>stats

Name: Jamie

Level: 3

HP: 125/125

MP: 0/0

SP: 12/12

Strength: 7

Attack: 7

Defense: 7

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 7

Charm: 7

Stealth: 7

Exp: 0. You need 200 exp for Level 4.

Each girl took a hand and we started off back to my block of flats. I winced when I saw that both of them were using their free hand to 'dance type' into the air as we strolled hand in hand.

NPCs eh?

Once we'd got inside the gray monstrosity that was Churchill Tower, the inflammably clad tower block that Mandy and I lived in, we trooped into the stairwell and instead of going up, we went down into the dark depths below. I'd only been down there once, when I first moved in. I'd had a vague hope that there would be a community center down there for residents — perhaps a gym, a laundry room, maybe group exercise classes to give the hot young ladies a chance to parade around in yoga pants. There was none of these things.

"Before we go on. Umm, don't you two have other things you need to be doing?" I asked.

Kerry frowned. Mandy wrinkled her nose.

"Other things?" they said in unison.

"Well, you know, like jobs, and a life?"

"Well of course we could be doing other things. But today's been such an adventure..." said Mandy.

Kerry nodded in agreement. "I don't normally get death threats," she said with a giggle.

"I am supposed to teach a yoga class… but I think I’ll blow it off. Because — ocean!”

"Man, you NPCs are great. I wish girls in the real world were as fun as you."

Kerry and Mandy looked at each other wide eyed, and then looked at me.

"Wow, Jamie," said Mandy.

"You're so deep," said Kerry.

"I've never met anyone like you before. I don't even know what this NPC is. Is it good?"

I shrugged.

"Sure it's good. Better than some asshole PC trying to PvP or PK me."

Mandy stroked at my arm. "You have so much to teach us, don't you?"

I grinned. This was awesome.

Turnip > Boo. Get a room. You suck.

BDJ > Jelly?

Turnip > LOL

"You know what, I do. I do have so much to teach you. Now, are you ready for something awesome?"

Kerry jumped up in the air and clapped her hands together. Mandy leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Kerry, seeing what Mandy had done, apparently became jealous and kissed the other side of my face.

"Come on, this is going to be good," I told them.

I was wondering what a portal would actually be like, in the flesh, so to speak. I was hoping it would be a shimmering doorway, something otherworldly looking that would really blow these girls' minds — just before they blew me.

With a confident shove, I pushed open the door to the portal room and...

...the room was too dark to see anything. I briefly considered casting a spell of light, but I didn't know that one. Or any others for that matter — not yet anyway, I told myself. Instead I did the modern equivalent and reached out to the wall and flicked the switch.

"Wow!" said Kerry.

"Ooh!" said Mandy, stepping into the room and twirling around.

I did not act so impressed. Not because I'm a too-cool-for-school, ultra-nonchalant kind of dude. But because the room was exactly what you would expect a maintenance room under a tower block to look like.

There was metal machinery of some kind on one wall that did stuff that a non-blue-collar worker like me didn't deign to understand. There was dust. There were cobwebs and mops and brooms and random stacks of bricks and tiles and a whole shelf full of chemicals. There was, however, a decided lack of a blue shimmering portal. Or any other kind, for that matter.

"It's exciting, isn't it?" said Mandy.

"I'll say!" said Kerry.

BDJ > You fuckin?

Turnip > LOL

"Okay, put your hands up," said a voice.

I turned to face it as did my two companions. From behind the machinery a tall, gray-haired man in a suit had stepped out, and he was holding a gun. Above his head, instead of a name, was ??? He was, like me, Level 3.

"Are you the portal guardian?" I asked him.

He cocked his head at me.

"What?"

"Is it a test?" I asked.

"Life is a test," said Kerry knowledgeably.

"It is, isn't it?" said Mandy. "A test that we can't even study for."

The two girls sighed dramatically

"You three. Get in the corner," said ??? waving his gun dramatically.

"Why?" I asked him.

"I'm the one with the gun here, sunshine, so don't 'why' me. Get over there and get on your knees."

Mandy frowned at him.

"You have a very bad aura," she told him. "Very bad."

He swung to point the gun at her and that's when I struck.

>Combat Engaged

Lashing out with my wooden sword I smacked him on the wrist and was rewarded with a satisfying crack.

>You hit Portal Guardian for 5 damage!

Aha. So he was a Portal Guardian.

Unfortunately, my sudden movement was enough to set him off and he pulled the trigger of the gun.

BANG.

>Portal Guardian shot Mandy for 25 damage!

The words flew across my vision in bright green text.

"Ow! My wrist!" said the Portal Guardian as the pistol clattered to the floor at Kerry's feet.

"Ow! I've been shot!" said Mandy as a red stain began to spread onto her white shirt from her shoulder.

"Fuck," I cried, and lashed out again, cracking the Portal Guardian repeatedly on the head. I really didn’t want to lose Mandy, not a hot chick like her. I was going to keep her with me, damnit!

“Leave her alone! She’s too hot to die this early on!” I roared with anger.

> You have gone berserk!

> You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage!

> You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage!

> You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage! He is stunned!

> You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage!

> You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage! He is stunned!

>Portal Guardian is too stunned to attack.

>You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage!

Adrenaline surging through me, I couldn't stop myself. The man fell over but I didn't stop my assault, rapidly turning his head and face into a red mush.

>You have defeated Portal Guardian

>You gained 20 exp

>Portal Open

As I defeated him he exploded in shards of bright red light that burst up and out of him like jewels made of solidified rays of light, his body disappearing.

