Part 1

“Killed?” Sasha asked, putting a hand over her mouth in shock. “I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I didn’t know that’s how your son died.”

“Xerath and I decided to keep it quiet. He didn’t want the people knowing there was an assassin on the loose. Not many people knew but as time passed and Asar was… unaccounted for, people began to spread rumors.” Cara explained. “Instead, we told a lie, that our son died of an illness.”

“That must have been so hard for you.” Sasha scooched closer and took her hand. “It must have been awful, unable to speak of it.”

“It was… unbearable to be true.” Cara hung her head low. “I couldn’t cope with it, so I left my husband alone and fled like a coward.”

“You mustn’t speak that way, my lady.” Sasha said. “Surely he doesn’t see it that way.”

Cara looked up at the beautiful young girl, her smile, genuine and heartwarming, it gave her a sense of hope.

After Kyburn and Erik left for Kligira, Sasha and she had become close friends. Something she thought impossible after Asar died. Having someone to talk to who understood pain like hers, though young, Sasha had known great sorrow as she had. That same pain, brought them together, creating an instant bond. It felt odd opening up to her but for once, she felt free and safe in doing so.

Cara was nearly thirty but Sasha didn’t seem so young once she spoke with her in more depth. At first, Cara assumed Sasha’s young age would hinder them from becoming friends, she was quickly proven wrong.

Waiting in her room for Sasha’s caravan to finish preparations, they both chatted away. Sasha was such a comfort to her. It was so relieving to have someone to talk to that understood. Their time together was coming to an end, however, and Cara had grown fond of the young girl in her short time in Xerixes.

“My husband has been wonderfully patient with me. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a more loving and patient man.” she praised. “He saved my life… and I couldn’t even thank him for it. I was a coward but he didn’t give up on me, his love for me never weaning. Giving me time and space to grieve in my own way.”

“It is good to grieve.” Sasha said. “I’m sure the king knew you had to deal with his loss your own way.”

“He did know. And he let me have it but I missed something important that I was blind to at the time.” Cara explained further. “I left him alone. I needed to be alone, but Xerath... he needed me. I didn’t think of him, only myself.”

“Oh. I see.” Sasha mumbled. “You mustn’t blame yourself. Xerath loves you and I’m sure he doesn’t blame you for grieving. You said it yourself, he understood you needed time alone.”

“I left my husband for five months so I could come to terms with Asar’s death but what I didn’t understand is…” Cara paused. “Xerath suffered as much as I, if not more. He needed me to grieve with him but I left like a fool. I know I hurt him deeply. I see it on his face every time.”

Cara couldn’t hold in her tears any longer and wept uncontrollably. “I see it in his eyes when I look at him. I betrayed him. I abandoned him so selfishly.” she cried.

Sasha sat silently, holding her hand but remembered something, “Forgive me, my lady but you're wrong. At least partially.” she countered. “You may have hurt him by leaving, but I see the way he looks at you and it isn’t of betrayal or resentment. His gaze speaks of love and passion for you.”

“You really think so?” Cara asked, wiping away tears and sniffing.

“I think, if you asked him right now, he would tell you he’s forgiven you and loves you.” Sasha said simply. “I bet, he doesn’t even think of it that way anymore.”

“I hope you’re right.” Cara tried to smile.

“Now that you're back with him, have you spoken of this to him?” Sasha asked. “Perhaps it will help you both heal from the loss of your son. To confront it.”

“It comes in waves but the pain is bearable.” Cara tried to smile again. “But yes, we have spoken about it. I feel like we are finally beginning to heal... together.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Sasha smiled and squeezed her hand gently. “It will take time.”

“I’m so glad I have someone to talk to about all this. Forgive me if I’m boring you.” Cara cleared her throat.

“Nonsense, my lady.” Sasha immediately denied her apology. “If you need an ear, I will listen. If you need comfort, I am here and I do so gladly.”

“Thank you.” Cara said softly.

