Today started in an unusual fashion.

- Master, wake up! Wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup!

- mumblemumblewatermelonbisquits...don'tsh...shark...shake me. Fve mmmr minutsss...

- Oh look, a pretty lady with a short skirt and a big posterior has dropped a coin and is currently bending over to pick it up.

- WHERE?!

I briskly rise, my clothes are shoved into my face.

- ...

- Here, get dressed and let's go! Go-go-gooo!~

- You filthy liar, repent for your sins!

- Kyaaah!

After a brisk skirmish the little Judas is defeated and sniffles after receiving a generous amount of educational spanking.

- Why are you so gung-ho anyway? You never woke up before me.

Oh riiight, now I remember. This is most likely connected to what she wrote yesterday. Then it's fine.

- You can stop crying like a baby, let's-a-go!

- Sob... Master is a cruel, evil person... Uuuuu...

- That so? In that case you probably wouldn't want to receive any of these sweet, succulent caramel candies from a bad person like me.

- Master is such a good and wonderful person! I'm happy that I could receive proper guidance from you, thank you so much for that!

So shameless, not an ounce of pride. I love it.

- Good girl. Aport!

I throw one of the candies in a curved line, she jumps up and catches it with her mouth. Such splendid skill, I can't help but applaud.

*This isn't training anymore, I'm calling child support services.*

With usual routine out of the way, we roll out to our first stop - the Flooded Dungeon. I can't wait to take a dip.

...I take it all back, I don't want any. Ever seen a moray eel? Those things are already terrifying and dangerous, but imagine one that's three meters long, a meter wide, has an array of crooked crystal fangs that hardly fit in its gullet. And right now it is battling against a transparent goblin shark that has porcupine needles (oozing some green liquid, no less) growing all over its body. No, just no. As a wise, pleasantly plump man with a beard once said, "fuck it".

*So informative.*

- "Brevity is the soul of wit" - Wilbur Snakeskin.

- N? What are you talking about out of the blue? Who is that person?

- He's the author of "Ranma and Jusenkyo", a love story about a man who had to dress as a woman to save his bride who was turned into a bear by a cursed stone.

- Oooooh! I want to hear more!!!

*I am so tired of your shit, John. Stop it, now. You are going to rot the child's brains at this rate.*

Sweet baby J, don't get you knickers in a bunch! What's gotten into you, woman? This is the first time it got so real, what's gotten into you?

*Did I just?... My deepest apologies, I don't know what happened. It might be you and your crass nature rubbing off onto me.*

Do you mean to say I've painted you in my colors? Eh? Eh? Nudge-nudge.

*I retract my previous apology, please go die in a ditch.*

We walk to the other dungeon while keeping up friendly lighthearted banter like this. Thankfully it doesn't take long for us to arrive, I think I might be cursed at this point from all the abuse I received. Then again, the sole fact of me being haunted by the voice of my computer wife should already be enough to classify it as a curse. I wonder if my former students have their own assistants? Hm. I don't really care about those trashy excuses of human beings, but I am somewhat curious as to how many of them are even alive at this point, after all those who were deemed useless got themselves into an unfortunate accident of some sort that was totally not orchestrated from behind the scenes.

As for the second dungeon... Can't say I'm impressed, honestly. For one, mobs are scarce and weak. When you think of a dungeon, you imagine a solitary place crawling with dangerous monsters, no? However, this one is crawling with humans, peddlers and food stall merchants instead. This isn't even a proper training ground as nine out of ten people come here either for thrill killing creatures that can't even count as monsters due to their weakness, and people who want to earn a quick buck by selling snacks, dirt cheap weapons of poor quality, etc.. From what I heard from the others, nobody seen a chest appear in a looong time and even if it does pop up into existence, it will have something trashy inside and will get mobbed by greedy people from all over the place. Long story short, this is nothing but a safe tourist spot at this point. I'm not amused, but let's at least check it out fully, since we are here anyway.

It took some forty minutes to reach the third floor, we can't progress any further as the guards protecting an imposing door say.

- Halt. This is the end, you've cleared the dungeon, congrats. This room is off limits though.

- Wait, really? That's it?

- Yeah... I'm sure you are disappointed - you aren't the first and aren't the last. Sorry, can't do anything about it - this place is just that unremarkable. Some people even come here with little kids like yours.

- I'm notmrmpghk! Mmmmmhuhuhu~ ❤

Her diminutive stature really comes in handy at times like this. Makes it easy to casually stuff her mouth with a bunch of candies when I'm having a conversation with someone else.

- I guess we are done here then. However, would you mind me being nosy for a sec? I'm curious as to what is behind those doors now. If that's not a secret you aren't allowed to say out loud, of course.

