Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

The high pitched assault on his ears from his alarm woke Matthius from his restless slumber. Shit… Can I just get a few more minutes?. He thought as he ran his hands through his fine brown hair. He threw his legs over the side of his bed. His feet hitting the icy tile floor of his bedroom, he shivered and stood up slowly. Every step was like walking on a frozen floor. He walked into the small adjoining bathroom shuffling toward the mirror. Placing his hands on the off-white sink, he peered into the mirror. His bloodshot eyes were sunken in from lack of sleep.

Ever since the incident, he had slept like shit. His dreams had become so vivid that they could no longer be considered nightmares. Instead they had solidly entered the realm of night terrors. He would wake up in a cold sweat screaming after seeing his mother being viciously attacked by a demonic being. Her face was exactly like the old pictures he had of her, but when he tried to remember her without the pictures, she was just a blurry figure of his past. What did it mean? Why did it all feel so real like he was reliving a buried memory? According to his estranged father, his mother had been murdered in a home robbery after startling the criminal in their master bedroom.

Lately, Matthius had questioned that narrative though. These night terrors were much too real to him; something wasn’t adding up. These terrors didn’t feel like a dream, they were more like a memory. . Being a raging alcoholic and drug addict, his doubt was definitely justified as his father had never been a reliable source of information. Since the loss of his beloved, his father had sunken into depression and grief so powerful that all his responsibilities fell to the wayside.

As his descent into darkness became more and more detrimental to the health and the well being of his son, Matthius had been sent to be raised by his father’s sister, Aunt Tami. He barely knew his father, and every time he had actually been successful in convincing his aunt to see him, it had been a futile exercise in reestablishing a relationship. Whoever his father had been prior to his mother’s murder or whatever demonic ritual plagued his mind, was long gone replaced by a shell of the man he’d been.

He was sickeningly skinny with his eyes bulging out of the sockets from malnutrition. He wore the same tattered clothes every day ( A heavy metal T-shirt with the Horseman of the Apocalypse on it covered in vomit and some ripped up blue jeans someone had given to him months maybe even years prior).On more than one occasion as he grew older and earned his own income, Matthius had tried to get his dad new clothes and help him get an apartment; however, his efforts were in vain. Drugs and booze had completely taken over his father’s life; no one could save him from his addictions anymore.

Growing up, Matthius was an easy child and never wanted for anything. Aunt Tami was young and beautiful, and even more than beauty she was a successful lawyer. She had a massive apartment in the upper-side of the great town of Fremont. She was the most gentle and understanding person that he had ever met. Holding him when he broke down from the weight of it all, she never let her job obstruct her relationship with her nephew who she considered her own son. She had never been married, which had always confused Matthius.

She was stunningly gorgeous with the most vibrant red curly hair that always made heads turn. Paired with that, she had piercing green eyes that seemed to cut right through any bullshit anyone told. She was a shorter woman, but had near flawless skin besides a spackling of freckles. Many suitors had tried to make an honest woman out of her, but they had all been greeted with the same cool dismissal. She only cared about one person in her life, Matthius.

Matthius had struggled in school and was bullied incessantly. He remembered, when he was in fourth grade, they had a discussion about this.

“Kids are assholes, Matty. Don’t let their hurtful words get you down, okay?” Aunt Tami said sympathetically.

“I just struggle. I can never seem to focus on my work, and the kids in class call me hateful things because I can’t keep up with the teacher’s lesson.” Matthius said mournfully. “I feel absolutely hopeless, like something is wrong with me.”

She looked into his golden brown eyes as they filled with tears. “ Matty, the world is cruel, but you are so much stronger than you know. You are a very bright and talented young man. They only say those awful things because they are either missing love in their lives at home or they perceive you as a threat. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

“But, Momma (he called her Momma maybe in part because he loved her like a Mom, and partly because it helped lift the weight of his missing parent.) don’t feel that way. I can’t concentrate. “ He shuffled his feet nervously looking down at the wooden floors of the dining room. “ What if, the kids are right. Maybe I am retarded.”

