《Words on a Screen》Chapter Eighteen: Cross-Dressed Lovers
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“It feels so weird to be on school grounds!” Masumi smiled up at Yui as he said it. He hadn’t been able to keep his eyes off of her for long, especially with how she looked in her new coat. The weather was cloudy and cool, but if anything, that just made her look cooler. “It’s like there’s nobody here, like, when you’re playing one of those games after the world has ended and you’re just...alone. Y’know?”
“I do.” Yui smiled at him as they approached the small building that sat adjacent to the sports fields, a little away from Retsuko Academy itself. It sat at one story, with wooden beams all across the outside and a slanted roof that creaked ever so slightly in the wind. “But there may be other students inside, so you may want to keep your voice down until we get to my room.”
“Got it!” Masumi nodded. “I wish we’d gotten here earlier, ‘cause I’ll have to go back home soon...” He said, with a glance at the slowly dimming fields around them.
“We will have to make the most of the time we have.” Yui said, as she unlocked the front door of the building. The hallway beyond was just a few feet long, with a place for Masumi to leave his shoes before they walked through into the living room. The space was quite small, with a few chairs around a table and a kitchen up against one wall and a door on either side. “These are the girls’ dorms.” She introduced the right door with another key and the four doors beyond.
“I didn’t know that many students lived here.” Masumi said. “That means eight, right? If the boys have the same.”
“Not quite. The dorms can hold six of us; the last door is the bathroom. It has a sink, a shower, and a toilet, and that’s for us to share.” Yui strolled to the far end of the hall and started to unlock the last door. “The boys have the same on their side. It can be difficult to get access, especially in the morning, but you can always run to the school proper and use the bathrooms there. Supposing Mr Nimu has opened the doors.”
“Um, who’s that?” Masumi did his best to peer around Yui, but he wasn’t having much success.
“He’s the school janitor.” Yui said, as she tilted her head as Masumi then placed her hand on the door. “Have you ever been in a girl’s room, Masumi?”
“Uhh, no. My mom doesn’t count, right?” Masumi tilted his head.
“Not quite.” Yui laughed softly. “Well, prepare yourself.” She said, then slowly pushed open the door to her bedroom and strolled inside. There wasn’t much room for her to go, between the bed, the desk, and the wardrobe, so she span around and leaned against the desk beneath the window. Masumi slipped inside after her, closing the door behind him and taking in the room.
“It’s, um. Small?” Masumi pointed out, as his eyes moved along the walls. There were posters all over them, of characters he didn’t recognize, although all had similarities in that they were of adorable girls with flat chests and almost excessively feminine outfits.
“I hadn’t noticed.” Yui stretched her arms and bumped her hand against the wardrobe. “I know it’s not much, but it is my home.”
“Your home?” Masumi asked, as he looked around for somewhere to sit and hesitated beside the bed. “But don’t you only stay here for the school terms? I mean, it’s nice, and I like it, and these sheets are nice, but, um, what about your actual home?”
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“This is my actual home.” Yui shifted away from the wall and sat beside Masumi on the bed. It sunk a little with her weight. “I think there’s something I should tell you, Masumi, that I don’t typically tell people. And it’s not something you should be worried about, not more than me, in any case, but you should be ready for it regardless.”
“You’re doing that thing.” Masumi furrowed his brow. “When you talk weird.”
“Am I? Oh well.” Yui said. “Are you prepared?”
Masumi bit his lip and nodded silently. Despite her insistence to the contrary, he had a feeling it was going to be something to do with him.
“The reason this is my home is...I do not have another one.” Yui met Masumi’s eyes with a steady gaze. “I have not had a real home for as long as I can remember. I have moved from orphanage to orphanage, and school to school, whenever there has been space for me among the students and in free housing.”
Masumi blinked slowly, as a hundred questions rushed to the forefront of his mind. He licked his lips and tenatively reached out to place his hand on Yui’s. She turned it over and clasped his hand in hers – and although she wasn’t showing her emotions, he could feel the faint moisture on her palm.
“You’re an orphan?” Masumi found himself asking. He knew it was stupid and obvious, but it was all he could say.
“My parents died in a car crash when I was very young.” Yui explained, her voice practiced. “I do not know my extended family, if I have one, but I was quickly moved into orphanages and from there, into whatever educational facilities would have me. My only family has been the friends I’ve made along the way.”
“But...you’re popular.” Masumi frowned.
“Don’t think I’m not aware of how unusual that is. Thus, the deception.” Yui smiled, but it was a little less sweet than Masumi had come to expect. “I learned from a young age that people wouldn’t take to me when they found out. The best I could expect was pity from my teachers, the officials who had to deal with me, and the worst...well, I’m certain you can imagine how bad it could get. Suffice to say, I eventually decided that there was something I had to do about it.”
