Schizo led the way and Mandy and I followed just behind into the function room attached to the main bar. I wasn't sure what kind of functions would actually be held at The Collywobbler — who would want to have a special occasion there? But nonetheless, the room existed and was functionally decorated with old wallpaper and furniture that managed to combine the aesthetics of the 1980s while simultaneously looking much older than anything from the 80s could.

There was one exception in this room. One, otherwise bright spot. Something that had more of a 1990s vibe than the 80s or earlier. Something about 5'5", most of which was legs and ass and pert breasts.

Kerry Level 1 HP 100/100

"Oh my God!" screamed Mandy.

"Oh my God!" screamed the girl labelled Kerry.

Schizo and I gave each other bemused glances.

"You two know each other I asked?"

Mandy shook her head. Kerry shook hers too.

"Her aura is wonderful!" said Mandy.

"And so is yours!" exclaimed Kerry.

The two women ran to each other and hugged and gave each other a kiss on the cheek. While I was blinking I thought I saw Mandy squeeze Kerry's ass, but that must have been my imagination.

Things like that don't happen in real life.

But maybe they did in this version...

"So, where's the package?" I asked Schizo.

"There. She's the package."

"Oh. Right. Great. Lovely bit of package, that. And the, umm, delivery address?"

Schizo tilted his head at me in confusion. He looked me up and down, grabbed me by the upper arm and hauled me away from the girls.

"What're you playing at?" he asked me.

"Ummm," I responded because I really wasn't sure what the correct answer to his question was.

"You knew about the package. So why you acting like you don't know what to do with her."

BDJ > Little help?

Turnip > Oh yeah.

"Stop doing that with your hands you numpty."

> Quest Part 1 Complete!

> You earned a wooden sword and 10 gold.

> You gained 10 exp.

> Level Up!

>stat

Level: 3

HP: 120/120

MP: 0/0

SP: 12/12

Attack: 7

Defense: 7

Intelligence: 7

Wisdom: 7

Strength: 7

Charm: 7

A wooden sword appeared tucked into my belt, and I felt my wallet grow ever so slightly thicker with the addition of a ten pound note. Okay, the last one isn't true — I'd need way higher agility before I'd be sensitive enough to feel something like that — but the other two parts were true.

BDJ >...?

My fingering was subtle enough that Schizo didn't notice to take offense.

"Well!?" said Schizo again.

Turnip > Oh yeah. Part 2 of the quest is you have to take her on a boat.

BDJ >

Turnip > And throw her off. Drown her. Kill her. Shark bait. Fish food. Swim with all the other bodies Schizo’s had chucked into the sea.

"Err, I mean. You sure you want... you know, the boat thing? What about, umm, having her get run over by a beer truck?"

He cocked his head at me again. His piggy eyes began to flash with hints of Wild Boar about to be unleashed.

"What?"

"Err. Right. Sorry. Just asking. We'll do the boat thing. No problem."

"You sure you've got the bottle for this?"

I nodded. "Loads of bottle. Wasn't scared of you, was I?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"No. But that's only because you're too dumb, isn't it?"

Turnip > LOL. He's got like 1 int. and he's wittier than you.

BDJ > No fuckin wa—

"Ow!" I yelled as Schizo grabbed my hands which had of course been typing again in front of him.

"I'm going to snap these off. All ten of 'em. One, two, three... and so on, if you do that stupid crap with your hands again."

Turnip > LOL LOL LOL

"Sorry," I said meekly.

But when I've leveled up a few times I'm going to come back and chop off all your fingers you dumb thug.

"What the fuck was that?"

"I didn't say anything!"

"Yeah, well, you best not."

Turnip > LOL. He's got psychic ability but it's pretty weak.

I muttered under my breath. This game kind of sucked.

"The fuck is that?" said Schizo, jabbing a meaty hand at my waist where my wooden sword was affixed.

"Wooden sword. +5 damage," I told him.

"You are one strange fucking dude. Guess that's why you can do what you do. Now," he said, pulling an envelope out of his pocket, "here's the key and the address of the dockyard. The boat's called the Slippery Nipple and if you so much as scratch it I'll rip out two of your ribs—"

"Just two?" I interrupted, unwisely.

"—two of your ribs and jam them into your eyes and then pull out your eyes so you're holding eyeball fucking lollipops and then I'll shove one down your throat and one up your jacksie so you can see how much of a fucking idiot you are. Alright?"

