《Real Real Life》Chapter 07: I hate F'n Spiders!
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>stats
Name: Jamie
Level: 3
HP: 125/125
MP: 0/0
SP: 12/12
Strength: 7
Attack: 7
Defense: 7
Intelligence: 7
Wisdom: 7
Charm: 7
Stealth: 7
Exp: 20 / 200 You need 200 more exp for Level 4!
Gold: 10
We stepped through the shimmering, smoky portal door, Turnip’s stupid green text writing going right along with us.
>You Have Entered the Kingdom of Realmland!
It felt the same as walking through a visible laser beam — your eyes tell you that you should feel something, but in actuality, you don’t. The only way I could tell that we were through was because, well, we were in a completely different place.
We entered as one into a long hallway. The floor was flagstones and the walls too were made of carved slabs of rock.
Turnip>WTF are you?
BDJ> We went through the portal like we were supposed to. In some realm or something.
Turnip> fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
BDJ > What’s wrong?
Turnip > Nothing. AFK.
Hmm. Well. That didn’t bode well, did it?
I decided to treat the possible problem the same way I treated most problems or potential problems in life: by ignoring it. Turnip was probably just being a dramatic little douche anyway.
Directly in front of me was a sign, which read “Portals” and it had an arrow pointing to the right.
“Which way should we go?” asked Kerry, blinking her eyes at me adorably.
I pointed using my wooden sword which I had removed from my waistband before stepping through the portal.
“That way!” I said, trying to make my voice boom Like a big bastard Level 100 kind of guy.
I figured we would get to a whole room full of portals and we’d be able to choose where we wanted to go. New York this way! Tokyo over there! Paris this way if you please!Churchill Tower down through that hole! Mars (do not enter without space suit!). That is what I fully expected. Needless to say, I was, as usual, disappointed.
The girls followed me as I set off like two obedient puppy dogs, apparently recognizing me for the strong leader that I was. I strode forward, head held high, acting as if I knew exactly where I was going and I could dispatch anything that hindered us along our way with my trusty wooden sword, even though this was, of course, my first time in the mighty Hall of Portals as I decided I was going to call it ,until told otherwise.
“Uhoh...” said Kerry.
“Look out!” cried Mandy.
“Ohmygodwhatisthat!” I burst out, waving my sword in front of my face in a natural defense mechanism.
Just in front of us a red shimmering had appeared in the air out of seemingly nowhere.
As we watched, first a shadow became visible, which became more and more solid as the shimmering increased in its rapidity, faster and faster and faster until...
“Argh!
The shimmering was gone and we all jumped backward.
In front of us was something I’d never seen on the streets of Croydon:
>A Giant Spider (Level 10 HP 410/410)
“Oh Christ on a pancake what is that?” said Mandy.
“I don’t like spiders,” said Kerry, her voice so quiet it could barely be heard above the rattly growls of the spider and the relentless drip... drip... drip... drip... of the venom dripping from the forearm-sized fangs jutting out of its mouth.
“Get it!” said Mandy, giving me a nudge.
“It’s Level 10!” I cried.
She looked at me in bewilderment.
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“What does that mean?” she asked me with a pleading look in her eyes.
“It means we leg it. NOW!”
I grabbed the two girls arms, span them around, and then, just as nobly as I had before, I led them down the hallway in the opposite direction, this time at a dead-sprint.
“Wait for me!” yelled one of them.
“And me!” yelled the other.
It was hard to tell which was which because I was a long way in the lead by this point. The thing about running away from Level 10 Giant rabid Spiders, is that you don’t actually have to be faster than the spider. You just have to be faster than your slowest companion — at least, that was what I was thinking in my panic.
Not that I wanted one of them to get eaten. But, you know, better the hot NPC takes one for the team than me getting whacked again.
“Hellllp!” came a yell.
“Shit!” I said, angrily.
I was pretty fond of these NPCs actually.
I stopped. Reluctantly.
“I’m really going to do this, aren’t I,” I said to myself. “Damn right you are,” I answered. “You’re an idiot,” I answered back to myself again.
“I’m coming!” I yelled and span around.
My feet almost slipped on the slippery flagstones as I came to a sliding halt and span around to rescue my companions. Behind me I could see Kerry stood legs apart, panicked look on her face, glancing forward and back as if deciding which way she should be sprinting. I understood her dilemma, it was a tough one.
“Stay behind me!” I said to her as I brushed past.