- Ah, that. It's common knowledge, don't worry. Dungeon's Core is stored there.

- Core, you say? Sounds fancy. Why guard it though?

- Well... It's not like it has any tangible value, so no one would try to steal it, but if it gets destroyed or taken outside, the whole thing will collapse upon itself.

- Gee, we don't want that, do we?

- Precisely.

- ...can we take a peek at it?

- Sorry, can't do. Captain's orders.

- Aw come on man! Be a friend! It's kid's birthday today, she buzzed all day yesterday how much she wanted to see how a real dungeon looks like - we even came all the way from Kruz to take a look. But it ended up as a bust - this one was...yeah...and the other one turned out to be thoroughly flooded almost up to the very entrance. Help me out~ We wouldn't be a nuisance - in and out like a summer breeze. It's not like an average guy and a kid could do anything against properly trained soldiers anyway even if we were up to no good, right?

I slip him one silver coin and subtly point at him with my index finger, then slip in another one and point at his partner with my thumb.

- Hmmm, yeees. I would be a downer if the girl went back home disappointed. Fine, take a quick peek then leave and keep quiet about it, 'kay? We wouldn't hear the end of it if capn' finds out. Also, no touching.

- Thanks mate, you're the best. Kid, let's go.

We walk in, watched over by the two fellows. An ornate pedestal protrudes from the floor up to my chest, a tumor-like rocky growth is pulsating with colorless light on top of it.

Unremarkable, just like the rest of the dungeon. Out of lazy curiosity I check it with my eyes and...

Dungeon Core (fake) - [item/misc] - a fake dungeon core. No power stored.

I can't help but feel elated: maybe this wasn't a giant waste of time after all. After examining it more thoroughly I notice a thin light blue line stretching from it on the floor and in the direction outside the doors back to the third floor.

- Uh, sorry to interrupt you but...

- Sure, no worries. We'll be leaving now, thanks for allowing us to see something interesting. Did you have fun?

Wink.

- Y-yes! Thank you, mr.Guard.

- Our pleasure, little missus. Stay safe on the way back.

- Bye, guys.

- Goodbye, misters.

I keep a steady pace and follow the thread without giving away that I noticed anything. When we get out of the guards' earshot, she immediately starts complaining.

- What was that all about? I got treated as a little child because of you! Boo!

- Right, right, sorry and thank you for your noble sacrifice. We managed to get a lead on something interesting thanks to that.

Her ears perk up.

- Really?! Tell me, tell me!

- All in a good time. For now just let me track this thing, it is getting thinner.

We backtrack to the stairs between the third and second floors, thread weaves around a boulder that is standing really close to a wall, then disappears into it.

I barely squeeze through the gap and touch the wall. To my surprise my hand passes right through it. Illusion?

- Follow me, we found it.

I continue further and go through the fake wall. A long tunnel illuminated with torches is before us, there's no sign of the thread anymore.

- What is this?

- Beats me. The real dungeon, I'd wager. Let's take a quick peek and bail if something happens.

We walk through the tunnel and enter a room of some sort; a gate not unlike the one we seen before the fake core is separating us from whatever is behind it.

- Master? I think we are being told to leave.

- What makes you think that?

She points at the ceiling.

- Ooooooooooh. Okay then. Nice garlands, I guess?

Numerous corpses are hanged by their necks from the ceiling. Some of them dangling - clearly undead.

- Yep. Uh-huh. Right-o. Duly noted.

- What do we do now?

- This seems interesting all of a sudden, why not following the initial plan? We press on and if something beyond our capabilities happens we bail immediately. If we get separated for whatever reason - run towards the exit and don't waste any time trying to find me. I'll do the same. We'll meet up at the inn if afterwards if that scenario does come to pass. You follow?

- Yes, completely.

- Let's get a move on then.

We pass through the door. There's a lone revenant mucking about, he's got next to none skills, none of them battle oriented. Disease Resistance does catch my eye, but it's whatever. I don't want it.

We slowly approach him, this is going to be a piece of cake. Five meters left, it notices us. Not like it'll help you, slow-ass motherf...

It lets out a cry and sprints at me full speed. I'm caught off guard and tumble to the ground with it when it tackles me. Cheatsy bastard, don't just suddenly switch from Romero's rules to 28's rules!

Kid is too shocked to do anything, I guess I'm on my own.

Bloody rotter aims to bite into my neck and be done with it, I'm too slow to push him off and protect my throat with my forearm. Rotting teeth sink into my flesh, I desperately deliver crushing attacks to his ribs with my right hand and feel the side of his ribcage give in, but it isn't effective as he doesn't feel any sort of pain.

- Fffffff...get off me!