So swiftly, Matthius couldn’t even react, she grabbed my trembling hands in hers. “Don’t let me ever hear you say that hurtful word again, young man. You know better than that!” Her voice rose slightly then softened as she saw more tears welling in my eyes. “ Oh, Matty, I wish you knew just how special you are. Someday, you will know exactly what I’m talking about, but for now, all I ask is that you just trust me. You are going to be so much more than those naive little boys will ever know.”

Those words had stuck with Matthius, and although he didn’t understand exactly what she had meant, he felt comforted. As the years went by his grades started to improve. The once awkward little boy with the stunning golden brown eyes grew to be the most handsome and intelligent young man in Fremont High School. Young woman flocked to him especially when he became the star basketball player, but only one had stolen his heart. She was a track star with long jet black hair and the most captivating blue eyes he had ever seen. She had a septum piercing, that his Aunt disapproved of and let Matthias know about almost daily. She saw this rebellious act as a bad influence on her little Matthias. Quite frankly, Matthius didn’t give a damn though. He respected his Aunt, but she was much more than the piercing in her nose.

Her name was Samantha or Sam for short. She was an incredible athlete and an even better kisser. However, that wasn’t what he loved most about her; rather, he loved how incredibly intelligent she was. They had deep and meaningful conversations about; politics, geography, the collapsing social order that democracy was lacking since the creation of social media. She also was a huge nerd. They would spend their weekends reading comics together or watching the latest superhero flick in theaters. Things were so simple and easy with Sam. He felt a connection unlike any he had ever experienced before then with her.

When Graduation Day came, they went and celebrated with Aunt Tami and Sam’s family. All seemed so right in the world. Shortly after graduation, Matthius and Sam had decided to get an apartment together as they were going to be going to the same college, Truman University, just outside of Fremont. Having grown to adore Samantha, Aunt Tami helped them pay for the deposit on their new place.

She was always so supportive of Little Matty and all that he wanted to do. So paying for all his college courses as well as getting him a top of the line laptop for his studies, was an easy decision for her. He hadn’t taken any of this for granted and promised someday to pay her back; nevertheless, she insisted that it was not necessary. Everything was coming together, and Matthius and Sam were absolutely content and deeply in love.

Then as quickly as it had begun, it all fell apart. The first night terror had shaken Matthius to his core. What the fuck was that? His sunken eyes showed that he has not been sleeping well. He was scared, maybe more than that, he was terrified, and began losing sleep and some nights he wouldn’t even sleep at all. Trying so hard to understand what was happening to her lover, Sam comforted him every morning, but soon there was nothing she could do to help. He was falling apart as if tortured by some unforeseeable force. She would hold him close and kiss his sweat laden forehead, but eventually, her own studies and goals began to suffer because of her commitment to him. He remembered their conversation as he stared into the mirror this morning.

“What can I do to help, Honey?” She asked

“I don’t know, Sam. I am trying so hard to be better, but nothing is helping. Even my therapists are having trouble figuring out what exactly is wrong with me.. It’s as if I’m cursed or something.”

“You aren’t cursed.” She stared at him concerned. “ We just need to find another therapist who can make sense of it all.”

“Fuck, Honey. We have already gone through three in the last month. Not to mention four fucking physicians and sleep studies that have gotten us nowhere closer to any answers.” He was frustrated,; but seeing her hand withdraw slightly, he said softly, “ I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t mean to upset you. I can’t keep doing this to you though. What happens when I finally snap. By then, it will be too late, and what if, God forbid, I hurt you? I’d never fucking forgive myself.”

“What are you saying?” She said in a faint whisper.

“I love you, Sam, but I can’t let you continue to destroy your future for me.” He said solemnly.

“No that’s my choice to make, dammit!” She raised her voice in desperation. “You don’t get to make that for me. Fuck you for even trying. I love you, Matty…”

“I love you too, but I can’t drag you down anymore, Sam. I’m so sorry.”