I saw the problem immediately. Mandy had been targeted by the Giant Spider with a distance attack. She was on the floor, her torso from her shoulders down to her knees wrapped in spiderweb.
“Help! Help!” she yelled at me.
Looking beyond her I could see the Giant Spider. Still Level 10. Still at full HP. Miraculously Mandy must have fallen just outside of its its range of attack, because it just stood there, bouncing up and down on six of it’s horrible, hairy, muscly spiders legs. The other two were held in front of it, and I was horrified to see that these two ‘legs’ had a pair of hands at the end of each, with eight, long, spindly fingers of its own. The hand on my left was clutching a shield while that on the right was clutching a long, silver sword.
“Shhh,” I said to Mandy.
I tried to keep one eye on her and one eye on the spider, but, not having independently controllable eyeballs on external stalks I found out this was impossible — something I’d never had to worry about in my previous almost three decades on Earth.
I poked at the thick layer of spider-silk wrapped around Mandy with my sword. It clung and gripped the wood, and refused to separate. If Mandy hadn’t been hot I would have abandoned her immediately. But luckily for her...
“Maybe I can help!” said Kerry.
“Yeah?” I asked.
She held out her hands in front of her like she had earlier when she healed Mandy’s wound.
“What can you do?” I asked her.
“I’m not sure... I feel like this silk might burn though...”
“Hey!” yelled Mandy. “Don’t set fire to me!”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be magic fire, and I’ll use my hands-on-healing to help protect you.”
Hmmm. I hoped this worked.
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“Hurry up, I told her,” as I stared down at her small but prettily-glowing hands.
“Watch out!” yelled Mandy.
I looked back toward where the Giant Spider.
Oh no!
There was no longer one spider. There were now eight.
One giant spider and seven little babies, all of which seemed intent in exploring in our direction.
>Look baby spider
> Baby Spider! Level 2 (HP 25/25)
They were a level below me and their hitpoint game was real weak. I’d only need one or two good whacks to take down each one.
“Can you do anything to my sword?” I asked Kerry, hopefully. After all, if she could heal, she could probably do other nifty tricks too.
She looked at it, and hummed a deep resonant tone from somewhere far inside her lovely chest, and waved her hands over the wooden blade. It became surrounded in a green, burning glow.
>Wooden Sword has been enchanted by Green Magic Fire by Companion Kerry (+5 damage)
“Sweet!” I said.
Just in time.
A curious baby spider approached us, hissing excitedly.
I squeezed my wooden sword tightly, two white-knuckled hands around the leather grip. This sword had been pretty rubbish for cutting before; being made of wood and all; but with the magic fire glowing and flickering all over it...
>Combat Engaged!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and misses.
>You hit Baby Spider for 20 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider is dead.
> You got 10 experience.
> You found 1 gold.
The baby burst in jewel-like shards of light, just like the portal guardian had done earlier, leaving behind a shiny one pound coin.
I was just about to wipe my brow and tell the girls how awesome I was when...
>Combat Engaged!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
I swung at the little bastard like I wanted to hurt it. Which I didn’t. I wanted to kill it.
>You hit Baby Spider for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
I hit it but it was only a glancing blow — luckily it was enough for some of Kerry’s magic fire to do some damage to it though. They were weak little bastards, but in a way, so was I. For the time being.
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and misses.
>You hit Baby Spider for 10 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>You killed Baby Spider.
> You got 10 experience.
> You found 1 gold.
>HP
>Hp 120/125
“Ha! Take that you little bastards! I am the sword master! Feel the PAIN!” I yelled.
I glanced down and saw that Kerry was making quick work of Mandy’s binding, the wispy, silvery thread that wrapped around her disappearing under the magic fire she was weaving around it. Kerry glanced at me and quickly waved a hand in my direction.
>Kerry healed you 5HP
>You are completely healed.
“Thanks!” I shouted at her.
>Combat Engaged!
>Combat Engaged!
>Combat Engaged!
>Combat Engaged!
>Combat Engaged!
FUCK! I was still looking at the girls when these words flew up in quick succession in front of me. I looked up and five more spiders were right there, all attacking me.
“Do I look like a tank!?” I yelled and went to swing my sword.
“A water tank?” asked Kerry in bemusement.
“A fish tank?” asked Mandy.
“Fuck!” I yelled.