Turnip > Pretty creative for 1 int, isn’t he?

BDJ > !

"Alright," I said.

"You need a hand with her? Want me to knock her out?" he asked, waving a fist.

I looked at Kerry. She and Mandy had their hands interlocked and were staring into each others eyes, both talking at about a million miles an hour about yoga moves or astrology auras or vegan dance or something.

"Nah," I said cockily, "my woman's charming her to follow."

"You are a Grade A fucking weirdo. Now I'm going to get a pint of Carling and I want her out of here before I finish my beer."

I nodded and watched as Schizo left the room, making sure he was gone.

With a sigh I walked over to the girls, both of whom unclasped one hand from each other and interlocked it with one of mine, turning us into a little circle of three.

It’s nice, holding hands with a girl you’re supposed to kill. Wait, that came out wrong. It’s nice, holding hands with a girl. That’s better.

"I'm Kerry," said Kerry.

"I know," I told her, "it's floating above your head."

The two girls both gasped and turned to each other.

"I told you he was special," said Mandy, "but he can't see auras though."

"You can't see auras?" asked Kerry as if it was the most unbelievable thing she'd ever heard.

"Nope. No auras. Not yet, anyway. But I can see your name and your HP and your—"

"I don't have a printer," said Kerry, "I don't believe in technology," she clarified.

"Oh yay! That is awesome!" said Mandy.

"Wait, what? You don't... believe in technology?" I said.

"Yeah, you see—" said Kerry, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet like she was just bursting to explain.

"Wait," I interrupted, "we don't have time for that just now. We've got a serious situation. We've got to get out of here."

"Where shall we go?" asked Kerry.

"Well, Schizo wants me to take you on a boat an—"

"Oh wow!" interrupted Kerry, her exclamation swiftly followed by her jumping into the air and clapping her hands together. When she landed back on Planet Earth (or whatever approximation of it we were on) she finished her exclamation, "I lurrrrrve water."

“Uhhuh,” I muttered, not quite wanting to dampen her enthusiasm just yet by telling her that she was supposed to get damp… permanently.

"Oh, oh, oh, so do I," said Mandy, "water is so spiritual isn't it? My dream is to go to the ocean and see the sea..."

I shook my head again to clear it. It was one unbelievable thing after another.

"What? Your dream? You've never been to the sea?" I asked her.

"You've got to go!" exclaimed Kerry excitedly.

“Well I always wanted to, but the ocean is just so far away…” she said whistfully.

“It’s like an hour by train, if that,” I told her.

“Really?” she said, her eyes lighting up.

"And, I've got the keys to a boat..." I said.

"We're going!" said Kerry, with another excited jump and clap. "To the sea! To the boat! To the ocean!"

Time was already ticking so I didn't take the time to explain that I was supposed to kill Kerry once we got onto the boat. Schizo didn't strike me as the type to slowly sip and savor his beer, especially if it was his first one of the day which seemed likely.

"Come on," I said, pulling the girls each by a hand.

We walked out through The Collywobbler.

"Later, boys!" I yelled to Hammer, Schizo, Double Dragon and the other two as-yet nameless skinheads.

“Goodbye and godspeed, valiant warrior! Tame, claim and cyber those busty dusky maidens!” is what they may have yelled after me, but the way the wind was blowing it came out sounding like ‘Prick! Weird that.

Turnip > Kerry isn’t dusky, she’s a blonde.

BDJ > Whatevs. She’s dusky on the inside.

Turnip > Eww. Actually, she’s bloody on the inside.

BDJ > F… U …. C … K … O … F …. F

Outside I opened the envelope and pulled out the paper with the address. The boat was docked in Christchurch on the South coast.

BDJ > Can we fast travel down there?

"Ooh, I bet he's good with his fingers, isn't he?" said Kerry to Mandy.

"I don't know... yet." said Mandy, giggling. The girls clutched at each other in mirth.

Turnip > Ooh, you really going to kill her?

BDJ > Ummmmmm.

>Quests

>Current Quests:

> 1) Meet Schizo and collect package.

> 2) Deliver package to ocean.

> 3) ???

"Umm, Kerry?" I said.

"Yes, sir?" she answered brightly.

"Err, you can call me Jamie."

"Great. Are we going to the boat now?"

"Yeah. In a minute. But umm, what's the deal with you and Schizo?"

"Why? What did he say about me?"

"Ummm. You know he wants me to kill you, right?"

