Start with blade class, I ordered, reasoning that it would be the easiest category to get my non-caporal head around.

“You got it.” replied the elf, with a warm smile. Yup, there was no denying it. I definitely had an elf fetish. “Your blade class choices are as follows. Option one. A sexy human swordsman…”

She emphasized the word sexy. What did she think she was trying to sell me, a new sports car?

“This is a redemption class avatar,” she continued, excitedly. “Its greatest advantage is its natural proficiency in sword-based combat…”

Well, no surprises there, I thought to myself.

“The avatar’s greatest weakness is its total reliance on physical attributes, requiring all non-physical skills to be upgraded manually. As the weakest of the sword class options, this form comes with no additional reputation penalty.”

Seems straightforward enough…

“Option two,” she continued, barely stopping to take a breath, “is a big buff human barbarian. This is a standard class avatar. His greatest advantage comes from his enhanced physical power, increased endurance and naturally sexy bod. The avatar’s greatest weakness, however, comes from its inability to wield magical attacks without the aid of specially empowered items. Be warned, despite their hunky appearance, barbarians have a lower social standing than swordsmen. Choosing this avatar comes with a penalty of an additional five reputation points.”

Okay, the undercurrent of flirting is really starting to confuse me now… and what’s all this about a rep penalty?

“Option three,” she continued, “is a bad-boy human rogue. This cheeky chappie is an underworld class avatar. His greatest advantage comes from his instant access to the thievery and sneak attack skills. However, the rogue is physically the weakest of all blade specialists, and is ill-equipped for melee combat. Be warned, rogues are generally frowned upon by other players, and the suspicion they generate comes at the cost of ten reputation points.”

Mai took another moment to jiggle, because why not, and then continued.

“Your fourth and final option from the blade class is the damned knight. This undesirable individual is a fallen class avatar…”

She stopped to boo and hiss, giving a frantic thumbs down to the player description. After stopping to blow an oddly comical raspberry at the display, she continued.

“The damned knight’s greatest strength lies in its physical offense, as its sword strikes are magically reinforced. This bestows the player with the ability to wield a might that is the envy of all other warrior classes. The damned knight’s greatest weakness is his aversion to holy weaponry. Be warned, to choose this avatar is to choose damnation, and this path comes with a twenty redemption point penalty, the highest penalty available.”

Okay, so I think I’m getting this. There’s going to be a tactical element involved in choosing the avatar I enter the game with. In simple terms, I’m choosing the difficulty setting, but like everything else in life, it’s not quite that straightforward. The more shortcuts I take to power, the lower my in-game reputation will be when I start. The strongest option, the so-called ‘damned knight’ admittedly sounded very tempting. I’d have an obvious strength advantage over the other players with an avatar like that. But how common was holy weaponry, exactly? And if his path to ‘redemption’ was a hell of a lot steeper, would that twenty point rep penalty see me trapped here a lot longer than I’d like? I needed more information, dammit.

“Are you ready to choose?” asked the elf with a giggle, followed by a jiggle. For an AI performing such an important, (after?) life-changing role, she didn’t seem to be taking my future very seriously.

“I need more information before I make my decision” I declared. I wanted to ask for specifics about the damned knight, but I still had eight other potential avatars to get through. Best to move on, I reckoned, and see how much time I had for questions at the end. Strategy in place, I asked the elf-shaped piece of software to give me a similar rundown of the arcane class avatars.

“Certainly,” the elf replied, adding a mock curtsy that left me staring down her digitally enhanced cleavage. Feeling like a piece of sleazy spyware, I hurriedly shifted my focus to the panels of text.

“The next category is the arcane class, and your available choices are as follows. Option one is the wizard’s apprentice. This silver fox is a redemption class avatar. His greatest strength comes from his access to a wide variety of non-combat spells, such as healing, illusion and disguise. This in turn presents the trainee wizard’s greatest weakness; his magical skills, being more complex and varied than those of the other arcane classes, are by far the most difficult to level up. Refusing to succumb to the same shortcuts taken by other magic users, the wizard’s apprentice comes with no additional rep penalties. Option two is the gun mage…”

The what? And stop bouncing, I’m trying to concentrate, dammit…

“This bad boy is a standard class avatar. Its greatest advantage, besides the obvious gunslinger sex-appeal, is his easy access to projectile magical attacks, which can be summoned by channeling his mana through specially crafted arcane weaponry. His greatest weakness, however, is that he is only capable of casting projectile attack spells. The gun mage’s range of magical knowledge is extremely limited, and his heavy reliance on shortcuts means that he does not command the respect that is often afforded to wizards or their apprentices. Choosing such a path will cost the player five additional reputation points.”

