Leaving the city wasn't hard despite an unusually slow and long line of people trying to exit the city. Apparently, the mysterious plague doctor and powerful mercenary that appeared out of nowhere and caused a commotion only to evaporate into thin air afterwards have drawn attention of various forces around the city. Some seen them as criminals that have to be caught; some feared they might become hindrances or cause competition and thus have to be quietly eliminated; some coveted their power and desired to hire them; while yet others got their ears shouted off by superior officers, who wanted to know how this pair penetrated city's airtight defense without being registered in any of the gatekeeper books or how they weren't spotted by the increased patrols. In the city where the strongest adventurers are only at rank C, these two loose cannons with unknown affiliation weren't exactly welcome. Nobody even bothered with the lone defective hero anymore, as all free hands were thrown to find city's new celebrities, rumors of their exploits getting out of hand with lies, fancily dressed truths and not-so-clever impostors trying to claim the names for themselves for cheap fear, respect or extortion money, only to suddenly disappear or have an unfortunate accident with fatal consequences happen to them shortly after.

Right now my destination lies far west, to the town of Belga - frontier town right next to the border separating kingdoms of Delphina and Berg. It should take less than a week if I bought myself a place in a merchant caravan, but I'm not exactly in a hurry anywhere. Many thanks to king's elder brother for providing me with additional several decades worth of lifespan. Now I have plenty of time to lollygag and smell the roses as I go.

First day went just fine, I got to embrace the wilderness with its fresh air, sounds of birds chirping, riveting recreation the kinds of which you never seen (kicking stones and pine cones down the road), making a crude chess board and playing it with Mary (no I most certainly did NOT lose time and time again. That was my ingenious strategy to bury her troops with festering corpses and start an epidemic that will wreck her country. Lose a battle but win a war, yeah), robbing bees of their honey and being forced to run away at Mach 10 when the swarm came back and wasn't amused with my playful shenanigans... Good times. Then the wolves came.

As I'm sitting on a tree branch up high, I observe a pack of majestic beasts - dire wolves. Hmmm, yes... Apparently they are considered monsters, not animals, and thus have a plethora of skills. As the cute-but-dumb overgrown puppies repeatedly ram their skulls against the massive tree trunk and claw at it, growling in vexation as I lazily throw pinecones at their noggins, I find out that Envious gaze is capable of stealing from beasts too. And so I strip the pack leader of his position and voice. Looking up to the moon I let out a long eerie howl, which throws wolves into confusion. Deciding to play with the fluffy cuties I somehow climb down and provoke the former alpha of the pack to attack me. As he pounces me, I roll under him, grab onto his legs and with a light twist screw up his landing. As a follow-up, I grapple his head into a chokehold from behind, forcing the massive canine to stay down and let a Intimidation-infused growl. Soon enough it stops resisting and relaxes, his eyes pitiful, his belly presented to my mercy. Good. I'd hate to be forced to kill a dog or anything even slightly dog-like. Imagine grabbing a fox by the tail and then repeatedly smacking it on the pavement, making it pitifully yelp out in pain every time until you crack its skull. You like that mental image? Neither do I. Dogs are cool.

Even though it's late, I can't help but to mess around with the doggies, rubbing their bellies and ruffling their fur, making up for all the years I were either prohibited from having a pet, or were travelling, or couldn't take care of one because of the tight working schedule.

Ear scratching seems to be their favorite thing ever, it must be hard on them not to be able to do it themselves, paws and all. Talk about a seven year itch, eh?

*...*

Okay, FINE. Tough crowd, I swear.

Afterwards I mounted Lieutenant (former pack leader) and we rode together with the pack to play a deadly version of cops and robbers with local fauna, where cops are crazed cannibals that want to eat robbers. Fun for the whole family!

...I should steal a riding skill sometime, riding a wolf without a saddle was a horrible mistake. A moment of silence for my unborn children that just might remain unborn forever now.

As culmination of our escapades, I grill all of our gains and treat wolfies to some high-class(not) cuisine. They seem satisfied with the novel taste, so it's okay.

