Chapter 20 – The Writers of History

‘No, he’s the hero of Regnum. Literally everyone I’ve met see’s him that way. He was such a hero that just because I have his ability, they treat me like one too! You must be mistaken,’ Kuno said, almost done healing. ‘Besides, he’s a human. How could he be the hero of the Soji Empire?’

‘QUAHAHA!’ JD laughed. ‘Stupid humans have lied to even dumber humans!’

‘This must be some kind of trick… They must be paving the way for me to betray Regnum or something… Everyone wants a piece of my fine ass… as usual…’

‘Listen, Kuno,’ Hopper said. ‘I don’t know what Regnum told you or their people, but here’s what we’ve not only been told, but have seen with our very own eyes.’

‘The earliest records of our realm speak of the lawless rule of the strong. The hierarchy was the same as that of Terra One – big fish eat small fish – the difference being; we’ve always been the size you see us as today, nothing like the vast differences we’ve heard you guys have.’

‘In time, small civilizations began being built – Wars were common, between and among species, every day could be the last.’

‘That was until the humans managed to set their differences aside and built a Kingdom the likes none of us had ever seen – the Kingdom of Man.’

‘While we were in a constant struggle with each other, they had all the time to develop and grow. Every human tribe of the east moved to the west to join the Kingdom of Man – with their advancements… no one stood a chance, and they consumed the entire planet within two years’ time.’

‘For the first time, there was one species above all. A top predator without a single enemy – Humans. Sadly, they were prideful, and certainly not kind…’

‘’We aren’t animals, we’re humans,’ they said. ‘We’re better than all of you.’’

‘They believed we were beneath them and we were made to never forget that. They had already grown too big, and with us serving as their slaves, they got even stronger.’

‘We only had one thing over them: numbers - but were too scared to use it… until one day a roosterman cried his lungs out in the middle of Central Square in the capital of Regnum. He shouted out his wish for freedom and told us we could do it – that we should fear living like this more than fear death. That it’d cost us many lives, but at the end of the day, we would succeed. It took only thirty seconds before the enforcers responded, but the roosterman knew what would happen…’

‘To ignite the revolution, he ignited himself… As the flaming rooster ran around Central Square, the animals snapped and the war began… News reached every corner of the Kingdom of Man and after a hard-fought battle lasting decades, costing over a billion lives – we managed to conqueror the eastern hemisphere of the planet.’

‘The animals had united, and we had gotten what we wanted: The Soji Empire. Now, we just had to keep it.’

‘The Kingdom of Man became the Kingdom of Regnum. Three years later the humans theorized there could be a realm outside our own… another five years later they found a way to summon one of you here – an individual with extreme intelligence who told them about Terra One and about how different and much older your realm was. He was what you guys would call; the first Brain.’

‘With his help, things got easy for the humans – the summons continued, up until a certain individual was brought to Terra Two – he who would later be dubbed: ‘The Shitman.’’

‘They were nothing like we’d ever seen. Like a never-ending flood, they swept our lands so Regnum could claim it. Our population thinned and Regnum moved in closer and closer. We managed to slay a couple of them, but one among them we just couldn’t handle at all… The Shitman – the mere thought of him brought fear in our soldiers’ hearts… To the point where we just retreated the moment we had confirmed his presence. There was no point in resistance…’

‘Regnum was set to be the victors. It’d only take them a few more years. But as our empire was drafting our letter of surrender, he appeared on our border – alone. Our people ran, but he kept pushing and pushing, until he got to the capital without having harmed a single blade of grass.’

‘’I’m here to join you,’ he said. Obviously, no one believed him. We captured him… with his permission – and as a captor, he began giving out information about Regnum and ways to improve our military and country as a whole. A year later, we finally believed him and rejoiced. The Shitman was on our side… we regained some of our lost land and strengthened our troops. We formed the Five Pillars and crafted the Legendary Weapons. Today, the Shitman works under the Emperor and is the fifth pillar of the Soji Empire.’

Physically, he had completely healed, but still drifted in the sphere – he didn’t know what to believe anymore. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes: ‘Damn, that’s uh… quite the story…’

‘Am I correct to assume Regnum thinks he’s dead?’ Chompy asked.

Kuno thought about it for a second. ‘I highly doubt they don’t know… It must be that—yes, it must be…’

‘The Order and some of the higher-ups likely know,’ Kuno said. ‘But if what you’re saying is true… they’ve been lying to the people. If they knew the Shitman had switched sides, it’d hurt the morale of the people.’

His words surprised them. ‘The Shitman has made a few appearances on the battlefield,’ Hopper said.

JD laughed again, but in a quieter tone, unlike his obnoxious shouting manner: ‘quahaha—they play with tiny pea-brains of dumb humans…’

‘Maybe,’ Kuno said. ‘If we’re talking about magic—they could’ve brained washed them… or perhaps they just kill whoever knows. Honestly, nothing would surprise me at this point.’

The rabbitmen liked the tone of his voice. It seemed like Kuno was ready to switch sides, but JD, being close to the original Shitman, knew how unpredictable people could be.

‘Will you join us?’ Chompy asked.

Kuno looked around him. If he wanted to or not, if he was going to or not, ‘yes,’ would be the best answer. Kuno said: ‘Nah.’

Shocked, the rabbitmen stared at Kuno, their expressions changing with a delay. ‘QUAHAHAHA!’ JD laughed. ‘JD knew you’d say that.’

‘What do you mean, Kuno!?’ Hopper said, and shouted: ‘are you actually gonna join those monsters!?’

Kuno put his hands up to his face and looked to his left and right. ‘Calm down now, I’m not joining you guys, that doesn’t mean I’m joining them.’

‘What are you talking about?’ Chompy said.

