“Mariane.” The jump I gave made me wince in pain.

“I’ve told you not to call me like that!” I scolded him, anger still bright red inside my chest, and I looked up at him. He was standing by the door as if some invisible boundary prevented him from entering. I noticed he’d put on a shirt, although he hadn’t taken the time to button it, the black lines he still hadn’t gone around to pulling sticking out of his chest, heavily contrasting with his white skin. His perfect face, usually indifferent, looked worried and somewhat sad and, annoyingly, I noted that that realization was enough to placate my fury. I wasn’t used to be able to so easily read emotions on his face. The only moments when that had happened Lea had always been close by.

“Explain,” he finally told me, or commanded me, and, as I stared blankly at him, he averted his gaze. He seemed agitated, not at ease at all, his gaze running all around the room as if it were the first time he saw it, and the words got caught in his throat. “I also want to understand. But I’m sure I’ll only be able to ... if you explain it to me. And maybe there might be things you’d rather not talk about. But if you don’t, I’ll never be able to understand them because my mind works differently than yours, and right now I can’t really tell what you’re thinking. So, if you can explain ...” He left it hanging. I was beyond stunned. I was frighteningly aware that, in the last few weeks, something in me had changed. But realizing that something had changed in him as well was even scarier.

“Explain?” I muttered and he folded his arms, avoiding looking at me in a clearly defensive posture.

Explain what? How? Where to start? And how could I possibly explain things that I couldn’t even begin to understand? No matter how many times I turned things in my mind, I always ended up even more messed up than when I’d started. In that moment, the only clear, objective thing for me was how I felt, and yet most times my feelings were contradictory. The idea of exposing them before him, just like that, terrified me even more than his immeasurable presence. My mind still kept that old alert in place — he was not Human! And exposing my weaknesses just like that could be all too dangerous.

And yet, although I’d just told him to do as he pleased, the mere idea of him leaving again was enough to break me to pieces. I squeezed my hands together and the only coherent thought in my mind was what could I possibly do to make him stay?

Suddenly I recalled what Lea had told me, and my heart jumped back to life, holding tight to that small hope. And so I straightened my back, turning to face him, although he was still avoiding me, and took a deep breath.

“I do not wish you to leave again!” I stated as clearly as possible, my voice for once unwavering, and yet, saying it out loud, was even harder than I’d imagined it. Almost as if to say those few, brief words, I had to break little pieces of myself.

His body was immediately tense, as if I’d just punched him out of nowhere, and his incredulous gaze fell over me. Still I didn’t allow it to intimidate me, or scare me, like it normally did. “I wish you to stay in this house!”

“What are you saying?” he whispered under his breath, frowning angrily, and I dug my nails in the back of my hand to make sure I wouldn’t hesitate, not even for a second.

“I wish you to stay in this house!”

“Mariane!” I cringed at his angry tone, shuddering at the sound of my name in his voice, but immediately sat upright again, making sure I kept facing him. My heart was beating painfully fast now, my stomach tied into a huge knot, but I’d never been surer of anything else in my entire life.

“You can raise your voice all you want. You can even make use of the power you have over my name,” I told him as calmly as possible, although absolute chaos reigned inside my head. “My wish will not change.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying!” he countered furiously, his eyes now gleaming. “You have no idea of how much I tortured myself over this! Of how much I thought this over and over! Until I was finally able to accept the idea of setting you free! And now you want me to stay?”

“Yes. That’s what I wish.”

He unfolded his arms and a cold, dangerous smile took over his face, distorting it into a cruel expression that sent shivers throughout my entire body. The air around me trembled, or was it the floor? The sound of a loud screech made me cover my ears with both hands and I closed my eyes trying to keep my emotions under control. The terror that washed over me left me breathless and all I wanted was to scream and run away. And so I bent over my own legs, making sure I’d stay put, no matter the cost.

A rough hand grabbed me by my hair, pulling my head up and backwards, and I gasped for air when I should be screaming in pain.

“Are you forgetting who I am?” His cold, icy tone reminded me of the first night I’d seen him, but, strangely enough, something deep inside me remained untouched, like a lake of calm, still waters in the center of a stormy, uncontrolled sea.

I opened my eyes to look at him, his face so close to mine that I could feel his warm breath on my skin, and I couldn’t help smile, although even my lips were trembling. Even though he wore this cruel, furious expression, his eyes were still violet, not a gleam of red in them.

“So silly,” I muttered, my voice almost inaudible due to the lack of air that made my chest burn. “Kill me then.”

As I expected those simple words were enough to defeat him. His hand lost its strength and ended up releasing me. I watched as he stepped back, and then some more, until he was against the wall on the other side of my bedroom, almost as if he wished to run away from me. I could clearly feel it as he controlled his own presence. It seemed like he was shutting it up bit by bit inside of him, until the air around us became breathable again and my tremors started to fade.

“Why?” His rough voice sounded as broken as mine, and I ran a still shaky hand over my face, feeling too tired but definitely unwilling to let him have his way.

“Gaalgha ... Isn’t that what you call us?”