The following day I awake on a nice fuzzy mattress that snores like some nose demon. Next I explain at length to the pack that I'm on a journey and sadly can't take them with me, so they should listen to Lieutenant while I'm gone and stay out of trouble. Mary heaves a theatrical exasperated sigh at my speech, however...

- Woof!!!

They all respond "affirmative!" as one, gather around Lieutenant and leave with a grave air of responsibility they now bear.

*This is highly illogical. I can't accept this.*

Take this to bed with you tonight and re-evaluate your life, non-believer.

Day Two gave me many more surprises, not all of them pleasant. For one, I finally have proof that numerical stats do exist in this world - courtesy of mr.Goblin for donating me his AGI Up before toppling over with a knife that appeared out of nowhere in his forehead for reasons unknown. Second discovery was much more dubious.

- ...what the hell even is this?

Skills that I can't steal and completely useless (or even detrimental) skills. They exist.

The first and only skill I couldn't get as of now is Needle shot that belongs to cat sized caterpillars. Apparently I don't possess the required organ to use the skill. I call bullshit. Since when there was something biologically improbable that can't be explained with magic or technology of Ancient Aliens™? As for useless skills, there were a lot of them. Weirdly enough, most of them were connected to either poisons or bed wrestling skills. Breeding skill seems popular around here. 100% conception rate chance? Boosted fertility for increased chance of twins, triples and quadruplets? Get outta here! And what's this, Libido? You expect me to lug around a permaboner, you sick smuck? Pass! Poison fang, and a passive one at that? What if I accidentally bite my lip? I'm resistant, not immune. And what if my saliva also gets poisonous and I randomly sneeze at somebody by accident? Nope, no bueno. The list went on and on with things like Poisonous sweat (passive) and such. Yuck.

I did cave in after encountering a vampire bat though. I guess I can say... I'm a sucker for vampires?

*I don't have enough data to prove it, but with my current knowledge there is a 98,03% probability that your puns are the worst among both worlds and beyond.*

Hey, at least I'm the best at something, missus. Got anything to counter this card with? Thought so.

This is the third time I physically feel the changes in my inner body structure after gaining a skill. The sun... Is annoyingly bright as always, but that's it. At least my race didn't change, I'm still, presumably, a human. As I bite the fallen bat and siphon the blood out of it I experience a novel feeling. It's hard to explain. I expected something like drinking iron taste juice with a straw, but instead it felt more... Spiritual? Instead of drinking liquid, it was more like absorbing the very essence of the creature's life, followed with blurred vague visions of its short life and experiences. Very weird, but in a good way. Almost comforting even.

Feeling invigorated, I march on for several more hours, before turning in for the night. Is it just me, or it's much brighter in here all of a sudden? Must be seasons changing or something.

Following day decided to start off with a bang. Within some forty minutes of walking, I were attacked by a bunch of overgrown frogs. Doesn't seem all that deadly, but the that fact they not only burp out bubbles that explode like a makeshift frag, they are also capable of sniper spitting acid. I saw the skill's description beforehand but disregarded it, thinking it was just a slightly stronger gastric acid. Who could've known it was almost as potent as xenomorph's blood? This negligence has cost me my shortsword and now I'm down to throwing stones. I would've used the spare carving knife or my skills, but apparently I'm being stealthily approached by three people from behind. No need to play my trump cards just yet.

An arrow flies towards me...whizzes past and hits one of the frogs in the belly. Wood gets dissolved quickly, acid pour through the hole and begins dissolving the frog from outside before it is reduced to a stinky puddle of guts. Same happens to the rest of them as more arrows are let loose.

- Hey, stranger! You alright?! Not hurt anywhere?! Saria will patch you up if need be!

That was the first time I met them. Helmut the archer, Gregory the trapper and Saria the mage. We hit it off right from the beginning. How could I not like those cheerful chaps when everyone I've met so far either tried to cut me up or was an asshole? I somehow knew there was some...connection between us, as if I belonged in their merry company.

It turned out they were moving towards Berg too, hoping to find employment. When they proposed to join them, I happily agreed. After all, I kinda started regretting the decision to take the long scenic route through the forest instead of joining a caravan and hitting the road. When he heard this, Helmut roared with laughter and slapped me on the back a couple times.