A gun-toting spell-caster? Now that sounded badass. And the rep penalty didn’t seem too high, either. Perhaps it was worth it, if it helped me to access power more easily. That said, I didn’t know the first thing about the path to ‘redemption’ that lay ahead of me. All that I could tell from these options, was that I was going to have to fight for it. And that left me wondering: could I afford to saddle myself with a penalty at all?

“Option three is the warlock.” Continued Mai, gesturing toward the drab text description like an over-excited magician’s assistant. “The warlock is an underworld class avatar. This naughty boy sold himself to the darker forces in exchange for greater access to arcane power. His avatar’s greatest advantage is its instant access to powerful spells normally gained only through study and practice. But this shortcut to power is also the warlock’s greatest weakness. Warlocks have great difficulty learning non-attack spells, as they do not possess the magical acumen of the wizard, relying chiefly on the boons provided by their dark masters. This path lacks the respect afforded to wizards who toil to learn their craft, and many players are wary of those who deal with the darker arts. All this results in a penalty of ten reputation points. Phew. That was a mouthful.”

It was an admittedly interesting selection. I willed the elf to speak again, curious to find out what overpowered shortcut from the fallen class she was going to offer me this time.

“The final magical class form is the necromancer,” she continued. “This smelly individual is a fallen class avatar. Upon spawning, the necromancer is vastly superior in arcane strength to all other magical classes. His greatest advantage comes from his ability to raise corpses into his service. However, the necromancer is physically the weakest of all the magical classes, often relying on his minions to fight his battles for him. Shunned by all other magic users, this avatar comes with a penalty of twenty redemption points.”

More and more patterns were forming. Race classes, rep classes. They’re trying to quickly put us all into boxes, and then judge us accordingly. Atone Online was more like the real world than I’d ever imagined it would be…

The final category only bolstered that theory, being by far the most unusual category. Whereas the first two groupings were fairly rigid in their membership (humans proficient with blades, and humans who were capable of wielding magic), this selection was a hodgepodge of skills and races. The elf began her summaries, and I focused my thoughts, reasoning that this selection would probably require the most scrutiny of all.

“The final category is the inhuman class.” announced Mai. “You may choose from four additional races. Your first option is the dwarf. Dwarves are naturally stronger than humans, slightly more resilient to physical harm, and have limited night vision. Their greatest weakness, however, is their inability to retrieve items from tall shelves.”

What?

“She laughed to herself. “Only joking. It is true, though.”

“Can you at least try to treat this like the most important decision of my new life?” I demanded, somewhat tetchily.

“Sure thing, boss. Sheesh, I was only trying to lighten the mood, y’know? Anyone would think you’re on death row. Ahem. So, yeah, anyway. Dwarves are better suited to brawling than to technical fighting, and with the exception of axes, have a poor proficiency with weapons. This is a redemption class avatar, and is the weakest of the inhuman options, which means it comes with no penalty. Your next option is the half-orc. Often referred to by the derogatory term ‘h’orc’ within the world of Atone Online, this individual is a standard class avatar. His greatest advantage is his physical strength and endurance, which surpass even that of the barbarian. Half-orc’s also have the highest resistance to magical attack of all the races and classes available. But be warned, this magical immunity also lies at the heart of the species most glaring weakness. Half-orc’s have absolutely no capacity to wield magic, not even with the aid of empowered weaponry or items. A second-class citizen in a world run by humans, choosing this race will cost you five additional reputation points.”

Physical strength was something I understood. I hadn’t been too shabby in that department IRL, and I knew how to use my fists. But I didn’t like the sound of the ‘second class citizen’ part. I’d had enough of that too, IRL.

