《Demon King 101》Chapter 26: The hidden heart and the girl’s confession
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Snow keeps falling without rest as I make my way across the Darkwood forest. Using a crutch is no easy task, but since I'm about 95% healed, I don't have much problem walking through the forest's soil. Only the cold bothers me, but eventually, I get used to it and stop my mental whining.
It's just a hunch, but I have a feeling that she is here…Deborah is here. While it maybe simply a mere hunch, I have some clues to justify showering myself under the Winter snow like this. The last time Deborah ran away from home, I got lucky and met her in this forest. It's just a feeling, but I think everytime she disappears to somewhere, maybe she spends those time sulking in that place. Let's put aside the bad stuff that happened to me that time, I need to recall my memory and locate the exact location.
With a mental Remembrance spell, I retrace my footsteps of the past, and finally find myself at my intended destination.
The place in which I was confirmed to be Deborah's familiar.
Thanks to the spell earlier, I remember the events that day like it was yesterday. The demonic hyenas, Deborah's dramatic entry, our verbal fights, the "test", and Kardia's appearance. Heh, when I think about it again, that was quite a day I had.
But the future is still going on, there's a lot of blank pages waiting to be filled with memorable memories like that day. Maybe today will be one of those.
Before me lies Deborah's own little haven. The place is surrounded by bushes and bushes of flowers, with various colors and genera, enough to make this place a flower garden within a forest. Despite the start of winter, the flowers seem unharmed by the cold and the snow. When I take a closer look, every drop of snow gets diverted from the bushes by some magic barrier, made with Image Magic on the ground to prevent them from dying.
Only one person would care enough to do this. That very person is lying her back against the biggest tree in the middle of this place. She's soundly sleeping without any care to the world around her. There's this peaceful aura around her, like a sleeping beauty. There's no sign that shows the girl is even a bit bothered by the cold.
"…"
The girl's sleeping face is like an angel, molded by nature to become perfection itself. Her long dazzling red hair only helps to make her beauty more noticeable. If she doesn't have a such cranky personality, I would actually believe Walpurga's words about her having secret admirers. But that's not my business.
I'd like to wake her up right now, but I decide to enjoy the view instead. Watching her sleep peacefully like this, it kinda makes all of my worries temporary go away, even just a bit.
However, it seems like having someone constantly staring at her makes the girl uncomfortable. She opens her right eye, just her right eye, and stares at me. No reactions, no "Gyaaah! A pervert who watch girls sleeping!" bullshit, just a plain staring contest.
"Wakey wakey."
I whisper to the girl with a bored tone. The girl doesn't bother to answer back. She just yawns and stays there, still with her back by the tree. There's a novel on her lap, presumably her favourite one. It's rare to see her being this unmotivated.
"People built beds for a reason, you know?"
"I'm just taking a quick nap."
With an equally bored tone, the girl answers and yawns again. This is like a verbal fight between two lazy grannies.
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"I thought you wanted to get yourself a cold instead."
Seriously, how can she sleep in this kind of weather, and right in the middle of the forest? I can't sense any protective barrier to keep the girl warm around her napping area. It's like she doesn't even bother to protect herself from the harsh winter and decide to face it head on, cold be damned!
"I would love to experience it for once, since I've never get sick before."
Well, people always say idiots don't catch cold. Of course, telling her about that isn't any different than asking for a death sentence.
"Well, I hope you can get what you want."
I answer. It will be nice to see her bedridden from a cold for once. It's getting boring when I'm the one who get bedridden after every fights.
The girl doesn't look like she care enough to stand up for a proper conversation. Before I can voice my concern, the girl manages to take the first move.
"I don't feel like standing up. If you want to chat, why don't you sit down near me? I'm also in the mood for a conversation anyway."
Now that's awfully generous of her. I suspect a hidden conspiracy. It maybe a trap…
"Really? You're awfully strange today."
"Are you scared I'll bite?"
