We exited the stone hallway onto the side of a lush, verdant green hillside overlooking what appeared to be the sea, and in the distance a picturesque looking village.

“Oh my goodness,” said Mandy, “it’s spectacular!”

“It’s amazing,” said Kerry, “I never knew Croydon could be so beautiful.”

“You do know we’re not in Croydon anymore, right?” I asked her.

She just shook her head and smiled.

Directly leading out from the cave was a path which wound its way down the hillside to the bottom of the valley below, where it appeared to join a road which led all the way to the edge of the sea and then, hugging the coastline, made its way around to the distant village.

“Okay, let’s head down there, and make our way over to that village,” I said, pointing in the distance. “It shouldn’t take us more than an hour or two to get there.”

“Can we swim in the sea?” asked Mandy, her eyes alight.

“I didn’t bring my bikini,” said Kerry, with a sad sigh.

“That’s okay, we’ll go skinny-dipping,” said Mandy with a mischievous grin. “That will be much more fun anyway, won’t it?” she said nudging me.

“Oh, yes,” I answered, and, having a good understanding of what these girls were like now, I thoughtfully added, “and of course, it’s much more natural to just have your skin against the water without any annoying, unnatural fabric ruining such a primal and spiritual experience.”

Both girls made sounds of understanding and agreement, clearly impressed with my innate wisdom. Who said I only had 5 wis?

“The only problem is, I really am getting hungry now,” said Mandy,“I don’t know if I even could swim.”

“Look,” said Kerry, pointing about three quarters of the way down the hillside, just above the road, “there’s a farmhouse down there. Maybe they’ll give us something to eat.”

“Good idea,” I said knowledgeably, nodding my head, “usually a place like that will just give you something to eat. Or, we can just loot the place if no one’s home.”

“Loot the place?” questioned Mandy.

“Won’t they be upset ?” said Kerry.

“No, no, no,” I said as I began to explain, “it doesn’t really matter, you see, no matter how much food we take, it will just regen again later,” I said.

The two girls looked at me dubiously.

“‘Regen’… ‘respawn’… you say a lot of strange things, Jamie,” said Mandy, clearly thinking back to what must have been a rather unclear explanation earlier.

“Look,” I told them, “all you need to know is that in this case, it’s fine. I understand what you mean. If we were to do this in Croydon — you know, wandering in to someone’s house or business, and taking all their stuff, that would be considered – and rightfully so — stealing. But it doesn’t matter here, it’s just a game, their food will come back magically.”

“Hmm…” began Kerry, “if it’s going to come back magically, I guess that’s alright. This definitely isn’t a game, but you do seem to have some understanding of how the world works here.“

“Yes, I suppose so,” said Mandy.

“Anyway, don’t worry. I’ve got some gold. We’ll try to buy food from the farmhouse if we can. Is that all right with you two?”

The two of them nodded happily, and we set off down the hill, along the beautiful footpath. I didn’t mention that if we did pay for the food I’d probably whack the farmer after to get the gold back and whatever other sweet loot they’d drop. I could really do with a sword upgrade though, I thought.

We wound our way down the path, kicking up little puffs of dust from the track when we stumbled on the loose stones that abounded. It seemed that this path didn’t get all that much use. That did seem a little strange, since you’d think people would surely be wanting to go to the Hall of Portals all the time. But maybe they had a better route, or perhaps they didn’t know about it, like I had apparently not known about the portal in the basement of Churchill House.

We made quicker progress than I thought we would. Both girls seemed to be quite at ease hiking in the strange valley after what was really quite an eventful day. Nothing seemed to faze them.

“Almost there,” said Mandy, pointing towards the farmhouse. We were now almost directly above it, just a little higher up on the hillside than the dwelling. There were just two more switchbacks on the path down before we would reach it. We could now see the building more clearly,its most distinguishing feature being a long, spindly chimney poking out the top of its roof, and a swirling trail of smoke winding out the top of it, up, up, up until eventually it seemed to merge into the fluffy cottonwool clouds above.

