June 23rd, 2012

Jana Kramer arrives at Emily’s where we all said to meet up. “Whose Jana Kramer?” Sara asked.

“You know that girl who we all don’t know the name of so we just call her Jana Kramer,” Emily laughed, already high off the few bong hits that she took by herself.

“What?”

“Don’t worry about it, she’s cool,” I said. “Are you good to drive, Ems?”

“Of course. I’ve done it plenty of times.

Cody laughed, “almost killing us in the process.”

Jana Kramer entered Emily’s home where she introduced herself to everyone. Her first question was, “who’s driving?”

“Emily in one group, the other with Cody,” Sara answered.

“Dibs with Ems,” Andrew walked into the living room with his jacket half ways on. “Oh, hey Jana. You look sexy.”

Jana laughed nervously, “Thanks.”

I left with Cody. Along with me was Jana Kramer, Chris, and Isaac. Emily was following just behind but she called Cody to make a stop at a gas station halfway to Seattle. We all group up outside as Andrew heads inside with Cody.

I felt around my mini jacket’s pocket for the tab of ecstasy. It was still there, Pandora’s Box. It was something so small but so dangerous. I remember how sick I felt leaning against Cody’s car as I waited for him. Isaac was talking to Emily and Sara while Chris stayed in the car. I realized I was alone and no one was paying attention. I took out the tab and stared at it for a second before Andrew and Cody walked out with some drinks.

Andrew: You’re gonna take it?

He texted as soon as we arrived. Cody hopped out and took the liquor out of his trunk. Andrew joined over with the drinks they bought (or what Andrew stole as I later found out). We all got some sort of mix of soda and vodka to get us turnt before we went in.

“Got any E, Drew?” Emily asked.

“Not tonight, sorry.”

“Chris?”

Chris shook his head after he finished his drink much faster than all of us. “I don’t do it at events. There’s no point.”

Andred scoffed, “Sure mate, because nobody does it when they’re alone,” then he turned his attention to Emily, “Just buy some inside, no biggie.”

“Ew, no thanks.”

“Do you guys do E a lot?” I asked Sara.

“Not really. Andrew and Chris usually don’t have any on hand.”

Andrew looked over at me and grinned. I looked down at my drink as pulled out the tab again. He was daring me to do it when I noticed his eyes haven’t budged. Andrew was now at a smirk as everyone around us was having their conversation. He grinned again when I put the tab in my mouth and drank it.

I’ve only been to one other rave if I could even call it that. It was a music festival last year. They played shitty dubstep and drum and bass. But we were in one of those underground raves where it wasn’t commercialized. I remember the second I walked in I was exploded by the deep bass of Electro.

As a group, we all went deep center of the crowd where we all lost each other in matters of minutes. I stayed with Cody of course as he was my boyfriend. Like the last rave, the energy is open air and it engulfed me. I think it just happens to everyone and the best thing to do is to let it take control.

I felt like before this, I lived in little bursts. All the pain and little bits that hurt faded away when it was just me and Cody there. Nevermind the dozen of sweaty bodies surrounding us, I didn’t think about that as I started to feel it.

First, the lights got brighter. I can remember that clearly because everything suddenly became pretty. I didn’t feel anything at first, but from my stomach, I can feel some light trying to escape. It’s a weird thing to describe but that’s how it was. The fabrics in my clothes started to show their presence and the deep bass and synth from the music sudden seemed to be absorbed by my skin. The air that I thought was suffocating and hot became clear and easy to breathe. I thought this was the beginning of enlightenment. Like Buddha.

I looked Cody and gave in to my unrelenting desire just to kiss him. Anything we did before, it was all fake. This was real kissing. The feeling I got just by feeling his lips, feeling his tongue was greater than the sex we had. I don’t know how much time we spent making out.

I just remember feeling my body get really hot and sweat was coming out. I’m pretty sure Cody knew I was rolling because he went out and grabbed me a half liter of water while he left for a minute. In that minute I felt everything. All the lights, all the soundwaves, all the cosmic energy, all the warmth from the earth just hit me all at once.

Then I peaked.

Looking back all the stupid songs and all the foolish ones. Cody said that this city, this town, this state swallows men. That we all run into and eventually run from and never to return again. He said that that luck and love are one of the same. You remember when you fell in as clear as day. You remember the moment you fell out of touch the same way.

That Darkwood’s hushed, holding onto its secrets. The town is breathing and every exhalation creates a gray skyscrapers. The city breathes a dirty breath leaving fog through a looking glass where we can etch out dreams only for them to fade away. And while the town grits its teeth, he held me tight like we’re dreaming a race. There’s no straps or belts that kept us in place, just the movement holding me down to earth. We hate this place, we want to leave. We’re cornered by wildlife and empty roads. Cody said, “have you ever met such a son of a bitch you hated to love?”

