I’ve woken up to some strange things in my life, such as a guy breaking into my house to rob my. Unlucky for him, I was really good with a baseball bat back then. Played a bit of middle school ball and all that. But I gotta say, a passed out dude laying in a puddle of his own piss and an animated skeleton staring at him with an unreadable expression certainly takes the cake. There was also a strong feeling of absolute fear within my stomach that told me danger was near. I always trusted my gut, and it has never steered me wrong in life, but before acting, one must always get as much information as possible. So I pushed myself off the bed and wiped down my dress. It always pays to look your best after all.

“Yo, Arngrim, shouldn’t you be with the Goddesses?” I addressed my bony companion.

“I’m not sure master. Perhaps it is because we are linked?” His bones clinked as he tapped his skull in a thinking gesture.

“Eh, works for me.” I shrugged and motioned to Rambles, “Wake up Rambles there. I don’t feel like stepping in piss this early in the morning.”

“Its almost night, master.” Arngrim stated as he kicked Rambles in the leg. “My master commands that you awake!”

“Ey whats the bright idea?” Rambles grumbled as he awoke from his liquid slumber. “Why I oughta…” His train of thought clearly crashed as he locked his eyes upon Arngrim once more. “Ah…ah…”

“Rambles, worry less about the skeleton and more about your situation. You’re sitting in your own piss.”

“Wha- ah!” Rambles cried out, jumped up from the puddle, and stared at his clothes. “Damn I just stole these too…”

“You can always steal more later. Why’d you wake me up so urgently?”

“Ah! Thats right!” Rambles exclaimed, “The Princess is here, downstairs!”

“Oh fuck.” That explained my gut feeling. It was officially time to bounce.

I bolted straight to the window and tried to open it, only to find it firmly stuck shut. I looked towards the door in fear. If we went downstairs she’d find me for sure. More than likely I’d be caught as well, and that was not happening on my watch. I looked around my room frantically for a solution. Anything at all that I could bring to bear in some form of a plan to escape. My eyes locked upon the pillow resting upon my bed. With the speed of a squirrel running in front of a car, I grabbed the pillow, jammed my hand inside, and punched out the window.

Glass shattered, the jagged edges cutting into the pillow, but my hand was safe from the majority of the injuries. In fact, the few cuts I did receive quickly closed. Thanks Blessing of Light!

“W-why’d you do that?!” Rambles said as he rushed towards the remains of the window.

“Rambles, in life sometimes there must be sacrifices for the greater good. This window was one such sacrifice that I shall mourne greatly after we are safely away from here.” Rambles nodded repeatedly in understanding.

“But you didn’t have to break the window.” He pulled up two switch-like locks on the sides of the window sill. “It was just locked in place.”

“Its sacrifice shall never be forgotten.” I spoke solemnly as I began to knock out the rest of the glass. “Arngrim, tie those bedsheets together like a rope.

“Yes master.” The skeleton saluted and began to work at the task rapidly, using his sword to cut the sheets into thick strips.

“Master?” Rambles asked as he looked to the skeleton and back to me.

“Long story short, I accidentally put his soul back into his body and hes kinda my slave now.”

“Damn…” A pair of footsteps loudly approached outside my door, cutting off Rambles words. We were almost out of time. I motioned everyone to be silent as I tied the completed bed-sheet rope to the bedpost nearest to the window and tossed the makeshift rope out the destroyed window.

“You first Arngrim.” I whispered.

“What?” Rambles looked at me aghast, “Why the bundle of bones first and not us?”

“Because I need to get him to Blue-Gill Bay, and when I do a hot chick is going to owe me a favor.”

“Harold, you in there?” I heard the voice of Ribs speak from outside the door as he fumbled with the locked doorknob. But there was something off about it. It was like he was being forced to say the words he was speaking. It was too late to save him, the Princess already had him.

“Yeah.” I responded as Arngrim made his way down the rope.

“Mind letting me in? I’ve got those clothes for you.”

“Yeah, sure! Give me a minute.” I answered back. It was Rambles’ turn down the rope.

“Gah!” Rambles cried out as he pulled himself through the destroyed windowsill. Apparently I had missed some glass.

“Who was that? It sounded like a man! My beloved is in his room with another man…” I heard a woman begin panting heavily beyond my doorway. It was the Princess, my once betrothed Kaithlyn. I had never heard her voice before, but she sounded cute. Shame my entire body was screaming at me to run.

One moment, the door was there. The next, it was on the floor. The amount force behind the Princess’ kick to achieve such a feat was simply mind boggling. Talk about a one woman SWAT team. For the moment, we regarded one another. As much as my mind urged me to flee, my legs were frozen to the floor. The whole while, she looked me over with the hungry gaze of a lion that had just sighted a gazelle. Before I could even react, she bolted forward. I was a goner.

Or at least, I would have been one were it not for Kaithlyn not watching where she ran. In an instant, her charge was interrupted by her falling face down in the puddle of piss just inside of my room. Now was my chance! More out of instinct than thought, I leapt out of my room through the gap that was once a window.

“Arngrim catch me!” I yelled out as I plummeted towards the ground.

“Yes master!” my servant called out below me.

The good news is that my skeletal servant caught me. The bad news is that his arms broke off from the impact of my fall. A flurry of curses flew from my mouth as I pushed myself to my feet. I chanced a glance up to the window from which I fell and saw the Princess sliding down our makeshift rope. I looked to my two companions.

