“Bye Lillia! I’m going home.” I sarcastically quip as I line up a platoon of skeletons.

“You can’t leave.” She calmly states.

“I’ve left before, cmon I’ll be quick. My grave was nearby so that must mean that my old house is nearby.”

“You can’t leave the dungeon.”

I ignore Lillia and teleport myself and my crew to the front of the dungeon. I can leave anytime I damn well want to. No golem loli is going to tell me what to do!

I march my skeletons to the entrance. They pass through effortlessly but I bang my head into an invisible wall. “Oww?” I say more out of shock than actual pain. I reach out a hand and jam my finger into a barrier. I trace it with my hands. The entrance is blocked by a magical barrier like an indestructible plane of glass. I punch at it but all that serves to do is send one of my knuckles flying. I sigh as I pick it up and reattach it.

I teleport back to Lillia. “How’d you know?”

“Know what?”

“Know that I couldn’t leave the dungeon.”

“I’ve been doing this for 20 years. I know everything about being a dungeon master.” She lacks her childish demeanor. This Lillia is more haughty. A sly domineering toddler might be some people’s fetish, but it’s not mine and those people need therapy.

“You haven't been here for 20 years. There weren’t golems on Earth a year ago.”

“Never said I was doing it on Earth.” She sticks out her tongue at me.

I’ll just bribe the answer as to why I can’t leave the dungeon.

Time for Anon’s cooking corner! In today’s happy episode of Anon’s happy kitchen we will be cooking chocolate. The first step to cooking chocolate is to buy it with your DP.

That’s it, open your Store System and buy it with DP. It’s so easy even a dead guy can do it!

“Here.”

“What is it?” Observes it suspiciously, sniffing at the air around it. “More candy?”

“Yeah, if you tell me why I can’t leave the dungeon.”

She snatches it from my hands “Hey!” I yell at her.

“It’s because you’re still in a dungeon war.”

Oh yeah. I never finished that. Hiro defeated their army and then I had my hands full dealing with Hiro. Guess I have to send some goons to finish it. Speaking of Hiro, I need to revamp the dungeon to keep him interested and to keep anyone else out.

“The demon lord sent a message.”

“Greeeeat, any other good news?”

“The slaves are planning a revolt with their newfound freedom.”

I sigh. Back in highschool they tried to teach us some pseudoscience bullshit about time management. There is a way to evaluate each task and rank them by importance then do them in that order. It’s supposed to be very convenient. One of the seven healthy habits of every billionaire. Too bad I slept through that class.

“Fuck it.” I open my Store System and buy an Ancient Dragon. It’s the most powerful dragon class monster you can buy. A bright light fills the dungeon core room. Rising out of the floor comes the head large enough to fit two busses inside of it. It is followed by a body that towers over me. I feel like the man in science textbooks they use for scale when comparing the size of a blue whale, except this dragon has the mass of at least three blue whales. Feeling only slightly intimidated, I give it an order.

“Go find the air dungeon and touch their core.”

“No.” The dragon speaks.

“The fuck do you mean ‘No’ I summoned you! You’re supposed to listen to me!”

“Says who?”

“The rule book. Lillia! Get the rule book I want to beat this dragon over the head with the exact quote.”

“You don’t have enough dungeons conquered for it to obey you. For a dragon of that level you’ll need to have conquered eight.”

“Is it a fucking Charizard? I need eight badges for this fucker to obey me!”

“I don’t get the reference,” Lillia states blankly. I just spent one hundred thousand DP on a lemon. A monster that is probably harmful to me if I don’t level up quickly. “Can I bribe you to do it?” I ask the dragon.

“The only thing that I desire is recognition from my creator.”

“That’s me. I just created you out of DP.”

“No, you insolent skeleton, you transported me from my home planet.”

He just insulted me. Fuck him honestly. I may not be able to command him, but I can still command the dungeon. I call upon its immense power to teleport him to one of the volcano pocket dimensions. Then I take that pocket dimension and sever its connection from any others.

“He’ll starve like that. The magic that sustains him will run out.”

“Fine with me, but how do I conquer a dungeon?”

“You touch your identification card to the core of it.”

“What?”

“Your ID card. The card that is nested in your chest. Call it forth with your magical power.”

“What magical power! I’m a skeleton. I’m held together by your power.”

She pauses for a second. It would seem pulling your ID card out of your chest was a gift given by the aliens to everyone living on the planet. A gift I slept on with the sleep of death. “Just let me borrow yours. The dungeon and you are still connected or some bullshit. That should work. ”

“I am a golem. I possess no such ID card.”

I’m going to destroy this world if it doesn’t stop piling shit atop my plate.