Still with a bored tone, the girl answers. She's surprisingly calm today, at least calmer than usual. Maybe her period is finally over? But seriously, it's like she a different person. The cold probably cools her temper off.
"You don't have to scare me by biting. Your current speech pattern alone is enough."
I let the crutch fall to the ground and search for a comfortable place to sit on. I end up sitting in parallel of Deborah. We don't look at each other though, and just let our mouth do the talking.
"I sound strange?"
"I don't think it stops at the sound part."
Believe it or not, I find it easier being her verbal punching bag than taking it easy like this.
"Something happened?"
I ask. The girl only smiles before answering.
"No, nothing strange happened. It's just…the way things always are."
"What does that mean?"
Deborah gives a stare to the ground as she answers.
"Iola went back home, and Caelan as well. Believe it or not, I start to miss Amadia's noisy antics. I'm not a fan of the teachers, and I don't want to go near the soldiers. And I presume you know how good my relationship with the Headmaster is."
"…!"
Ah, I get it. The girl is sad because her friends have already went home for the vacation. And certainly Deborah is not the type who would get along with the adults. The girl acts strange because she feels lonely.
"That doesn't mean you should take a nap in broad daylight, though."
"But this place soothes my mind. To me, a bed or a tree's trunk is hardly different. Beside, I need to protect the flowers from the snow."
"The flowers…"
I give a quick glance at the flower bushes.
"How could they grow in this type of land?"
"They couldn't, at first."
The girl's answer gives me the final clue I need.
"You made this little garden yourself?"
The girl puts a smile on her lips. A small prideful smile of achievement.
"Just a free-time hobby."
The girl replies. Sensing my curiosity, the girl decides to enlighten me on her works.
"The land around here was infertile. It took a while, but I did some work on the land to make it capable of growing flowers. The hard part was the seeds. I became a regular at the castle's general shop since it was the only place that complied my requests to import flower seeds. That's also how I met Fidus."
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Oh, that dog, Fidus. It's been a while since I last saw him, and that's a good thing for me. I can't defeat that dog as of now…
"Flower seeds are expensive, you know? Affording them really put a dent on my wallet. Growing them was a pain as well. But the efforts were worth it. Flowers are good…they don't judge you for who you are, and I feel calm just by looking at them. It's one of a few leisures I was allowed to have in this castle."
Suddenly, the girl starts looking at me before she continues.
"I was really mad when your girlfriend destroyed some of my flowers that day, you know? She even made a part of the land infertile again!"
Oh, Deborah is talking about the day Kardia made her entrance to this place. While I know I should pay my attention to the strange stuff happened in that day, I can't help but feel…accomplished(?) when people keep giving me girlfriends all day.
"She's not my girlfriend, you know?"
Despite my denial, I answer the girl with a little…perverted smile. Has my springtime of youth finally came?
"Oh, really?"
Deborah gives me a look of disbelief. The girl quickly gives up pursuing the subject further, though, and she just sighs knowing how meaningless it is to continue the charade.
"Oh well. I don't care."
"Then don't act like you care."
I answer. In an attempt to prove that she really doesn't care, Deborah stops talking and answers, instead just pays her attention to the flowers in front of her. The girl suddenly smiles, for unknown reasons. I guess I can never understand how a girl feel.
While it's comfortable enough with viewing flowers alone, how can a conversation be a conversation without anyone talking? With that thought in mind, I start to search for something we can talk about. Then it hits me…
"You know what, Deborah? Before I got discharged from the infirmary, a nurse who works there told me an interesting story."
As I mention the story from the nurse, Deborah's smile suddenly disappears, and her reaction reverts back to her normal, grumpy self.
"What story…?"
"She told me that…during my short coma. There was a girl who stayed by my side for two days straight, and only left at the start of the third day…the day I woke up."
"Really…? Are you sure…that's not something made up by the nurse to console you?"
