“What did you do?” Running away was pointless, yet she still had to fight down the urge. It helped that she couldn’t stand.

“To your friend? He’s fine, I assure you. Dreadfully chatty, especially for one his age, don’t you think?”

You’re a he? Do you have a spiritual dong? Can spirits smash?

“To tell you the truth, yeah. Definitely. He talks nonstop. Real preachy about it too. I do sometimes value his opinion; I don’t suppose you could give him back?”

Elfshaq was delighted by the response. “Hah! Give him back! No no, I’m not quite so strong to break a bond like that. He’s only napping off a little suppression, nothing to worry about. It is irrelevant you know; all you’ll need is your natural ability for what I have planned for you.”

“What you have planned for me?” It sounded ominous. Spirits might not have dongs, but elves definitely do, and she wanted nothing to do with the baby arm this eight-foot weirdo was probably swinging.

“You picked up the staff! One of my wizard staffs, you resonated with it!”

“Wizard staff?” Karen looked at her spear. It had to be what the man was talking about. Do wizards stab things? She didn’t really know any wizards, but it didn’t sound impossible.

“Yes, the staff. The staff! The focus of a wizard’s power. The tool they use to topple empires and lay low the mighty. Can’t you feel it? Yours is humming with all the power you’ve run through it today.” He stepped closer, the single step bringing on a growing sense of dread. That frantic level of intensity was throwing off crackpot fucking crazy vibes.

CAN YOU WAKE THE FUCK UP, PLEASE?

“You mean the spear? You can have it back, I found this is a barrel. Take it, I didn’t know it was your wizard staff.” She clambered to her feet to step back and match the one he took forward, hopelessly imagining a reality he’d say ‘ok, cool. see ya,’ and allow her to dipset.

“Haha, don’t be afraid, my little apprentice, I won’t be taking your tool. There are thousands! Across hundreds of worlds, all of them Eluene. It’s been so long since I’ve felt someone bond with one, and here you are. A human! How unexpected! How delightful!”

Golielf crossed the distance between them faster than she could register. It was effortless. It was a level she couldn’t even comprehend, much less understand. In less than an eyeblink he crossed at least ten paces and had a grip on her shoulder, both gentle and firm.

“Come now, apprentice. What are you called?” His eyes of empty deep-blue seized hers like a physical grip, forcing her to regard him. Nothing could hide from those eyes. They could flay her, peeling back layer by layer to find every truth she she’d ever known; every truth she’d ever forgotten. She only need lie. The blade would drop. The pain would come.

“Uh, Karen.”

“Akaren. I am The Great Wizard, Auguste. You will call me Master The Great Wizard, Auguste, or simply Master, if it pleases you. It is such a challenge to open one’s schedule for unexpected little delights like these, don’t you think? That press for time means, unfortunately, I will only be able to show you a glimpse at what your inheritance as my apprentice means. After that you will make your own way to my school on Eluei, in the city of Eldinor.”

“Yeah. Yes. I will do that.” Clearly the elf men of this planet were coordinating a running gag to get her name wrong, though at the moment she couldn’t care the tiniest little bit. Getting mindflayed by the intensity of someone’s gaze has that effect.

“Apprentice Akaren. You must address your Master by name when you speak to him.”

“Yes, Master Auguste.”

Wrong answer. The hand on her shoulder clamped down painfully. “My name is The Great Wizard, Auguste. You must address me as such.” His voice was low and his tone even, yet she had never experience anything quite so menacing.

She sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. “Yes, Master The Great Wizard, Auguste.”

The grip lingered for only a moment more, but it was a moment that promised what it meant to cross this man. But it did end. The air seemed to unfreeze when his gaze broke away with a quick laugh, and the steel of his grip became a friendly pat.

“Perfect! You understand, very good. Then let us begin. You know, it’s been so long since I’ve done this… hmm.” His current jovial tone made it seem he would have never been capable of blasting her with his murder-ray vision.

