I miss the simple things the most. Wake up, go to work, come home, waste some time binge watching one of those shows that have long ended but I never got around to following. Playing the newest RPG game for a few hours just to get annoyed with the grinding and braking out the cheat codes to make things easier. Even though I know it will just ruin the game for me I still end up doing it. Hamburger helper, Mac and Cheese, Ramen, not no cheap Maru-chan either. After I experienced the Korean instant rumens I could never go back. I’m and excellent cook but all of that just always seems to take so much time. It's not like I need to cook for someone else anyways. 30 and single, the only woman in my life is my leach of a mother. I have long since paid for those 9 months of rent but I just can’t bring myself to cut ties with her. Life was so much easier back then.

Of course by back then I meant yesterday. When I woke up this morning I was not in my bed. Instead I was lying on my back in a pile of damp leaves. All round me was what looked like a forest. My first thoughts was not “oh god I have been kidnaped”. I knew exactly where I was. Well maybe not exactly but as someone who has read more fantasy and sci-fi novels then would fit inside of your average library it wasn’t too difficult to grasp that I had been transported to another world. My biggest regret now is that I sleep in the nude and waking up to wet leaves sticking you your body is not a pleasant feeling. Quickly I stood up and brushed the leaves off of me. Some of the leaves were so old they were starting to decay already. The thought of all of the bugs I totally did not see was struck from my memory before it even had a change to take root.

My spirit was high, being transported to another world is a dream come true for me. Well, I would have preferred a Hero summoning but this works too. Getting to easy route to a princesses bed would have been preferred but hey, it's not like my chances are zero. I cleared my mind and said out loud “Status”. Nothing happened. “Must be one of those mental systems.” then I thought to myself “Status” nothing happened. I frowned. Trying out all the different variations of status both out loud and mentally I finally gave up. So. not a game world. Channeling my inner Chuunibyou, I activate my nonexistent poker face skill just in case any goddesses were watching me and I stretched out my right hand and yelled “Fireball”. Nothing happened. Mimicking the motions for the Kamehameha wave, I added in my willpower and imagery of a fireball forming in my hands and being released as I extend my hands out I again yelled out “Fireball”. Nothing happened. I stayed in that position for quite a while, 10 minutes, an hour, only the heavens knew. After I had smothered my disappointment and embarrassment I decided to start exploring my surroundings.

When lost in the woods. For some reason everyone seems to want to find north and start heading in that direction. As the local Sci-Fi and fantasy expert, I have read up about sever of these methods. Method one is of course to look up into the sky and see where the sun is. As the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It's easy to deduct the direction of north. I look up and the sun is directly overhead. Goddam that failed. Method two, look for moss at the base of the trees and you can usually tell what direct north is. I look around and all of the bases of the trees are filled with moss. This whole place looks like one of those ancient forest you only see in the movies. The most universal work in the English language comes to mind but I don’t give into my frustration and hold it in. Method three, place a stick in the ground and another one in where its shadow is cast. Wait some time for the shadow to move and mark the new location with a third stick. Then you can calculate where north is. I pick up 3 sticks and stick one into the ground. There is no shadow. The canopy is so thick that everything is practically already in shadow. “Fuck” my will power waned. Calm, calm, turn that frown upside down. “Fuck it’ I thought and just stared walking straight ahead.