As of today, I intend to retire. As a young man, I would often screw around, having fun with my friends. But now that I’m thirty, I have decided that I want to settle down. I would very much like to settle down in the Imperial Capital, doing some light labour every day, go through some tough times, go through some happy times, experience all five flavours of life, etc.

However, as I walked down the mountain, I was greeted by someone.

“Hehe, I knew that you would try to leave. Don’t bother, you know that you’re in a special position.” A female voice that sounded like the tinkle of bells shook my very soul as I reached the base of the mountain.

“Fuck, why must you keep me here?” I swore as I addressed the woman who caught me in my tracks.

“You know that I would have to be the Sect Master if you leave.” The woman nagged, drawing her sword, “If you don’t head back now, I trust that you know the consequences.”

The woman smiled a smile that could outshine the sun. She looked to be about twenty, and had waist-length hair that billowed down her shoulders, accentuating her beautiful figure. She had soft and supple twin peaks that shook ever so slightly when she laughed, and a body that only a god could ever fuck. In fact, even gods would likely worship her for her beauty.

“Fine, fine.” I could only head back in the direction that I previously came from. Like I said, I intended to retire today, but she foiled my plan once again.

Who is the ‘she’ that I referred to? She is my shimei, Hua Xiaozhui, who has a body that only gods could ever fuck. Although I say that she is my shimei, we are not blood related, no. In fact, I’m an only child, with no one to lean on, and no one to take care of. To be honest, I feel humiliated that my plans are constantly being foiled by her, especially with our five-year age gap.

However, I couldn’t defeat her. I should be the one that disciplines her, with my five-year age gap, yet I couldn’t even hold a candle to her.

“Why can’t you just pass the sect leader position to your shidis?” I asked under my breath. However, she simply shook her head with a bitter smile.

“If I pass it over to third shidi or fourth shidi, the sect will be exterminated within a week. If I pass it to fifth shimei, the sect will have an internal strife.” She repeated the reasons.

“I know why. It was a rhetorical question.” I replied.

The sect, the Hundred Retard Mountain—sorry, Hundred Divine Technique Mountain[1]—was one of the greater sects within the local area. In fact, we were one of the three hegemonies within the area. The first-generation sect leader gave us this stupid name as a joke, since the sect originally had 100 secret manuals within the library. However, I didn’t think it was funny at all. Who would want to be called the Sect Leader of the Hundred Retard Manor? It would sound like I became the director of an asylum!

My third and fourth shidis were extremely strong existences, nicknamed the ‘Hundred Bastard Mountain’ and the ‘Drunkard of Mt. retard’ respectively, both referencing the name of the sect.

To summarise, third shidi is a lecher who dies if he cannot go to the brothel daily, while fourth shidi is a drunkard who dies if he cannot go to the bar daily. Meanwhile, fifth shimei is simply too weak, so placing her in a position of power is just asking for the sect to implode on itself.

Hence, the sect leader position is placed on both me and shimei. The issue is that……shimei is way too free-spirited and mischievous, making her unsuitable for the role, leaving the only eligible candidate being me.

After crossing through a valley under the watch of shimei, we reached the Hundred Divine Technique Mountain. The Hundred Divine Technique Mountain was closer to a mountain village, with a few hundred disciples who are extremely strong.

Within the mountain village that is one of the three hegemonies of the jianghu, the disciples train, eat and live until they reach a certain level, before being allowed to leave.

Most people can leave once they reach twenty, like third shidi and fourth shidi, while others have had their fun and decided to come back, like shimei. However, I’m the sole. Fucking. Exception. I have to stay here until I formally accept the Sect Master’s seat, and even then, I still have to come back to complete paperwork.

Let me get this straight—I don’t want to become sect master, if it wasn’t obvious enough. I don’t believe that anyone can still think that after all that complaining, but just in case. I DO NOT WANT TO BECOME SECT MASTER.

However, it seems that my shifu, the current sect master of the Hundred Divine Technique Mountain, seems dead set on putting me on that position. Couldn’t he just keep the seat until fifth shimei became strong enough? He’s only ten years older than me, and can definitely live for another hundred years or so! Shiye is still alive, and he’s 300, so why couldn’t he just be the sect master for 250 more years?

