-=-----------------------8:03 AM-----------------------=-

So, as soon as I wake up, my parents yelled at me. Why? Because I haven't chosen a school for senior high yet.

I just woke up- come on, at least let me eat breakfast before yelling me.

They forced me to look for a new school but I suddenly remembered-

Exams are next week!

Yeah, I convinced them I'll look for a school after I finish the exams. Not really a studious student, but I still don't wish to fail on the exams at the very least.

So yeah, pretty neat so far.

-=-----------------------10:36 AM-----------------------=-

I was just reviewing for Science then suddenly my mom asked me what course I'm going to take.

For me, it was pretty obvious that the only option available for me is ABM.

There were other courses but at the moment, they don't really suit me at all. Neither does ABM to be honest, but it's the closest thing I got.

HUMSS? Not really a man of politics, nor am I an honorable devout for Jesus.

STEM? I'm not really a big brain for mathematics nor do I enjoy it, it's a great skill for MMORPG games but I'll let my friends who actually enjoys that stuff do the math for me.

Music and Arts? I'm practically tone deaf and as for arts- it's only something I do for fun.

ICT? Programming is not an issue for me but to be honest, I just see it as a hobby than as a job.

Thus in conclusion, I chose ABM, business math, some degree of communications, it's the most solid choice I had so far.

So that's how I chose the ABM course.

My dad asked why I chose ABM, I explained it to him, I would've chosen HUMSS but I am pretty introverted so I explained that to him.

He got angry at me for being introverted and blamed video games for it- WHAT DO YOU MEAN VIDEO GAMES CAUSED ME BEING AN INTROVERT?!

I was introverted from the very beginning.

During grade 1, I was usually made fun off for reasons I don't know either, children be children. How did I counter this? By building up my ego, I was so egotistic that the kids who used to make fun of me stopped. After all, it ain't worth it now is it?

I studied in a Catholic private school and built my ego from there. I assume that's how my dad assumed I'm pretty extroverted since I'm loud and self-centered. I don't really know how confidence worked so I faked it by building this massive ego of mine.

I was able to hide my introvert self until grade 6. Reason how I was able to hide is because of one; noone can physically hurt me and two; well no- that's the only reason I thought I could build my massive ego without too much problems. I still get insulted and bullied mentally sometimes but by making a facade with my ego, I was able to reduce that number. Then one day, I got assaulted by a classmate.

It was horrible. At first, my ego kept the pain in and I called out and did a bluff. Then he started hitting and hitting me again, I guess this was his revenge because I screwed with him once by calling him out in front of everyone (not specifying exact details). I pushed him back and the teachers got a hold of us. We both got punished for our behavior, although my parents found it unfair. I didn't really care that much.

What I did care about was that during the confrontation with the teachers, the teacher hugged me and told me

"it's all going to be ok"

And I started crying like a little child.

I guess I built my defenses to block negative emotions but not positive ones. I was completely defenseless that day.

From that point on, my ego was completely erased. I lost a majority of the friends I made. Lost the defenses I had. The only bright side is that the teachers paid more attention to me to make sure I don't get physically or mentally harmed.

I graduated with a forced smile on my face. My parents didn't even know about it. And even if they did, they're going to blame it on the very few video games I played.

When I entered junior high. I decided to boost my previously high ego TENFOLD.

That's how I met my new friends. They're nicer than my old ones, they're more understanding than the old ones.

They can tolerate my oversized ego and I'm glad I get to befriend such nice people. Ever since I boosted my ego tenfold. I was not as happy as I used to be when I was still in elementary.

But at the very least, I feel safe.

Well, that's my story of being an introvert with an oversized ego.

Back to reviewing for science. It's on wednesday so I guess I'll just take my time. It's not that crazy. Science A* is crazy but that's on Friday so not too bad.

Note: I have two different Sciences, you guys probably do too. For me, it's Science and Science A

-=-----------------------12 :23 PM-----------------------=-

After finishing reviewing for Science, I checked my schedule then I realized something.

FUCK-

The exams start tomorrow- not wednesday!

I panicked and checked the schedule. Science was one of the first three subjects. I sighed with relief.

Didn't spend two hours for nothing. So I guess I'll just finish eating lunch and study the other two subjects real quick.

Ughhhhh

Today is quite the hell for me. I'm just glad that after examinations, I can relax during Christmas break.

-=-----------------------2:20 PM-----------------------=-

I really just want to watch YouTube at this point but I'm pushing myself to at least study this much. It's not that bad I guess. I'm learning?

