“Why do you not die?”

“It must be nice, to have just my existence questioning your concept of reality. I, on the other hand, have to wonder; why does everyone else die?

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, I don’t like doing that.” The musical fog receded from my mind as I became aware of my circumstances once more. “Erin, you okay? I kinda got lost in the melody…. What just happened? Is the pool safe?! Please tell me the pool is okay!” This is the major downside to THE MOST CATCHY SONG IN THE WORLD, it puts me in a state similar to unconsciousness.

“The pool is fine, good thinking by the way. You however are not.” said Erin in a positively gleeful tone of voice. “I have freed myself and taken you as prisoner, Dad and Mom will be so proud of me! I bet you aren’t ready for what is to come!”

“Oh? And why is that?” You got nothing on me.

“Your first clue is that you are talking to me from the ceiling.” Oh, right.

“I am duct taped to the ceiling…. is that a camera I see over there on too? Erin…. I just did this exact thing to you, could it really be…. You have no creativity whatsoever?” I am so sorry Erin, I will be more considerate in the future.

“Sh-Shut up!”

“Let me down, I need to use the bathroom.”

“What? Um.. Wait, yes! Pee! I will post it on the internet!” Does she have no pride? I’ll sue! I have intellectual property! But I’ll let it pass this time though because her strategy is completely useless.

“Erin, look below me. Isn’t this your bed? What will happen to your bed if I pee right now? Can you handle sleeping on a bed that you forced an innocent young man to pee on?” There is no outcome from this where I don't win. Hah!

“STOP! That bed is the creme de la creme of sleep furniture! I’ll kill you!” Idiot woman.

“Okay, Erin listen to me carefully. You! Can’t! Kill! Me! Understand? So, if you don’t want your resting place violated by a certain yellow liquid; you will get me down.” Maybe really really simple logic will work on her.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”, Erin ran away screaming. Maybe really really simple logic was still asking too much. Wait, what is that sound? Could it be?

“DIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!” Erin came running back, with a chainsaw A real gas guzzling, tree destroying, flesh sundering, lumberjack’s best friend. Why do they even have a chainsaw? Well, at least this latest attack should also cut me down.

Erin swung up the chainsaw up towards my side. SNAP! The chainsaw ripped through the duct tape freeing my arm and then broke on contact with my skin. I then punched Erin in the face because the broken chain from the chainsaw was going to whip into her face. It had nothing to do with the fact she was getting annoying, I swear.

“You are so freaking annoying.” Really, none at all.

“...” Oops, might have punched her too hard, my famous nap tap strikes again!. At least she’s quiet, even if she is unconscious. I think she might be more popular if she did this more often.

“Heellloooooo sweetie! Is Joshua here yet?” A man’s voice echoed down the hall. Hahaha, quiet? What’s that? Is it edible? More importantly, it looks like little miss cuckoo’s parents are here. They must have seen the mess at the door by now. Best to take some preemptive action.

I ran down the hall past the carnage of Erin’s assault and came upon two excessively-normal looking middle aged people. Well, normal to the untrained eye. The loose clothes might make it less obvious but the way they moved and took careful note of their surroundings. These were highly trained professionals, Hunters.

“Hi! You might know who I am but I’m Joshua! Sorry for my garb but your daughter just seems to be taking my clothes off of me faster than I can put them on! Haha, just kidding, kind of, not really. Annnnnyways, is there a particular reason for you to be crying and holding on to my legs?” Not that I really mind because these things do happen from time to time. This kinda thing happens to everybody right? Right? Is it really just me?

“Master! You escaped! I never thought I would see this day. Marsha, am I dreaming or has our leader finally returned?” Okay, this is starting to deviate too far from the normal, even for me.

“Yes John! He’s really really here! We looked for you master, we really did, but the dumpsite is kept ultra secret and the ocean is just so big.” Marsha and John….. nope, don’t know them.

“I’m really sorry, but it seems I can’t remember either of you. Must be due to your own insignificance. Now stand at attention and report your name, rank, and current mission!”

Marsha and John stood up like springs and offered some of the crispest salutes I’d ever seen. “John Sterling, Grand council member of the Historians and General Secretary of Logistics for the Pact! Mission codename: Icarus rises; locate and free Supreme Master Joshua!” Double agents?

“Marsha Sterling, First Class Special Field Agent of the Grand Council of the Historians and General Secretary of Logistics for the Pact! Mission codename: Icarus rises; locate and free Supreme Master Joshua!”

“Um, okay.” To be honest, the whole military thing was a joke. So, either they are totally turning the joke around on me, or I have through some incredibly annoying twist of fate been sent by a social worker to live with double agents sent to find my location. Hmmm, unlikely. Jake the Fake?

“Master! Permission to resume weeping at your feet in abject adulation?” Wellllll, why not?

“Okay, get it out of your system.”

“Yes Master!” John, don’t say that with glowing eyes that should only occur in pregnant women. It’s seriously disgusting.

“Master, now that you have returned, the Historians can finally give the Pact what's been coming for them and place you at your rightful position; the eternal king of the world!” But ruling is soooo boring, and I know for a fact that ruling brings such stress as to shorten one's lifespan. I’ll just pull the old “the time’s not right” trick, works every time.

“I’m sorry Marsha, but the time for my ascension cannot come until all of the signs have been given.” Long ago I created a list of ridiculous requirements for my acolytes to prevent them from just forcing me into a position to rule. I honestly don’t want to be some kind of king of the world, I’d rather just do what I want all the time.

“But Master! All the signs have been given.” My list of requirements is so ridiculous that it will SAY WHAT???

“What? Are you telling me that the dead have walked, the sky has rained fire, and that 70% of the world's leaders are members of the Historians? You can’t have done that last one in only ten years right?” Not to mention all the other absolutely ridiculous crap I came up with in eight minutes? Don’t tell me that those careless eight minutes caused the world years of suffering? Just what has happened while I was asleep? Could that zombie movie I saw a commercial for actually be a real documentary? I thought it was just a novel film concept…..

“Yes Master. We, your servants, have dedicated our lives to fulfilling Master’s prophecies. and now have over 80% of the world's leaders pledged under your banner.” You look away for only one decade and your servants conquer 80% of the known world! Honestly! Time to improvise.

“I must see that the world has been truly prepared by going through it unknown; so that I may personally experience society's readiness for my eternal sovereignty.” Okay, that should buy me a lifetime or so. “Now, take me to my quarters so that I may rest. Also, don’t tell anyone I’m here. I have chosen you to be my caretakers. Oh, one more thing, your daughter is unconscious in her room. Do. Not. Ask. Kindly explain to her that I am not a monster…. or at least not a bad one. And before you ask, no, I don’t want your lives as an apology. That is all.” Sycophants respond best to a firm hand. Such a tiring day though, I feel like I could sleep for ten DON’T FINISH THAT THOUGHT!!!