xx48.11.22 / 06:46 / Tuesday

I actually woke up about two hours ago. I've been pacing and thinking and fretting ever since. The stupid thing is that mostly there hasn't been a direction for my worries, I mean YES C2 and YES Veronica and YES weird mood control going on and YES Ray and his stupid gorgeous smile but—wait, did I just write 'gorgeous'? Where did THAT come from? I mean ... I'm not naive, I realise that a normal healthy young girl will begin to become interested in certain things but I've never had those ... um ... 'urges'? I have other things to worry about, higher priorities, I'm not interested in sex, I have more important things to be interested in! Conspiracies! Intrigue! The possibility that this school is gripped by the claw of an evil supervillain! And more than any of that, friendship! If there's one thing I've learnt from books and TV shows and movies it's that sex is a friendship-killer, once you start throwing all that complicated stuff into the friendship mix that's when things become difficult and messy and awkward. I don't even WANT a boyfriend. I'm CERTAINLY not ready for anything like sex, even just the THOUGHT of kissing makes me feel uncomfortable.

I have to focus. I feel like my head is getting cloudier every day, now that I'm aware that something might be going on it's obvious, but at the same time I keep forgetting, it's so easy to just let it slip away that I might be under some sinister control, that my mood and my thoughts may not be entirely my own. I need C2 around! She always makes things clear! When I talk to her, it's like I can think properly, her amazing logical straightforward way of putting things is exactly what I need to help me concentrate. If it wasn't so early I'd call her.

You know what's weird? The one thing I'm looking forward to today is stupid Veronica Flux's self-improvement class. I actually enjoyed myself yesterday and I feel like I DID improve myself—and I'm writing that with the full and total knowledge that there may have been some kind of brainwashing or mood control in play, I've thought it over from every angle and the things I learnt from the program are actually good and useful. It's not just about 'teamwork', it's about critical thinking, about approaching problems from different angles, and about using your own abilities and the abilities of those around you to their fullest. No matter how I think about it, those aren't 'evil' things. I mean, I'm actually USING some of the thought organisation techniques I learnt in the class to try to figure out what could be evil about it! That might very well be ironic!

Still, I'm not stupid. I don't trust Veronica and I don't trust the program. Probably all of this is just to lull people into a false sense of security. I'm sure that the ADVANCED self-improvement program is the REAL evil part of things.

I just can't figure out what it could be about. What possible evil application could there be to improving people's self-confidence, problem-solving skills and ability to work as an effective part of a team?

Maybe I'll get some answers today. I hope so.