I don't dislike studying, I dislike boredom. That's why when I read manga or a light novel or something. I read the comments and the opinions of other people. That's half the fun of reading online.

Just reading this book is kind of making me sluggish. I would really want to pass out now.

What to talk about, what to talk about.

About my ego earlier, it's not really that personal. Even my friends know about it.

I give people obvious weaknesses of myself to make my defenses stronger. I can sense compassion, I can sense pity. My only weakness is true compassion. Positivity weakens me. People can never normally make me angry or sad, just pissed or annoyed at most. Kind of anti-social too and I don't really care about that unwritten rule of hierarchy. I can and will say no if I feel like it. That's how sturdy my ego is now. The only one who got a hold of my ego aside from my friends is one of my teachers. They showed compassion and I broke down eventually.

That teacher moved to a better school so I no longer need to worry about my ego detiorating. As much as I hate the school system. It's my utopia.

Am I mentally unstable? I think?

I don't know, but this is what I have to do to.

Being true to yourself and be happy is what people say. To someone like me, that's too much to ask, I will only have one and not both of those traits.

Happiness is unecessary, the feeling of safety is what I truly need.

Well, this got edgy but eh, got nothing to talk about since all I'm doing is reviewing for the exams. Speaking of exams, since it's starting tomorrow and is ending on Wednesday, me and my friends can start playing RLCraft and have fun together again.

-=-----------------------5:11 PM-----------------------=-

After two more hours of studying, I think I can call it a day and rest.

And hot damn

As soon as I finished studying, my parents got back home and started yelling at me and asking why I'm not studying. At this point, I just have them automatically on mute.

My grades aren't what people would consider great but please-- I want to rest.

I used to get decent grades, like 90 and stuff. One of my biggest regrets since they have this expectations I'm supposed to be smart or something. That was like gradeschool- that's hardly an achievement, I didn't even try. It's a poor decision but I decided to just intentionally lower my grades by lessening the time I actually study outside of school. Used to study an additional four hours. Now I barely actually open my textbook.

I don't really feel happy nor sad doing this. I just feel rather content and free that I don't have to be studying like I used to. I feel irresponsible about it but I don't feel bad at all.

I seem pretty greedy, huh?

Some people have ambitions, some people have dreams. I'm one of those people who dreams greatly. I mean, why shouldn't we? Definitely not one of those who have great ambitions. My only ambition is to live a life, a mediocre one, away from expectations and achievements. I just want to be myself where I can relax and enjoy things without being judged poorly for it.

Well, ironically, in this capitalist world, they'll judge you poorly for that.

I obviously have great and caring parents. That's a fact, I'm not trying to antagonize them. They just want me to be successful and happy in the future and there's nothing wrong with that. They just have the wrong approach with me really.

They're probably the reason why I want a mediocre and simple life. I want to show them that I am not that great of a person. I am just a simple man with simple needs and desires.

Well, the world isn't so simple really so this is definitely a difficult path. I won't even argue if people say it's a wrong one, I definitely think it is. But it's my decision, and it's mine to make.

Well, definitely not going to take this seriously like the previous years. Plus I have this addiction I'm trying to deal with, I don't need another problem needing fixing.

-=-----------------------8:19 PM-----------------------=-

Alright, I just finished eating dinner and I decided to look for somewhere to take senior high.

I found a few choices, some of which are too good to be true. Some are restricted by report card evaluations which reduces my chances by half on most of the schools but I'm pretty satisfied with the roster I have. Worst case scenario is school being available again next year and me encountering a bully.

But those rarely happen in senior high right? Plus with the way things are right now, online classes might be the norm even until next year.

I'm not saying this pandemic is good, it's actually shit. I don't like staying at home, like I previously stated. The school is my safe haven, like a prison!

It's bad but hey, I won't get killed or something.

Examination's tomorrow and I need to at least do semi-decent. That's why I actually studied for more than three hours.

Oh and my friend showed me a chess meme video. I liked it not because of the edits- but because the move play was smart.

Well, that chess video made my day. Today was pretty stressful but that's why sleeping exists.

Time to sleep the sorrow away.

-=-----------------------9:23 PM-----------------------=-

End

Results

Independency on Addiction(DOA): 4/10

Productivity Results(PR): 6/10

Enjoyment Rate(ER): 1/10

Side Note: How are am I not suicidal- also, tabbing in this website sucks. I'll just keep it like that.