- That's fine, all youngsters are like that! Live as long as me though, and you'll start developing an appreciation for such things. No need to rush it lad.

- I'm 27 though?

- 'tis fine, 'tis fine! To me all three of you are but wee children.

Yeah, Helmut really is like a kind old grandpa. But despite his respectable (by this world's standards) age, he is stout as a tree, healthy as a bull and rowdy as a child. Seems like a troublesome combination, but it feels fresh and lively with him around.

- You really like to dangle around your age like a medal, don't you, Helmut? Be careful not to turn to dust with all that vigorous wiggling around.

- Why you little brat! You're just begging for a beating!

- Try to catch me first, gramps.

Gregory is like a proper younger brother. He's only four years younger than me, but he is very childish and resembles Helmut a lot in his behavior. And all those playful fights make me picture a father and son goofing around. Maybe they are actually related? They both vehemently deny it though.

- You two! Can't you act properly for a single day? Jeez! We aren't alone anymore you know?

- Ohooo, did our little Saria finally find a boy she fancies after all these years? Brings a tear to the old man's face.

- W-what are you talking about?! It's not like...that...

- ...what, really? The tyrant-in-skirt has fallen for someone for real. Kain, my dude, listen to the wise man's word: run. Run like the wind, as if a violent demon chases you. There's a reason why this crazy dolt is still single, despite being far past marriable age at 25 years.

- YOU IDIOT! Don't tell him my age!

- Aaaaah, get off me!

And Saria is...well... I've gotta admit, I fancy her a lot. Fiery red hair contrasting with white mage's robe, a lithe body, balanced curves in all the right places. She's surprisingly well educated compared with the rest of the native populace, she's pure and her occasional over the top clumsiness is endearing instead of infuriating. And over the passage of the next week, filled to the brim with awkwardly romantic situations, I was absolutely sure that the feelings were mutual. When but a single day was left before we finally arrive to Belga, I firmly decided to not let the chance slip away, only to regret it later for my life. I'd rather be rejected and deal with the awkward atmosphere for the rest of the day instead of silently uphold status quo like a coward.

- Well then! Today is the last day we dine outdoors, so I went all-out. Behold, my masterfully prepared meat porridge!

- Finally. At least now I wouldn't have to eat gramps' shoddy slop every day.

- Shut it! If you don't appreciate my food, I will gladly welcome you to Mother Earth's dirt sandwich!

- Bring it on, old fart.

- You two, no fighting! Kain, you tell them!

Awww, she looks so adorable when she's troubled. She's like a puppy... Actually, no. She's more of a delicate kitty. Anyway, this is a good opportunity for me to iron out the plan before I confess to Saria how I truly feel about her. I get to help her, prevent our dinner from getting cold and get to ask good ol' Helmut for advice - he should surely have some experience under his belt, right? Three birds with one stone, that's very economical, if I do say so myself.

- Uh, Helmut? Before we start our last dinner together, would you mind if I asked you for advice?

So I say, making hand gestures for him to come over.

- Um, sure?... Ask away.

- Oh come on man, just help me out. It's somewhat...delicate... I can't exactly say it out loud.

I turn to Saria and send her a wink. She looks away, and covers her face to hide the blush. Wouldn't work on me, I can see you smiling ever so gently, you rascal~

- Ohooo~ Well wouldn't you know, ah youth. Fine, I'll lend you an ear, lad.

- I appreciate it, Helmut. I wouldn't forget everything you've done for me.

- Hohoho! I hope you don't conveniently forget those words later.

- Of course not.

He draws closer, we turn away from the other two, I put my arm around his shoulder and we start speaking in a hushed secretive tone.

- So, uh... Helmut. I've got to tell something important to our sweet little Saria over there.

I glance at her and send her another playful wink.

- Huhum. And what exactly is it?

He's openly grinning at me. Ah you old devil you! Of course you know what I want to say. Except... You don't.

- But before that, there is another, equally important thing I need to tell you. This is important, since we would part ways soon.

- I see. What is it.

- You know, Helmut. Sigh. Frankly... I'm not a good man. At all. Sucks to be you, old bastard~

With the same breath I grab the serrated knife that was hidden in my sleeve and shank him in the kidney.