Before she could respond he had stood up and walked out of the apartment. She sat there in stunned silence. As he walked down the stairs to the entrance of the apartment complex, Matthius felt an indescribable pain. He knew he had done the right thing, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. The other more undesirable thought running through his head was much darker. His phone was buzzing in the pocket of his blue jeans; he ignored it. It was most definitely either Sam or his Aunt; right now, he couldn’t speak to either.

This was the daily struggle he faced. His mind was tortured by the things that no one else could see. How many times had he been told that what he was going through he could just “push” through.Those very sentiments always made him feel as if he had done something wrong or like this totally intangible feeling was his fault. Many times he had gone to the therapist and explained his issues only to receive the same empty response: “Well you know things could be worse. Try to think of all the good in your life.”

He had tried so hard to explain to them that he felt completely helpless like he had no control over his own emotions anymore. He would go from one professional to another with varying opinions, but most of the time it would always end up the same way. They would ask him their series of probing questions, and then before he left their office, they would prescribe him some form of useless medication that only caused his problems to become more pronounced.

It was the single most flawed system in the country. The Psychologist and therapist did not give two shits about their patients; at the end of the day, they were all just a payday for them. Mental health was a profitable market to be in. These professionals and the drug companies they supported were sucking the life out of the helpless. Only one time had Matthius met a psychologist who truly cared. He would let there meetings run long understanding fully that what Matthius felt was legitimate and that perhaps drugs weren’t the solution. Unfortunately, just after his third visit with him, Matthius was given the news that he had passed away from a brain aneurysm. So now here he was feeling completely hollow and alone; his thoughts fixed on what he felt was the only solution.

Without thinking, he got on the number 23 bus and headed uptown. I have to do this. It’s the only way. He was trying to convince himself still, but as he did so, he hopped off the number 23 and walked onto the Fremont Bridge. All around him, bystanders were on the bridgewalk eating melting ice cream cones and smiling joyously. Fuck could have picked a better place than this. Oh well… Fuck it. This is the only way tobe free of this torture. I’m sorry, Sam. I love you… Please, forgive me.

With that thought, he sprinted toward the bridge railing attempting to jump over. Little did he know a portly Fremont Police officer, with a chubby face and classic cliche mustache, had been observing him cautiously as he was still in his pajamas and looking rather out of place among the jubilant bridge visitors. He tackled him just before he could hurl himself over the railing. Landing with a heavy thud, the man's weight knocked the breath out of Matthius, and struggling to break free of the officer's grip, he accidentally slammed his elbow into the officer’s vulnerable nose causing blood to gush from it.

“Calm down, kid.” He said firmly but with compassion still in voice somehow. “ You don’t have to do this.”

“Please, it’s the only way.” Matthius pleaded. “ I have no other choice.”

“You always have a choice, kid. Hold still I got an ambulance on the way.”

He was admitted to the local mental ward. They said it would be only a 72 hour hold, but after several evaluations, the doctors and psychologist deemed he would need to be held for an additional 14 days. Several people came to visit him while he recovered: his Aunt, the officer who’d saved his life, and his best friend from high school.The one person he wanted to see more than any other; however, couldn’t bear to see him, his Aunt admitted to him.

Now three weeks later, he was home. While he was in the ward, Sam had moved out, but she had left him a letter:

Dear Matty,

This feels like such a shitty thing to do, to leave without goodbye with only this letter to explain why, but it is the only way. I’m so sorry I didn’t come visit you. After our last conversation, I could no longer bear to see you especially when I found out what you had attempted to do. If I was the cause for that terrible decision, I’m so sorry. You are my world; life feels utterly empty without you, but I think we both know that it’s best to be apart for now. I want you to know that I am not moving from town or going to try and find someone else. You are my always; nothing will change that. Please forgive me for everything that happened. I feel responsible for it all, and I will forever carry that weight with me till the day I die. I will wait for you. Please take care of yourself and don’t ever think that what you chose to do is the only solution you have. I love you, Matty.

Love, Sam

He knew he shouldn’t have, but he taped the letter to his mirror to remind him daily of what he’d lost. This was both saddening and motivating to him. She said she would wait. Whatever the fuck was wrong with him, absolutely nothing was going to keep him from being with her again someday.