Turnip > Where are you?

BDJ > Near Hall of Portals.

Turnip > WTF is Hall of Portals?

BDJ> ???

Turnip> This isn’t good. Something’s definitely gone wrong. That portal in the basement was supposed to take you straight to the Quest destination. You’re not supposed to be down where you are.

BDJ > Meh. We used the portal key instead.

Turnip> There shouldn’t have been a portal key. You were supposed to walk through the nice, normal, portal that was behind the shelves!

BDJ> Well. Whatever. We’re here now. “Kingdom of Realmland” if that means anything to you.

Turnip > Uh. Realmland? Crap. Someone infiltrated the Real Real Earth. I had you sandboxed, but now...

BDJ > Sndbx? Lame.

Turnip > No. The Sandbox was good. Trust me.

BDJ > ?

“I don’t think it’s following us!” said Mandy.

I glanced over my shoulder. The Giant Spider was gone. Or at least, if it was behind us it was too far away to see in the dim light of the stone-clad corridor we were still in.

Turnip > Before, you were in a sandbox. You couldn’t die, and there weren’t any ‘real’ monsters, just the NPCs for the quests and stuff. If you got in a fight before it would have ended when you got to 1HP and they’d have left you alone. But someone has gone and linked your Earth to everything else. This is very bad.

I shook my head in confusion. I still didn’t really get where the hell I was or what role Barry aka Turnip had in everything, apart from annoying me with his stupid green text.

BDJ > What? So? Does it matter?

Turnip > Your character — you — you’re... well... you must have been merged.

BDJ > Got 2 chix here I wanna merge with. If you know what I mean.

Turnip > LOL. Well you might as well because you’re probably going to be DEAD soon.

BDJ >

Turnip > For real. In this Realmland place you’re not even registered as a Player Character anymore. Before you STUPIDLY left Earth you were a PC, and you were playing, well, you. You were backed up to off-site locations and perfectly safe. But now the data and the character has been moved over somehow. You’re not in MY game anymore, and you’re not getting backed up anymore either.

BDJ > I have no idea how that affects me.

I felt something hit my hip and turned to see the two girls had their hands out again and were wiggling their fingers and shaking their asses in the typing dance.

Turnip > If you die now, the best I’ll be able to do is just respawn you in your flat. With no memory of any of this. Oh, and no skills or abilities. No chance to level up or advance or do anything. The Jamie as PC experiment will be over. You’ll just be... like... a kind of automaton. You’ll go back and forth to work and the shops and do lame crap for the next forty years until you die. Unless you kill yourself with a truck again first.

BDJ > Ummm that kind of sounds like how my old life was.

Turnip > Well, were you happy?

BDJ > I’m English. Of course I wasn’t happy.

Turnip > LOL

BDJ > But seriously, you’re describing my old life exactly how it was. Was I... like... an NPC before?

Turnip > Well yeah, since you died the first time, pretty much. Most people are. They don’t live, they just exist. YOU managed to escape all that. But this is serious shit now. You’re NOT an NPC but you will be if you die, and that’ll be that. Bye, bye LDJ. Brain switch-off coming up.

BDJ > Umm, it’s BDJ. And what do you mean ‘died the first time’?

Turnip> Oops.

BDJ> What’s this ‘Oops’? What are you talking about?

Turnip > You’re not supposed to know about the other deaths and reboots. Umm. Forget I said anything. Umm shit. I’ve got to figure this out.

BDJ > ???

Turnip > Just... make sure you don’t die. And don’t let your companions die either!

BDJ > The NPCs? Mandy and Kerry?

Turnip > Wait, you think they’re NPCs?

BDJ > Oops. That would explain why they don’t understand anything. Guess they weren’t gamers.

Turnip > Anyway dude, if you want to live you’re going to have to get back to Earth so I can access your data again. And don’t take too long doing it! I’m on a deadline. You said you saw a Hall of Portals? See if you can find one back here. Look for a sign saying “Real Real Earth”. If the Earth has been connected you should be able to find a portal back.

Jamie> Umm. No can do. Didn’t actually make it to the Hall. Giant Spider in the way. It’ll kill us.

Turnip> Crap. Then either level yourselves the fuck up and defeat it, or… I dunno. Think of something.

Jamie > Umm ok. Thanks for the inspiring words. Wanta load me up with some cool weapons and bump my stats or something?

Turnip> Dude. You’re not on the Real Real Earth anymore. I can’t do shit. I can’t even see what you’re up to. The only link I have to you is this stupid text.

Jamie> Oh freakin’ great.

Turnip> Gotta go. I’ll see if I can get access to this Realmland place… AFK

Jamie> Later.