Kerry's cheeks went pale. She raised two hands to her cheeks and clasped them like a poor actress pretending to be shocked.

"Kuh... kuh... kill me?" she asked.

Mandy slapped me across the face.

"You're going to kill my best friend?" she demanded, stamping her foot indignantly.

"What? You only just met her!" I said. This probably wasn’t the best response.

"Were you not listening? Her aura is ah-MAZE-ing. I can't believe you're going to kill her. And to think, I was going to sleep with you!"

"Yeah! Me too. But not if you're going to kill me, asshole!" said Kerry, apparently at least mildly perturbed by her impending doom.

"Wait, wait, wait," I said holding up a hand.

"I guess he could kill you, then have sex with you," said Mandy with a frown.

"What!?" I said.

"Do you want to have sex with my dead body, Jamie? Is that it?" said Kerry, tears welling in the corners of her pretty blue eyes.

Turnip > You should dump some points into charm.

BDJ > I don't have any unassigned points!

"Stop it!" said Mandy and gave me another slap across the face. "Stop teasing us like that!" she said, waving her hands in front of her in a mockery of my air-typing.

Turnip > LOL. I'll show you later. Your companion is getting frisky. And so is the package.

"Argh! Shut up. All of you!"

The two girls both crossed their arms over their chests and gave me death glares. Folding their arms under their breasts had the effect of raising and drawing attention to them, which I completely 100% didn't notice, honest.

"Will you kill me too, if I don't shut up?" said Mandy, with a sob.

"I'm not killing either of you!"

"You're not?" asked Kerry. "Are you going to save me?"

> QUEST UNLOCKED: Do not allow Kerry to die.

>Quests

>Current Quests:

> 1) Meet Schizo and collect package. (COMPLETE)

> 2) Deliver package to ocean. (IN PROGRESS)

> 3) Do not allow companion Kerry to die.

Great. Conflicting quests. Good job Turnip, I thought. But I didn’t have time to bicker with him then. I had some real NPCs to handle.

"Yeah. Sure,” I told Kerry, “I'm going to save you. I'm your knight in shining armor and I'm going to protect you."

"With that?" asked Mandy, kicking at my wooden sword with a foot.

I muttered.

"I'll get something better soon."

"Can we still go on the boat?" asked Kerry.

"I do still want to see the ocean," said Mandy.

"Fine. Yes. We'll do that and figure out a plan."

BDJ > How do I fast travel?

Turnip > Why don't you use a portal?

BDJ > Where?

Turnip > WTF? You spent more than twenty years there and you didn't even learn where the portals are?

BDJ > WTF? There were portals?

Turnip > In your building! Go to the basement. The door that says No Entry. There’s a portal in there. It’ll take you right there.

BDJ > I never went in there before!

Turnip > Obviously. No sense of adventure.

BDJ > It had a "Danger of Death" sign!

Turnip > You already died twice today. And nearly died again. And that one was almost for real LOL

BDJ> FU

"I like your dancing," said Kerry, stroking my wrist admiringly, greatly impressed by my the touch typing I was doing on my imaginary keyboard.

"It's not dancing. I'm communicating," I explained.

Kerry gave me a deep, deep smile. Mandy nodded at me seriously.

"I didn't know you were the type, Jamie," she said, stroking my other wrist.

"Eh? Type?"

"I didn't think you would be the kind of person to understand that dance is truly human beings’ natural form of communication."

"Err, more so than speaking?" I asked.

The two girls both nodded and squeezed one of my wrists each.

Turnip > LOL. Nice party you're putting together. The three Moronteers.

BDJ > Is that supposed to be a play on the three musketeers? Because if so it's crap

Turnip > Yeah, right. You're just jealous of my wit.

Kerry whispered something to Mandy. Mandy nodded in response.

They both let go of my wrist and put their own hands in front of them like they had a keyboard each.

"Woo!" said Kerry as she began to wave her fingers.

"Check it!" said Mandy as she rubbed her ass against me while typing into the air.

Turnip > See. The three Moronteers.

BDJ > Fuck off.

"Umm girls, let's make a move. People are looking at us," I said.

It was true, and probably the only thing that had stopped me from getting my arse kicked by a random do-badder was the fact that it was two hot chicks with me.

“Let’s dance while we walk!” said Mandy.

“Oh yeah!” cried Kerry, already bouncing up and down with each step.

“Oh no…” I said to myself.

Turnip > And so, it came to pass, that the three Moronteers went off on their quest…