I was glad for this, because as fun as slaying enemies is, if he had turned into a bloody, mushy corpse I'd probably begin to feel a bit... you know... guilty? Something like that.

When I looked at where he had been I could see what he dropped.

"Sweet loot," I said.

A gun (Ammo 0/6)

Portal Key

I snatched up the gun and tucked it into my belt on the right hand side, tucking my wooden sword into the other. The 'portal key' wasn't a traditional key, but was in fact a diamond shaped piece of dark grey metal.

"Wow!" said Kerry in response to the portal guardian disappearing in his flash of jewel-like light beams.

"Are you a god?" asked Mandy.

"He just..."

"Poofed," said Kerry.

Huh. These NPCs weren't used to the battle system, apparently.

"No, I'm not an actual god," I said to Mandy. But I let me tone imply that, y'know, I kind of was a bit godlike. Chicks dig godlike dudes. "Umm are you okay?" I asked her. She was bleeding from being shot, after all.

"Let me see that," said Kerry, stepping toward Mandy.

"Ooh," she said, wincing. "Get your shirt off."

Mandy did as she was told, lifting the tight fitting t-shirt off to reveal a lovely, sports-bra clad yoga body underneath. Well, I say lovely, but there was a rather bloody hole through her which ruined the effect a bit.

"Let me try something," said Kerry, "I've been taking a Reiki hands on healing course."

"Oh, Reiki? Fantastic!" said Mandy.

Great. More hippie dippie mumbo jumbo. I didn't say it out loud though because hot chicks don't like it when you mock their beliefs. The fact I knew that meant my charm definitely should have been more than 7. Right?

I briefly considered suggesting that it might help if Mandy removed her yoga pants too, but I don't think even I, charming as I was, could have pulled that off just yet.

Kerry fixed a fierce look of concentration on her face and began to wave her hands over Mandy's bullet hole. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by what happened next, but truth told, I was.

A purple glow emanated from Kerry's hands and rainbow-ripples of light and energy flowed out of them, toward Mandy's wound. Staring at her, I watched the numbers floating above her head start to zoom up. From 75/100 they rapidly flew... 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100.

As the numbers span the wound itself disappeared from view in the multi-colored light. When it reached 100, Kerry's glowing hands faded and she let them draw back down to her side.

Mandy's wound was completely healed.

> Companion Kerry Level Up!

> Level 2

"Well, fuck me," I said.

Mandy and Kerry both looked at me. "We only just met!" they said in unison.

I laughed. Good NPCs. Very good.

Kerry reached down and planted a long, wet kiss on Mandy's bare skin where the wound had been. Then, they smiled at each other and pecked each other on the lips.

"Don't let me stop you..." I said.

They both giggled.

"Come on, take us to the ocean!" said Kerry.

“Give me a moment,” I said.

>exp Kerry

> You have 20 experience. You need 200 experience for Level 4.

>Kerry exp

>

BDJ> How can I see her stats?

Turnip > You can’t, except the HP. You’ll just get a notification when she levels up.

BDJ > But I want to micromanage her!

Turnip > Is that Little Dick Jamie’s euphemism for sex?

BDJ > FU

“I don’t supposed you can see your experience points can you…?” I asked the girls hopefully.

My expectations were met exactly as I expected them to be met. With miscomprehension and befuddlement.

“I can tell you my experience points,” began Mandy, “first, I can type at over 30 WPM—”

“Wow!” said Kerry, clapping her hands in admiration.

I just about managed to avoid rolling my eyes. 30WPM. 30WPM? Goodness…

“I know all the essential essential oils, and I can teach yoga and massage and read auras. Those are my key experience points. Do I get the job?”

I coughed.

“Umm. Not a job interview. And not what I meant. Let’s get—”

“—Hey!” interrupted Kerry, “What about me, huh?” she demanded.

“Fine. Yes. Go on then…”

“I can identify over 50 strains of marijuana by smell alone, I can make love for many hours at a time, I have experience working in over eighteen different jobs—”

“Eighteen jobs? That’s amazing!” said Mandy.

“… is it?” I said dubiously.

“And I’m allergic to radiation from microwaves and computers.”

“That’s a good thing?”

The two girls nodded their heads sternly. They would brook no argument there.

“You forgot to mention your magic healing powers,” I pointed out.

She waved her hand dismissively. “I was focusing on the important things.”

“Right. Great. Now. Let’s try this magic portal, shall we?”

Turnip >The portal is behind that old shelf.

I ignored the stupid green text from my stupid online friend and held out the diamond-shaped device I’d taken from ??? aka the Portal Guardian.

“Ooh,” said Mandy admiringly.

“Can I touch it?” asked Kerry.

Before I could answer her I’d run my finger over the little switch that I had found on the body of the device. As soon as I touched it something seemingly wonderful occurred.

In front of us a large rectangle appeared, stretching from the ground almost up to the ceiling, and about two foot wide. It took the form of a swirly, blueish-grey fog, and it was impossible to see what was on the other side of it — the only thing I felt it safe to assume was that if we walked through it we wouldn’t end up on the other side of this maintenance room.

“Wow!” screamed Kerry far too loudly.

“Ooh,” said Mandy, clutching at Kerry and I using a stiff-gripped hand for each.

“Let’s go through together,” I said, and wrapped a hand around each of their waists.

Squeezing the two girls tight up against me I began to step through the portal.

Turnip > WTF are you doing?

Turnip > Stop!