Slow beard strokes mixed with a thousand-yard stare appeared to be his preferred way of thinking things through. It went on for what could only be described as ‘uncomfortably long,’ especially so since he had just given a sincere monologue about his endlessly occupied lifestyle. Karen had to fight down the urge to tell her new Master to hurry this shit up already, but he did eventually emerge from his fugue, seeming all the more excited for it.

“Let us begin! Yes, yes, the first of many gifts for those suited to become one of mine.” With a graceful flourish he produced what at first appeared to be a pencil. Not certain why he wanted her to keep score of his golf game, she took the offered pencil all the same.

Closer inspection showed it wasn’t a pencil. Somewhat strange that closer inspection was needed when general good sense would have worked, but Karen was not feeling in her prime. It was a spear. A tiny model of the one she carried. Less scarred and stained than hers, but it was still going to make a fine addition to her G.I. Joe collection.

“Thank you, Master.” She turned it in her hand, unsure of what to do with it.

“Well? Go on.” The words came with an expectant ‘get on with it’ style hand wave, as if this were all the instruction she would need.

“Master?”

“Ah, your poor thing. You don’t know, do you? How many Eluene would give up everything to receive this, to be in your position? Hah, it’s a simple thing. Press it tip first into your chest. You won’t be harmed, I assure you.” The spot, indicated with a finger to his chest, was mid sternum.

The proposition was viewed as dubious at best. Every time Karen had accidentally stabbed herself in the past in had hurt like all get out and produced a string of fucks and shits that seemed they’d never stop. If all that came from a palm wound with a cooking knife, going with a pencil-spear into bone was, if anything, less appealing. Yet magic was magic and reason was dead, so she grabbed that bitch up and drove it in with the heel of her palm.

The Great Wizard, Andrelf the giant had been right. It definitely didn’t hurt. It hadn’t even hurt her shirt. But the moment it failed to pierce her body she knew it wasn’t made to do that. Not her physical body, at least.

Where the spear had struck radiated a cold so deep it caused her to suck in a desperate breath. It felt like she was lying prone on a block of dry ice, and every passing second pushed a new wave of cold through her. The sensation peaked after only a few seconds, then quickly subsided leaving her gasping and clinging to her spear to brace herself.

“Beautiful. Absolutely marvelous. In all my millennia, never have I seen anyone who wasn’t an Eluene have such a seamless fusion. Akaren, you are a joy. The thing’s you will learn. Oh, the places you’ll go! To see you here, radiating potential! Hah! Yes!” The giant was practically gushing, shifting to watch from every angle. His eyes had changed from the pale blue that had nearly scarred her to a deep red that radiated menace, and with a flash of insight she realized that must be the color of his source.

Even while knowing the spear hadn’t hurt her physically, she still couldn’t help but to check her chest where the wound would be. When the elf was standing behind her, she took a surreptitious peek down her shirt. Karen had spent more than three decades on Earth without getting a tattoo. Now, with less than a month spent on Mraxis, she’d picked up her first.

A black spear silhouette stretched down her sternum, from solar plexus to suprasternal notch. She wished she had the mirror that sewing elf bastard had taken from her so she’d be able to see it from a proper angle. He had rudely demanded it back under threat of all shops in town refusing to do business with her. That bitch.

“Well? Show me.” The elf said, once again expectant.

“The tattoo? I’d rather not, Master.” Karen was irritated by the elf once more showing his lecherous colors.

“Not the mark, apprentice. Your staff. Call it forth and show me the form of your power.” As he spoke, he summoned his own. His spear was enormous, near ten foot in length. Red as blood in color, it looked as if it were flowing slowly down its length, like the whole thing were made of slow-moving bloody molasses. He drove the butt into the ground with a thump, looking eager to see the power of his newest legacy.

Surely, he would not have forgotten she did not have a fucking clue as to what was going on. He hadn’t, and don’t call him Shirley. He’d squeeze your arm off. Karen reckoned it had to be something so easy, so intuitive, that he expected her to do it without any instruction other than ‘do it.’ Which would make it at minimum on the level of ease of buying sneakers.

