Chapter 2 - 'I've never been so humiliated in my life, teach!'

The tube’s door opened behind him, with the guards seeing Kuno’s shiny butt again, shinier than when they brought him here.

‘Let’s go, kid.’

Kuno didn’t turn to them, but scratched his head, unable to process what the tube had told him. ‘I’m 22. Who are you calling, kid? This machine is messing with me, give me some more time.’

The guards looked at each other, before one asked: ‘What did it say?’

Kuno stretched his back, yawning against the tube wall, fogging it up before drawing a penis on it. ‘It says I can make a lot of feces… That’s not a power. Am I being scammed?’

He didn’t get a response, not until he turned around and one of the guards went: ‘Woah…’

He clearly saw they weren’t looking at his crotch, so that couldn’t be the reason for the amazement. He didn’t get a full hard on, but the tube did get half a semi off. ‘Can I do the thing again?’ Kuno asked.

The guard closed his half open mouth and swallowed. ‘You’ll get the same results, Sir.’

Kuno raised his brows, tilting his head forward. ‘What kind of system is this? Is this some weird kink type game!?’ he grabbed the shoulders of one guard. ‘I’m beginning to freak out! Give me some pants, for fuck’s sake. What kind of place is this!?’ he said, shaking the guard.

Good thing the other guard snapped out of it, pulling Kuno off of his colleague. ‘Calm down! Here, look at this,’ he said, opening up his palm skyward.

Kuno fixed his eyes on his palm. ‘He opened his palm and made me look. This can only mean one thing… he’s gonna show me magic!’

The pantsless man couldn’t be more right, for out of the guard’s palm, hundreds of flashy sparks collected in a single sphere, forming a ball of light. He already got flushed down his toilet and summoned to this place, but seeing this kind of point blank magic still made the peach fuzz on his body stand up. ‘Yo, that’s awesome!’ He shouted out. ‘Do a solar beam!’

Although the guard didn’t get the Bokemon reference, the ability Solar Beam did exist in Terra Two. ‘I’m not nearly strong enough to do that…’ the light faded. ‘But anyway, since you probably know squat about Terra Two, people born here can do stuff like this.’

His eyes lit up. ‘Oh, my God. Oh, my God!’ He got on his knees. ‘I’m sorry for calling your armor mithril. Please teach me how to be a light mage!’ he said with his face on the ground.

When Kuno raised his head again from this way too shiny and clean floor, he didn’t see the feet he wanted to kiss, but rather two shiny bald spots. Shocked, he stood up again. ‘What’s the meaning of this!?’

The guards looked up, switching to a one knee bow. ‘Please don’t kneel. We are in eternal debt to the former of your title, Shitman.’

He stared at their bald spots, completely ignoring they called him Shitman. ‘WHAT THE HELL IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?’ he shouted out, causing the guards to flinch.

The two took a quick look at each other, before turning to Kuno again, whose eyes began to tear up. They had no idea what caused him to get so emotional, and after a few seconds of silence, Kuno asked them:

‘How old are you two…’ he walked up to them and put his hand on the top of their crowns, feeling the skin in his sweaty palm.

’T-Twenty… Sir,’ one said. ‘Twenty-one,’ the other said.

Having his hand on their heads made them think twice about lifting it. To these guards, Kuno represented heroism of the highest caliber. Although he was still a goofy guy without pants, his destiny spoke the volumes he was soon to learn.

They silently stared at his hairless legs, it was that or his scrotum, until it began to rain. Sparkling drops of water dripped one by one from above them, creating two small pools near their knees. When they looked up, too curious to see how the clouds had entered the palace, they saw Kuno’s face, emptying the chambers of liquid emotion.

He sniffed his mucus back up, but the tears kept rolling. ‘Y-Y-You… G-Guys m-must r-r-really n-need my… my h-help, h-huh?’ he uttered, slowly lifting his hands from their bald spots.

Oblivious to the true reason for this display, the guards silently nodded. ‘All of us do,’ they both said. ‘Follow us, we’ll take you to your mentor.’

‘OppaLovingWaifu16 (OLW) is gonna crush my guild, but this is more important… by a very small margin,’ he thought.