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>hp
>HP 100/125
“That friggin’ hurts!” I complained. Each one of the little bastards had bitten into me, mostly on my legs and arms. I used to hate spiders, and I’d never even been attacked by them back at home. Now? Now I really hated the little fuckers. Like a pissed off idiot with a wooden sword I swung at the group of fast little fuckers wildly, hoping to take them all out with one massive swipe.
>You swing at baby spider and miss.
The little bastards jumped out of the way, avoiding even the flame which danced around the edges of my blade. My swing was still finishing when they went at me again. I was so slow I only swung as fast as the baby spiders, and there were five of them!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>hp
>HP 75/125
Oh shit. This wasn’t fair. They were kicking my ass.
“Kerry!” I said.
“Sorry,” she said, I think I’m out of... whatever it was I was doing. My powers aren’t working.
Shit. No more Mana or magic points or whatever the hell they used around these parts. I hoped she’d regen fast.
Mandy, now released from the spiders’ thread stood up.
“I feel like I could maybe do something,” she said, waving her hands experimentally in front of her.
>You swing at baby spider and miss!
“Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!” I complained wittily, before becoming ever closer to being spider-dinner.
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>hp
>HP 50/125
“Help!”, I said.
>You hit baby spider for 10 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>Mandy cast Room Effect!
>You hit baby spider for for 15 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>You hit baby spider for for 15 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>You hit baby spider for for 10 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>You hit baby spider for for 15 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
“Holy shit! That is awesome!” I yelled.
As soon as Mandy had cast her spell my sword had taken on a strange, ghost-like appearance to it, and five similar swords had appeared in the air, each striking a spider in the same way as I hit the one in front of me.
With the aid of Kerry’s burning and Mandy’s room effect I was finally doing some damage.
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage!
>hp
>HP 25/125
I was bleeding and cut and bruised and hurt, but on the plus side I was full of adrenaline and I really, really wanted to kill the little bastards.
Praying the room-effect spell wasn’t just a one-shot-and-done type deal, I went in to hit the spiders again. This would be my last chance…
>You hit baby spider for 15 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>Mandy cast Room Effect!
>You hit baby spider for for 15 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>You hit baby spider for for 15 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>You hit baby spider for 15 damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>You hit baby spider for damage!
>Baby Spider burns for 5 damage!
>You killed Baby Spider.
> You got 10 experience.
> You found 1 gold.
>You killed Baby Spider.
> You got 10 experience.
> You found 2 gold.
>You killed Baby Spider.
> You got 10 experience.
> You found 2 gold.
>You killed Baby Spider.
> You got 10 experience.
> You found 1 gold.
>You killed Baby Spider.
> You got 10 experience.
> You found 3 gold.
“Sweet!” I yelled over the top of the spider corpses. Before my eyes they all turned into multi-colored shards of crystal-like light, bursting out from each body and then disappearing into the air.
All that was left was a few spider legs and 11 golden coins. Unlike the coin dropped by the Portal Guardian, these did not appear to be legal tender in the UK. I picked them up and shoved them all in my pockea
Mandy was staring at her hands.
***
“What did I do?” she asked turning her hands over and again, examining them.
“You turned my attack into a melee attack, so it hit all the spiders,” I told her.
“Was it... magic” she asked, almost whispering the word.
I shrugged nonchalantly.
“Yep. You’re a kind of mage I guess. And Kerry’s a healer and enchanter or something.”
“Wow. I always knew I was spiritual, but I didn’t realize I was so...”
“Wonderful?” finished Kerry, squeezing Mandy’s arm.
She nodded.
“Umm, how about you spiritual types give me a hand,” I suggested.
At 25/100 HP you can probably imagine what I looked like: beat-the-fuck-up. I had scratches and bruises and I felt a bit woozy from the baby spiders venom. In my weakened state I probably wouldn’t even survive a single bite from the Giant Spider that was still just out of range.
Kerry placed her hands on my chest and they began to glow.
25
26
27
28
...
“I’ve got an idea,” she announced.
When she leaned in toward me I immediately became a big fan of her idea. She placed two warm, soft lips up against mine and wrapped her arms around my back.
My HP began to increase more rapidly.
She broke off the kiss.
“I think, the closer I am to you, the faster I can heal you.”
“I need more healing!” I said, and put two of my hands behind her head. Eagerly, enthusiastically, she pressed her mouth up against mine again.
88
89
90
...
“What about me?” said Mandy.
I flicked my eyes down to her. She was at 80/100HP as it seemed the Giant Spider’s cocoon had been slowly sapping her HP away.
98
99
100
“There,” said Kerry excitedly, jumping back and clapping her hands together.