As the words floating in the air faded away I returned my focus to Earth, or, Realmland rather, and was greeted by a rather more pleasant sight. While I’d been working away, trying to save our asses, Kerry and Mandy had been getting better acquainted. Much better acquainted. In fact, they were making out rather enthusiastically in front of me.

“Nice!” I said, charmer that I am.

They broke off, both rosy cheeked and breathless.

“We were just...” said Kerry, her words fading away as she clearly did not know how to end the sentence she’d started.

“...seeing if we could, like, overheal me” finished Mandy. “You know, make me like… extra-energetic?”

I grinned the grin of a very happy man.

“And did you?” I asked.

They shook their heads glumly.

“No,” said Mandy.

“But it was fun though!” said Kerry with a wicked grin.

“Well,” I told them, “let’s all try later.”

Of course they wouldn’t be able to ‘overheal’ themselves. Game magic didn’t work like that. But damnit, I was willing to try anyway.

“Yay!” said Kerry, jumping in the air and clapping her hands.

“Oh, that sounds fun,” said Mandy. “Now what?”

I shrugged.

“According to Barry, we’re not supposed to be here. We need to get back to the Real Real Earth ASAP. But, we can’t go to the Hall of Portals because that spider is in the way…” I said, letting my words trail off.

“Barry?” asked Kerry, wrinkling her nose in confusion.

“Ummm he’s my… umm, he gives me advice. I think.” I said. If they weren’t going to understand they were in a game, they definitely wouldn’t understand Barry/Turnip’s role in it. It would be tough for me to explain, especially since I didn’t really understand myself.

“Is he your spirit guide?” asked Mandy seriously.

“Ha. Spirit Guide. Yeah, if you like.”

“So we have to go on an adventure to find the way back?” asked Kerry, “To get back to Earth?”

“I love adventures,” said Mandy, rubbing her hands together in anticipation.

“Me too,” declared Kerry with a little jump.

“Well,” I said, “make that me three.”

It wasn’t so much that I relished the thought of an ‘adventure’ — especially one that could apparently result in me actually dying for real — but there were two hot chicks who seemed to be pretty in to me, and each other. That’s got to be worth a gamble, right?

“Then let’s go!” said the two girls in unison.

As far as we could see, the dimly lit corridor continued. Having no choice in the matter — unless we wished to engage in suicide via Giant Spider — we kept going to see where it went.

I held one girl’s hand with each of mine, and happily our threesome made our way forward. Barry had just told me that these two girls were also PCs — just like me — though they didn’t seem to get that they were in a game. I decided to try and get to the bottom of it.

“Did anything strange happen to either of you this morning?” I asked.

“I had a fight with some spiders!”

“I got wrapped up in spider silk.”

They were adorable, but they didn’t always get me, you get me?

“What about before that. Before you met me?”

“Oh!” said Mandy, loudly.

“What?” I asked.

“I had the strangest dream this morning. I dreamt that I woke up and did all my usual morning routines — you know, eating my kale shake, yoga routine, my love-your-inner-goddess fingering—”

“Loving your inner goddess?” exclaimed Kerry with apparent recognition and delight.

Just what I was thinking!

“Oh yes. It’s very healthy, for women. I read about it in a magazine, I do it every morning!”

“Me too!” yelled Kerry and gave a little jump.

“Perhaps we could help each other with that tomorrow morning,” I said.

“Good idea!” said Mandy.

“That must be more fun than doing it alone. I’ll do you Mandy, and you can do me!” said Kerry.

“Yay!”

“And then you can both help me,”I announced boldly.

Mandy shook her head. “No, no, no.”

“Nope,” said Kerry.

“You read the same thing?” said Mandy to Kerry, talking across me now.

“Oh, yes. It’s not good for men to pleasure themselves too much.”

“Right!”

I frowned. This sucked. Still, maybe I could watch them. That would be some consolation.

“The article said women don’t do it enough, and men do it too much.”

“Yep!” agreed Kerry.

I most certainly did not do it too much. After all, can’t have too much of a good thing, right?

“And then what happened?”I asked, to get Mandy back on track.

“Well, as I was saying, it was exactly like I was awake — every last thing — but then, when I went outside—“

“In your dream,” clarified Kerry,

“Yes, in my dream, I went outside, I was walking down George Street and then… SPLAT.”

“Oh my god. Did a beer truck back into you?” I asked, squeezing her hand.

“What?” said Kerry.

“Eh?” said Mandy, “A beer truck? Why would you say that?”

I shrugged. “Just a guess.”

“No, a piano fell on my head.”

“A piano?” I exclaimed.

“Yes. A piano. And, I think I died in my dream.”

“Oh my God!” said Kerry, cutting in front of me and wrapping her arms around Mandy. “That’s just awful.”

I squeezed Mandy’s arm.

