I woke up to the tingling sensation of limbs that have lost all circulation for several hours. My hands had been tied up and it looks like the culprit had tried to bind my arms at bicep level. My feet had also been tied at the ankles and in-between my legs was a post. It looks like whoever tied me up tried, but didn’t really know what they were doing. Just by squeezing my arms in and bringing my elbows closer together, I created enough slack in the rope that I was able to slide my hands out of the many many knots that had been tied.

With both hands now free, I started on the rope around my ankles. Before I could get any results, I was jabbed hard by something blunt right between my shoulder blades. Turning around with rigorous anger to see who my attacker was I saw that the woman was holding the pitchfork only now with the handle pointing at me instead of the forks. “Ouch what the fuck lady.” I yelled at my captor. “I’m not into your bondage play.” fury still burning in my eyes. She must have picked up on this and backed up into the open doorway behind her.

Only now did I take some time to look at my surroundings I was in a small room. It couldn’t be more then fifteen by ten feet. The ceiling was also rather short. If I had to guess it was only seven to eight feet tall with small openings in-between the wall and ceiling every couple of feet to let in the light. The only exit was now graded by a mad woman with a stabbing implement sure to bring great paint and possible death. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” the woman yell at me. I just stared back at her with a face that any red blooded American would be able to translate as “what the fuck bitch? You attack me and tie me up and now you want to talk?” Well, maybe not with all that detail but the “what the fuck” face has a language all of its own that even the experts navigate at their own peril.

Once again channeling my inner calm I said in my best you are an idiot voice. “I went to sleep last night in my bed and when I woke up this morning I was naked in the woods. Not knowing which way to go I just started walking and found my way out of the woods. Then I saw a little girl and figured there must be more people around me can talk to. As luck would have it, I ran into a crazy bitch with a pitchfork that tried to kill me. I blacked out only to wake up as a possible rape victim. And here we are.” I spread out my arms to encompass my lavish surroundings. Before she could say or do anything I pointed to my fully erect member and said “I need to pee.” reaching down to my ankles I undid the knots and slid the rope off. Like a vampire hissing and warded off at the sight of a cross, my fair lady was blushing as she stared at my general at attention and backed away as I approached her. Now out of my prison, my blushing lady gestured me to take a left. It didn’t pass my notice that the fork end was now pointing at me again.

I made my way out of the house and walked a bit away before I figured that one place is as good as another and let I let the flood gates open. I made sure to turn to my side to give her a sight of my epic arch creating skill in honor of a certain 6 year old little girl in To Kill a Mocking Bird. And no, thinking about another little girls while erect and taking a piss still does not make me a pedophile.