《I Have to Text my Ex, or the World Explodes》5. What's wrong with the prose? Nothing, this is just a light novel
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His heart skipped a beat at the mere idea of getting back together with Anne. After breaking up with her, he had sworn to never be under the same sky as her. Will I have to bite back the words?
"Shit. . . Calm down; calm down. Take a deep breath, do some light exercises," He breathed in and breathed out so fast it looked like he had asthma. "This message is just an accident. . . twelve times in a row. . ."
At that moment, the rugged, jagged meteoric rock shot down again. The closer it got, the more he panicked. The meteorite loomed in front of him, radiating scorching heat to his face as it pierced through the swirling wind. He pulled out his phone, squeezing his eyes shut as he tapped.
—YES! YES!—
A buzzing sound notified him that the message has been sent. The whirring of the wind suddenly died out. He opened his eyes and his mouth went agape as the meteorite whirled around and launched itself back to the universe.
"That's. . . it?"
This can't be real. The last time he thought everything was over, a swarm of meteors flocked down like a colony of ants. So he sat on the balcony for an hour, waiting for another disaster to strike. Nothing happened.
"Why aren't I dead?"
Confused, he ran out of the house and ran over to his neighbor's house. Jeff had been deep in sleep since morning, oblivious to the commotions outside. Andrew pressed the doorbell to Jeff's house until it malfunctioned, then grabbed the shoulder of his sleepy neighbor as soon as he popped his unkempt face out.
"Why aren't we dead?" Andrew shook Jeff. "Why is everything so peaceful?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Jeff looked at him like a man looking at his smashed xxBox console along with an 'I'm leaving you' note attached to it.
"Why, Jeff, why! Why aren't meteors falling on our heads?"
"Are you high?"
Overjoyed, Andrew reached up to feel his face, then Jeff's face, squeezing his nose while shouting. "You're still alive, Jeff! I can touch you, I can feel you!"
Jeff's face blanched as he pushed Andrew aside and ran back inside. "Stay there man; I'll call the doctor right away!"
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Still in disbelief, Andrew ran home and turn on the television to watch the news. He saw a female reporter standing next to a physicist he was well-acquainted with (because he had contacted him no less than three times in the past).
The reporter spoke on her microphone. "This morning, a meteorite passed through the Earth. It dropped to an alarmingly low altitude below the atmosphere, but when it was about to hit the ground, the meteorite turned its course before disappearing without a trace. I'm standing next to the famous physicist Elbert Ainstein, in search of an answer to what most of us have been seeking. Mr. Ainstein, what is your opinion on this?" She held the microphone in front of Ainstein.
The physicist replied briskly, "We have no definite conclusion as of now. No satellite had captured the motion of the meteorite of such a large size until it was deep into Earth's atmosphere. Our measurements confirmed that the meteor in fact existed, but it vanished as mysteriously as it appeared. We at the research institute are trying to test different assumptions, but until now no hypotheses are feasible. We will try to arrive at a statement soon, but right now, we just have to say we don't know."
Andrew turned off the television, tears drenched his eyes. He could now fulfill his dream of becoming a professional lottery winner. He also got an offer from a well-established physics institute and would begin working in just a week. If he applied all the knowledge of antimatter he'd accumulated over the years, his name would surely be etched among the greats.
"Finally. . . Finally. . . I can live my life in peace."
At that moment, he received a message. He opened the phone and read it. At that moment, he wished that the Goddess would actually descend to Earth and saved his ass for once.
—Come to me in an hour, or I'll come to you cutiepie~~~—
He was free no more.
He turned off the phone, his face blank and emotionless. Slowly sitting down in front of his laptop, he logging into the Goggle search engine and typed.
"How do I bring a vanished meteor back to Earth."
"How to settle in North Korea."
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"How to lie to your girlfriend that you are married."
"How to not reborn after you commit suicide."
None of the options were appealing. He realized there was only one thing he could do. He picked up his car key and left the room.
***
The trip from Dinosaurland to Light Novelland took forty minutes via the highway, but it felt much longer for Andrew. He drove until the red-bricked house of midtown had given way to shanties, then to barren nothingness, then to skyscrapers once again as he entered the city. Sotvana was a strange country with severe inequality issues and absurd pricing of accommodations, but at least it had strict visa requirements for entrants. He'd thought he would be safe here, but Pink Anne still managed to settle in the country for some reason.
Andrew parked the car in a nearby car park and walked towards the big entrance to the City Center, a vibrant and splashy welcome sign hung on top. He stopped right before stepping to the other side of the gate. Pink Anne living here was a problem, but not the only one. Sotvana as a whole is weird, but this place is just on another level.
As soon as he tiptoed through the shadow of the gate, a raucous male voice from above reverberated. "I wouldn't do this if I were you."
Andrew frantically glanced around but saw no one. "Who said that?" he asked.
"Me." The voice still echoed, but Andrew still saw no one.
"Who the hell are you? And where did your voice come from?"
"The sky. Who do you think a voice coming from the sky belongs to?"
There was only one explanation. "Are you a god too? Like in the same gang with that Goddess woman? Damn it. What's the gods' business with a nobody like me?"
"Actually, it's pronounced 'Jod'. Like 'jif'."
"Okay then, Jod. Let us jo to the jrand castle over there."
The city looked like a typical city, except that it had a castle at the far end. Andrew walked toward the castle. The castle looked like a castle, but bigger.
"Wait. What's wrong with the prose?" Exclaimed Andrew. This was the weirdness he experienced every time he visited this city.
"Nothing," Jod said. "It's just in light novel style. Stop breaking the fourth wall."
"How am I supposed to know what the castle looks like based on that description?"
"Who cares about some castle? Don't you want to advance the plot and not get bogged down in long-winded descriptions?" Jod laughed light-novelly.
Andrew nodded agreeingly at the assessment. The door to the castle was unlocked, so he pushed it open. The interior space was huge but creepy. It was conveniently vacant so the author didn't have to describe people.
The plot advanced with each step Andrew advanced. He treaded up to the second floor, then the third. From the address Pink Anne had given him, her room should be on the far side of the third-floor corridor.
The corridor had an open view of the whole city, which was as big as a town. From the third floor, the trees in the nearby park were as tall as the second floor. He stared intently at the perfectly perfect entrance gate to the city, thinking sarcastically to himself that the gate is grand on the outside but hollow on the inside, just like his ex. He looked at the happy couple in the park, walking beside each other and laughing. How can they fall in love like that when life was nothing but pain? Life was agony and existence was a curse.
When the couples started holding hands and kissing each other on the cheeks happily, Andrew concluded that youth was indeed wasted on the young.
After mulling over unneccessary thoughts, he jitterly walked over to the door on the other side. He knew that once he opened that door, there would be no turning back. But he had to do it. The fate of the world rested on his hand, and the world wanted him to get back with his ex.
As Andrew touched the door handle, a male voice resounded behind him. "Never thought I'd see you again, Andrew G."
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phoebe | jjk
in which he remembers.
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