I begrudgingly steal the Disease Resistance, as I'm still not sure if these things can convert the living into their ranks. Even if they can't I want none of the shit he had in his saliva in my bloodstream.

I channel mana into my forearm and clad it into the tiniest film of light magic - that's the best I can do in a crappy situation like this where there's no way to have any semblance of concentration.

It howls and flinches. Kid finally snaps out of it, seizes it into a chokehold from behind like I taught her and desperately pulls it away from me just enough that I can grab a knife and plunge it into the revenant's forehead. I use the second charge to share the Disease Resistance with the kid just in case. She touched that thing with her bare skin, I don't want her to contract leprosy or something.

- Are you alright?!

- In a way, yeah. I think that's our cue to leave, it ain't worth it.

We stand up, turn around and bolt, but the door we came in is sealed shut.

- Fuckin'-a. Me and my damn curiosity. Alright, alright... Let's go to the end, we seem to be invited. Keep your eyes peeled.

Next room looked like a dilapidated dining hall that wasn't used in ages, dozens of unmoving skeletons we seated at the long rectangular table, food long rotted away from the plates. Poisoned?

I check each individual one from a distance and sure enough - there are battle ready undead hidden among them here and there.

- Careful, there are dead-not-dead ones lying in ambush amongst the dead-dead ones.

She's visibly nervous. I think back and decide to give her the chance she wanted since we are stuck in here anyway.

- Wanna try fight one or two of them by yourself?

- Yes! But. Can I win? That last one shaken my confidence.

- If it bleeds, we can kill it.

- ...it's a skeleton though.

- Exactly. Now use your head. It can't bleed and has no inner organs, making usage of most bladed weapons moot. Theeereeefoooreee?

- I use my baton!

- Pin-pon, right answer. Don't get yourself surrounded and we should be fine. Take out the ones that have weapons first. Ready?

- Ready!

I approach the closest unliving one, grab his skull from behind and smash it into the table. Others understand that the jig is up and stand up on by one. I grab a chair and start smashing skeletons on the left side of the table, kid takes the right side. She finishes her portion faster as there are fewer of them on that side and assists me by flanking the remaining skellies from behind. It ends swiftly.

- Phew... How's the feeling, kid? Pretty sure this is the first time you fought by yourself with your life on the line. Anything wrong?

- No, no, I'm fine. Just shaking a little.

- That's just adrenaline rush, you'll get used to it eventually.

After scouring the room we found nothing but more traces of rotted food and cobwebs. I look over every kitchen knife and take every one of them that isn't rusted - I'm not keen on going into melee anymore, might as well fling pointy things from afar instead.

Next room is empty, if you don't count a massive door made of granite and a winged statue hunched next to it. Not noticing any obvious traps I reach for the chain that serves as its doorknob.

- I wouldn't do it if I were you.

- Fuckssakeyoupieceofshit! Don't startle me like that, I nearly shat myself you asshole!

- I-I'm sorry? I didn't mean to... Wait a second, why am I even apologizing to an intruder?!

Oh, it was the statue who turned its head and spoke. A gargoyle?

Name

-

Race

Construct - Gargoyle

Age

?

Battle Skills

Martial Arts lvl.2

Sensory Skills

Detect Presence⋆

Movement Skills

Flight⋆

Recovery Skills

No Sleep Required⋆, No Oxygen Required⋆

Resistances

Poison Immunity, Sleep Immunity, Physical Damage Immunity

Titles

Guardian of the Gate

Physical Damage Immunity...

Physical Damage Immunity...

Physical Damage Immunity...

I snap, grab its shoulders and shake him.

- You sick fuck! You piece of SHIT! Motherfucker, you think it's funny, huh?! Wanna die?! Why the hell didn't you come out immediately when we entered and I had all of my charges?! Teasing son of a bitch! You are a freak! A FREAK!

- Goodness, chill!!! What's gotten into you man?!

- Haaah...haaah... No, nevermind - I just got overexcited for a moment... You are still a bitch though, fuck you and your nonexistent eyebrows. I hope you die in a fire.

- I don't think I deserved that?... Did I offend you in some way? M-my sincerest apologies?

- Forget it. You wanted to say something right? I'm in a foul mood right now, so spit it out before I smite your ass with holy magic.

- Ah, yes. My duty.

He coughs in his fist. How do you even manage to do that with no lungs?

- Listen, mortal!

Oh, he's serious now. False facade of a busy businessman?

- I! Am the Guardian of this gate. If you wish to pass, thou has to answer my riddle. Get it right - you are free to pass. Get it wrong - and you shall be shredded to bits with my claws! Muahahahaha!

- Drop the theatrics before I kick your ass.

- ...I'm sorry.

