How our ancestors survived long enough to breed and leave offspring is beyond me. After just three minutes of walking, I was ready to give up. My feet are sore, I am still but naked and I seems to have developed the superpower to attract every insect on the planet. I am so glad my parents didn’t decide to get me cut at birth. My General at least had his uniform and helmet. After what felt like years but if calculated by the movements of the celestial bodies would have only been less than 15 minutes, I came into a clearing. Not just a clearing but a clearing with a lake in view. Rolling hills and tall prairie grass stretched for what must have been at least 2 miles. The shimmering of the lake made this a pictures moment. The moment was just so perfect I could picture Laura running through the grass just like in the intro to Little House on the Prairie. No, being butt naked balls swinging and picturing a little girl does not make me a pedophile. My circumstances just could not be helped.

I keep looking at my imaginary Laura but then I realized that there really was a little girl running through the tall grass. Before I even registered that I should at the very least cover myself, she looked over to me and our eyes met. Of course moron that I am I just keep staring at her. With the sharp instants all women are born with, yes even the little ones, she turn around a darted directly opposite me. Still standing naked in the breeze I used all my higher education level math to predict her path and sure enough she was headed for a little house I had not noticed before.

Finally my brain processed the resent events and I ducked down to cover myself. It was way too late but you just never know how you will react to something until it happens. I grabbed handfuls of the long grass and started to weave if it can even be called that a wad of grass tied together to cover the goods. I then started to make my way towards the little house. As I got closer, I realized that it wasn’t so little. The house was built into a hillside and from my original angle I could only see a small section. It was actually a decent sized house. There was several windows, all with shutters closed. As I approached the house, a short blond woman came out. She was holding a pitchfork and stood like a sentinel guarding the gates to a palace.

I stopped and gave her a weak wave. “Hello” called out. “Do you know where this is?” she didn’t answer me but instead pointed the fork end at me and said “what do you want?” I immediate brought my hands above head level in the universal sign language of “what the fuck lady, I wasn’t going to do anything” and took a step back. We all know that both Fate and Lady Luck are super bitches and so as expected my makeshift coverings fell revealing my flag now at haft staff. I couldn’t take all the credit for my reaction, the woman was gorgeous. Blond hair, emerald eyes and a body super models have to work for. Even with her oversized rough spun dress it was impossible to hide her figure. “Calm down lady” I started to back up. “I just want to know where this place is” I said trying to infuse as much lion trainer who forgot his gun and is now locked inside of a cage with a hungry and abused lioness feel into my words.

My efforts must have been wasted because she didn’t say anything, instead she did two poking motions with the pitchfork at me. Even though there was more than ten feet in-between the two of us, I was spooked and jumped back a little. Like I said, Fate, Lady Luck and now you too Mother Nature are such bitches. My foot ended up sinking into a small hole and I fell. The last thing I saw before the darkness took me was my general now at full attention.