Alas, shifu found a girl that he truly loves, and wants to travel the world with her, so I can only do as he says. I do feel happy that he found someone to dedicate himself to—the way that he hits up brothels, I’m afraid that he’d receive AIDS or Herpes. Hopefully, he’d stay faithful to his wife and not go around seducing other women like he always does.

“Wuming, I’ll go first.” Shimei flashed a cheeky grin as she walked towards the direction of her house. I immediately felt confused as I received a bad omen. Whenever my mischievous shimei shows that smile, I know that I’m fucked. In fact, the last time she did……

“Wuxing Wuming! Where did you keep my wine?” The irate voice of my shiye could be heard from within his house, “You ungrateful bastard, return the wine I’ve been brewing for 200 years!”

Before I could make a run for it, my shiye was already in front of me.

“You stole my wine! Where the fuck did you store it? Did you drink it? Shitshitshit return it! We have an important visitor today!” Shiye shouted at me. What important visitor? The only visitor that’s coming today is my shipo.

“Isn’t shipo the only one coming today?”

“Exactly! Cough it up now, or neither of us will be safe!” Shiye shouted nervously.

“Shimei was probably the one that stole it.” I replied calmly.

“Bullshit, she doesn’t drink alcohol, don’t try tricking me!” Shiye roared, obviously out of desperation, “If you’ve drunk it, then we’re both fucked.”

“I didn—” I couldn’t finish my sentence as shiye punched me in the stomach. Help……I’ve been framed……

It was only by letting him check through my entire house that he believed me. The only problem was that……he confiscated my ten years’ worth of porn that I’ve stored up.

“I’m done for……” Shiye moaned lifelessly.

“If you’re really desperate, go to shimei’s room to check.” If you’re going to sabotage me, then expect the same to go for you.

“Whatever, I’ll just check.” Shiye said, stumbling out of my house.

So, you can roughly see why I hate my sect. It is full of eccentrics with terrible personalities. Their martial prowess and their mental age seem to be extremely disproportionate. To be honest, I despise staying here, since I tend to simply be a sandbag to my various sect mates. Especially my shimei.

To be brutally honest, I like my fifth shimei the best. She’s still too young to develop a truly eccentric personality. I feel that I should shield her from my fellow disciples.

“Wuming! Why did you send shiye over?” Shimei entered the room without knocking. Her face seemed to be red and somewhat bashful, a stark contrast compared to her usual mischievous demeanour.

“Let me guess—shiye walked into you doing something indecent?” I asked nonchalantly. She didn’t reply, but her face that flushed gave me her answer.

“Why did you tell him that it was me?” Shimei pouted, pouring herself a cup of tea from the teapot that was on my table. Her annoyed face made my heart melt, it was so adorable! Amitabha, Amitabha, begone indecent thoughts, dammit!

“Why wouldn’t I pass the hot potato to you? You deserve it.” I replied, smirking at her misfortune, “Oh, that tea had been there for a week.”

Shimei spat out the tea that she had drunk, aiming it at my face. Luckily, I could dodge the sneak attack quite easily with a little bit of Qing gong.

“Why didn’t you tell me that before?!” Shimei’s face turned pale as she gagged. Hell, this is too much! Her beauty is too great! Even her gagging expression looks cute!

“You didn’t ask. I’m already being kind by telling you about it when you just started.” I replied, pouring out the rotten tea. Boiling some water on a kettle, I prepared to make some fresh tea, “I got some new dandelion tea.”

“Are dandelions even edible?” Shimei wondered aloud, “Anyways, I would like you to stop trying to escape.”

“OKOK, fine, you win.” I grumbled, “I won’t escape.”

“Great! The water’s boiling!” Shimei flashed her brighter-than-sunlight smile once again. Hehe, she doesn’t know that I am extremely shameless!