The overall effect of the cottage’s ramshackle country appearance was a delightful feeling of homeliness. Even though we’d never been here before, it felt like if you knocked on the door a beaming grandmother would hustle you in and begin force-feeding you tea and crumpets and honey and jam and bread with fresh butter followed by a just-baked cake and strawberries with lashings of cream.

“Come on!” said Mandy, “I’ve got a really good feeling about this,” she finished with a grin.

“Me too,” said Kerry, “I think we gonna find someone really wonderful in there.”

After another five minutes of walking, during which I make sure to carefully guide the girls around the tight corners, offering my hand for support and gentle touches to guide them around stumbling blocks, we finally made it to the farmhouse. At this point, we were just above the more substantial looking road that went on to curve around the coast. This path led from the road, to the farmhouse cottage, and then up and up to where we’d come from, out of the cave that led to the Hall of Portals.

The door was slightly ajar when we arrived, just a few inches cracked open, as if to say ‘Welcome All Travelers’.

Kerry rapped softly on the door.

“There’s nobody what wants seeing here,” said a gruff male voice from within. And when I say gruff, I don’t mean a kind-hearted-but-gruff grandfather, I mean the kind of gruff you get from a convict who’s spent most of his life in prison for bashing someone’s head in after they looked at him funny.

So much for a friendly grandmother. I fingered the hilt of my wooden sword, ready to whip it out at a moment’s notice.

“We’re hungry,” said Mandy through the crack in the door, “I don’t suppose you could sell us some food, could you? Just some lunch?”

“There’s nobody what wants seeing here,” said the gruff voice again, with exactly the same intonation as before. I began to get a hunch. This guy was clearly hiding something. Was this a mini-quest?

“Hey!” I yelled, “we want some lunch. Are you going to give it to us?” I shouted loudly “Or are we going to have to take it?”

My firm words had an effect. There was a sound of furniture moving, squeaking as it scraped across the floor, almost sounding like a squeal of complaint, before heavy footsteps made their way toward us.

We were stood three abreast, me in the middle, Kerry to my right, and Mandy on my left. Both girls pushed themselves close against me in nervousness as the clunking footsteps drew close. I guess their predictions of a friendly meeting were not something they were any longer confident in.

With a start we all jumped back as the door swung open rapidly, but any view we may have had within was instantly blocked by the large figure of a man in front of us.

>Elrick Level 5 (HP 180/180)

I checked my own stats again.

>stats

Name: Jamie

Level: 3

HP: 125/125

MP: 0/0

SP: 12/12

Strength: 7

Attack: 7

Defense: 7

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 7

Charm: 7

Stealth: 7

Exp: 90 / 200 You need 110 more exp for Level 4!

Gold: 21

He was a big stocky figure, and if he wasn’t in a farmhouse you would have taken him to be a blacksmith. He had the thick forearms and heavy apron of that trade, though his disposition was even less friendly than that of a standard NPC farmer or blacksmith.

“There’s nobody what wants seeing here,”said the man, repeating himself for the third time — or, more likely, the three thousandth or more.

“Do you have any bread ? Some cheese? A light lunch? We can pay,” I said, withdrawing a few golden coins from my pocket and waving them in front of him. People love it when you flash money in front of them.

“Something smells good,” said Kerry, flirtatiously winking at the man as she spoke. I did not wince as a pang of jealousy definitely didn’t hit me.

He cocked his head at her, but didn’t say anything.

“Is that some kind of stew I can smell?” asked Kerry.

“And bread?” said Mandy, hopefully.

I inhaled deeply myself, and sure enough, they were right. I really could smell some stew, bread, and other delicious aromas wafting out, as well as the heavy scent of smoke from a roaring fire. Usually game designers just focus on the visuals, and forget about all the other senses — which is understandable considering that, as far as I knew, apart from rumble packs the other senses were not normally something game designers even could code for. This game was something special.

If it wasn’t my imagination, there may even have been a hint of strawberry in the air — was he making a big batch of strawberry jam? That would be lovely slathered on top of some bread with some fresh butter as well. My mouth began to salivate.

