June 15th, 2012

This is the story of how I smoked my first blunt of weed.

This is where everything started to get so fucked up. If anyone is looking for blame anywhere, this is where it would be. People will blame Andrew even though it was my own choice. Here goes:

Oh, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. I don’t know why I agreed to hang out with Andrew, but I did. I had woken up that with a text from him and not from Cody. It took me a while to respond, after all, we barely had started talking at Emily’s kickback. A kickback that I could barely remember now but I do know I got to know everyone a little bit better. I’m sure I talked to everyone, except Sara at one point, I just don’t remember.

I met Andrew outside the school’s parking lot, having read about his latest adventures thirty minutes prior. The night before he and Carlos went over to the next town over to a party that was supposed to be exclusive. Of course, I was invited along with my friends but didn’t go because really, who wants to party in Issaquah? They’re just trying to be the next Darkwood but Andrew showed them they couldn’t compete, even if it’s something not to be proud of.

Andrew wasn’t invited this this ‘exclusive’ rager, but he crashed it anyway. He described it on Twitter as, “A bunch of losers thinking that getting twisted is on the same level what we do. They think their teenage angst makes them much more important than they actually are.”

And I thought about it that morning. I haven’t been outside Darkwood parties much. The few that I’ve been have been boring. I don’t know what makes it so different. Perhaps it's the open use of coke and ecstasy in Darkwood. No one really cares because everyone is using. In other towns, even in Seattle, it’s all hidden in a bathroom and in their cars. Then there’s the drama. The only drama in Darkwood is Andrew’s constant fighting random people. Besides that, everyone is friends with each other because they all share one common goal: to get fucked up and have a good time.

So it’s not surprising when I found out the kids in Issaquah freaked out when Andrew spiked drinks with codeine and promethazine. When they tried to kick him out, he kicked the host in the nuts and called him a pussy. The story is sure to make Andrew more of a legend.

“Wow, you came, love,” he greeted me but started to walk into the forest entrance right again. He wanted me to follow, so I did. “So that post on Facebook Megan made about you. That shit is hilarious!”

“Yeah, well who are people gonna believe?” I said jogging up to him to catch up. I hate running.

“Well considering people have been saying you’ve been acting weird lately…”

“I control the narrative.”

He laughed, “Right you do! Your confidence is sexy.”

“I’ve been told. Where are going Andrew, we’re gonna get lost.”

Andrew continued laughing. “Don’t worry about it, babes. You agreed to this.”

“I agreed to hang out, not to be murdered,” I crossed my arms. As I looked up I saw the trees start to hide away the light gray sky. I could smell that it’s getting ready to rain, it’s been a while. “Why are we doing this?”

“Who knows. I don’t know what’s going on in your mind.”

I didn’t know what Andrew was planning. He’s too unpredictable. At Emily’s kickback, he was more calm, rude and obnoxious, but calm. Everywhere else I always see him acting in anger and recklessness. That one example didn’t give me enough evidence to get a real sense of who Andrew was. Although I did get a sense of who Cody hung out with. These people were real. Andrew was real. They didn’t care about popularity or dumb things like finding something to do. They just needed each other.

After 20 minutes of walking, (keeping track on my phone) we reach where Andrew was taking me. There’s another open field in the forest where there was a creek cutting across. The only person there was Chris, laying down on one of the boulders next to the small river.

“Do you want a smoke?” Andrew asked when we approached Chris.

“You know I don’t smoke.”

“We won’t tell.”

“No.”

Andrew laughed, slapping Chris’ leg but he doesn’t react. “Whatever,” he said in low. He sat next to Chris who still hasn’t reacted. “I’ve been thinking, about why you’re hanging out with Cody now and then us by extension.”

“Yeah?” I sat opposite of Andrew, on the other side of Chris.

Andrew pulled out a blunt and a lighter. “I think you’re tired of all the bullshit. It’s why you ditched Megan. She and Amanda are the queen bitches of school. Don’t know if you ever noticed but nobody likes them.”

“And what makes you think I’m tired?”

“If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here.”

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. This is where I learned that he’s more than what meets the eye. He’s much smarter than he allows himself to show. He and Chris had a way of getting in your head because they were clever enough to say the right words to the right person.

But he was right. It got boring hanging out with the same people day in day out. My run of being incorruptible had gotten boring. Perhaps it was the narcissist in me that made me believe I could hang with another crowd and control them like I did with my friends, or rather I didn’t want to do that anymore and just wanted to feel normal.