‘QUAHAHA--.’

‘Captain, come on, can you not laugh for a second…’ Hopper said, fed up with everything at the moment.

JD put his head down in silence. ‘JD just wanted to say he prepared for this, because Alcott told him this would happen…’

‘The Shitman?’ Kuno asked, and everyone turned to JD—something he enjoyed very much. ‘QUAHAHA, YES!’ he said. ‘JD stunned your tracker and put prototype Soji tracker in!’

‘Tracker?’ Kuno thought, but quickly figured it out. ‘EMA,’ he said—a gray hologram screen popped up without a single letter of text. ‘They’ve been tracking me? Of course they have…’

‘Regnum thinks you are dead, but it will repair when you enter their land again. You also have our version. It shows us your status and level, but only broadly your location—Soji magical engineers kinda lazy…’

‘They’ve been working day in day out!’ Chompy said.

‘Kinda lazy…’ JD said again. ‘Anyway, you have double citizenship now!’

Kuno closed EMA and scratched his head. ‘Uh… sure. How do I open yours?’

‘Say SUK,’ JD said.

‘SUK.’

‘Suck my DUCK DICK!’ JD said. ‘QUAHAHAHA!’

‘FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--.’ Kuno threw his hands in the air, accidentally breaking the sphere he was in and falling down on Hopper and Chompy. He tackled JD and began choking him as he continued laughing. ‘QUAHAHAHAHA!’ A green hologram screen had already popped up in front of his face, System Unit Kuno - Online, but Kuno just looked through it, too busy with JD.

The rabbitmen got him off of their captain and constrained him.

‘Kuno is a sore loser, QUAHAHA!’ JD said.

‘I’m not…’ he said, almost about to cry. ‘Alright so what is this thi—YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ he looked up to the top-right and saw his level: Level 8.’

‘I got five levels!’ he shouted. The rabbitmen cheered for him and began throwing him in the air to celebrate. ‘Shitman-Shitman-Shitman!’ they chanted as JD watched and clapped for Kuno, yet still saying: ‘Boo! Puny level—JD much better. Go JD!’

‘Woah, woah, let me down, you guys,’ Kuno said, breaking the happy mood. ‘What level are you?’ Kuno asked. ‘It said ‘System Unit Kuno,’ do you have one of your own?’

‘They really wanted JD to have one for some reason…’

‘I can imagine…’ every single being around JD thought.

‘SUJ,’ JD said, summoning his screen.

♫ ‘Duckboy, woohoo – everyday he’s crushing humans – that’s Duckboy, woohoo!’ ♫

‘It’s the Duckboy theme song. JD requested it upon start-up!’ JD said proudly.

Kuno walked over to him and grabbed his shoulder to climb up his much taller body. When he saw what was on the screen, he jolted back in shock and fell off JD. ‘What the fuck, JD…’

‘It’s been saying that since I got it, because JD is badass like that,’ JD said.

JD’s level was: ☠

‘This guy’s a fucking raid boss… He’s like Bico Bel’Bhuzad of World of Grand Theft!’

‘JD,’ Kuno said.

‘JD!’ he replied.

Not skipping a single beat, Kuno asked: ‘will you train me?’

At equal reaction speed, he answered: ‘no.’

‘What? Why not!?’ Kuno said, genuinely surprised by the denial. Sure, although he wasn’t an enemy, he wasn’t technically an ally either, but JD didn’t seem the type of person to deny him for that reason.

‘Boring,’ JD said.

‘Valid reason…’ Kuno thought, saying: ‘what am I supposed to do now? Just go home?’

JD and the rabbitmen were on their way to the base camp to help defend against the attacks of Regnum—even if Kuno joined them, it had to be as a prisoner and it would probably be wise not to let other people know he is the second Shitman. Luckily, Kuno got an idea to get his way—a dangerous, but certainly very powerful idea.

‘Hey, JD… You know what the best thing is about geese?’

Everyone stopped moving. The rabbitmen thought he had lost his mind—they froze, not even daring to look at either JD or Kuno. ‘I hate you, Kuno,’ they thought in harmony.

JD turned around, slowly walking towards Kuno, who’s forehead began to perspire rapidly. ‘Hold on—Hold on, Kuno!’

JD towered over Kuno, who looked at his shoes, dripping his sweat on it. He didn’t take a look at his face, but that might’ve been a good thing—since he felt the pressure already.

‘Do tell,’ he said.

With a vibrating smile, he managed to lift his head up, which felt like a wrecking ball at this point. Mustering the energy out of every mitochondria (the powerhouse of the cell) he had, he spoke the words of truth that’d grant him the training of the Undead Warlord.

‘Their taste!’

When it was about geese, JD was quick to put two and two together. The relief was equal to peeing out a full bladder. He couldn’t see his penis, but hoped he wasn’t actually peeing. The outer layer of feathers was cold, but JD embraced him so tightly he could feel the heat of his warm-blooded brother. JD had crouched to hug him, and when he stood up again, carried Kuno with him, causing his feet to dangle.

‘My son, why hadn’t you told me?’

A single drop fell on Kuno’s scalp. He thought it was a lingering raindrop late to descend, but it was the tear of the Warlord, a tear of gratitude—toward himself:

‘You’re a genius, JD. Of course you’d spare this beautiful soul… You felt his pureness… Good job.’

‘Yeah-uhu—sure you did, Cap…’ the rabbitmen thought.

‘So… you’ll train me?’ Kuno asked, the only thing he was after.

‘QUAHAHA!’ JD said, releasing him from his grip. ‘JD will train you during breaks— until we get to the base camp!’

‘Five days,’ Kuno thought. ‘I’m very lucky… and so are my peers… Fuck man, I really hope he doesn’t find out we eat ducks too!’