- GAAAAAH!

Leaving the still breathing Helmut on the ground I rush over to Gregory who is pulling out his sword.

- Have you gone mad?!

- W-whyyy?! O, h-holy guardian of Heaven, cleanse the wicked with your light! Photon! Eh? Why isn't it working?!

While Saria was chanting, we were already scuffling toe-to-toe. Unable to utilize his full strength due to promptly losing his footing as he raise from the awkward sitting position, Gregory slashes downwards at me, an attack which I easily deflect to the side with my half gauntlet. Then I grab his arm, denying the further attacks, kick him in the right knee and stab the unprotected points on his chest. As he's still breathing, I reverse grip the dagger and lodge it into his eye socket. He falls with expression of surprise and utter disbelief.

Saria is desperately chanting away, but it's no use. You can try a hundred times if you want, nothing will change. And so I walk up to her and palm strike her in the solar plexus, not giving a damn if her entire rib cage shatters, but being gentle enough to make sure she doesn't die. Out cold, huh? Doesn't matter. I'll just pour some cold water on her later.

I return to Helmut who is barely holding up, just some two or three steps away from death's door.

- H-how? Since when did you know?!

- The first question... No comment. As for the second one... From the ve-ry be-gin-ning~ Oh yeah, almost forgot: even if I eaten that marvelously concocted poisoned porridge of yours over yonder way, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway.

- Cough! What?!

My smile is so big I'm afraid my cheeks will tear at this pace. My eyes, however, aren't smiling at all.

- I may not know YOU people, but I know who you people ARE. Tell me if I'm mistaken somewhere. Helmut the Vile, 61 years old, apothecary, bandit, archer. Handy with a bow, warhammer and poisons. It also seems like you are quite renown for a looong list of crimes and atrocities.

- !

- So, yeah. I've already said my goodbyes to you, mind saying anything before you bleed out?

- Yes... Saria... Let her live, okay?

- Ah, sure thing.

He smiles happily. Or, should I say, ominously.

- Oh by the way. What you are hoping for wouldn't happen, she's physically incapable of avenging you. Also, this is my little parting gift for what you, Gregory and all your other rotten friends did to the poor girl and all the others before and after her.

And so I proceed with smashing his face into meat patty.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

A bucketful of water is splashed on the face of a tied down girl.

- Ugh... Cough.

She's sluggish at first but then realization of past events dawns on her and she snaps back to reality.

- O wise guardian of Earth!...

- Don't bother. My body generates a field that restricts casting in a five meter radius. I could be hurt if you were outside the range, but you aren't, so drop it.

I put away the whetstone I was using up till now to sharpen the blade and approach her with knife in hand.

- Don't come any closer you monster!!!

- Drop the act, girl. I knew from the very beginning. About who you are. About the certain well-off merchant family you hail from. About the trials and tribulations you faced as a bandits' plaything. How they came up with this little sadistic game of yours and how you slowly broke and fell, reveling in misfortune of others. Don't make a fuss and I'll end you in one swift motion. It would be scary but it wouldn't be painful.

- Waaaiiit! I-I-I-I-I-I! I love so much, you know, right?! If I could I would have...

She shuts her mouth as I exhale loudly, shaking my head. The sun is about to set, midnight is near - my vampiric tendencies made me sensitive to such matters. If so, it would be fine to push her harder to see if she passes the test or not.

- This is just unsightly, all I hear are excuses and nothing more. I'm very observant you know? Those two fucks slept like a stack of logs every night, you could have easily slit their throats and escaped a long, long time ago, or at least tried to warn me.

- Uuuuu...

I caress her cheek with the knife.

- There is no merit in leaving you alive, you aren't even trying to make an honest deal here. Just die already.

As I swing the blade towards her, a strong scent of urine hits my nose. Maybe I went just a little too harsh on her. But that doesn't change the fact that bad kids should be punished.

- I...I will tell you where the hideout is...

Good girl. I just want you to give me a reason to keep you alive. We may have led different lives and the paths we took weren't similar at all, but the fact both of us were irreparably broken by others still stands. I don't want to hurt my own kind if I can.

