Surfer, in an interview a week before his death in what was reported as being 'very impressive fireball'.
“We soon realized that The General had lied about sending us reinforcements, but we also knew that the saucer held enough powerpacks to arm a whole new generation of superheroes. We made the decision to push on. That cost me an arm and Cold Comet’s her life, but only Dark Fire regrets the outcome of that fateful day.”
–Master Bansuri’s testimony at Dark Fire’s trial.
“Danger Magnet, have you heard from your father recently?” Never Lies asks.
The question takes me totally by surprise; my father is the last person I would have expected her to ask about. I am standing in her office, which is full of data projections and video feeds from across the world. Never Lies is standing with a data pad in her hand, and Bad Day is standing next to her. There is no desk in the room, and only one chair, a tall stool that looks very uncomfortable. This is the office of someone who never relaxes.
“I haven’t heard from him for a few days…” I say awkwardly.
It’s been more like a month since I received any mail from him, and even longer since I sent any of my own. I suddenly feel guilty for neglecting him.
“Is he okay?” I ask.
“He’s fine. Unfortunately Firestorm Commando still hates you for calling him a coward, and he still wants to kill you to prove himself to The General. He was doing a little research about you and found out your real name. He took a few of his goons to pay a visit to your dad. They weren’t in their superhero suits, of course. I bet they thought they could scare him to get back at you or something, but who knows what an idiot like that really thinks. Anyway, we had an agent watching him.”
“An agent?”
“Yes. We have agents watching every family member of every superhero out there, because we don’t want people getting any ideas about using family as leverage over superheroes. That’s a lesson we learnt from Pet Shark before Dark Fire got ahold of him.”
“I didn’t know about the agents,” I said.
“And you still don’t, as far as anyone knows. I probably shouldn’t have told you, but I don’t see much point in keeping those kinds of secrets. Anyway, the agent said the superheroes cornered your dad and pushed him around. He didn’t fight back much, because he must have known they were superheroes. The agent was about to intervene when Firestorm Commando said something about you being next, and then your father absolutely just lost control. Apparently he floored Firestorm Commando with his broom and then started strangling him. The other superheroes tried to stop him, but he yelled that if anything ever happened to you, he would find Firestorm Commando and…” Never Lies’ eyes flick over the data screen and she smiles as she says “…and then much of what followed was extremely coarse, although highly amusing. Some of his threats seem impossible, really, but I would love to see him try. Apparently the superheroes were so taken aback that they retreated right out of the building. I take it that you get some of your fire from your father.”
Bad Day is laughing and even Never Lies seems to think the incident was hilarious, but I don’t see the humor– my father’s actions were treason under the Super Corps act, and he could get the death penalty for them.
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“Relax, kid. We made your dad a new identity and found him a job working for a casino in their security department. Apparently he is very good at it.”
That is a step up from janitor, but I bet it’s only a matter of time before Dad’s nature gets the better of him and he tries to steal from the casino. At least he has a chance, and he’s not in any danger. I appreciate Never Lies pulling some strings to look after him for me.
“Thanks, boss,” I say.
I’m touched by her help, particularly as I haven’t been a great son to my father. I hate to admit it, but I sometimes forget about him. Life as a superhero is so busy and unpredictable that I’m often on the go for days before I get a chance to relax, and when I do I hardly ever call my dad. I did buy him a few presents the last time we went into town, but I never sent them. I should have.
I decide to do it right away when the alarm starts ringing and all the screens in Never Lies’ office turn red. Any thought of family or home is forgotten as a saucer appears on the screens.
“Got one,” says Bad Day.
It’s the same type of weird crystal saucer we hunted before, the one that caused a storm and contained the tentacle alien that we couldn’t kill. We have been waiting for another one to appear because the Super Corps analysts think it must be important to the saucers, possibly even one of their leaders. Never Lies points at a holographic map which shows the saucer’s probable path and a pulsing black dot that is trying to catch it.
“Dark Fire will probably intercept it here,” Never Lies says, picking a deserted area of forest somewhere in the eastern side of Asia.
The pulsing dot must be travelling faster than a jet fighter; Dark Fire must be melting his powerpacks to catch this thing.
“So… we better get going?” I say.
“Yes. Pack up every trick you can think of, because things are about to get heavy,” says Never Lies.
Twenty minutes later we are in a Comet circling a forest fire. Each of us is armed to the teeth with a variety of weapons to bring down whatever we find in the saucer. We have nets and harpoon guns, locks and chains, stun guns, glue rifles, and even what looks like a missile loaded with fishing hooks. We are ready for anything, anything at all.
“You won’t get away this time,” I hear Never Lies mutter as she stares out of the window.