I smile as I listen to Deborah's words.
"Maybe it was, I thought so at first. I don't think I'm worthy enough to have someone care for me by my sickbed. But another meeting made me have a second thought about it."
"…"
Deborah stays silent. Feeling no need to wait for an answer, I resume telling my story.
"By rare chance, I met and talked with another girl - A friend of the girl in that story, before that friend departed from the castle. That friend tried to hide it, but her words slipped and made it clear that someone made her keep it as a secret. Thanks to that, I finally got myself some clues on who might the girl in the story be."
"So…who do you think that girl is…?"
Asks Deborah. With a hidden smile, and without looking back at the girl, I answer.
"Why did you care so much for someone like me…Deborah?"
The girl falls silent. I don't want to look at her right now, knowing I will make the girl feel uncomfortable. But my ears are still working, I can hear the sound of her grabbing some snows on the ground. The silence continues. The both of us end up just looking at the scenery instead of talking.
The snowing doesn't seem like it wants to stop.
"When…did you find out?"
Suddenly, Deborah speaks.
"I'm not stupid. I have doubt at first, but the more time I spent with you, the more clearly it becomes. You don't see me as just a mere familiar, and you went great length to protect me from harm, sometime by harming me yourself. Really, I don't know what is what anymore. I want some answers from you."
I don't think her feelings are romantic in nature, but it's definitely not natural. She's overtly protective without any clear reason, like I'm her special someone or anything. And that's what bugs me.
"To be honest…I…don't know as well."
I turn back and give the girl a glance, thirsting to get a glimpse at the girl's own viewpoint.
"I hate your guts, Akuma. You're stubborn, foolish, and weak. Yet, deep inside my heart, I feel inclined to keep you safe from harm, by all means possible. I don't even know how I feel anymore."
"…"
I fall silent when I can't find any words to answer.
"When the holidays start approaching. I know when Iola, Caelan…and even Amadia leave, I will be all alone in this cold castle. Without them, a vacation inside the castle is meaningless. Before I know it, I find myself waiting…waiting for you to wake up. When all of them leave, the only person here that I trust enough is you…Akuma. You are the only one I want to talk to today."
My feelings right now is a mess. I can't make clear of myself to know what exactly is the girl's deal with her own feelings.
"You don't have family? Relatives?"
"I don't know…"
The girl answers.
"What about home? You don't have a home? An old home would be fine."
"I don't know…"
I give the girl another glance.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I don't know, really…Though…it's more precise to say that I forgot…"
"Forgot…?"
Is she…
"The Headmaster forbade me from telling people about this…But she also said I should open my heart more, so…I will tell you. I haven't speak of this to anyone, not even Iola, not even Caelan, no one. You…will be the first one…to hear my story."
I nod in anticipation. The truth behind Deborah. While I always act like I don't care, deep inside, I want to know what exactly is the girl's deal. And this is that moment of truth…
"The truth is…I have amnesia."
Amnesia. That means she lost her memories. However, memory lost varies from person to person. Maybe she can still recall something.
"How many of your memories did you lose?"
The girl falls silent.
"All of it."
"…"
The girl takes a deep breath before she starts her own tale.
"I have no memories, and I can't recollect any of them, even to this day...My birth, my childhood, my parents, my heritage, my homeland, my true self…nothing. I still have enough subconscious knowledge to barely function in society, but without my memories, I'm nothing more than an empty shell of flesh."
To merely exist, not to live. Someone without memories is like a body without a soul.
"It's no different than being summoned to a strange world that is not yours…"
Says the girl.
It's like how I came to be in this world…I can at least understand that part. In a way, I guess she cares about me since our feelings are similar. For her, it's about waking up in a world she doesn't remember. For me, it's to arrive in an unknown world that I have no knowledge about.
"When did you know about who you are…? About…Deborah Draconis?"
If she didn't remember, then how did she get that name? And the whole thing about being Dargoth's granddaughter.