“Wow,” I said. “You’re really good at... healing.”
She giggled and put her hands up to her blushing cheeks.
“What about kissing?” she asked.
I coughed. “Umm oh, yeah, now that I think about it, that was ok.”
Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen. I got that from a movie, I think. It’s something I’d actually practiced most of my adult life, though the way I normally did it was more along the lines of Don’t let them even know you exist, keep em potentially keen one day in the future. To be brutally honest with myself, which is something I definitely try to avoid, this technique hadn’t actually landed me all that luck with the ladies in the past. But hey, I was doing okay with Kerry and Mandy, wasn’t I? When I wasn’t nearly getting them killed, that was.
“Hey...” said Mandy from the floor. She was now sitting down, apparently out of breath if her heavy breathing was anything to go by.
Mandy Level 2 [HP 75 / 110]
“Uhoh,” I said, “your health keeps dropping.”
Kerry dropped to her knees in front of her.
“Come here, hon,” she said, pulling Mandy toward her, “let’s get you better.”
There’s something about one gorgeous girl kneeling over another one, isn’t there? Especially when the one on top holds the girl below’s cheeks in her hands, and then pushes their mouths together in a deep, long, sensuous kiss.
As I watched a glow appeared around both their bodies and Mandy’s health began to improve. I think if I hadn’t been fully healed already, watching the two girls making out probably would have gone a long way toward helping.
“Maybe if you put your hand up against the skin of her body it might help,” I suggested with only the purest and most noble intentions in mind.
Kerry, good girl that she was, slipped a hand under Mandy’s shirt and slid it up her torso to squeeze at her breast.
Mandy let out a gasp.
I let out a moan.
Mandy Level 2 [HP 100 / 100]
Kerry broke off her kiss and breast squeezing.
“There, all better!” she announced, standing up.
She reached down a hand and offered it to Mandy who hopped right up on her feet again.
“Do you think touching her helped?” asked Kerry innocently.
“Oh definitely,” I said, nodding, “her HP started zooming up once you had your hand under her shirt.
“I think so, too,” said Mandy who sneaked a sly look my way, “I felt way better. Imagine if there was another pair of hands as well!”
I reached out and grabbed Mandy’s hands, squeezing them.
“I don’t know if I can heal, Mandy,” I told her, seriously, “but dammnit I will try! I don’t care if we both have to get completely naked. If that’s what it takes, I’d do it for you!”
She beamed a bright, cheerful, grateful smile.
“Wow, you’d do that for me? That’s so... romantic.”
I grinned, pretty proud of myself. I’d be a Level 100 pussybanger in no time, I figured.
“Would you do that for me too?”asked Kerry, shyly.
I released Mandy’s hands and wrapped an arm around each of the girls’ shoulders.
“Of course I would, my dear,” I told her, “even though we’ve only all just met, I think it’s our destiny to help each other.”
“Yay!” cried Kerry, jumping up and down.
“Umm, is it just me, or is that thing getting closer?” asked Mandy, pointing toward the Giant Spider.
“Bollocks!” I said.
“Can we kill it?” asked Mandy.
I shook my head.
“Nope. This time, let’s run. Together!”
I grabbed the two girls hands and we started to run away from the Giant Spider. And away from the Hall of Portals.
Where were we going? I didn’t have a clue but as long as it was away from the Giant Spider it was fine with me.
Turnip > What the hell is going on Jamie?
Did that fucker just call me Jamie? He never calls me by my name. My hands were full with the hands of pretty girls, but needing to respond I pretended I had a split keyboard and was using a finger on each hand to type, without slowing down or releasing my grip on the two girls’ hands. It worked just fine.
BDJ> ?
Well. I was a little more terse than usual. But mostly fine. I kind of wanted to insult him but couldn’t spare the fingers.
Turnip > I think it’s fucked. All of it. You, too. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Well, that didn’t bode well, did it?
>stats
Name: Jamie
Level: 3
HP: 125/125
MP: 0/0
SP: 12/12
Strength: 7
Attack: 7
Defense: 7
Intelligence: 7
Wisdom: 7
Charm: 7
Stealth: 7
Exp: 90 / 200 You need 200 more exp for Level 4!
Gold: 21 >quests
Current Quests:
Real Real Life:
• 1) Meet Schizo and collect package.(COMPLETE) • 2) Deliver package to ocean. (IN PROGRESS) • 3) Do not allow companion Kerry to die. The Kingdom of Realmland:
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