“The Merifri call you that,” he corrected.

“So, Alexander explained that we do not feel the same way other Humans do, but, at the time, I couldn’t really understand what he meant,” I confessed. “When things change slowly, a bit every day, we tend to lose sight of how things used to be in the beginning. I always thought I was the same as everyone else ... a bit different, maybe, but a difference on the same level as all other differences that distinguish people from one another. Sure, the world around me was kind of grayish, but that was the normal world as far as I was concerned, and so I knew perfectly well how to deal with it. But then you came along. Now that I look back, I guess what I really feared right from the start wasn’t really you, but the inevitable change your existence would imply. I fought as hard as I could against it, constantly trying to find ways to stop myself from changing, trying to find some measure of support on the outside world, something that would always remind me of who Mariane was. But you, your every single action seemed to be aimed directly against it. You made me change my clothes, my family, my friends, even my own personality, and no matter how many times I told myself that all these were temporary things, that it would all end one day, the truth is that I couldn’t stop myself from getting used to all these changes.

“I suppose that it’s in our nature, this ability to adapt,” I continued as he listened attentively. “And that wouldn’t even have been all that bad, right? I mean, if I could adapt to your presence, it seems only natural that I should be able to readapt once you were gone. What I didn’t know was just how much I’m really not like everyone else. Feeling things differently? That’s the understatement of the year! And either I’m really a freak or not even Alexander knows all that much about us. In truth I just can’t feel anything at all, like, nothing. All my emotions and normal, daily reactions are more learned than anything else. I smile because I’m supposed to. Laugh or look sad because that’s what others expect me to do. Alexander says my Soul works independently from my heart, that that’s why she feels things differently and why, unlike everyone else, she wins over my other Human emotions. But, in my case, I really think there’s nothing else inside me. My Human emotions don’t exist, except ...” I hesitated and looked away, frustrated with how awkward and embarrassing it all sounded, but went on. “Feelings like rage, anger, sadness, fear, curiosity ... happiness. The only moments I was able to truly feel these things were during the days you were a part of my life,” I confessed, annoyed at my own embarrassment as I was sure my face was getting redder again. “I never noticed any of this before because I’d never realized just how ... empty I really am. But, after you left, and although in beginning I did feel relieved, as time went by all I could really see was just how ... fake I am. It was as if I didn’t really exist, as if I were no more than a shadow.”

I squeezed my hands together, torturing my own fingers to keep the nervousness at bay. I was too aware that what I’d just told him could cause irreparable damage to my own being but, in the face of the idea that he might leave again, just like that, I was all but willing to take the risk.

“How can you say something like this?” he asked and his soft tone was like a balm for the wounds I’d just exposed. “What about Michael? You loved him way before I came into your life,” he reminded me, but the bitterness in his voice didn’t go unnoticed.

“Michael. Yes, he was always the exception,” I confirmed, “He was the light in my gray world. Just from looking at him, even from far away, my dull life gained new meaning every day. I know it sounds ... ridiculous, saying it like this. But that’s how I felt. And yet, even that seems to have changed. I also thought that, even if you were gone, even if I couldn’t feel anything else, Michael alone would always be my light. But as time went by, not even that was left. And knowing that I can only give him empty smiles, it’s terrible! Almost unbearable!”

“You don’t love him anymore?”

I raised my head and faced his intense gaze. I hesitated for a moment, between truth and lie, and even though I knew he would rather hear the lie, I decided to be as honest as possible.

“I do. I do love him, and now that you’re back I’m more certain of that than ever,” I replied and he frowned again. I could easily see the effort it took him to keep his emotions under control and a cold, sarcastic smile tore at his perfect lips.

“So, you’re telling me that my presence here increases the feelings you have for him?” he asked and, as I didn’t reply, his cold laughter filled the air, sending shivers down my spine. “Just perfect.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Is that a question?”

“No,” I answered and we were both silent for a while. “Are you angry?”

“Angry? I can’t allow myself to feel such things. I do not wish your life to be over just yet, and that alone requires my every single drop of self-control.”

“How so?” I asked, hoping to extend a bit more our conversation, trying to somehow ease, even if just a bit, the heavy atmosphere that had remained, and he sighed.

“The smallest loss of control can be very bad for something as frail as you,” he told me and, before my expression of disbelief, looked around as if searching for something.

I watched as he crossed the room with gracious movements and slow, calculated steps. He went to my desk and grabbed the metallic cup where I kept a numerous amount of pens and pencils, emptying it on the table. Then he turned back to me, the cup between his open hands, and easily joined them, as if there were no cup at all, the screeching sound of folding, creasing metal filling the room. It didn’t even take him a second and my cup was a thin metallic foil.

“Impressed?” he asked, sounding amused, and only then I noticed that I’d been gaping at him.

“Yes ... and no. It’s something that I could have easily imagined, but seeing it like this has a different impact,” I admitted and, noticing how my hands had started shaking again, he went back to his place, leaning against the wall opposite to where I sat.