“Well, you look pretty good for a dead girl,” I comforted her. “And what about you, Kerry?”

“Well, I’ve been having this recurring dream lately, it’s the darnedest thing.”

“Wow that sounds interesting,” said Mandy.

“Well, every day I wake up in bed with Schizo—“

“—Wait, he’s your... boyfriend?” I asked.

“No, we just like to save money by sharing a bed,” she said, and then after a pause she punched me on the arm. “Yes of course he’s my boyfriend, doofus.”

Well so-rry,” I said, waving my hands defensively.

“Yeah. Well. He was. I think he’s gone off me now though,” she said.

“Because of that whole asking me to kill you thing?” I asked.

Kerry nodded sadly.

“I should have known it was coming though, because of my dream.”

“I love hearing about dreams!” said Mandy, twirling with excitement as she said it.

I don’t.

I hate hearing about other peoples dreams with a vengeance. Hate it, hate it, hate it. At least Mandy’s had been short.

It doesn’t have to be other people’s dreams either. It can be dream sequences in movies, in books, in video games, in tv shows... I don’t care where or who or what or how or why I really, really hate hearing about other people’s dreams.

“What happened in your dream?” I asked, tenderly squeezing her arm.

What? She’s a hot chick. Leave me be!

My main problem with dreams is that they are not real, and thus have no freakin’ point to them. Ooh a character dreamed of night and that represents their inner sorrow. Fuck that shit. If you want to show me their inner sorrow have them sit on the bed and cry and then jump out the window.

Dreams are stupid.

“The last few days, every morning, I’ve been dreaming that Schizo has been strangling me to death.”

“Had you been telling him about your dreams?” I suggested. Although I’ve never strangled anyone to death, I reckon if they kept telling me their dreams every damn day I might be tempted.

Mandy and Kerry looked at me with a look somewhere between confusion and disdain.

“No, no, this was the dream, silly,” said Kerry.

“I think it must represent something,” said Mandy, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

“Maybe it represents the ‘death’ of your relationship,” I said.

The two girls both went ooh as if my insight was revelatory, when clearly it was obvious.

“It’s very strange. It actually feels really real, like, I can actually feel my windpipe being crushed, being unable to breathe. I can hear him saying ‘Come on, give it to me, give me that life insurance policy payout’.”

“Huh. How weird,” I said.

“And then what happens?” asked Mandy, “Do you fly away? Do you escape?”

Kerry shook her head sadly. “No, the oddest thing happens. Green words appear in the air above my vision, and it says

>You have shrugged off this mortal coil.

“Weird, huh?”

Oh.

Oh shit.

“Umm, Kerry,” I said, “I don’t think you were dreaming.”

The two girls both gave me inquisitive looks.

“I think he actually killed you. But you respawned back in bed with him. He probably thought he was going crazy when you kept coming back.“

“Respawn? Like frog spawn?” said Kerry with her head tilted so far I was worried she might fall over.

“Ooh! I get it! It’s like a metaphor, the circle of life. We’re all jelly-like frogspawn and then we become tadpoles and then frogs and then we die!” exclaimed Mandy in one breathless spout of bollocks.

“Wait, what?” I said, blinking my eyes in confusion.

“I don’t get it,” said Kerry.

“No... nor do I,” said Mandy sadly.

“No. Listen up. You, me, Mandy, even Schizo... we’re in a game. Somehow. I don’t really understand what’s happened to us but we’re in some kind of fake Earth, and we’re all in it together.”

“Nah,” said Mandy.

“No way,” said Kerry.

I muttered under my breath.

“Ummm do you really not get it? I know it sounds unbelievable, but you do recall doing magic just now, right? With the healing and the fire on my sword and all of that?”

“I told you, I took Reiki classes,” said Kerry defensively.

“I’ve always been very in touch with my spiritual side,” said Mandy.

“But, but... there’s no such thing as magic!”

Mandy held out two hands in front me and a cool but flickering ball of blue-red fire appeared, then jumped in the air above our heads improving the lighting situation immeasurably.

“Is too,” said Mandy with a pout.

“But, but... you never did that before, right? When you were a kid you weren’t throwing around fire balls were you? Kerry, you weren’t healing sick puppies with magic hands as a kindergartner, right?”

Both girls shrugged.

“I never tried before,” said Mandy, “I bet I could have if I wanted.”

“I only just started my healing course,” argued Kerry, “so of course I couldn’t do it before.”

“Arrrgh!” I screamed in frustration and then pretended to bang my head on the stone wall, but I missed. When I say I missed, I mean that I missed missing, and instead of pretending to hit my head ,I actually did. Hard.

>You hit wall for -15 damage.

I fell over, clutching my forehead. So tough and manly, right?