"About one year ago. I found myself waking up inside this castle, with no prior knowledge of who I am and what my life was before that time. The person who picked me up, gave me my identity and a glimpse of myself was the Headmaster. The witch named Nilrem Erramun, our Headmaster."
Now I know why details of Deborah's own life is so scarce, because Nilrem keeps most of Deborah's information for herself, and only reveals bit by bit to make others shut up. But what is exactly her purpose for doing so?
"Nilrem told me that my name is Deborah, Deborah Draconis. She told me I am the only living descendant of the Greatest Demon King…the granddaughter of Dargoth. When I asked about my home, about my parents, the women didn't answer. However, she did give me a condition, that is she'll answer every questions I have, but only until I reach maturity age."
"Do you know when that time will come?"
Deborah shakes her head.
"I don't know. Maybe…rather than about age, the Headmaster wanted my consciousness to reach maturity and capable to function like an adult. When I asked the Headmaster to let me study at the academy as an cadet, the woman changed the condition to my graduation instead. She also allowed me to enroll, but only if I'm able to pass the entrance tests."
"What happened after that?"
I ask.
"In the following time, I absorbed every piece of knowledge I could get my hands on in order to gain an understanding of this world. I holed up in the library whenever I could and read every single book the library has to offer. I took the test in last Summer, and was finally allowed to enter the academy as an cadet."
"It must be tough…"
A lone girl in a strange world, without knowledge of the way the world around her works. Since I'm in a mostly similar situation, I can understand some of her struggles. But while I have years of living back in the old world, the girl has nothing, nothing at all. Her name was given to her, her identity was given to her. She started her new life from scratch, while I already have an old life to help myself…
"Hey, Akuma…"
Suddenly, in a quiet voice, Deborah speaks to me. Her expressions darken, and not in a good way.
"What is it?"
"Can you allow me to voice…some of my selfish thoughts?"
I suddenly feel unease, but it's rare to have Deborah open up to people, so I nod in response to her request.
"Thank you…"
Deborah stands up. Slowly, the girl walks from her own napping spot to the ground in front of her, in the middle of her little garden. With her head holds high to the sky, Deborah opens her lips.
"I hate being Deborah!"
The girl shouts out loud.
"What…?"
I can't even believe my own ears, but that is just the start of her rants. Deborah holds tight of her arms as she continue shouting.
"I don't even know if Deborah is my own identity! I became that girl because I had no other choices. To be Deborah, to be Dargoth's granddaughter…it was my only rope to escape from being a nameless no one. Yet…I can't stand it, playing the role of the Greatest Demon King's granddaughter. To play the role of a perfect student…to be powerful, to be talented, to be loved by most and feared by some. But…all of those traits, they're not mine…they belong to Deborah…whose name and identity were bestowed upon me. The moment I became Deborah, I gained the privileges that come along as the greatest Demon King's granddaughter. But…they're not mine, nothing is mine, except my own failures…"
I snap.
Sometimes…I hate how easily humans can be to envy of someone, but they do have limits to hold their dark thoughts in check. Of course, I have my limit too. When you have low self-esteem, you start to be envious of every good thing people around you have…With how I am, I know there'll come a day when I can't keep my dark side in check.
I just didn't anticipate that…today will be that day.
Deborah's words are like a saw, it keeps severing my limits with every lines she said. Before I know it, my limit breaks. Clenching my fists isn't enough, biting my lips isn't enough…there's nothing I can do right now to hold my dark thoughts…aside from letting everything out…
I start standing up.
"If only I can escape from this castle…but even if I can, what will I do next? I have no purpose of my own, and I can't think of any. My current purpose…granted by the Headmaster, was to play the role of Deborah as flawlessly as possible. People expect me to be flawless, to be the perfect Dargoth's granddaughter they know and love. But…following the expectations given by others everyday drives me mad. It's torture. I don't want this. I don't want to be expected of great things. If only I could have an ordinary life, a life unwanted by others, a life with only myself to look after. A life with me being my own master. I'm sure you can understand, right…? You also doesn't want to be controlled by others. You want control of your own life as well. That's why I want to tell you these…because we share the same feelings."