Karen closed her eyes, hoping that the spiritual, meditative calm would allow her to gain some sense of whatever change had been wrought. It was the only technique the spirit had shown her that was even peripherally related to her spirit body, even if it wasn’t quite so extreme as an elixir that made her tits shoot lasers. He hadn’t offered that, but when Karen had suggested it, he had become awfully evasive.

No effort at all was needed to feel the change. Her soul had a new addition, and she hadn’t even gotten a permit. This would definitely mean a fine from the city. It was so bold, even to her unrefined senses. And it really was intuitive, exactly like pulling something from her ring.

A spear materialized in her hand. The shape was exactly like the one in her other hand, which was nearly as much detail as she could make out. The entire length was midnight black. It was the void between the stars black, and it sucked in light and gave nothing back. It was the silhouette on her chest made manifest, almost a shadow of a spear. And that was the second most notable thing about it.

It smoked. Not like Karen’s two pack a day uncle who was constantly raging about smokers becoming second class citizens, but like a cold mist that drifted down to pool on the ground. More like that cold mist’s shadow, what with all light sucking and the not giving back. A dark, greedy smoke.

Karen set the more mundane spear down gingerly, fearful of some retribution should she disrespect a powerful wizard staff of The Great Wizard, Auguste. Who even knows what fucked up punishment that nightmare scenario might involve. It was best avoided. Yet the setting down had to be done, the new weapon demanded two hands hold it and to appreciate it properly.

A trail of black followed her experimental thrust and a puff of the same announced its arrival. She held it extended like that, supported only by her grip on the butt, and watched the smoke fall like a sheet to spread across the dirt.

“Outstanding. The form has taken on aspects of your own power, something only one in ten apprentices might manifest. You are very much suited for this, I would say. Hah, you won’t be needing this anymore.” With a gesture the spear Karen had laid on the ground vanished.

“One in ten? Why so few, Master?” As the spear vanished Karen wished she could get a refund of the purchase price, but wisely opted not to say anything.

“Some of my greatest prodigies failed in that regard. Those with talent are destined to develop it over time. Consider it nothing more than an auspicious beginning.” His wizard staff spear disappeared as he stepped forward. “Put it away so we might put it to use. Hmm, let me see.”

The Great Wizard, Auguste once more started on perfecting his beard stroke technique, and Karen worked on the away putting, finding it as similar to using the ring as pulling it out had been.

The beard stroking which had previously taken a million god damned years was cut off after only a few seconds with the big man looking rather pleased with himself.

“Excellent. Come, apprentice!”

Whatever weirdo language The Great Wizard, Titanelf spoke had a very loose translation for the phrase ‘come apprentice,’ as in this case it meant ‘I am going to pick you up like a bag of flour and throw your ass over my shoulder. Also, I fly so prepare to leave the ground at speeds that make your vision go dark. Also, you stink take a bath.’

Landing came blessedly quickly. Recovering from where she was thrown in a shabby pile to clutch the earth – or in this case, the Mraxis – and the ensuing speech on hygiene were at least the trip’s equal. Appealing to the fact she’d spent ten hours in the woods jogging around stabbing monsters did not help her case. Supporting evidence that elves apparently did not sweat the same way and as such didn’t use or sell deodorant was thrown out by the judge. The phrase ‘any apprentice of mine must have pride’ was used several times.

In short order everyone was recovered from the trauma of the trip, and The Great Wizard, Auguste had produced his bloody staff to begin demonstrations on the power of his wizardry. He’d selected the location for its abundance in lizardmen, and within a minute of where they’d landed the pair of them were up to the gills in the things who appeared quite displeased by the presence of strangers in their camp.

The most surprising was they were armed and armored, something Karen had yet to see in any of the monsters she’d killed. Also, they were huge, somewhere above her over six and a half feet in height but less than her elf companion’s more than eight. They were sturdily muscled, and certainly not an enemy Karen would have chosen to take on her own. Was this madman going to make her fight these things? The feeling of dread that had abated since he’d released her shoulder was starting to rise up again.

