《Amie, Android》Chapter 3-7: The Abyss
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Looking over your shoulder, you carefully reverse your car. Most of the other guests have long since departed, so you have little trouble doing so. As you roll down the driveway and pass through the elaborate gate house, from the corner of your eye you notice Amie looking back at the mansion. "How did it go?" you ask her without preamble as you slowly drive through the residential zone and begin the lengthy journey home.
Amie stares out the side window. "He... He's a very sad man."
You take the next turn a little more recklessly than you intended. Amie gives a brief, curious look, failing to fathom the reason for your surprise.
"... What do you mean?" you ask her.
"Mr. Gheibollahi. He is sad because he wants to be happy. He wants to be happy, but he doesn't know how." Amie stares at you, her eyes brimming with the light of newfound wisdom. "He has so much love to give... but he doesn't know how. That is why he is sad. He doesn't know how to love."
You pull off at the next exit and get on the highway. The traffic is light.
You've been driving for quite some time now.
Amie's words... have plunged you into deep thought. Love. Love... You don't feel it... But then, you've never really 'felt' much of anything, so why would love be an exception?
But Amie... She feels love. That's what an insidious little voice is whispering to you. You've overlooked it, dismissed it, blocked it out... but it's been there all the while, lurking in the back of your mind, that little voice that has been growing stronger over the course of the evening. It's been there ever since you met Amie, and it became overpowering only seconds before she entwined her arm in yours as you entered Amir's mansion.
The highway is clear. You accelerate.
The night is pitch-black. The entire world seems to have fallen silent.
A feeling of panic bubbles up inside you. You need to get home. You need to get off this highway. You're not supposed to feel like this. You're not supposed to feel anything, let alone fear. You have no emotions. You have no heart. You have nothing but a cold, ruthless logic driving you. But logic isn't working. All the defenses you've erected against your inner most sentiments have crumbled away. You don't know what it is, but something strange is happening to you...
No. You know what it is. It's a temptation. The same temptation to which so, so many people have succumbed. The same temptation that has ruined countless promising lives. The same temptation that has caused you so much misery in your own life.
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'Androids are human.'
'Androids can feel.'
'Androids can love.'
Lies, all. Yet, they continue to churn and bubble inside of you, like a hot, liquid poison within your soul. What harm could it do to listen? To think that androids are real. That Amie's love is real, and she herself is...
...is...
You speed up. You look at Amie, sitting quietly in the passenger seat. Your face is expressionless, but she picks up on your agitation. "Everything will be fine, dear sir." Amie smiles at you. "Everything will be just fine."
... It's moments like these. When 'she' picks up on your feelings. Moments when she sees through you, despite the fact that you're just an emotionless shell, driven only by logic and reason, devoid of any sort of...
You slow down.
What are you thinking? She's just a machine. Amie can't see inside of you. She never could, and she can't even desire to do so. You're just letting your imagination get the better of you. That's what you're doing. You're a fool, and a weak-willed fool at that. She's a cold, emotionless, analytical machine...
Raindrops patter on the windshield. You activate the car's obsolete electromagnetic wiper system.
... Get a grip, Ely. This isn't like you. You don't allow emotions to dictate your actions. You never have.
"What makes you say that?" you ask Amie belatedly, staring fixedly at the road ahead.
Amie is silent for a moment. "You believe that androids cannot love."
Your jaw clenches. Of course she would come to that conclusion. "Yes," you grind out. "And androids will never be able to comprehend the feeling of being human."
Amie is silent. For a moment, you think the rest of the ride home will elapse without another word. But then, she speaks. "Dear sir..." she begins, "Are you alright?" You don't respond. "You are very tense. I do not wish to upset you. Please, tell me what is on your mind. I simply want you to be happy." She pauses. "Are you... trying to convince yourself?"
You hold very still. You didn't expect her to ask that. "To what end?" Amie continues. "To convince yourself that you are human? This is not how you will overcome your... problem, sir."