Yeah, I understand her problems now.
"Right, I understand….I always thought you're special, but in the end…you're just a plain bitch!"
"Wha…"
Before the girl gets the chance to talk, I start lashing out at the girl with everything I kept hidden in my heart.
"You always ask people to understand you, but do you really understand them!? You said you don't want to be powerful, you don't want to be this awesome and just want to be a plain, ordinary girl…well, just give all of them away then, to those who need them! Do you really understand the people at the bottom like me? The ones that tried really hard for things you could do in your sleep? Do you know of Amadia's frustration when she's unable to defeat you no matter how hard she tried? Did you hear Iola's lament when she more or less admitted that she has no hope to best you in anything? What rights do you have to complain when people crawl their way from the ground just to reach half of your accomplishments? You already have your whole future put nicely on a silver plate, yet you demand it to be done the way you want it to be…People like you…people who hate themselves even when they got everything others could ever want, people who whine when they have the expectations of everyone…I hate them, and I hate you. Deborah…you sicken me!"
With all my strength, I shout. I can't even see the darkened face of the girl when I'm too busy letting out everything I have in mind. I no longer want to reconcile with the girl. All I care about right now…is to put her down with every words I got.
"I thought…you would understand…I thought you don't want your life just to be a scripted event!"
"Right…I don't want my life to be a mere scripted event. But there's this thing I haven't told anyone. I don't want to live a life that was scripted, but I want to pick the scripted event for myself! I want to be of use to people. I want people to expect great things from me. I don't want…to be just a mere shadow anymore…Then you appear and whine that your life is hell when you got everything I can ever wish for. Powerful, loved, have high expectations from everyone…You are the epitome of all of my wishes! And you just have to spit on my face by saying you hate your life and tell me bullshits like "I'm sure you can understand"! You are even lower than a worm!"
The girl clenches her fists. She looks like she snapped from the pressure. But I don't give a damn about her anymore.
"You…What rights…do an accident like you have…to judge me like that?"
"An accident…?"
I find myself snapped even further just by those two words.
"Right, I told you once, and I will tell you again! You're an accident…you're simply just an accident from the start! You were not supposed to be here at all! I never intended to summon anything! I didn't want to be looked up by people for summon some powerful being! So I sabotaged my own summoning circle and hoped that nothing would come out! But you…you appeared…you ruined everything by your existence alone! Why don't you go back to your home!? I don't want to see you anymore!"
Before I know it, my hatred for her is temporary gone. I find myself looking at the ground. I'm no longer angry, only sadness remains.
"You're right…I'm an accident, just an accident…an accident that shouldn't be allowed to be born."
The girl's expression changes as my words reach her ears.
"Akuma…you…are you…by any chance…?"
Suddenly, from afar, around the center of the castle, there is a flame flying upward to the sky. When it explodes, part of the sky on top of the castle gets dyed in red. A magic flare, used to transmit messages. There are many types of flare for different purposes, but red flares, they are…
"Code Red?"
The color code used in case of enemy attack.
'Attention all personnel!'
There's a voice inside my head. It's the Headmaster's voice. Seeing Deborah's reaction, I guess the Headmaster's telepathy reaches her as well, and maybe not just us. I guess it's an announcement to all the people in the castle…but what is going on?
'Every able man and woman, please gather at the castle's main hall. This is not a drill. There's an emergency that requires the participation from all of you. Soldiers, teachers, cadets…no matter who you are, no matter where you're from, we need your help to defend ourselves, to defend this castle, to defend the place that those on the Dark Line had failed to protect
Prepare yourself, the greatest war of this century has already started!'
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