As I poured some tea for her, I realised that her face was extremely red. “Are you OK? You look like a tomato.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. 100%......I’m OK……” She replied, slowly dozing off. I sighed, and threw my blanket over her shoulders. She’d probably tried to drink the wine that shiye brewed. Hehe, 200-year-old wine is stronger than you think—even with her level of qigong, there’s no way that she can stay sober with even a smell. At most, she can delay the effects for a while. I knew that for a fact since I tried to do that too, hehe.

After checking that she was out cold, I picked up my outer shirt, and opened the door. However, before I could leave, I felt a tugging sensation on my sleeve. I immediately panicked—was she awake? If she catches me, the next chance like this would be in a long time! However, as I turned around, I realised that she was still asleep.

When I tried to leave, she had held onto my sleeve, seemingly without knowing it. Her sleeping face had fairy-like charm to it. In fact, if she was more ladylike, she’d definitely have that fairy-like charm around her all the time.

“……Wu ge……don’t leave……” She muttered under her breath, making my heart melt, “Don’t go……just like mom…and dad……what if I……can’t see you again……”

I felt my heart being compressed as an internal romance of the two nations happened. The both of us were orphans. We met on the streets when I followed shifu out to buy some pork buns. At the time, I was ten, and she was five. Seeing that she was starving, I passed her my own pork bun despite also being hungry. Since then, that was her number one comfort food.

I had brought her into the sect, just like how my master brought me into the sect. She was lucky, though. She had received a name prior to being abandoned. My master simply named me Wuxing Wuming[2] since he was too lazy to come up with a legitimate one. So, whenever I signed up for something, the organiser would assume that I was fooling around. Anyways, I’ve digressed. I felt heartache at having to leave shimei, but this is probably my last chance, since I’ll be receiving the position in two weeks.

I pulled my sleeve away from shimei’s grasp—or at least, I tried to. However, her grip was like iron. I could not get it to budge an inch. I could only rip the part where she was holding into two, allowing me to finally leave.

“Wu ge……don’t go……” Shimei groaned, sobbing. It seemed that she realised that I got away. I smiled bitterly, but could only leave the house. What else could I do? I don’t want to stay here forever like a loner. Even baby birds have to leave the nest someday, not to mention someone like myself.

I made a run for the back mountain, using a little bit of Qigong to break up the lines of my body, allowing me to blend in with the environment. As I ran, I felt something cold land on my forehead. “Is it that time of the year already?” I wondered as snow began to float down from the sky.

Fuckfuckfuck, I only wore one outer shirt when I left! I should’ve brough a cloak instead! If it was just cold, my outer shirt is more than enough. But when it’s snowing? Obviously not!

Pushing my Qing gong to the maximum, I darted down the mountain. After a ke[3] of running, I heard the shouting sounds from shiye. His screams were like ghost shouts. It seems that he didn’t recover the wine from shimei’s room. Then what the hell was she doing when he entered the room?

With another ke of running, I reached the base of the mountain. Running further would bring me out of the territory of the Hundred Retard—sorry, Hundred Divine Technique Mountain. Who in the high heavens names their life’s work that for a joke? It isn’t even funny!

I felt somewhat nostalgic—I remembered the times that I was foiled by shimei over and over again. Fucking hell, those were terrible days. When shimei gets angry, even demons in the Jie sect would get frightened.

This is the final barrier. If I get out, then I can be free. If I can’t then I shall forever be stuck in this accursed sect. Even though I hate this place, I still grew up here. Leaving after being trapped here for almost thirty years still felt surreal.

I took a deep breath, and stepped forward. The amount of spiritual Qi within the atmosphere immediately dropped to less than a thousandth. The reason why sect disciples were so much stronger than wandering pugilists was because every sect had a spirit trapping formation to increase the density of spiritual Qi.

I felt suffocated, as if the amount of oxygen had drastically dropped. However, this was all expected—I experienced the same thing when I first met shimei.

Breathing deeply, I walked ahead, towards the Imperial Capital.

[1] It’s the difference between 百 神經 山 and 百 神 經 山, where 百 means hundred, 神 means divine, 經 means technique or sutra, 山 meaning mountain, and 神經 meaning retarded in some contexts.

[2] Wuxing Wuming—無姓無名 lit. Surname-less Nameless

[3] 14.4 minutes