‘Pff, I don’t even want a mentor, but I guess I need information from someone,’ Kuno said as he was made to wait in a full white room with less than nothing in it. The left wall was completely made of glass, the door he came through included. ‘At least I got some pants,’ he said, looking down at his well tailored beige corduroy pants. ‘I’d have preferred my sweats, but this’ll do.’

Five minutes later, two men about a decade older than him walked across the glass wall, meeting eyes with Kuno, who was doing the baby freeze out of boredom.

Kuno stood on his feet again after the two of them entered the room. ‘Knock!’ he said, followed by: ‘Sorry, force of habit…’

The initial one to enter, a dark-skinned, tall man with a shaven head, dressed in a matte black suit, said: ‘I have a bad feeling about this…’

The other man, similarly clothed, but having jet black hair in a slick-back cut with a thin mustache and a horizontal scar from the bridge of his nose to his left temple, cleared his throat and said: ‘Kuno, right?’

‘Sup’.’

‘I’m Cooper Grayson, East flank colonel of Regnum, and this-.’

‘Donovan Jackson,’ he said, cutting him short, and continuing: ‘I’m going to assess your capabilities, since you’ll be joining my group.’

Donovan had a frown on his face upon seeing Kuno, already having formed an opinion of him upon seeing his unkempt look. ‘Another one of those throwaway summons…’ he thought. ‘Look at him… his appearance just screams ‘liability.’’

‘The thing is broken. It didn’t give me an ability,’ Kuno said, twisting the truth somewhat.

‘EMA,’ Cooper said. ‘It says here you got the intestines class.’

‘That’s what I’m saying!’ Kuno said, throwing his arms open. ‘What kind of class is that!?’

Cooper folded his arms and looked at Donovan, who reluctantly moved to the middle of the room, cracking his neck and fingers. ‘Why don’t you leave us to it?’ Donovan said. ‘Must be getting old hearing the same thing every single time.

‘You know I’m not supposed to leave you during assessments,’ Cooper said.

‘You’re not supposed to do a lot of stuff. It’s been a year and we’re in the middle of the palace. What are you worried about?’

Cooper exhaled through his nose. ‘Fine, if you want me to go that much.’ He walked to the door, his footsteps echoing through the empty room. He closed the door and disappeared into the hall.

Donovan took a deep breath. ‘Sorry to tell you, but you’re fucked. This place is a mess and we’re not leaving any time soon.’

‘Pardon?’ Kuno said.

Donovan moved his thumb to his mouth, saying: ‘First things first,’ before biting it.

Kuno took a step back and bent his knees: ‘Oh my God, he’s a titan…’

He lowered his hand as blood began dripping. What began as a few drops turned into a small stream, growing and growing until his thumb had turned into a fully turned on faucet spraying blood.

Kuno raised his arms in a defensive pose, although he was more worried about Donovan than he was about himself. ‘Dude, I think you got hemophilea!’

Suddenly, the bleeding stopped, but instead of the last stream dropping down, it lay there suspended in the air, connecting the blood on the floor to his thumb. Donovan squeezed his palm, and the blood began changing shape.

‘No… no fucking way…’ Kuno whispered.

‘Blood Blade!’ Donovan shouted, and all that blood that’d flown out of him turned into a crimson blade. It snapped off his finger and as it fell, he quickly picked it up by the hilt and pointed the blade at Kuno, who stared at him with amazement, until Donovan said:

‘Take your pants off.’

Kuno’s smile dropped in an instant, and he immediately ran to the glass wall, banging it rapidly.

‘HELP! PLEASE, HELP ME! I KNEW IT WAS A KINK-TYPE GAME. COOPER, COME BACK!’

A drop of sweat formed on Donovan’s forehead. ‘Hey… I didn’t mean it like that…’

Too busy banging the glass wall, which appeared to be some kind of plexiglass, Kuno didn’t hear Donovan as he kept shouting: ‘GUARDS! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME, OH MY GOD!’

‘I’M NOT GOING TO ASSAULT YOU!’ Donovan shouted.

‘k,’ Kuno said, smoothly walking back to where he stood with a suave strut in his step.