“What’s that?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Yui laughed. “I simply lied about it, when I came here. I tell everyone that I wanted to be here, that my parents are simply elsewhere, and they believe me. I wish that it being so easy made me feel better about the fact that I have to lie about who I am, but it doesn’t. The fact that all it would have taken to ensure that all of my friendships never happened is to have introduced myself as an orphan makes it...empty, somehow.”
“But, they still care about you, don’t they?” Masumi asked, as he did his best to keep Yui’s eyes drifting away from him. “If you told them now, they’d still like you. I still like you. I don’t care.”
“Perhaps they would be better than I think, but I’m not certain of it.” Yui said. “And I wouldn’t want to risk it, not while I’ve still got so long here. Perhaps when we’re all older and one’s parents stop mattering, I can share. With those who’d keep in contact with me. But, it’s safer this way, don’t you think?”
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“I...maybe.” Masumi said. “But, um. I know that I don’t mind, so you, uh, don’t have to worry about that.” He offered her a smile. Part of him was happy that he had the opportunity to help Yui, to be somebody he trusts. But the rest of him was filled with the same kind of anxiety that rose in him when a test was coming up, when his empty streams had gotten to him. It was the knowledge that there was a problem and he was going to have to be the one to shoulder it.
“I didn’t think I would.” Yui’s smile was joined by a light in her eyes. “You’re remarkably blind to these kinds of things, Masumi. It’s one of the things I like about you very much.”
“Um, what d’you mean?”
“Well...you have a lot of money.” Yui said. “You live in a big house, with your own ofuro, with a lot of games systems, monitors, an allowance that you can use to buy whatever you wish whenever you wish, a wardrobe deeper than any girl in these dorms...but you don’t have any ego to go with it. Sometimes it doesn’t seem as though you’re aware of how lucky you are to have those things, or parents that can provide you with them.”
“Oh...” Masumi said. “Is that, um, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
“Of course it’s a good thing. If you had even an inkling of cruelty in you, that ignorance could have emerged in any number of ways. You might have looked down on those who don’t have money, or emerged with the kinds of beliefs that made me afraid to talk to people about who I am in the first place. That, because I have no parents, I must be lazy, or they were, or...” She sighed. “I don’t want to repeat them. But you should know how lovely you are, Masumi.”
“I, um, I’m glad I’m not a jerk, then!” Masumi smiled as brightly as he could manage.
“Me too.” Yui nodded. “And, not just because you’ve bought me things, like lunch, this coat...I appreciate them, but they’re small compared to your nature. That’s the best thing about you.”
Masumi felt himself starting to blush, but couldn’t look away. “Thanks...um...so, the reason that you have all of your part-time jobs is to make money so you can spend time with other kids, right?”
“That’s the main reason.” Yui nodded. “I have no allowance to spend. And, the harder I work, the more people like me. If I were to tell people that I don’t have the money to go out for ice cream or the arcade, then they’d judge me. But when I tell them that I’m working at the library, or the hospital, then they have a little more respect for me. It almost makes me sound like a sociopath, I’m sure, but...”
“No, not at all!” Masumi shook his head, making his fluffy hair bounce. “It’s not your fault that you have to lie about things! If people are just going to make you miserable if you tell them the truth, then some white lying is okay! And as long as you tell people who care about you, then that’s even better. You wouldn’t even feel guilty if you were a sociopath, and that’s a fact.”
“I’m not entirely sure that’s the case...but, in lieu of a medical professional, I’ll take it. Thank you.” Yui laughed softly and ran her thumb over the back of Masumi’s hand. “And thank you, again, for taking this so well. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while. I think perhaps it was the reason I reacted so much to...recent events. I was planning on doing it, and then that happened.”
“That’s okay.” Masumi squeezed the girl’s hand. “It’s all sorted out now and we can do the stuff that we were going to do anyway, and we’re more comfortable, so that’s good, right?”
“It is.” Yui nodded. “But one more thing – I appreciate how well you’ve taken this. I’ve watched you enough to know when you’re nervous and you didn’t start freaking out. Not even a little bit.”
Yui giggled nervously. “Um, well, not on the outside! But it’s not your fault, it’s jus-”
“It’s just you. I know.”
“Yeah.” Masumi looked down at their locked hands. “But, um, just to be sure, there aren’t any other dark secrets that’ll come out today, right? I don’t know if I have the strength for any more stuff.”
“Then I shall avoid mentioning the corpse in my wardrobe.”
Masumi stuck his tongue out at her. “Yeah, you do that.”
“But is it up to you to ignore the stench.”
“Stop that or I’ll think you’re serious!”
“And the spooky ghost that now haunts these halls.”
“Right! I’m checking!” Masumi twisted around on the bed and crawled over to Yui’s wardrobe, then pulled it open to reveal a perfectly ordinary collection of clothes with a few pairs of shoes on the bottom. “See? No bodies in here. So you can stop teasing me with that!”