I looked at the clock. Half my time was gone already, but with only two more options to go, I reasoned that I should have plenty of time to make my choice.

“The third option is the beastling race.” continued the elf. “These ferocious furballs are considered to be an underworld class race, and come with the immediate advantage of not requiring a weapon, due to their powerful claws and savage ferocity. Their greatest disadvantage is their lapdog like status. Bred into servitude, the beastling’s leadership skill is capped at zero. With a reputation for surrendering to its animalistic instincts, this form comes at the cost of ten reputation points.”

It was good to get this chance to study the other races in advance like this. I was going to be sharing my virtual prison with hundreds, perhaps thousands of other ‘players’ wearing these races, and I was glad to see in advance what my fellow degenerates could be wearing to the ball. But for all my interest, I noticed that Mai was oddly unexcited by this particular category. Hmm, so I guess the non-human types don’t really do it for her like the ‘sexy’ swordsmen and the buff barbarians, then. Not that I was planning to base my decision on who the horny pretend elf wanted to pretend sleep with… I was much more mature than that. Hey, I totally am, I swear.

“Your fourth and final option is the demon race,” she continued, cutting off my train of thought. “This is a fallen class avatar. Demons possess the speed and claws of a beastling, but with the added advantage of being able to breed their own troops.”

Ewwww. Okay, now that just sounds gross. I was open to becoming a father someday, but giving birth to demon spawn was a whole different matter…

“Demons are also allocated one random ability upon their initial spawning. The creature’s greatest weakness is an unusual one; their ability to inflict damage is greatly influenced by the reputation of the player they’re attacking. Damned from birth, this avatar comes with a twenty redemption point penalty.”

Ruling out the demon on grossness alone, I quickly decided that I didn’t need the temptation of anything that was going to extend my stay in a world populated by such creatures. I didn’t need the extra baggage of a standard, underworld, fallen class avatar, no matter how much they might boost my avatar’s strength, in the short term. Redemption class it was, then.

“Mai, rule out any avatar that will penalize my rep stats.” I commanded, removing the temptation before I had a chance to change my disembodied mind.

The elf simpered, gave me a chirpy ‘no problem’, and casually wiped nine options from the board with a flick of her slender wrist.

The three remaining choices were the swordsman, the wizards apprentice, and the dwarf. As the three weakest avatars on offer, they were going to make things a hell of a lot more difficult for me in the short term, that much was obvious when I weighed them up against my fellow ‘players’. But my old life had been difficult, too. And I was well used to clawing my way out of the gutter. So what if this particular gutter was a digital dumping ground for a pack of degenerates, thieves and murderers. I’d get stronger, and I’d learn how to survive here. Just like I did IRL.

“You can now view each avatars properties in detail” chirped Mai, as she excitedly skipped around in front of my view like an elf-kangaroo hybrid. “Here’s a sneak peak of what you might eventually look like. Choose well.”

The virtual display quickly began to build three previews of what my new form might look like. It started with spinning wireframe models, before adding layers of texture mapped skin, a pixelated representation of my face, and finally, the garbs of office that went with each role. It was me, times three, spinning like vacant lobotomized mannequins on invisible turntables, as the elf excitedly skipped around them, occasionally stopping to pinch one of my three potential asses.

I tried not to feel objectified by her behavior. IRL, it was attention that I would have actively encouraged. And besides, none of them were technically my body yet, even if they were all wearing my face. Oh well, the clock was still ticking. There was no time for thoughts about where the inappropriate elf was groping… I had a decision to make. Without further pause, I conducted my own examination. But unlike the elf, I kept my gaze strictly above waistline.

The first avatar was dressed in a ridiculous-looking hooded robe, so I immediately assumed that had to be the wizard option. The second wore a sleeveless jumpsuit and leather boots. By process of elimination, I decided that he must be the swordsman, because the third and final body was most definitely the dwarf. It was a squashed down version of me, with a greatly exaggerated nose, heavy brow, and a beard that hid pretty much the entirety of ‘my’ lower face. Yikes. I did not make a pretty dwarf.

Oh well, the three avatars before me were my only options remaining. It was time for me to make my final decision.