“Observe, and do so carefully. I have selected a scant few from the powers I have cultivated, and I expect them to both entice and inspire you.”

The moment Karen replied in the affirmative he disappeared from by her side, reappearing next to his enemies. They had the patience and sense to form up in a group and fight cooperatively, another first that Karen had seen. Ultimately pointless, but interesting.

“SUMMON WOUND!” His scream was almost weaponized in its intensity.

Holy shit.

The lizardman in front of the elf had rents in its chest big enough to see the trees behind it. Neither one had even moved. He’d arrived, yelled out his spell, then the thing looked just as surprised as she was to find its innards exposed. It misted before its torso touched the ground.

“Again, apprentice, this time slower to see the motions. The motion of your staff is absolutely critical for the spell to work. SUMMON WOUND!”

Is he fucking serious? He stabbed it. He stabbed it three times. He didn’t summon a damned thing other than the spear he’d used to stab it with, and the only thing magical he was doing was the speed he was doing it at.

To the lizardmen’s credit they hadn’t taken all this lying down, and had moved to surround the big man within a second of the first one being swiss cheesified. Their coordination was practiced and teamwork tight, and as their second member was sacrificed it would not be in vain. Two axes were falling almost simultaneously toward the elf’s back.

“Quickstep.” The elf was once more at her side. The axes fell through empty air.

“Do you see, apprentice? There is no end to the devastating magics a wizard can reap with his staff. But it is not required for all magic. Let me show you.” His staff melted away once more.

“STONE BLAST!” A round boulder larger than his head appeared in the elf’s hand, and he hurled faster than Karen could follow. The resulting explosion slew three of the remaining six, left the ones still living stunned, and left Karen struggling to dissect what she’d just seen.

The stone appeared in the man’s hand, and she was almost certain he’d pulled it out of whatever storage item he used. Neat magic trick, asshole. The throw itself had been something she couldn’t see, but the starting and ending positions were unmistakable. The ‘blast’ had merely been the boulder moving so fast it created a shockwave and blasted three of them apart.

Karen side eyed her terrifying new Master, uncertain of what he’d do next. He was an absolute monster. The man was tearing things to pieces like it was a fucking prank, and despite his displays on this Harvess episode of punk’d she was certain she didn’t have any real concept of how strong he actually was. If the most frightening thing was the unknown this man was by far the largest unknown quantity she’d experienced in this totally alien new world. And he wasn’t even done.

“Hah! There’s a certain joy one finds in training, and I cannot wait to see how you bloom, my little apprentice. Now watch closely, I will only show you these remaining skills a single time.”

The three lizardmen had recovered and were forming up once more. They looked resigned to their fate, but were fully prepared to face it bravely.

“DISMEMBER!” The arms and legs of one of the three fell right off like it was the black knight guarding a bridge. The spear was back in The Great Wizard, Auguste’s hands, leaving very little need for Karen to imagine how this feat was achieved.

This was the first one that had been able to scream, and it’s high pitched keening continued on as its compatriot stepped over what was left of him to continue the fight. This new challenger’s lumberjack swing was caught with one monster’s giant hand clamping down over the other monster’s scaly one.

“DISARM!” The elf squeezed. It reminded Karen of popcorn. Its wailing picked up where the fallen one’s was beginning to peter out, and the wizard tossed it away like trash to crash into the dirt.

“SONIC BURST!” The elf yelled. Then he yelled again, this time without words. Even from a distance and standing behind him it was deafening, but it was nothing like what happened to the one that took it directly. This final lizard man might have died faster than any of the others, screamed into mist in a fraction of a second.

“Do you see, Akaren? This is the power you can wield. When you come to Eluei you’ll have all this and much more. You will come, and I will be waiting for you there.”

With that he blasted off like an E.L.F. missile and was gone in seconds, leaving her alone with a moaning lizard. In that moment she knew one thing with absolute certainty: she was going to do anything it took to never go near that fucking psychopath again.

“Holy shit.”