Yui peered over the boy’s shoulder and made a thinking noise. “I suppose The Cleaner must have visited and taken it out for me. I must remember to leave a gift thanking it for its work.”
“It?” Masumi didn’t turn to look at Yui, as his eyes were drawn to a pair of posters. There was one on either door and, much like the posters on the walls, featured a pair of cute girls posing for an imaginary camera.
“Nobody really knows from where The Cleaner came.” Yui said. “Only that it exists, comes crawling out of the shadows to clean up after any of those with shadows in their heart. Some say that it was the old janitor of Retsuko Academy, who was slain by their last victim and now seeks to ensure no others meet the same fate as it...”
“How d’you come up with this stuff?” Masumi laughed as he closed the door and unsteadily shifted his balance back to the bed proper.
“There are a lot of long nights in this dormitory.” Yui explained, as she turned around and crossed her legs. Even sitting, she loomed over him. “If nobody is busy and there’s not a lot of time left until we sleep, we gather in the main room and play games. Ghost stories are a particular favorite.”
“That sounds like fun!” Masumi smiled.
“It is. I have a reputation for the scariest stories. Perhaps because there are so many horrible things that happen in the real world.” Yui said. “There are all too many tales of journalists going missing, and I’d rather like to avoid that happening to me.”
“Yeah, um, me too. You could take up self-defense classes! Like this girl here!” He tapped his finger on the wall beside the bed, which feaured a girl in a frilly dress performing a high-powered kick.
“I have considered it. Perhaps for college.” Yui shrugged. “But perhaps not from her. She’s far too delicate.”
“Whysat?” Masumi leaned back against his palms. “Who are all of these characters, anyway? I don’t know any of them and I don’t think they’re from games or anything...”
“They’re not.” Yui followed Masumi’s gaze around the room. “They’re basically poster-girls made just for appearing in them. They’re part of a relatively niche market, but they serve their purpose.” She shrugged. “Although one of the things I like about them is that they’re not really girls.”
“Monster-girls?” Masumi guessed.
Yui smiled and shook her head. “No, they’re crossdressers.”
Masumi’s felt butterflies forming in his stomach as he took in the sight of Yui surrounded by posters of crossdressing. He shifted back into a properly seated position and bit his bottom lip.
“Um, why do you have a bunch of posters of them?”
“I enjoy them, because they’re pretty.” Yui said. “I’ve liked them since before I started going to high school. I’m not entirely sure why...I simply saw one one day, when I was allowed an orphanage allowance, and it was on sale, so I purchased it. They have these little cards with them that tell you about the characters, mine are tucked away somewhere, and I’d read that a few times. I used to wonder what it would be like to have a friend who was like the boys in these posters.” She scratched her neck and shrugged. “I used to think it was a silly idea, but...here you are.”
“Right.” Masumi nodded his head and looked at the wall above Yui’s bed. There was another poster there, of a boy with flowing black locks clad in a long summer dress. He was enjoying his romp through a field of flowers. It was cute, Masumi could tell that, but something about it was unsettling his stomach. “Do you, um, do you still collect them?”
“Not nearly as many now, no.” Yui admitted. “I don’t have the space for any more and I couldn’t stand to take any of them down. And it’s rare to find them on sale – these ones are from discount boxes and things like that. I suppose I could afford a couple more if I kept some of my work money aside, and there weren’t any emergency supplies for school, but...I think I’d rather spend them on the things we do together.”
“That’s nice.” Masumi bobbed his head. “Do you, um, do you have any more stuff like these?” He crawled around Yui so that he was at the edge of the bed and nodded at one of the posters. “Y’know, like, with crossdressing boys in them?”
“Actually, I do.” Yui nodded. “Some of my books feature crossdressing boys, most of them fictional, although there are some non-fiction accounts about traditions of it around the world. Not a lot of it is interesting from a cuteness perspective, which disappointed a younger me very much.” She laughed as she leaned back. “But it’s interesting from a cultural perspective, I suppose. The best ones are the romances, and things like that.”
“How much of that kind of stuff is there?” Masumi asked with eyes wide. “It’s not the kind of thing that’s that popular, is it?”
“No, not really. Most of it is modern – from the last fifty years or so – and I suppose I’m lucky to have been born in the right time period to get all of this stuff.” Yui paused. “I know that there are mangas that heavily feature it, but that would require a trip to Kyoto, or else using the school computers. And actually looking at it, well...the school has a filter on the internet.”
“A filter?” Masumi furrowed his brow, then blinked at Yui. “You mean that there’s a lot of...lewd mangas about boys who wear girl clothes?”