Donovan closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in anger. ‘Listen. All the people of this place, Terra Two, possess magical powers, like the ones we’ve seen in comics and television.’

‘Word,’ Kuno said.

‘We have been teleported to this realm, away from everyone and everything we loved…’ Donovan continued. ‘Luckily, we also have special abilities… Although ours are more… mutation like. My class is Circulatory System: Blood. ‘I can create a lot of blood and manipulate it.’

‘Cool,’ Kuno said. ‘I’m jealous, continue.’

‘Well, as the tube just showed you, yours is intestines, so you can create feces-.’

Kuno dropped down to his arms and knees as drops of sweat began falling off his face. ‘Oh… oh no…’

‘The situation must’ve just kicked in… I can’t blame him, it took a while for me to get used to all of this.’

‘D-Don…novan…’ Kuno said, turning to him.

‘It’s alright, take your time,’ he said, seeing the genuine look of distraught in his face. ‘Poor kid,’ he thought.

‘I…’ Kuno said. ‘I could already do that…’

‘I hear you, kid… Wait, what?’

Kuno ran up to Donovan, shaking his shoulders and himself with it as his sweat hit Donovan’s face.

‘DONOVAN! I COULD ALREADY SHIT BUCKETS! OH MY GOD, WHAT A FUCKING WASTE! THIS IS HORRIBLE!’

Donovan pushed Kuno off of him. ‘Didn’t you just see what I did? You’re telling me you could already do stuff like that?’

‘Alright, maybe not that much, but I’ve cracked multiple toilets. Shit’s crazy,’ Kuno said.

Fed up with Kuno’s character, Donovan sighed. ‘Just put your pants down and try to-,’ he stopped talking, seeing Kuno running towards the glass window again, stopping him halfway, saying in a dead-ass tone: ‘Enough jokes.’

Kuno repeatedly nodded his head, puckering his lips. ‘Fine… so my ability is taking big shits. This game is weird as fuck. You’ve been playing for a year already?’

‘It’s not a game,’ Donovan said.

Ignoring him, Kuno put his pants down and tried to take a dump on the floor.

‘Depending on how natural his ability comes to him… I can grade him from F to S… Let’s see.’

‘Alright, here we go,’ Kuno said, tightening his body. ‘Come on, you son of a bitch!’

Donovan waited for two whole minutes as Kuno tried to force a poo out, his head slowly turning pink, then red, then purple. He closed his eyes and shook his head, ‘he’s quite weak…’ Donovan thought.

‘That’s enough,’ he said. ‘Your grade will be an F.’

‘F?’ Kuno said. ‘Where does the scale start?’

‘F…’ he repeated, followed by him saying: ‘EMA,’ as he put in the grade.

Kuno shuffled towards him with his pants still down, flailing his arms through the hologram screen. ‘No, no, no, no, wait. I took a shit before getting here, really. I got flushed down the toilet after I took a shit. I’m empty, that’s why I can’t do it.’

‘It’s not like passing a turd,’ Donovan said. ‘It’s creating one at a point in time. Even if I could create an ocean of blood, I’m never actually losing any blood, since it’s all surplus. You understand?’

‘Fuck!’ he shouted, squatting down again, desperately trying to make some poo. Donovan ignored his attempt, already on his way to the door.

‘Please, something, come on!’ Kuno pleaded.

The moment Donovan touched the handle, he heard a loud bang behind him. ‘Blood Shield!’ he said, as the blade in his hand turned into a shield to cover his face and torso.

There wasn’t any shit, but after Donovan had made the shield, he saw in the corner of his eye Kuno’s skull smash against the wall. He fell on the ground, seemingly knocked unconscious.

The filthy smell told him all he should know. ‘He ripped a fart…’ he thought.

He covered his nose with his suit’s shirt as he moved to where Kuno stood before being launched. He opened up EMA and said: ‘Meassure recent activity.’

EMA gave him the stats. Upon which Donovan said: ‘Sorry, kid. Still an F.’

When he turned his back, he heard the crying voice of Kuno say:

‘I’ve never been so humiliated in my life, teach! And my team and I once lost a 1v5 in Legion of Champions!’