I didn’t say anything as I thought about it. I got a text from Cody in the meantime.

Want to hang later? Let me know

I didn’t reply.

“So I’ll ask again, wanna try it?” Andrew asked again.

“It won’t be the end of the world if you do,” Chris finally said something.

I took the blunt and the lighter. I've seen my friends do this countless of times. It’s just like lighting a cigarette. I held the blunt in my hand for a long time. I never held one before. I thought about my brother, then my mother. I knew I shouldn’t have even considered it, but Andrew’s words got to me.

Impatient, Andrew took the blunt from me and lit it with another lighter he pulled out. He took the first drag, then gave it back to me. “Stop trying to hold this image of yourself that you know you don’t want.”

“Shut up! I told you why I don’t do any of this.”

“You’re not your brother, Eli. You talk about having control over everyone but you let everyone control who you are.”

“Control is a false sense of security to make us feel that we have some sense of direction in our lives,” Chris said.

I felt the brown paper touch my lips. It was watermelon flavored, but still tasted like paper. I didn’t inhale yet as I looked at Andrew who wasn’t even paying attention. He had a hand up, trying to see if going to rain soon. Chris still hadn’t moved.

The harsh and musky smoke overpowered my throat in a half second and I started to couch. It tasted like shit but what could have I expected. Andrew started to laugh and took back the blunt. The coughs got worse over time and my mouth got dry. This is to be expected as it’s everything I imagined. And yet I couldn’t imagine the head rush feeling of everything becoming so...focused. My body felt heavier like I was submerged in a pool but the world around me only got a little bit brighter.

“Damn, don’t die on me, Eli. I don’t want a death in my hands, I would have to take over the school for you.” Andrew joked and I knew it it was a bad one but at that moment it felt so funny. So I laughed with a few coughs in between. “So how is it?”

My response felt longer than it was, “I feel ugly.”

“Welcome to the real world,” Chris said, finally sitting up.

I met with Cody at one of the three diners in town. It’s the only diner in town that stays open 24 hours and serves the best coffee around. It’s in the most northern part of Darkwood, at the entrance just off of Washington’s 18.

Driving high was easier than I expected, much easier than being drunk. It reminds me though, that Darkwood is nothing but a small town compared to everywhere else. Sure, we encircle a three-mile long forest without a name, but the actual town surrounding it is small. It’s just a small town surrounded by forest trees everywhere, hidden from the world, hidden and protected from street crime. It gets gloomy here. It gets somber but sometimes waking up with a rainy window isn’t always bad.

Cody laughed when he saw my visibly red eyes. He didn’t disapprove. Sitting behind us was this old couple I’ve seen around town throughout the years. They’ve been the longest married couple in Darkwood. Their kids have their own kids who go or will go to Mickle Ray High with us. Those kids are Jana Kramer and her brother Alex Elledge.

“Any reason why you wanted me to come here?” Cody asked.

“This is one of the many spots I would hang out with my friends.”

“Ex-friends.”

“Ex. Friend. Only Megan can die.”

Cody laughed gently, making my stomach turn. It’s the simple things. The waitress came by, a girl our year who had gotten the job over winter break. She’s seen me here countless of times since then so she doesn’t even take my order anymore, I always get the same thing. Straight black coffee and a small order of french fries. Cody orders a glass of lemonade and a burger. He doesn’t question why the girl didn’t take my order. “You’ve been hanging out with Jana Kramer a lot lately, is that part of your new revolution?”

“Is that what everyone’s calling it?”

“That’s what I’m calling it. Jana Kramer is nice, but before that, all you did was give her tips on how to be cool. Did you too really connected at Alyssa’s party?”

“I guess. She’s not a bitch that everyone else is, myself included.”

“Is that what you want? To not be that girl anymore? It’s why you smoked your first blunt with Andrew today, wasn't it?”

I laughed. “I don’t know what I want, Cody. Let’s leave it at that. But what about you? You’re letting me do this little ‘revolution’ with you. Now that we’re ‘together’ or whatever this is, what made you want me?”

Cody chuckled, “You know, sometimes I feel like we live in that small town where horror movies or those thrillers movies happen. The rainy weather makes it so perfect. So I thought that if that one thing everyone wanted to happen, something mysterious like that would happen.”

“So it was just for your enjoyment? Typical boys,” I scoffed, looking away.

“I’m glad I was proven wrong.”