We find the crashed saucer burning in the middle of a raging forest fire. Dark Fire is waiting for us when we drop out of the Comet. His helmet has a huge crack down the side, and one arm of his suit is completely missing its armor plating. I stare at him in amazement as he floats in the middle of a raging firestorm,
“The saucer didn’t want to land,” he explains. “I had to force it down with everything I had. It’s better than the last one – maybe three times as big. I think they are here.”
“The squid things? The saucer leaders?” I ask.
“Pretty sure,” Never Lies says as she scans the burning trees around us.
“Like the one that really messed us up last time and then escaped?” I ask again, and my voice shakes a little.
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Little Voices and Phoenix Pink take a step closer to me, and One Trick raises her plasma cannon into position. Even Bad Day’s pistols are shaking a little in his hands.
“I’ve never heard you sound nervous before, Danger Magnet,” Phoenix Pink says to me.
“Except around girls,” Little Voices adds, but his sword is in the air and ready for action.
“Quiet, you lot. Spread out but stay in sight of each other… and get ready to move,” snaps Never Lies.
Simon Smith pats me on the shoulder. I think he means it to be a comforting gesture but his hands are so cold that my shoulder feels numb. He isn’t carrying any weapons, unlike the rest of us, but I guess he doesn’t need to with his powers.
“I can hear singing… or a scratchy record,” Little Voices says.
“I can’t hear anything,” says Dark Fire.
“Where is it coming from?” demands Never Lies.
Little Voices points deeper into the fires where the smoke is so thick that we can’t see more than a few feet in any direction. We fly in a group with our weapons in our hands and our hearts in our mouths. Little Voices leads us over burning trunks and between blackened branches, guided by whatever odd noises he can hear in his head.
“Closer,” whispers Simon Smith.
I shouldn’t be able to hear him, but his voice carries into my helmet. A loud crack makes me jump, but it’s just a trunk splitting from the heat of the fire. Smoke leaks into my helmet and makes my eyes water. There is no sign of our quarry, and part of me is annoyed with Dark Fire for making such a mess for us to hunt in.
“Closer,” whispers Simon Smith again.
I bump into One Trick as we fly along, and she spins towards me and swears. I wave an apology and keep looking for the creature that may be hunting us as we hunt it. The smoke thins as we enter a clearing, and then I see it waiting for us. My heart begins to race as I raise my arms.
“What is that thing?” asks Phoenix Pink far too loudly.
The creature regards us with glowing blue eyes. It has a teardrop body and six thick tentacles that float around as if in zero-G. It raises a tentacle lazily and points it at Dark Fire, who falls out of the air like a rock, clutching at his throat.
Never Lies hits the squid with her plasma guns as Bad Day and Phoenix Pink teleport above the squid and drop nets of glowing wire onto it. One Trick pulls out a harpoon gun but its arrow bounces off the squid’s shield. I throw a whip over one of its tentacle and Little Voices slashes at it with his sword, barely cutting into it. The squid begins to glow, melting through whatever nets and wires we throw over it. Dark Fire is still on the ground struggling to breath, and the squid moves closer to him.
I get in its way; being a shield is all I’m good for.
The squid launches itself at me and smashes into my head, but I stay standing while it rebounds off. It shakes itself as if in surprise, and I hear Dark Fire coughing in relief behind me. Then the squid grabs each of my arms with a tentacle and tries its best to pull me apart. My armor creaks alarmingly and my shoulders ache as if they are about to pop out of my body.
“Close enough,” says Simon Smith, placing his hand gently on its head.
The squid goes limp. We jump onto it as a team, but the squid is dead.
“I was hoping to take it alive,” Never Lies complains, but the rest of us can only feel relief.
Even Dark Fire seems happy, and tries to high five Simon Smith, but our secret weapon ignores him and stares into the fires around him.
“Heads up!” yells Little Voices.
A second later another squid flies into the clearing, sees its fallen comrade and then barrels into us, knocking Simon Smith over and looping a tentacle around my neck. Dark Fire hits it with flames as he tries to take it out.
“Get it!” orders Never Lies.
I grab the tentacle around my neck and hold on tight as the squid takes off. My shields glow as it tries to blast me away, but I grip it so hard my fingers start to go numb. Little Voices catches my leg as the squid races away, dragging us along the ground, bouncing us violently through the trees. Never Lies hits it with accurate blasts that miss me by inches before burning into the squid, but the squid keeps going.
The creature spins and darts away, but we don’t let go.
“Hang on!” I call out as my shields begin to fade.
The creature was pouring so much energy into my shields that the trees around me burst into flames. I blast it with my cutting lasers while Little Voices stabs wildly at it with his sword. I keep my grip on the squid until it begins to slow a little. We crest a small hill and bounce right into a group of superheroes. One of them kicks me in the head as we fly past.