Sasha looked at her as if she saw something in her. Cara instinctively pulled away, removing her hand from Sasha’s gentle touch. Her reaction shocked the young girl but she didn’t seem to mind the rejection of her comforting hand.

“When both my parents died. As young as he was, Henry was there for me.” Sasha began. “Without Henry, I might not be here. I know all too well the pain of losing a loved one, and when Henry’s parents died, I ran to him. I wanted to suck all the pain away. But I couldn’t. Only time can heal those kinds of wounds.”

Cara watched the young girl speak, her words far beyond her age. A result of this cruel world they lived in.

“I know Henry felt it. He wanted to take the pain away from me too.” Sasha started to tear up. “I am certain Xerath feels the same way. But men find it more difficult to deal with their feelings, whereas women perhaps... feel it too much. I believe Xerath simply doesn’t know how to help you. Or help himself.”

“Oh.” Cara cried into her hands. “I don’t want to feel this way. And I know Xerath doesn’t either.”

“There’s something else bothering you. Isn’t there?” Sasha asked. “Forgive me if I pry too much, but if you need to speak of something that you fear saying aloud, I will not judge.”

For a moment, Cara panicked, thinking of ways Sasha may have found out but quickly calmed herself, knowing it was impossible for her to know anything. She took a deep breath and responded as calmly as she could muster.

“I’m sorry I pulled away from you.” Cara said kindly. “I don’t know how you know something else is bothering me but there are some things I cannot divulge to you.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Sasha blushed. “I didn’t know it was something other than your relationship with your husband. I just assumed it was related to that.”

“No need to be sorry.” Cara smiled. “Enough about me. Tell me more about yourself. I saw quite clearly that you and that handsome boy are close. Henry seems a wonderful match for you.”

Sasha blushed again, forgetting about the previous conversation. “I-We are to be married soon.” she grinned uncontrollably, her face brightening. Her face beamed the joy and giddiness she felt.

“That’s exciting. When are you planning on marrying?” Cara asked, smiling from the reaction of the young redhead.

“Oh… well.” Sasha trailed off. “We aren’t sure exactly. Henry hopes to set a date when he returns to Zulin.”

“That’s wonderful.” Cara took Sasha’s hands in hers.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to be married though.” Sasha’s manor seemed to hesitate.

“There’s no need to rush as you both are very young. Don’t worry if you need more time. Perhaps even a few years of waiting would do you both some good. If he loves you, he will wait.” Cara said firmly.

“I suppose you are right.” Sasha said more seriously. “He’s been so caught up in his mission with Lord Kyburn and it’s changing him. I am worried about him and how that will affect our relationship.”

“He’s a young man. Give him space and time.” Cara offered her advice. “I hear Kyburn is like a father to him, let him enjoy the time with him. He will return and have him all to yourself soon enough.”

“Uh,” Sasha sighed. “Your right. I just worry for him.”

“As you should.” Cara said. “There is nothing wrong with that, but you mustn’t smother the young man either.”

“How do I balance that?” Sasha asked. “When he arrived in Xerixes, he was wounded, and couldn’t help but lose myself in fear.”

“Oh, dear.” Cara shrugged. “If I knew the perfect balance I’d tell you. Men are complicated yet aren’t at the same time. You’ll learn. It also takes time. But give him space. Most men need that.”

“But Henry isn’t like most men.” Sasha frowned along with a groan. “I just want us both to be happy and live a full life together.”

“I understand.” Cara said. “Don’t worry about it too much just yet. You’ll have plenty of time to worry once you are married, trust me.”

A knock on the door drew both their attention off of the conversation and their troubles of men disappeared.

“Your majesty?” a man said softly from behind the door. “Lady Sasha’s carriage awaits. They are leaving as we speak.”

“Carriage?” Sasha turned to Cara in confusion.

“Yes. I arranged a carriage and driver for you.” Cara smiled. “Henry is helping my husband and I intend to take good care of my friends too.”