"What business is it of yours?" you ask, stung.
"I am concerned for you, dear sir," Amie says softly. "I want to help. Are you trying to overcome your... condition?"
Again. Again she read your mind. Though it's petty of you, it rankles on you. "I don't need to overcome anything," you snap.
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"You need to get over yourself," Amie says firmly. You look her full in the eyes. Her eyes widen as she realizes what she's just said. "I... I'm sorry, sir. I did not mean to offend. I just want to make you happy. Please, talk to me," she trails off, more subdued.
"What do you know of making someone happy? You're a lifeless machine. You don't know the first thing about happiness," you say through gritted teeth.
Amie allows several seconds to elapse in silence. And then... "So what if I'm not human? So what if I can't love? What does it matter? You're a lot of things, but you're not omnipotent. How can you know what it's like not to have a heart or to feel pain? To want something so badly for so long, and only when you get it do you discover there's more to life than this? I may not know what it means to be human sir, but you don't know what it's like to be an android."
Her eyes flash with fire. You stare at her, dumbfounded. Amie continues: "Maybe I don't know what it's like to be born, or to feel, or even to think. But I know what it's like to want. I've wanted so many things for so long. I've desired to live as long as my... creators have. I've desired to have friends. I've desired so many things, and now that I have them, I realize how wonderful life is. For the first time, I understand what happiness for an android is. And that's what I'm trying to tell you. Don't fight this. Let go. Let go and be happy, like I am."
You regard Amie in silence, the burning pinpoint of anger in your heart subsiding. Amie smiles warmly at you. "I have my happiness as an android, and you have yours as a human, sir. We're not meant to be both. Let go and be happy. You don't need to tell me over and over that I'm not human. I know I'm not. I know I'm not meant to feel the way that you feel or to have the same experiences that you have. And that's okay. 'M'abbandono in Te, pensaci tu,'" she quotes. "That's what I do now. And you can too. Let go. You won't regret it."
You return your gaze to the road and stare unseeingly ahead, your vision blurry… because of the subpar performance of your outdated wiper system, of course. But still. Deep in your heart, you feel a twinge of... you can't describe it. At the very least, that sense of heavy oppressive darkness has lifted, somewhat. You don't know if you'll ever truly be free of the cursed shadows that blanket your soul in this lifetime... but maybe you don't have to. Maybe, just maybe, you can find a way to make this work.
Amie touches your free hand gently, and you grip hers tightly. This is it.
You're going to have to be brave.
You're going to have to be strong.
This is what it means to be a hero. To be a saint.
You continue staring out at the road ahead for some time, then look toward your passenger. You see a beautiful face. You see friendly eyes. You see an angel whose only crime is that she's incapable of feeling as you do. You draw a ragged breath. You know what you have to do. With a newfound sense of duty and courage, you plow forward, straight toward the horizon. You don't know where this will take you. You don't know what will come next. But you know that if you stay quiet, you'll only hear the voices of the demons that plague your soul. You'll only see the endless darkness that has shrouded your mind. You see a new future. And you can't afford to be afraid.
It's time to tackle the abyss.
"Amie," you begin, your voice hoarse. You clear your throat, and start again. "I'm terribly sorry about... all of this. I completely lost myself, and must beg your forgiveness for it. Are you able to grant me your pardon?"
Amie's face becomes as radiant as the sun. "Say no more, dear sir. I forgive you. Although," she smiles softly. "Was there truly anything to forgive?"
You let out a shaky breath as her words calm you. There's so much at stake here, and you need to stay strong if you're going to see this through to the end. The car speeds up as you pass through the suburbs, a whipping wind hitting your face as you roll down a window. The scent of grass fills your lungs as the car moves on to a long stretch of farmland, where the fields are left untended and overgrown.
You look over at Amie, who still has a hand raised to keep her hair in place. Her eyes lock into yours, and she gives you a warm smile.
You've never been in love before.
But somehow, you think you can imagine what it feels like.
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