It’s Firestorm Commando.
“Help us!” calls out Little Voices.
The superhero team surrounds the squid and tries to hold it up. Firestorm Commando takes the opportunity to stab at me with an axe while I attack the glowing squid.
“Not now, idiot!” I scream as his blade bounces off my armor.
The squid wraps its tentacles around the other supers and starts throwing them around. I can see Little Voices ducking and diving as all hell breaks loose around us. Plasma and laser fire cuts up the ground around us as everything we throw at the squid seems to bounce right off it. One of the superheroes manages to knock it down and we all pile in, a pack of superheroes doing everything they can to beat the creature with raw force. Eventually we wrestle it into submission and Little Voices wraps chains around it.
Only two of the other superheroes are still standing. One is Storm Blade, who is six feet tall and wears a black suit decorated with branching lightning bolts that start at his helmet and run down to his feet. He’s armed with a thin plasma sword and a shuriken cannon and he looks like he knows how to use them.
The superhero still standing is Firestorm Commando. I bet he didn’t even get involved in the fight.
“That’s ours,” he says, reaching for the squid.
Little Voices slaps the outreached hand with the flat of his blade.
“Does it matter? As long as someone brings it in,” I say as I try to keep my anger in check.
This is not the time for petty revenge. We need to bring this weird creature back to the men and women in R&D so they can work out what it’s for. Surely even Firestorm Commando can see that?
“Storm Blade, why don’t you give these traitors something to keep them busy?”
Storm Blade raises his hands and blasts us with lightning that flows over our bodies and forms a cage around us so that we can’t move.
“Not cool, dude!” complains Little Voices.
Storm Blade uses his lightning to move us away from the squid, but I can tell that he is trying to avoid hurting us too badly, probably because he isn’t a jerk like Firestorm Commando.
Firestorm Commando grabs the squid by a chain and drags it away. The squid starts to squirm again, and Storm Blade looks at it with concern.
“It’s not dead,” I say.
Firestorm Commando ignores its feeble movements.
“Shut up. Storm Blade, I want you to hurt them. Hurt them!”
Storm Blade shakes his head.
“Why?” he says, and I can tell that he isn’t anything like Firestorm.
“Because I said so! Do it!”
“That creature is getting stronger… we can’t let it get away,” warns Little Voices.
Firestorm Commando throws a plasma bolt at me, but it bounces harmlessly off my shield.
“Why are you listening to this idiot? He’s going to let that thing get away!” I yell.
Storm Blade lets his lightning net subside and we jump free.
“I didn’t tell you to do that!” Firestorm Commando whines.
The squid arcs its body up and its chains snap. It grabs Firestorm Commando by the neck and tosses him so hard against the ground that he leaves a crater.
Storm Blade casts his net onto the squid as it focusses its fire onto him. He takes a punishing amount of fire as I boost Little Voices right at the squid with all my strength. He cuts its head off with a powerful stroke, and it rolls to my feet. I grab it, and it’s so hot that it melts my glove. I try to drop it, but it’s fused to my arm. Little Voices uses a fire extinguisher to cool my hand, but I can feel my skin blistering.
“Thanks, man,” I say, turning to Storm Blade.
He’s slumped down on the ground with his visor open, and he looks a little green.
“Firestorm Commando is gone,” he says with a rasping voice, and then passes out.
I check him; he’s still breathing. I’m grateful for his help, but I can’t help thinking that Firestorm Commando won’t forget what he did.
“You have something that belongs to me,” a voice calls out.
I turn around and see The General floating in the air, a blue sword in one hand and a glowing red rod in the other. He has a member of his Elite Guard on either side, and Firestorm Commando is floating behind them. They don’t look happy to see us, and the feeling is mutual.
The General’s gaze takes in the bodies around us, including the fallen members of his team. His eyes linger on the fallen body of Storm Blade.
“These two attacked our team,” Firestorm Commando yells out from behind The General.
“What? It was the squid. They helped us fight the squid while Firestorm Commando ran away,” Little Voices says.
The General looks around with disdain.
“This team was disposable,” he says, which is a cruel thing to say about a team of people who were trying to save Earth.
“Do you want to talk to Never Lies and Dark Fire?” I try, and pop a flare.
“Those two upstarts are here? Good. Find them. Kill them.”
His Elite Guard fly off, leaving Little Voices and me to face one of the most powerful superheroes alive. Firestorm Commando lingers amongst the trees, watching us.
“I know you,” The General says, “you pulled my daughter into a saucer attack and nearly got her killed. I wanted you in prison or dead, but Dark Fire convinced the others that you had potential.”