“This town, you’re right. It is one of those towns. It wouldn’t surprise me at all where some kid shows up dead in a forest and there's this big mystery around it that just uncovers all the scandals this town has to hold.”

“Do you hate it here?”

“Yeah. You?”

“No. You know when it doesn’t rain for a while and then when it does there's that strong smell around? It’s called petrichor, and it’s one of my favorite things in the world.”

“What are the others?”

“The smell of forest fires. There’s no name for that or at least from what I could google.”

“Why?”

“You ever smell one? You ever saw one? The smoke, it so deceitful. It’s sweet and welcoming but the reality is that it’s just destruction. The fire is destruction.”

Wow. This is a completely different Cody than I expected. Then again we had just been hooking up, up until this point; meaningless sex until it has meaning. I tried to remember how he was in middle school. All I could recall is his confidence and leadership he had over us. Ever friend clique had a leader, but Cody stood out of all of them. But I don’t think Cody ever talked about things like this.

“Is it beautiful?”

“A forest fire?”

“Yes.”

“Nothing else compares.”

We stayed quiet for a moment. I admired his eyes and I hoped he was doing the same. I’ve never been in love. I always wondered how it felt like and I hoped that Cody would be that one. That’s what I thought was happening at the diner that day. I thought that maybe Cody would be the person to break me out of this shell I’ve been in ever since freshman year. I thought about a lot of things while the waitress came back with our food.

“What do you like to listen to? I mean, like stuff that you don’t share with people,” I asked, now more intrigued with Cody than ever.

“I listen to a lot of indie hip-hop when I’m alone.”

I remembered. Cody shared a lot of his music in middle school. I don’t remember much of it with the few exception like Emancipator and Bonobo, that wasn’t hip-hop. Then I remembered something else that I’ve forgotten, “You used to write poems all the time, do you still do that?”

Cody nodded, “They’re more raps now. I’ve been practicing.”

The coffee takes away from the high, “Since when?”

“Eighth grade.”

“Oh. Well, it’s your turn now.”

“To ask you stuff? No thanks.”

“Right, because everyone already knows who I am.”

“No, because I already know who you are, Eli.”

“And who’s that?”

Cody is back to those watchful, protective eyes. “In the tall grass,” he said. That’s all he said. I thought he was calling me a snake. I thought he was calling me out for being everything I started to despite but at the time I didn’t care because he was right. I was a snake in the tall grass.

“What do you mean?”

He chuckled as he drank his lemonade. I looked back to Jana Kramer’s grandparents. They were gone now. Everyone in the diner was gone, there wasn’t a soul in sight. Even the waitresses and had disappeared. I thought this was that horror thing that Cody was talking about. It was going to happen right then and there, and want to know something? I was fine with it.

But it was all part of my imagination. Only Jana’s grandparents had left. In fact, two of the high school football stars walked in at the moment. They walked past us, taking their seats across the diner, surely noticing us.

“You’re a smart girl, Eli. You’ll figure it one day. And no, I’m not calling you out for having a fork in your tongue. You’re much more than that.”

“And what are you Cody? You’re just as cryptic as Andrew and Chris.”

“Why do you think I hang out with them?”

“I can understand Chris, but not Andrew.”

“He’s entertainment.”

“Than what are you?”

“Someone pretending to be better than I ever been.”

Just like me, I thought.

We talked for hours that night. I learned a lot more about him that I thought I would have. It’s nothing that said, but the way he said it and his action in his stories. I got a better feel of who Cody was as a person.

Cody only drinks and smokes weed with the occasional cigarette. He’s like me, incorruptible by this town. Cody values his friends over anything else, but I know Emily was far above anything else. They way he talked about her, Emily was right. They are in love. I say that even though I don’t know the feeling but I understand the word. It’s something I saw in my parents before my dad got into huge debt and Mom divorced him. No, now that I think about it that wasn’t love. They acted like they were in love, but Mom never did love him.

I envisioned how my kids would look like if Cody was the father. I liked to imagine they would keep his brown hair and his height while my genes would give them that glow that everyone in the Wilson family has. They would be beautiful, grow up to be leaders and one-day powerful people. But it was just that, day dreams.

I caught Cody staring outside after a few minutes of silence. Not the awkward silence, but rather where we can just sit and enjoy each other’s company silence. It’s natural, and I like it. I looked over at what Cody was staring at and it was just a single flower. A blue flower.

It called out to me.