“There’s nothing for you to see here. Go away,” he said, utilizing a fresh line of dialogue.

“I think he’s hiding something,” I said to the two girls.

“Do you think so?” asked Kerry.

“I agree,” said Mandy. “I really think he is hiding something.” She turned to speak directly to the NPC’s face. What is it? What are you hiding in there, Mister ?” she said and gave him a playful nudge on the shoulder.

“There’s nothing for you to see here. Go away or suffer the consequences,” he said, neatly adding four extra words to his line.

“Consequences? What consequences ?” I asked him sternly.

“I’m just going to have a quick look,” Kerry whispered toward me, loud enough that both Mandy and I could hear. The gruff farmer gave no reaction.

Kerry suddenly burst forward, slipping underneath the man’s arm which he had rested against the doorframe, and disappearing inside.

“Hey! Come back here! You’ll be sorry!“

The man turned around and started to follow Kerry, shambling after her with heavy, angry footsteps.

“Come on,” said Mandy grabbing my arm, “let’s stay together.”

“Oh my God!” cried Kerry from within.

Mandy and I hurried behind to see what Kerry had discovered.

“You’re a very bad man!” shouted Kerry from within. We couldn’t quite see her yet as we hurried forward due to the bulk of the farmer shuffling ahead of us.

“This is a private matter. Leave us alone,” said the man.

Just behind him we could see what the matter was, and why Kerry was so indignant. The inside of the cottage was made up of one large room, part of it divided into a kind of living area, and the whole back wall being dedicated toward a kitchen section which was dominated by an incredibly deep and wide cooking hearth. In the hearth was a roaring fire which was rapidly heading toward becoming a bed of glowing embers, red and white hot and ready to cook. On each end of the cooking fire were two thick and heavy metal supports which were topped in U-shaped holders, ready for a substantial spitroast.

Just next to the fire, tied to a long metal spit which leaned against the wall, was lunch.

And lunch did not look happy.

Lunch, it seemed, was the source of Kerry’s indignation.

>Smiley Level 3 [HP 125/125]

>Quest Unlocked: Save Smiley!

It was, what appeared to be, a girl. Being a classic English gentleman I was too concerned about her plight to notice her soft, light-almond skin, the flatness of her stomach, the gentle curves of the hills on her chest or the delightful plump firmness of her buttocks.

She was dressed very lightly, though perhaps that was due to the farmer’s dinner preparations. All she was wearing on her body were two insubstantial pieces of black leather, one of which had been fashioned into a tiny pair of shorts, and the other covering her breasts with a long rectangular piece of the leather which was somehow tied at the back. The clothing didn’t so much cover her modesty, as hawk it out.

Her head, however, was a different matter. Her face was, of course, lovely — she had fiery pale-green eyes, a cute little nose, just a light dusting of freckles, and an endearing piece of cloth shoved in her mouth and another wrapped around it and tied behind her head to keep it in place in a way that shouted out help, help, I’m a sexy helpless maiden that needs rescuing, brave warrior Jamie! Come save me and I’ll reward you with all the pleasures of the flesh you can imagine! And gold and wine and unique relics! I may have been reading just a little too much into the gag, though.

“Wow,” said Mandy appreciatively.

“I know!” I agreed.

“I thought you couldn’t see auras,” she said suspiciously.

“Errr. I wasn’t talking about her aura, I was talking about her… y’know.”

Mandy cocked her head and looked at the girl again as if for the first time.

“She is rather scrumptious, isn’t she?” she said.

The lunch-girl made some moaning noises of complaint from underneath her gag.

“Don’t worry! We’ll save you!” I announced loudly to her.

“And I love her hat,” said Mandy.

Atop the girl’s jet black hair, which appeared to hang to around shoulder-length, was a faded cone-shaped hat, round at the brim, which extended to a point. The hat was a kind of greyish-pink, and the peak of it hung down sadly on her bare shoulder, the point just about touching her leather ‘top’ (if there was enough of it to justify so grand a term as ‘top’).

The girl muttered another moan of complaint under her gag.