He spits the word ‘potential’ like it has a bitter taste. The rod in his hand crackles with power, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
“Now I find you attacking your fellow heroes and attempting to steal this valuable alien artifact. Traitor.”
“Steady on, big fellow,” says Little Voices, circling around to give The General two targets.
“You know that none of that is true. You can ask Stacey yourself,” I say.
“Ask her myself? Why, have you turned her against me too? Just like Dark Fire turned Cold Comet ? Just like Iron Golem turned my wife against me when my back was turned? People were always whispering behind my back about Golem and my wife. She said that they were just making small talk like good neighbors should, but I knew he was turning her against me. Is that what you want to do, turn my daughter against me?” he asks with wild anger as glowing rings of power slip from his suit and scorch the ground around me.
The General is insane. The General. Is. Insane. The General is INSANE.
“Oh, saucer,” Little Voices says quietly.
“How dare you!” The General roars, and launches himself at me.
Little Voices is already swinging that enormous sword of his, but The General catches it on his own sword and holds it back. They spar back and forth for a few seconds as I look for my opening, but even Little Voices can’t get past his guard.
“You are very fast,” he says to Little Voices.
He raises the rod in his hand and blasts my friends as I leap at him. He strikes me down with the rod while I’m still in the air, and then stabs right through my shield and into my chest. Despite all my training, despite all my experience, despite all my will power, I hit the ground and can’t get up.
“And you are very tough,” he says to me, and he smiles.
“And you are a dick!” says Little Voices, and kicks out at The General’s head.
The General catches his kick and twists, throwing Little Voices hard against the ground.
“But I am very powerful. Very, very powerful. You children have no idea what you are facing, do you? DO YOU?”
He blasts us with red lightning that burns my suit and my skin, and my shields do nothing to save me. Little Voices and I are good, but he made us look like amateurs. His blade is still in my chest and he pushes it right through so that it pins me to the ground. I don’t scream, but I want to. Little Voices rolls to his feet and tries to tackle our opponent, but The General lashes out and Tenchi goes down so hard that he drops his sword. He groans and doesn’t get up again.
I still have the squid’s head in my hand.
“Give that to me,” The General orders.
I try to open my hand, but the glove is melted closed and I can’t release the head. There is nothing I can do to let it go, but The General doesn’t seem to care.
“I can’t… I’m trying… please…” I say.
I don’t want to die, not like this, not again. This is a stupid death, and I want to see my dad again before I die. I owe him that much, at least.
“I can’t… let go… it’s melted into me,” I splutter.
The General picks up Little Voices’ sword in one hand and stares at it. The huge blade glows far brighter than when Little Voices carries it.
“Why would they give such beautiful things to such wretched failures?” he mutters, and brings the sword down on my arm.
I wake up screaming. I’m in the hospital, and my whole arm is heavily bandaged and completely numb. I can’t move my fingers.
“Saucerhells…” I whisper.
“Yes. I have some good news and quite a lot of bad news,” Never Lies says from beside my bed.
I consider my options while staring at the bandaged stump. I wonder why The General didn’t kill me; I wonder if I still have a hand. I wonder why I’m not completely overwhelmed with worry and fear, and decide that the doctor must have me on some powerful drugs.
“Let’s have the good news,” I decide at last.
“Second Best and Got Greedy have a really good prosthetic hand ready for you.”
Uh oh.
“I said I wanted the good news,” I complain.
“That was the good news. The bad news is that no amount of modern medicine can cure what I can only assume is the chronic case of idiot that you seem to be afflicted with. Two of you against The General? I thought I had trained you better than that. It took the whole team to take out his two friends. Well… Simon Smith didn’t help, but everyone else did. And we only got one of the squids.”
I try to explain that it wasn’t entirely my fault, but my excuses die out under her cutting blue eyes.
“You are just lucky that Simon Smith found you when he did. He was furious, apparently. Even The General couldn’t stand against that. Anyway, I’ll give you a few days to recover, but we need you back in the suit as soon as you feel up to it.”
She stands up and gets ready to leave.
“Your bedside manner could use some work,” I say.
“I’m a soldier, not your mother. Now shut up and get better, because we need to get that second head back from The General. It’s time to take off the gloves and take back what belongs to us.
The nurse arrives and gives me a dose of something that puts me to sleep.
When I wake up I have a brand new metal hand. It doesn’t feel pain like my real hand used to, but I notice that it has a number of buttons and panels. I see a note stuck to it and recognize Second Best’s thin and spiky handwriting: “I built a stun gun into it… I thought you might like that. Second Best,” I read. My new hand has titanium skin and comes with a built-in flashlight and penknife.
It also has a phone, which I use to call my dad.
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