Before I could get up Kerry was above me, holding two stupid magic hands either side of my head and making me feel amazing. My HP began to soar up again, and then she pecked me on the lips with an electric little kiss.

Fully recovered, I vowed to injure myself more often.

“You were probably just too close-minded before, Jamie,” said Mandy, crouching down next to me and caressing my cheek with the back of her hand.

“Well, what about when we were fighting the spiders. Didn’t you see the text flying by? All the ’You hit baby spider for 5 damage!’ or ‘Combat engaged’ and what have you? When you look at me, don’t you see ‘Jamie’ floating above my head?”

Kerry giggled. Mandy stroked my cheek some more.

“That wall really did a number on you!”

“No! It didn’t! It didn’t! I’m telling you...” I said, my voice trailing off when I realized I was all out of arguments. It seemed the two girls had also not been ‘setup’ properly and weren’t seeing any of the game information.

“Well. Anyway. Aren’t you shocked by,” I waved my hands around to indicate the stone hallway we were in and the spiders behind us, “all of this?”

Both girls giggled again.

“I always knew there was much more to the world than we see day to day,” said Mandy.

“Totally!” agreed Kerry enthusiastically, “I think most people just don’t open their eyes, they’re too narrow minded.”

Mandy nodded in agreement.

“But, but...” I logically and soundly argued.

“Come on, up you get,” said Mandy grabbing my upper arm and lifting me up. “Let’s carry on.”

“It sure is an adventure, isn’t it?” said Kerry.

“It literally is,” I said.

“And I’m literally going to starve to death if we don’t eat soon. I haven’t had anything since my LMGMSS this morning,” said Kerry.

“Your what?” I asked.

Mandy squealed. “A Lean Mean Green Machine Super-Shake! I had one of those too!”

“Well ,we won’t find anywhere to eat here, will we,” I said condescendingly.

I stood up, and made to lead us onward down the passageway.

“Look!” said Kerry, after… oooh… about five more seconds of walking. “Daylight!”

The dark passageway began to grow a little lighter. In the distance there was a soft, white glow coming our way that reminded me of sunlight. This was fortunate, because if it hadn’t reminded me of sunlight there would have been something seriously wrong with my brain. Which there probably was anyway.

Up ahead the mysterious passageway appeared to open out into sunshine. We kept going, walking close together as we approached what appeared to be an exit of some kind.

“Where do you think we’re going to end up?” asked Mandy.

“I hope it’s the sea,” said Kerry excitedly.

“It’s not going to be the sea,” I said confidently, “we’re in a passageway in a mountain or mine or dungeon or something. I’m sure we’re miles and miles from the sea.”

“Come on, come on,” said Mandy, tugging at both mine and Kerry’s arms.

“Alright, alright,” I said and we all hurried up.

I was wary of meeting more spiders — giant or baby, or perhaps some other creature that would want to kill us. Or Schizo. You never know, right? But Mandy’s enthusiasm must have warded off any creatures that wanted to do us harm.

“Look! Look outside!” said Mandy, excitedly.

I looked and became annoyed.

The sight before me was exactly what I didn’t want to see.

Not because it was bad, or dangerous. But because it made me look somewhat like a fool.

You can probably guess what we saw.

Yep.

That’s right.

The bloody sea.

Outside we were presented with a stunning vista. We exited out onto a fragrant smelling wild flower-carpeted hillside which led down to a massive body of water that had all the hallmarks of being the ocean. In the distance, a small village could be seen which was no doubt packed with inns even more delightful than The Collywobbler and a range of other rustic dining options.

“See! I knew we’d find somewhere to eat!” squealed Kerry in excitement.

“It’s the ocean! The ocean! Oh, how wonderful!” cried Mandy.

“I can feel my spirits and body reviving already!” said Kerry.

“The ocean is very spiritual, isn’t it?” said Mandy, hands on hips and staring in awe.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s great,” I said begrudgingly. I wanted to add that Brighton was much more picturesque, but I really couldn’t do that in good faith. The view really was stunning and the ocean had a sparkle to it that Brighton and its rock just couldn’t match.

Well, at least I’d get to see some hot chicks in the sea, I consoled myself, as we stepped out into the light.

>stats

Name: Jamie

Level: 3

HP: 125/125

MP: 0/0

SP: 12/12

Strength: 7

Attack: 7

Defense: 7

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 7

Charm: 7

Stealth: 7

Exp: 90 / 200 You need 110 more exp for Level 4!

Gold: 21

>quests

Current Quests:

Real Real Life:

• 1) Meet Schizo and collect package.(COMPLETE)

• 2) Deliver package to ocean (Kill Kerry). (IN PROGRESS)

• 3) Do not allow companion Kerry to die. (IN PROGRESS)

The Kingdom of Realmland:

???