“Thanks mom, that was absolutely delicious.”

“Why thank you dear.”

“No I mean seriously, you should open a restaurant or something. Your cooking is fucking amazing!”

‘Mom’ looked at me completely in shock for some reason.

“I mean your cooking really is that good. Just whatever you do, don’t open a restaurant in pallet town!” I called over my shoulder while departing.

Ben had already left the house before his mother had the chance to squeak out the words she had never used before: “L- language!”

Another level 2 and level 3 Rattata later and Ben was back in Viridian city, with a now level 8 Balbasaur. Curiously, on his way, he noticed one of the previous ‘fainted’ Rattata’s that he had taken out, was still lying there unconscious. Wasn’t the game gonna clear that out at some point?

Also for some reason, when he first summoned his Bulbasaur, it had been strangely drunk or dizzy for a while there. Go figure.

Ben checked back in by the pokeshop where the lady behind the counter had given him the parcel quest and sure enough, now he could buy stuff. So he purchased three paralyze heals and 3 antidote potions. He liked to be prepared.

This left him with 2180P.

Leaving there, he searched a bit more at the edge of the town and encountered an old man that was annoying kind enough to teach him how to use pokeballs to beat senseless catch pokemon.

He also found out that Viridian city gym was closed. Guess it's up to me to go find Brock and drag his useless lazy ass back here to do his damn job. Or was it another gym leader? Nah, I’m pretty sure the first one is Brock.

Heading out of town in search of my long time anime mate, Brock. I soon came upon an interesting building. It had a row of fancy windows near the top, set just under its roof, and a large entrance meant for, I guess, a lot of foot traffic?

Upon entering, aside from two girls in here, there was nothing else really going on. Just a dumb empty square room, save for the occasional pot plant and table and chair. What is the point of this?

As I exited the building I passed under a sign that said ‘To Viridian forest’.

Looking around, all I could see was forest and bushes. Shit. This is that annoying part of the game where you go bushwacking for days.

First thing I did was talk to some kid who told me that he came here with his overly zealous bug pokemon friends, because of course, who wouldn’t want to be friends with people who only like bug pokemon!

And then he informs me that they are all itching for some battles.

Well I did know it was going to turn out that way, so whatever.

My first encounter sifting my way through tall bushes to go pick up a health potion that had just been left out in the middle of the forest, for some reason or another, was a level 4 weedle. It just used string shot to lower my speed the whole time, which didn’t really matter since my response was basically to just kill it. Dead.

“Hey! You have pokemon, come on! Let’s battel ‘em!”

The first bug brain it seems had spotted me. Fine, accost some random stranger, go ahead, but bitch, I am gonna fleece you of those pokedollars!

And so it was, that bug catcher Rick - the prick, sent out his first level 6 weedle. Given that his weedle would likely throw some string shots at me, I decided to simply go all in and rapid tackle him. Turned out to be a good choice, since he started throwing those damn annoying poison sting attacks at Bulby.

Taking down the weedle netted me a nice level 9 before Rick the prick brought out his final level 6 Caterpie. That also soon fell.

Further in, after finding an antidote lying around on a path, I had to deal with another bug brain. Bug catcher Doug sent out a level 7 weedle, also easily dispatched, putting Bulby up to level 10 and granting him access to vinewhip. Yay.

Bulby wasn’t looking so hot anymore, so I tried having him leech seed Doug’s next pokemon, another level 7 Weedle. It turned into a catastrophe though, a surprising critical hit from the damn worm sent Bulby into the red.

His successful leech seed was now out of its depth, so rather than risk getting beaten and have to go back to the damn hospital, or maybe even be blinked out of existence for all I know, I used a potion on the next move.

I quickly reached into my bag and pulled out a potion. Surprisingly, the Weedle didn’t attack at all, it just kind of patiently waited there. I guess this thing is sort of turn based after all. Not quite sure what else to do, I uncorked the bottle and spilled it all over Bulby. Judging by the rapidly regenerating health bar, it seemed to work.

Alright, back in business! Weedle took another shot at the almost fully healed Bulby, but the damage it was doing was mostly being regenerated by the implanted leech seed.

I continued to wittle it down using tackle at that point. Vine whip being a grass attack would likely not be very useful against these bug types.

And then there was Kakhuna, level 7. No point in not leech seeding that thing to generate some health, this could take a while after all. Also leech seed, being a special attack would not be affected by all the Kakhuna’s hardens. By the end the leech seed drain was doing as much damage as the tackles.

And level 11 was mine!

“Hey kid”

Idiot bug catcher number 47, codename Doug regarded me curiously.

“Don’t you use pokeballs to catch your bug pokemon?”

“Yep” He nodded his head vigorously.

“Then why the heck are you carrying that bug net around?”

“Dunno. It’s just part of my costume I guess.”

I all of a sudden don’t know how I feel about NPC’s willingly breaking the 4th wall.

A little later: “I might be little, but I won’t like it if you go easy on me!”

Don’t worry Bug catcher Anthony. I won’t!

After beating him and Bug catcher Charlie and Sammy and one or two wild caterpie later, Ben finally found the exit to that annoying forest. Bulbasaur had, himself, just hit level 13.