I turned to face the farmer. He was stood with his hands-on his hips and a stern look on his face.

“Were you really going to cook her ?” I asked incredulously.

“You really are a monster,” said Mandy.

“You’re a very naughty man!”said Kerry, stamping her foot. “We’re going to save you,” she said to the lunch, who made an appreciative nod and moan.

“Wait!” said the farmer. “Let me explain!”

“Ha. Go on then,” I said.

Mandy and Kerry frowned at me. They apparently didn’t want to hear what the farmer had to say.

“Let’s just see what he says,” I told them. “We might learn something.”

“That,” said the farmer waving his forearm in the direction of Smiley, “is no girl.”

Kerry frowned, Mandy smirked, and I raised my eyebrows to see where this is going.

“It is a redcap. And redcaps are bad luck,” said the farmer firmly.

“So, you’re going to eat her?”

“It’s not a her,” said the farmer again. “I have to sacrifice the redcap for a good harvest. I’ll put her on the spit and slowly cook her. The smoke from my chimney will reach the Heavens and I’ll receive the blessings of the god Nimda. You can join me if you like?”

>Quest Unlocked: Sacrifice Smiley!

“What’s the reward for sacrificing her?” I asked.

Kerry shot me a look that would have frozen the balls off a lesser man, and possibly even me, but I was distracted by Mandy smacking me across the face.

“Hey!” I complained, “I’m just trying to figure out all the options here.”

“If we sacrifice the redcap we’ll have a wonderful harvest!” said the farmer.

“Meh,” I told him.

“I do not understand,” he replied.

“Not really interested in farming and harvesting right now. We’re on a quest, you see,” I explained.

“Then leave me alone. You are not welcome here.”

“How about you, leave her alone,” said Mandy indignantly.

“Tell you what. If that girl is happy to be sacrificed, we’ll let you go ahead. Does that sound fair?”

The two not-tied-up girls flashed their eyes at me angrily. The farmer made no response, he just kept his hands on his hips and glared angrily.

“Hey! Smiley!” I yelled.

The tied up girl looked at me sternly.

“This farmer wants to burn you alive. You cool with that?”

The girl furiously shook her head.

“Of course she doesn’t want to be burned!” said Mandy.

“Just checking,” I said, “you never know. She might have been some kind of Phoenix,” I said with a shrug.

“A phoenix? Like from mythology?” said Kerry, “They’re not real!”

I clasped my head in my hands. Real. Not real. Admittedly I myself wasn’t entirely sure about what was real or not, but I was damn sure that this all a game and Smiley could be a dragon or a phoenix or an earthworm-shifter for all we knew.

“Sorry,” I said, turning to the farmer again, “we’re not going to let you burn, cook, or sacrifice her.”

The farmer frowned.

“This is your last chance. I can make a deal. Just give me one eye, one hand and one breast for my sacrifice and I’ll let you all go!” said the farmer indignantly. “It’s my final offer.”

Smiley shook her head frantically in a way that seemed to say WTF hell no you crazy fucking farmer. Mandy and Kerry also shook their heads in emphatic fuck no’s.

“Yeah. We’re not going to do that,” I began.

“You leave me no choice!”

>Combat Engaged

The farmer grabbed a cleaver off the kitchen table and swung it at me.

I jumped back to avoid the blow, but I wasn’t agile enough and the farmer buried the blade in my left arm, before yanking it out again with a horrible slopping sound as blood flew everywhere.

>Elrick cleaves you for 22 damage!

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” I complained.

I yanked my wooden sword out of my belt with my uninjured hand and waved it in the direction of Kerry, who, understanding immediately, waved her hands over it and set it alight with magic fire.

“My arm…” I said in a manly, tough-guy way. I most definitely did not sound like a whining crybaby. Really!

Kerry held two hands in front of her and directed a healing beam toward me which I sucked up gratefully. She then turned her attention to Smiler, and began working with some more magic flames to release her, as she had done when Mandy was caught in the Giant Spider’s web.

>You hit Elrick for 3 damage!

>Elrick burns for 5 damage!