“Apparently.” Yui nodded. “A lot of it is from the perspective of, well, yaoi. That’s not the kind that I’d be looking for, but it is one of the more popular kinds. And then there’s the stuff about boys who enjoy crossdressing just for the, what did you say? Lewd?”
“Um, yeah.”
“Just for those aspects. I suppose I’d want the ones that feature the kind of relationship we have. Where there’s a cute boy who likes crossdressing and a girl who enjoys that sort of thing. I hope there is that sort of thing, when I can actually buy those sorts of things.” Yui shrugged.
“That sounds like it could be good, for you, to, um, read.” Masumi crossed his legs and let the silence hang for a second.
“...sorry, am I speaking too candidly?” Yui asked, and Masumi froze.
“I, um, maybe?”
“Oh.” Yui sat upright. “I apologize. I feel so comfortable with you that I suppose my mouth decided to run. I don’t mean to upset you.”
“No, it’s fine, it’s fine.” Masumi forced a smile. “How, um. Have you known any other boys who do this kind of thing?”
Yui shook her head. “Just you.”
“Right, I guess it’s not the kind of thing you even know about if you don’t go looking for it...” Masumi stared at his hands in his laps and watched his fingers tap against one another. The butterflies in his stomach had only grown more ferocious and he was doing his best to distract himself from their murmuring. “Is it, um, something you look for in boys, when you look at boys? If they’d look good in a dress.”
“I don’t, no. It’s not something that dominates most of my thoughts.” Yui said. “Sometimes it will happen, but when I look at boys normally I think...oh, that’s a boy. And go on with my day. I assume that’s what most people do.”
Masumi giggled shakily. “Yeah, that makes sense. So you, um, do you have a lot of lewd thoughts about this kind of thing?” He asked. “If, um, you said that you were probably gonna buy those kinds of books when you could so that makes me think that maybe it’s a thing that’s going to happen.”
“I’m not entirely sure...” Yui scratched her neck as she looked at Masumi. “I don’t think it’s a lewd thing. Not a mostly lewd thing. It’s nice to look at something so cute and think that you would like to cuddle with it.”
“But there are lewd parts, right?”
“I suppose there are...” Yui met Masumi’s eyes. “It’s not something I talk about with anyone. I assume you’re the same.”
“Y-Yeah. That’s not something I think anyone likes to talk about a lot...”
“So you understand how awkward it is.” Yui smiled earnestly. “But...yes, I’ve had thoughts like that. It’s not something wrong, I hope.”
“No, um, that’s, everyone does it.” Masumi said. “You hear the things that people say in the locker room when getting changed and that’s, um, so I hear a lot of that kind of thing, but from the side that’s opposite to yours, I guess...”
“That happens in ours, too.” Yui smirked. “I have no idea why it happens, but I suppose they enjoy it, and everyone’s a little bit more excitable following exercise. Is it something you experience?”
“I, uh, is it...” Masumi cleared his throat. “I...it’s not all the time, and, like, I do it most nights out of the week, so I don’t get, uh, excited about it a lot, but I do have those kinds of thoughts sometimes, but, like, I, uh...it’s...embarrassing.”
“You don’t have to talk about it.” Yui brushed her hand against Masumi’s once more and he felt a tingle spread up his arm. “If there is anything that you’re entitled to your privacy regarding, it’s that.”
“Right! Thank you.” Masumi offered her a smile and felt his cheeks turn bright pink. He returned the gesture by brushing his thumb against her hand. It was a nice feeling, but did nothing for the cacophony of worries bouncing around inside his skull.
“You look very cute when you blush.” Yui said, as she shifted a little bit closer to Masumi. He felt the mattress sink, moving him a little closer to the tall girl.
“Um, thank you.” Masumi bit his lip and turned his gaze up into hers.
“And when you bite your lips you just look even more adorable...”
Masumi couldn’t find the words to respond, so he just nodded. Yui was leaning in closer, their hands pressed more tightly against one another, and he could feel her breath scattering across his face just before their lips would touch.
He threw himself off of the bed and scrambled back to his feet. Their hands lost their connection and Yui was behind him. He spun around t face her, and she was still sitting, staring at him as he breathed heavily.
“Masumi?” Yui asked, to break the silence that had just formed. “Are you alright? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“I-I it’s...you can’t do that!” Masumi pointed a finger at Yui and shifted his weight from foot to foot. “It’s not okay, you can’t just, just, try and...” His eyes flicked once more across the posters put up on all of Yui’s walls, at the girl perched on the edge of her bed, then he reached for the door handle. He pulled it open and scampered down the hall. He could hear her voice behind him, but he wouldn’t let himself listen.
Her footsteps were coming up the hall as he threw himself into the small corridor at the front door, pulled his shoes on as quickly as he could manage, and ran away from the dormitories as fast as his legs could carry him. He couldn’t see Yui, but he could feel her gaze on his back.
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