The end in sight, I quickly made my way through the last few bushes, eager to get out of here.

‘Crunch’

A sickening wet sound resounded in my ears, the sensation originating from under my left foot.

Looking down, well, I will keep this PG and say no more than that there is a Caterpie, that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. God that’s going to be so difficult to clean off!

Entering another one of those silly buildings that feel like they’d be better served as toll booths or something, a quickly made my way through it and to the other side, this time purposefully ignoring the other people here and at least pretending not to notice the green stains I was leaving on the carpeted floor.

Finally arriving into Pewter city, after healing up Bulby, I went around doing the runs, talking to all the idiots in town.

Let’s see, there was some hinting about team rocket, mount moon, moon stones and Clefairy. There was lots of not so subtle hinting about learning an HM in the near future. There was one girly subtly hinting about how weak pokemon can surprise you and turn out strong *cough*Magikarp*cough*. And then there was the girl right next to her that not so subtly told me where to buy one for 500P.

Before I went in search of my Magikarp, I grabbed two sleep heals from the store clerk. I wonder if this old man will sell me two magikarps, so that I can keep one for sushi.

Of course after searching the whole bloody town, there was no old man selling Magikarp, only a bunch of clowns explaining game mechanics that I already knew about. And not because I had prior knowledge playin the game, but because their idiot friends the previous town over told me all this shit already. I swear, sometimes this game feels like it was designed for people with learning disabilities. I mean I’m all for inclusiveness, just as long as you exclude me!

After thoroughly exploring the museum that charged me 50 bucks just to enter, I was left feeling cheated after finding nothing of interest there. Yeah, not really one for flavour text.

Oh well, guess it's off to the Gym then, which turned out to be the actual Brock gym. My bad. Inside the whole place felt like some kind of a coliseum, with its dirt floor, rocky paths and marble statues. And then the effect is ruined when the noob twerp: Camper Liam suddenly challenges you, while talking trash.

Camper Liam hey. Yeah that totally makes sense the way the little shit was just camping that corner, waiting to strike.

“Liam”

“Yes”, Liam asked slightly perplexed.

“Your Mother!”

“What about my mother? Is she sick?”

“Never mind.” Fucking PG game.

Liam called out his first pokemon, a level 10 Geodude. Naturally I began with a leech seed, which he responded with a tackle. Looking at the damage exchange, I was getting about half of it back, so my higher level Bulby can probably pull this off.

I then used a vinewhip for its type advantage and…

Outright stomped the Geodude. The bonus critical hit I scored one-shotted him. Oh well, so much for leech seed.

Liam’s answer to this was of course a level 11 Sandshrew, because that would totally solve it! I never did understand these Type specific Gyms. Of course people were gonna pitch up here with trained pokemon of an advantageous type, what did you clowns think was going to happen?

Also, if you guys spend all your time battling, kind of the whole point of a gym, then why are you so fucking weak? I started half a day ago and I’m already walking up and down your ass!

Maybe you guys are simply losing every single one of your fights and not getting any XP? Actually that makes a whole lot of sense.

Opening up with leech seed, Sandshrew responded with a scratch that landed its own crit. I was a bit concerned, but then realised that for some reason leech seed was pulling in 4 HP this time, unlike the last fight where it was only pulling 3HP. Sandshrew must have a lower SP defence or something.

Oh well, works for me. Following up with another vinewhip and another lucky crit with type advantage and Sandshrew was also one-shotted. Now I really am wasting my time with the leech seeds.

There was at least enough total XP from that fight to push Bulby to level 14.

I decided to pop back to the pokecenter to heal up my Bulby before challenging Brock. Wouldn’t want to face a Gym leader at 60% HP.

“So you’re here. I’m Brock. I’m Pewter’s gym leader.”

“My rock-hard willpower is evident even in my pokemon.”

So basically you have rocks for brains and so do your pokemon.

“My pokemon are all rock hard, and have true-grit determination.”

“That’s right - my pokemon are all the Rock type!”

Nooooooooo! I would never have guessed! Also why are you saying that so proudly, I’m about to whip your ass with a single pokemon for that very reason.

“Fuhaha! You’re going to challenge me knowing that you’ll lose?”

Ignorance is bliss.

“That’s the trainer’s honor that compels you to challenge me.”

Actually I just want my badge. Although crushing a dumb-ass like you is a bonus.

“Fine, then! Show me your best!”

He’s nothing like his anime counterpart.

Caterpie stared at the puddle of green goop and entrails before him. This had been his life long mate.

Usurpers always come. They always take.

Even though the one’s they take are normally happy and cared for.

But now. His mate lay before him. Broken. She will never be happy again. She will never be cared for. Will never flaunt her beautiful spots again.

The Usurpers have come. And they have defiled her. Now they are the defilers.

Caterpie knew what he must do. He turned the sadness, the anger, the fury welling up inside him, into something more. Into determination, into strength.

There was a journey ahead of him now. In which he must accomplish many things. But first he needed to get stronger. Which was all good, because right now he had the distinct urge to smash a few things!