What a pain in the rear.

- Fine, voice your stupid riddle, I ain't got whole day to play around with you.

- Very well then. Khm-khm! "I never was, yet always will be. I'm never seen, yet always come. I carry nothing, but hold so much. What am I?"

The heck is that? I can think of a few things, but there's only one try before he aggroes.

- I know this might be very Jewish of me, but allow me to answer your question with another question. Several of them, even. Am I right to think that you are incapable of moving from your pedestal unless I touch the door, answer incorrectly or attack you?

- Yes, that much is true.

- Any other way for you to gain permission to move?

- No, not really.

- I see, I see... Last question: if I just so happened to walk to the other side without touching you or the door, you wouldn't be able to do jack to us, right?

- Why are you asking?

- Answer me.

- Well... It is an impossible situation, but I wouldn't be able to attack you, no.

- Hehe...ehehehehe... In that case~

I approach the wall next to the gate an apply earth magic to it. It starts gradually melting into a tunnel.

- Suce ma bite, mon garçon! Onhonhonhon!

- No, stop! W-what are you doing?! Y-you shall not pass!

- Oh shut it, Dumbledore. I'm not breaking any rules, so screw you.

- Please, I'm begging you! Stooooooop!

I ignore him and quickly work on the tunnel. Can't believe I haven't thought of this before, but at least now we'll be able to return even with the doors closed. I disappear into the tunnel.

Kid looks at the gargoyle with great pity and gives it an apologetic bow.

- I'm sorry, mr. Dumbledore. This is the way master is, so just accept it please.

- My name isn't Dumbledoooore!!!

Gargoyle starts sobbing. Sigh. Fine, whatever. I peek from inside the tunnel.

- Oi, crybaby. The answer is "tomorrow", you happy? Now go fuck yourself. Bye.

I return to the tunnel and never see him again.

- ...yes, that is the correct answer. Thank you for playing with me.

Gargoyle smiles softly.

____________________________________________________________________________

We were descending these stairs for what feels like an hour. How deep underground even are we?

As I were contemplating on turning stairs into a slope, then taking the breastplate off and using it like a sled, we make it to what feels to be the bottom. I kick down the door and...

It's a chapel. A kilometer below the surface. Crazy. I bet ten to one there are mole people hiding somewhere nearby.

We enter the pitch black building, all the chandeliers light up with blue flames, illuminating bald, pale, skinny creatures with long limbs ending in sharp claws. They are all hunched down, sitting on the church benches and seemingly praying. Or maybe hibernating, waiting for their boss to come out, say a speech, and only then start attacking. Not gonna wait for that.

I throw one of the kitchen knives at the back of the nearest creature's head, it slumps and falls. We are standing right behind the doors, hoping to fight them off by funneling them into the bottleneck, but they just don't seem to notice. Fine by me. I throw all the remaining knives only missing a few, then we finish the rest in close quarters.

Room is littered with corpses. I'm glad we didn't have to fight, but this feels wrong. As if these things were dolls on strings and the puppeteer left for a moment, rendering them immobile. What a creepy though.

Next room seems to be the last, I see no viable exists or doors. What's even the purpose of this room? We made it all the way to the end for a whole lot of nothing. Wait, thinking logically, that's nigh impossible. So either there's a hidden switch of some sort, or...

Oh no. I realize what the "purpose" is and Intuition confirms my suspicion a second later. What useless software, you are too late with the warning.

I battle with the sinking feeling, there's still one last thing I can do.

- Kid. Survive. Run and never look back.

I grab her shoulder and belt, then throw her small body towards the exit back to the chapel with everything I have. There's no point conserving energy or being afraid to pull a muscle.

I can almost hear the being watching us click its tongue at having half the prey get away, then pull a lever.

Ground gives way under my feet, the entirety of the room's floor collapses.

My mind goes into overdrive by sheer instinct, not asking my permission. Idiot, you are just prolonging the inevitable. There's no need for extra time, no schemes will get me out of this mess. Finally, the end of the line for me.

As I fall painfully slowly with the world crawling like a lazy slug, I feel sticky malice and burning hunger coming from the hundreds of revenants at the bottom of the pit, reaching their hands upwards, wanting to be the first to take a bite. Above me is the familiar face of a stranger that I met not so long ago. No use screaming and crying, kid. Just go and be strong. I never managed to start a family, so inherit all that's mine and try to live a happy life.

This is actually somewhat funny now that I think about it. There was a time when I killed a small girl not much unlike her just so I could live on. But now I did the exact opposite. Karma is such a cruel mistress.

Those were the last thoughts that rushed through Jonathan's mind as he met his end in the pit crawling with the evil dead.

And then there was nothing.