I closed my eyes where everything felt as I was a Queen.

I had lost my mind.

When I awake from that trance, Cody is gone. Emily and Sara are dancing together at the front center of the crowd. Jana Kramer is by herself enjoying energy’s movements and followed along. Chris was walking around as if he had somewhere to be.

It had been raining outside for quite some time. There were no texts from Cody, none from anyone else. I turned the corner of the building and I saw Andrew pushing a girl against the wall with her legs around his waist. She was enjoying it. I was now coming down enough to figure out what was happening and my body warmed up. Andrew looked over and grinned.

Andrew stopped but the girl didn’t care. I stared at Andrew far too long than I should have. He was only a few inches taller than me but it felt like he was giant compared to me. Then it felt all too real; his fake natural confidence. Like Cody, the kiss felt real.

The rain started up again. It was light but can feel each individual drop land and travel down my body. It tickled me, it embraced me, it kissed me. It kissed me like Andrew kissed me and once I realized that I pulled back.

Andrew started to laugh again. He always laughed because everything was just one big fucking joke to him. But it was funny, so I started to laugh as well.

I took Cody up to my room where no guy has ever been. He stared at the posters on the walls and the plushies all around. I awaited the realization in his face where he figured out I’m not the girl everyone said I was. Instead, he just observed every little detail about my room and said, “This is all pretty great.”

I don’t have any One Direction posters or one of Justin Bieber or Drake. I don’t have hundreds of photos of my friends on my wall or are my walls pink. My room isn’t suffocating with a thousand things all over.

I have one Emmah Melody Ryan poster above my bed. It’s of her during the famous Madison Square Garden debut where she wore the ever iconic white dress. There is another poster of Taylor Swift and one of Iron Man. I have three bookshelves completely filled in each corner of my room and no TV. Of course, I have a makeup stand with everything organized besides the mirror.

Cody touched the Emmah poster with the back of his hand. “I never really did ask what you listened to,” he said.

“I’m not bound by specific tastes.”

“Me neither. You know she rumored to be living in Seattle?”

“Really?!”

“An estate really, near volunteer park. I think she lives with her best friend who’s the daughter of the owner of the record label.”

“Where did you hear this? She’s supposed to be reclusive.” I asked, sitting down on my neatly made bed.

“I read it online somewhere. I don’t know,” Cody took his hand off the poster. “You should have told me you were gonna roll tonight. I would’ve taken better care of you.”

“You did fine, Cody.” I giggled, not sure why, but I did.

“Did your friend Jana get home safe?”

“She’s spending the night at Ems.”

“Good, good, uh...” Cody stopped, probably because he didn’t know what else to say. This was a first. Cody always had something to say whether it be something small like an observation or poetic like the lines he likes to recite. I turned on some music in the meantime.

I giggled again, probably because that tingly and sensitive sensation was still in my system from the ecstasy. Cody shyly looked away when I took off my shirt. “You’ve seen me dozen of times, why are you blushing?”

“This is different.”

“How?”

“You wouldn’t understand.” But I thought I did. I mean, I think I do. He was now in my room where it’s the most private thing in my life. In here I completely vulnerable. It’s why I let very little people in and even those who come in don’t come back often. So yes, Cody was special for being in here.

“Wait a second. Where are you?”

Cody looked back with a small smile. “I’m here.”

“I didn’t say you could come here.”

“Can I come there?”

I nodded. Cody took a second to look at me. It wasn’t a look of lust or desire like everyone else does. In that second he gave me something I didn’t know I wanted, appreciation. “Okay. So you saw it. Hotel Chevalier.”

“Of course I watched it. I’ve watched everything you told me. Besides, didn’t you say it was a favorite thing you’d ever watched?”

“Yeah. I guess. I just didn’t expect you too.”

“I’m more interesting that I make myself out to be,” I laughed.

Cody chuckled walking up to me and pushed my forehead so my body would fall on my bed. Then I just watched. Then I felt.

It was different. We weren’t fucking. No, this was slower, more passionate. This was a whole completely level. It’s as Cody was pacing himself with the rhythm of the music. He felt me. He felt every single inch of my body and licked, smelled and tasted every single bit of it. I could fill the rise and ease of flex of arms.

This was fucking. As much as I hate the phrase, this was sex. We were having sex.

This was better than the savagery porn fucking. It’s better than the random ‘we’re bored’ fucking. And the best part was is that we still felt like one. Yet, he still didn’t come.