xx48.11.21 / 16:58 / Still Monday

I am the worst friend ever in the history of all things. I can't even blame mood control, I'm just terrible. No matter what C2 says, I know I'm a Bad Person and a Bad Friend.

After class Ray grabbed me straight away (not literally, I just mean he kind of came over and I found myself following him) and led me to the gates. I tried to protest but he just grinned at me and said something like 'nah, come on, we'll have fun' and I giggled and kept following him.

"But I should change, I'm still in my uniform!" I said. He wasn't in uniform, not totally, he had a red leather jacket over his dark blue boy's shirt, it looked really good. He just grinned at me.

"You look cute in it."

I'm forced to admit that hearing that made me feel really good. I've never been called 'cute' before, not by anyone outside my family and that's different anyway. Just him grinning at me made me feel good, too.

So as it turned out ... I just abandoned C2. I stood her up. I left her standing outside my apartment waiting for me and I never showed up. And I didn't even do anything with Ray, we just walked around town and looked at shops and had milkshakes and then he said 'this was fun' (I don't want to admit this I don't want to write this down I really don't want to but it WAS it was SO FUN) and then he swaggered off (he definitely swaggers, there's no other word for it) and I had to call C2 at home and apologise. You know the worst part? She was NICE about it. She UNDERSTOOD. Actually no, that's not the worst part, you know the REALLY worst part? She was RELIEVED when I called her because she was WORRIED about me, she thought something happened to me and that's why I didn't show up, she thought I might've been hurt or something, she almost called the police!

She's such a good friend and I'm so unworthy of her. The way her parents acted, like I'm so amazing for being HER friend? They've got it ALL wrong, it's the exact reverse of that, SHE is SO amazing for being MY friend. I have to make it up to her, I don't know how but I have to think of something, something amazing. I have to SHOW her what she means to me, what our friendship means to me.

But what can I do? I can't think of anything. I wish I had more experience at this! Everything I know about friendship I've learnt from books and TV shows and movies but you know something? It's not like that at all! It's totally different! Well OKAY let's be fair there are SOME things that SOME books and TV shows and movies get right, but ... I don't know. Maybe it's the timescale. A movie is only like two hours long, how do you show a relationship in just two hours? And probably most of the movie won't even be ABOUT the friendship, if you boil it down an individual relationship probably only gets, I don't know, depends on the movie but let's say twenty minutes of targeted screentime, and from that I'm supposed to learn how to be a good friend?

Sigh. SIGH. SIGH.

I'm going for a run. I need to calm down, that's clear. I just read back this entry and it makes me feel sick. Run. Now. GO.