“I can’t accept a whole carriage.” Sasha looked uncomfortable. “I really don’t need it. I can manage on one of the caravan wagons just fine.”

“I insist.” Cara smirked. “Don’t make me force you.” she chuckled. “It’s a gift for you. Please accept it.”

“I-I uh.” Sasha stuttered, unsure how to respond. “Thank you. I accept.” she smiled at the queen.

“Good. That’s settled then.” Cara said. “I’m afraid this is where we must part ways.”

“Oh, yes of course.” Sasha stood suddenly as if she were going to run away. She leaned in to hug the queen but hesitated, thinking twice before embracing royalty.

Cara giggled heartily and hugged her, “I thank you for our chats and your friendship. I hope to see you again soon.”

“Thank you for treating me with such care and kindness. Your hospitality has been a blessing.” Sasha said graciously.

“Take care now.” Cara waved as Sasha turned to leave. “And may Hashem protect you on your travels.”

The young redhead waved back and disappeared, following the guard out of the palace where her carriage awaited.

Part 2

Cara’s mood almost instantly grew more somber after Sasha left, her heart sinking again after being lifted by her cheerful spirit. The weight of what she carried threatened to crush her, barely holding on to the hope of it being lifted from her shoulders.

Jebbin’s words hit her like a punch to the gut, “No one can ever know.”

Not only would it destroy her relationship with Erik but Xerath too. The guilt and realization would devastate them both and she had to protect them from it. However, saving them the pain of knowing didn’t make her own any easier to bear. After all these years, she had hoped it would become less of a burden but that hope was dashed each day.

Always a constant in her mind.

She wanted to wish away the pain of this world. The brutality of it. The schemes and betrayal cursed this planet beyond anyone’s imagination. Humans were a plague on Isulia and she thought the world would be better off without them in it. Death and destruction destined to repeat themselves for all eternity. Pain and sorrow were inevitable, no man or woman would escape.

Hopelessness washed over her once again, tearing her down piece by piece. She wished it would end. She needed rescue but dared not hope for such a relief. Her strength waned.

“He was right.” she thought. “I’m not strong enough. I’m being torn apart.” she whispered to herself.

What Jebbin had done, neither of them could atone for their sins. The things she did for her brother. His future had been secured, “But at what cost?” She thought.

Footsteps forced her awake from her drowning thoughts. Xerath opened the door to her room, stopping in the doorway, gazing at her with his piercing brown eyes. He said nothing for several moments, looking at her huddled form on the ground and he frowned at her.

“Cara.” he whispered softly, barely audible enough for her to hear. “Let me help you.”

Xerath stepped next to her in her frail state and bent down, picking her up effortlessly in his arms. She held to him like he was her lifeline, clinging for dear life. He cradled her in his arms as he walked slowly over to her bed. Feeling safe and secure in her husband's arms, Cara began to cry again.

Overwhelming regret and guilt overcame her, and she sobbed into Xeraths’ chest, soaking his shirt. “I’m sorry.” she whimpered.

He laid her down on the bed but she clung to his neck, dragging him down with her. Cuddling up next to her, Xerath softly spoke to her. “You don’t need to be sorry, my love. We lost a son, you needed to grieve. You must stop blaming yourself.”

“I left you.” she continued to weep, sniffing and coughing. “You were always there for me but I wasn’t for you.”

“Cara.” Xerath said deeply. “You are here now. We will get through this together. Know that I love you… always.”

“But-but it’s not only that.” she cried, her heart aching.

She felt like her chest would explode from the physical pain her emotions were bringing onto her.

“It’s alright. I understand.” Xerath comforted her, tenderly kissing her cheek.

“No. No, Xerath. It’s not just Asar that I grieve.” Cara said, tears streaming down her face.

Xerath looked at her in confusion, his face stunned. “What do you mean?”

“I-I have something to tell you, Xerath. Something I’ve held onto for a very long time.”