Argh! My sword was barely grazing Elrick, and he was healing more rapidly than the damage I was dishing out.

The bastard swung at me again, and this time I managed to jump out the way.

>Elrick swings at you and misses!

>You hit Elrick for 5 damage!

>Elrick burns for 4 damage!

>Elrick cleaves you for 13 damage!

This time the bastard got me in my leg after going for a low swing. I limped a step backwards.

“Little help?” I said to Mandy.

She was staring at her hands, in which were a glowing ball of fire which was growing by the second.

>You hit Elrick for 5 damage!

>Elrick cleaves you for 25 damage!

“Bollocks! Mandy! Chuck that fireball!”

“How??” she said again as the fireball grew.

“Kerry!” I shouted to get her attention.

Using her magic flames Kerry had released Smiler from her bindings and was now undoing her gag using her fingers. When she heard my yell she looked up at me and a shocked Oh! burst out from her lips. She stood and pointed her hands at me, focussing hard as she sent another stream of healing energy toward me. Smiler stretched out and then used her own fingers to start undoing her gag.

>You hit Elrick for 3 damage!

>Elrick burns for 5 damage!

Argh! My sword was barely grazing Elrick, and his health was regenerating more rapidly than the damage I was dishing out.

>Elrick Level 5 [HP 172/180]

>You swing at Elrick and miss.

>Elrick cleaves you for 32 damage!

Damnit. If it wasn’t for Kerry’s healing I’d be dead already. And hadn’t Turnip said it was for realsies now?

“I think we’re going to have to run!” I shouted.

“Maybe if I just throw this...” said Mandy, who was now holding a really quite massive fireball in her hands.

“Do it! Do it!” I yelled in frustration. She hadn’t even tried to throw it? What had she been doing, Just playing with it? These players suck.

>Smiler has joined your party!

Stepping backward, dripping blood everywhere from a multitude of wounds, I watched in delighted astonishment as Mandy with surprising grace threw a beachball-sized ball of fire at Elrick the farmer.

>Mandy casts fireball!

It shot across the room directly into Elrick’s chest, and then seemed to burst and flow all over him, covering him in fire.

>Mandy burned Elrick for 125 damage!

>Elrick is on fire!

>Elrick burns for 15 damage!

“Whoah! Awesome!” I yelled. “Take this you corn-farming bastard!”

>You hit Elrick for 3 damage

>Elrick burns for 5 damage!

>Smiler attacked Elrick!

I sucked up more of Kerry’s life-saving healing andtook in a deep breath. Smiler moved to attack the farmer and, miracle of miracles, drew his focus.

>Elrick swings at Smiler but misses!

Well that wasn’t fair! He hit me every time. She must be better at dodging, I figured, she must have a ton of points in agility.

>Smiler used flurry!

As I watched, Smiler snatched a knife off the kitchen counter and jumped toward the farmer, flying toward him like he was a magnet and she was a super-sexy, leather-bikini-clad iron filing holding a knife.

>Smiler stabbed Elrick for 5 damage!

>Smiler stabbed Elrick for 7 damage!

> Smiler stabbed Elrick for 2 damage!

>Smiler stabbed Elrick for 9 damage!

>Smiler stabbed Elrick for 4 damage!

Her hand was like lightning, seeming to flicker in and out of existence as again and again she buried her knife into the flesh of the farmer.

Thanks to Kerry’s rapid healing, I was feeling a bit better.

>You hit Elrick for 5 damage!

>Elrick burns for 7 damage!

>Elrick is on fire! Elrick burns for 9 damage!

>Smiler used CAPOFF!

The farmer fell to the floor, on the verge of death, while Smiler jumped on top of him, kneeling across his waist and leaning down toward his head.

“I wish that was me,” I said to myself so quietly that no one could hear.

Mandy smacked me on the arm.

Ok,ay someone could hear.

Smiler reached up and pulled off her hat and held it up to Elrick’s neck, while with her other hand she drew the knife across Elrick’s neck. Blood sprayed out of the neck like a fountain, all of it magically flying toward Smiler’s hat which rapidly began to change color from pinkish-white to a dark, crimson red, the color of wet blood.