“Last time, when we were attacked by that Mazzikin and I held you, I couldn’t think about anything else. If I was holding you too tightly, if I’d end up unwillingly breaking your bones. Feeling them under my hands and knowing how frail they are is ... disturbing.”

I raised a hand, watching it closely, and frown displeased with what his concept implied.

“I'm not that frail!” I countered and he smiled, lifting just the corner of his mouth with a mocking expression.

“That depends on the point of view.”

I thought it better to leave it at that. I’d never had such an easy, and yet so sincere, talk with him. If it weren’t for small details, like the distance we had to keep from each other, I could have easily marked these moments as common.

“Can I ask a question?” I asked and he folded his arms.

“And since when do you ask permission for that?” he replied ironically and I couldn’t help smile.

“I remembered that questions used to annoy you and leave you in an impossibly bad mood,” I mocked and he sighed.

“Just ask!”

“Before you left, and even just now, you said you wanted me to smile. Why?” He looked away and stood up straight.

“I better go and see what’s keeping Lea,” he said with an expression that told me our conversation was over, and I jumped to my feet when he took the first step towards the door.

“Don’t you dare!” I commanded fiercely, and he looked back at me with an incredulous expression. “You’re running away because the subject doesn’t please you? I was completely honest with you because I recognized that, just like you said, this is the only way we can understand each other! I need to know.”

“There’s nothing to know!” he harshly cut me off and I knew my cheeks were blushing again.

“I’m not the only one who’s changed! You have also changed!”

“You’re wrong! It’s only the fact that you no longer fear me like you did in the beginning that makes you see it like that! Someone like me, who has lived all I have lived, doesn’t change anymore!”

“Is that what you want to believe?” I asked and he stared at me, angry again. “Or is that what you want me to believe? Izrail ...” I whispered the name for the first time, feeling just how heavy it sounded in my voice, and he took a hand to his face seeming suddenly too tired.

“Don’t call me that,” he muttered and I couldn’t help smile, happy that I’d found a weapon with the same kind of power that my name, in his voice, held over me.

“If you stop calling me my name,” I immediately negotiated, and he looked at me from between his long pale fingers.

“I don’t mind you using my other name. Just not that one,” he told me and it was my turn to fold my arms critically.

“And since when is Gabriel your name? Every time I have to say it out loud it gives me the creeps at how fake it sounds!” I stated and he seemed indignant.

“Ah, but you don’t seem to have any problems at all with Alexander!” he blurted out and I gaped at him again, ending up laughing, which seemed to confuse him. “What?”

“Nothing ... nothing, really. It’s just that, when you say what you really think you’re kind of funny.”

“Funny?” He looked like he was wrestling against the concept and I just nodded. “In any way, when I said my other name, I didn’t mean the Human name I’ve adopted,” he clarified and only then I understood he was referring to his real name, the name I supposedly had used to evoke him.

“I ... don’t know your name,” I confessed, kind of embarrassed, as if it were my duty to know it. “How could I possibly identify it in all those strange words?” I said in my own defense and he seemed amused with my pout.

“I know,” he admitted. “Actually, no one knows my real name. Besides me, the only one who knew it was the one who gave it to me, and she ceased to exist a few seconds after I was born.”

“Your mother,” I concluded with a solemn tone and he shrugged as if that could clear away the implicit weight of my tone.

“My breeder, yes,” he corrected. “Only that name has the power to evoke me and, in a certain way, to control my power. Or it should, if I weren’t so strong,” he added again with that unbearable smug expression, and I ignored his prepotent statement.

“If she died a little after you were born, and no one else knows it, how can you remember it?”

“No Shedim forgets his name after hearing it once.”

“And the other names?”

“They were given to me by others. Izrail, for example, was given to me by leader of our clan, the first time he laid eyes on me. It means Angel of Death and that’s why, somehow, I don’t like hearing it in your voice.”

I was really tempted to tease him again. But his embarrassed expression was just too endearing. That really sounded like something important to him.

“And then? What should I call you?” I asked, deciding to omit the fact that I already knew two more of his seven names, and thought that he’d probably answer Skylar, the name Alexander had told me the Ruhim had given him. When he finally faced me again, his expression was serious and intimidating, making my heart beat uncontrollably faster.

“Nyx.“ The word seemed to echo in my ears, his violet gaze piercing through me, leaving my mind completely blank. “Although I’d much rather if you didn’t use it in front of others,” he added, almost hesitantly. I couldn’t help notice the insecurity his whole being emanated. I was completely absorbed by his every discrete, almost imperceptible moves, the way his lips pressed nervously together, or the way his fingers lightly moved in an unconscious tic. Those were all expressions I’d never thought he’d be able to show, mirrors of feelings I’d never thought he’d be able to feel.

“Is that your real name?” I finally asked and he half-smiled.

“Part of it.”

“Nyx.” I tried saying it and he took in a deep breath, almost as if there was some kind of pleasant scent around him. “What does it mean?”

“Night.”

Yes, it fitted him perfectly, either being his long black hair or his usual coldness and indifference.

* If you want to know more about this book or simply access earlier updates, please visit the official site at https://carpersanti.net/gaea/