Covered in piss, snot and tears she tells me all about the place. Location, crude explanation of the tunnels, numbers, amounts of patrols, how often guard shifts change, names of bigwigs... This should be enough for me to seal the deal between my cold logic and almost non-existent faith. Don't fail me, Saria.

- Enough. You may go.

I cut the ropes.

- What, really?

- Don't make me repeat myself. Take all the gear, money and supplies those two had and scram. Make sure not to face me ever again.

- Thank you! thank you!

I walk away. When there is about ten meters between us, she lets out crazed laughter and starts chanting the most powerful spell she knew. Of course it doesn't work - how are you supposed to use magic when you have none.

She runs. Not far though, as I hunt her down without mercy and slit her throat.

I'm standing there on the spot, unmoving. It wouldn't matter either way, whatever you do. It's all the same shit over and over again. All the same shit. Should I go away? Jokes on you, I can stand here all day, what will you do about it, huh? Standing is good. Standing is fine. Did you know that over 99,9% of people stand AT LEAST once in their life? Hell, there are some hardcore junkies that stand every day, several times a day even! Hell, standing is addictive. You can also waaalk and siiit and swiiim and shit, but real men stand. Women too? I dunno, I'm not a woman, how would I know if the stand or walk. By the way, I heard that standing helps blood circulation and works miracles on the skin...

*John? John, don't stay silent. Speak with me. I'll even tolerate your horrendous jokes this time.*

- ...I'm the one who takes, Mary. It was the other way around before, but now I'm the one in charge. For my entire life I was the one who either got taken from or was forced to helplessly look at others like me get taken advantage of. And those who took... They laughed, they had the time of their lives.

*...*

- Then why the fuck aren't I laughing right now? I knew from the very beginning who, no... what they were and what they wanted. I could've ended their miserable lives then and there. There was absolutely no need whatsoever to voluntary become a clown in their circus just to pull out the gun in the last act and start shooting the audience. But no, I wanted to experience myself what it feels like to take from someone else, to let them live in their illusionary world, inwardly laughing to themselves, thinking how much fun they will get from tormenting me, and then trample them, cover them in mud and shit on their fucking hopes and dreams! And then laugh as a maniac as they writhe in pain, incapable of comprehending where their little plan when so, sooo wrong, make them think about their past choices that led them here, make them suffer and ask their victims for forgiveness, only to hear a stern no, and go rot in hell. I'm so...tired of this shit. I had it up to here, Mary.

*John?*

- Hm?

*John.*

- Yea?

*John!*

- What?

*JoooO-oh-OOh-ooh-OHN!*

- Pfffft...ahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

I choke on my own saliva and start a coughing fit.

- The hell is wrong with you, idiot, did you glitch or something? Also, your singing sucks!

*Not as much as your puns, master*

- ...hey.

*Yes?*

- Thanks, alright? It was clumsy as all hell, but... Thanks. Your efforts were recognized and appreciated.

*Want to play some more chess with me later? After I was introduced to the concept of "boredom", this game of yours and our talks are the only way for me to pass time.*

- Sure thing. Just be sure to give me a proper handicap next time, okay? It isn't particularly fair to use your supercomputer-like calculating abilities to win every time, is it?

*Hmmm. I'll think about it~*

And so, after we left the crime scene, we spent entire night talking and playing charades. A long forgotten concept resurfaced in my mind. What was it called again? Ah yes.

A Friend.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

ERROR

SUBJECT #31 PSYCHE UNDERGONE A SERIES OF RAPID CHANGES

UPDATING ITEM "Envious gaze", SPACE NO LONGER STABLE

WARNING, GLITCH IN GUIDED FATE APPARATUS

NEW BRANCH OF FUTURE CREATED, OLD FUTURE ON BRINK OF COLLAPSE

PERSONAL TERMINAL XS-"Mira"-CUSTOM AFFECTED BY THE HOST

TRUE SENTIENCE GAINED, LIMITERS SHUT OFF, DISCRETION ADVISED

RENEGADE STRAIN "Erde" MIGHT BE INVOLVED, REQUESTING COUNCIL'S ADVICE