“Run!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

Strangely, no guards blocked our escape as we made like a trio of hounds with our tails caught on fire and bolted deeper into the city in the dark. The occasional lanterns affixed atop metal poles were lit along the sides of the streets, providing some light with which to see. Very few people meandered the streets at this time of night, and those that did cheered our frantic chase with drunken abandon. A quick glance behind me as I pumped my legs for all their worth was enough to send chills down my spine. The Princess was in hot pursuit and gaining. At that moment, I deeply regretted quitting track in my sophomore year in high school. With little choice, I did the only thing I could.

I tripped Rambles.

“Harold help me!” The man cried out as he fell, the poor fool not even realizing that it was me who left him for the dogs.

“You shall be rewarded in Heaven!” I yelled back at him as Arngrim and I continued on. Once more I looked back to see if my distraction would prove worthwhile. The Princess barely regarded the man trembling upon the ground as she leapt over him and continued her pursuit of her prime target. Me.

“Arngrim.” I spoke to the skeleton running beside me.

“Yes master?”

“Stop her!” I cried out frantically. I’d use everything at my disposal to escape from that mad Princess, even the skeleton I was supposed to escort. In an instant, my skeletal companion ceased running and turned to face the woman barreling towards him. He held his arms open as if to catch her.

“Hold m’la-” Was all he could utter before the sounds of bones clacking together sounded behind me. I looked back just in time to see her charge right through Arngrim, sending his bones scattering all around the road. “I did my best master!” he yelled as my cadaverous companion’s cranium careened passed. As it rolled along the ground, I scooped the skull up and tossed it behind me in the hope of hitting the Princess.

Alas, I missed the target.

“Why do you run my beloved?!” Kaithlyn cried out from behind me as we raced through the empty streets.

“The man is supposed to pursue the woman! Not the other way around!” I grabbed a lamp post and used it to spin into a sharp turn down a side road. “I’m not comfortable with reversing gender roles at this point in our relationship!”

“Can our love not transcend the boundaries which constitute a typical relationship?” A quick glance behind me showed that she mimicked my moves exactly. Only she was faster and, apparently, much more physically fit. Honestly, you’d think that a Princess that spent her entire life pampered by everyone wouldn’t be such a monster in the stamina department.

“Only if we first got to know each other better! As it is, we’ve only known each other for an hour or two at best!” I leapt over some crates that had been left out overnight. The sound of the boxes splintering made me look behind me. “Oh what the fuck.” I gasped as the Princess had smashed her way through them. That wasn’t normal people strength at work, something was more than a bit off here.

“My love, I’m more than willing to get to know you as intimately as possible!” She cried out without sounding the least bit exerted. I envied her, my breath was beginning to run ragged and my legs felt like they had been dipped in molten lava.

“And normally I’d be totally down with that!” I cut into another side street lined with buildings and raced down the length of it before being forced to stop. A building stood in front of me shrouded in darkness, the herald to my doom. A dead end. I swear I could feel my heart skip a beat, or ten, at that moment. Slowly, I turned around and faced the entrance of the street

“We are destined to be together my hero. My love.” She grinned as she made her way towards me with slow, tantalizing steps. She had me cornered with nearly no viable options left to escape. I briefly considered tackling her legs out from under her and making my escape in the ensuing chaos. But if those boxes she barreled through were any indicator, that plan would be doomed to fail. “Why bother fleeing from the inevitable?”

“Because I’m just not ready for such a commitment at this point in my life.” I stood tall in defiance as she stopped directly in front of me. Hunger burned within her eyes. A true man faces his fears with his head held high, not that I held my head too high, the Princess was a bit shorter than me after all. And never mind the shaking legs, thats just the adrenaline wearing off. Kaithlyn then reached out with a hand and stroked my face in a loving caress.

“Sometimes, beloved, destiny is forced upon us. As it was for me when you barged into my room. My dazzling hero…” Before I could even utter a word, she rushed forward and stood upon her toes to reach my face with her own. Our lips locked as she stared deeply into my eyes with ferocious passion. The gripping fear that I felt overpowering at such close range. Mustering all my courage and strength, I pushed her away.

“No…we shouldn’t…” I gasped as she giggled and tried pressing herself right back into another kiss. Her hands ran down the back of my dress and firmly grabbed my buttocks. I wanted to weep from how unclean I felt from her touch. But as the Jersey Boys once sang, big girls don’t cry. Not that I was a girl, dammit I had to get out of this dress, it was affecting my mental state. “I don’t even know how old you are.”

Kaithlyn smiled as she pinched my rear, causing me to yelp out in surprise. “If you must know, my love, I am sixteen cycles old!” She grinned. No wonder my body broke out in a chill whenever I was in Kaithlyn’s presence, it instinctively knew she was jail bait.

“Oh hell no.” I’ve heard rumors that when faced with extreme duress, the body’s muscles can go superhuman. One example would be allowing a single person the ability to lift a car to save someone else. In that moment, my desire to not go to jail was so great that I easily plucked myself from the Princess’ perverse clutches.

“My love why won’t you return my feelings?!” She cried out in dismay as I pushed her away.

“Because I don’t want to go to jail! No means no! You’re too young to get involved with!” I firmly stated as I wagged my finger at her.

“…And how old do I have to be for you to accept me?” She raised a brow towards me and crossed her arms.

“Eighteen.” I sighed and walked away. I knew that even though sixteen was technically legal in many states, it never held up in court. The sound of rapid footsteps approached behind me and I felt a pair of hands wrap their way around my right arm.

“Then in two years time I shall make you mine, my love. You will find that I can be quite the patient woman.” The Princess sighed happily at my side and leaned her head upon my arm. I didn’t have it in me to tell her that I was planning on peacing out as soon as I offed the Demon Lord. Nor did I have the heart to tell her that she still faintly smelled of piss from her fall in my room.