>You have killed Elrick!

>You got 110 experience!

>You found 12 gold!

>LEVEL UP

>QUEST COMPLETED: Save Smiler

>You gained 200 experience

> You found 21 gold!

>QUEST FAILED: Sacrifice Smiler

All of a sudden the blood-spray thankfully ceased and the corpse exploded into dozens of red shards that spread up and away before disappearing.

“Whew!” I said, “that was a tough one!”

The girls murmured their agreement. I turned to Smiler, the newest member of our party. The girl sat crosslegged on the floor next to where the corpse had been, clutching her Red Hat up to her mouth which was now cherry red.

“Umm, what was that ?” I asked her. “That thing at the end…”

“Oh… I was.. umm… hungry?” she said as if her answer was a question.

“Your hat is almost as amazing as your aura!” said Kerry.

“Your hat has an aura,” said Mandy, “and its lovely!”

There certainly was something weird about the hat. It had seemed to suck all the life — and color — out of Elrick’s blood just before he disappeared. Where before it had hung limply down on her shoulder, it now stood up straight and proud atop her head and almost seemed to glow with crimson vibrancy.

“It’s my red cap,” said Smiler, “I have a red cap because I’m a redcap,” she said in explanation.

“I see!” said Kerry with a happy clap.

“How wonderful,” exclaimed Mandy, “what’s your name?”

“Her name’s Smiler,” I said, “look, it says it right above her head…”

They all looked at me like I was mad.

“Well, he’s right about my name. I guess he’s psychic?” asked Smiler.

The other two girls nodded.

“He’s very in touch with his spiritual side,” explained Mandy, “he can really read people well.”

“Oh that must be useful, since he can’t fight,” said Smiler.

“Hey!” I interrupted, “I’m a great warrior!

Smiler giggled and after a brief flash of confusion across their faces the other two girls joined in. Soon all three of them were laughing at my apparent lack of combat prowess.

“Alright, let’s get something to eat,” I said, raising my eyebrows and nodding my head toward Smile to indicate that she was included.

“No!” she screamed and waved the knife in front of her threateningly.

“Not you, silly,” said Kerry, stroking Smiler’s arm.

“I meant eat something together,” I told her, “you’re with us now.”

“Look! There’s bread here, and a big pot of stew,” said Mandy.

“That stew isn’t… redcap, is it?” I asked Smiler.

Her eyebrows shot up adorably.

“No, it is not redcap stew,” she said, “it’s cow stew. I saw him make it myself.”

“Cow stew? You mean beef stew? Like a casserole or perhaps a boeuf bourguignon?”

“I don’t know dude I’m not a Masterchef. There was a cow. He chopped it up. Now there’s a stew.”

I shrugged.

“Well then, let’s eat!” I declared.

Turnip > Dead yet?

BDJ > Not quite asshole. Figured out how to get us back yet?

Turnip > No. You ‘vegot to do it. I tried to access Realmland but the admin is being a dick.

BDJ > So leveling up and fighting the Giant Spider to get to the H of P is it, then?

Turnip > Think so. But hurry up. The clock is ticking.

BDJ > Clock? What clock?

Turnip > Umm. N/m. Don’t worry about it.

BDJ > Now I’m worried.

Turnip > Just hurry up. AFK

BDJ > Come back!

BDJ > Hey!

BDJ > Dick!

“Does he always do that with his hands?” asked Smiler.

“It’s how he communicates with his spirit guide,” said Kerry.

“Wow. I wish I had a spirit guide,” said Smiler.

I laughed.

“No, you don’t. No you really don’t,” I said twice and with an added chuckle to appear twice as cool. “Now let’s eat and get going. Time is of the essence! Apparently.”

>stats

Name: Jamie

Level: 4

HP: 150/150

MP: 0/0

SP: 12/12

Strength: 7

Attack: 7

Defense: 7

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 7

Charm: 7

Stealth: 7

Exp: 200 / 350 You need 150 more exp for Level 5!

Gold: 54