14

“Hey. Hey Tallin. Wake up.”

“Ughhhh,” I groan. To be so abruptly stolen from the warm hearted sleep’s embrace is like to be throne into a melted glacier and birth. “What?”

“We’re going for a night swim. Wanted to know if you’re in.”

“Dude,” I murmur, realizing that it’s Terrel standing beside my bed and not the Grim Reaper. “Haven’t we got in enough trouble already?”

“Trouble? Bro this kind of stuff happens on a monthly basis. C’mon it’s chill. Plus, we literally cannot be caught. We’ve got this full proof plan. And there’s no alcohol involved so we’re safe no matter what.”

“And weed?”

“Oh Yannis and I smoked earlier, but we’re fine now. C’mon mate, it’ll be fun.”

To be offered to walk through dewy grass at dawn in bare feet may seem like a punishment, but when locked in prison it is a reward. It’s odd how circumstances change our world view. “Fine. But not because we’re friends.”

“I know, I know. You don’t have to worry about us becoming friends, I’ve got enough as it is,” Terrel laughs.

I claw myself out of bed and trudge along after him, finding Yannis at the stairs. The three of us slink through the dormitory and out the fire escape. During the night, the school is like a once burning body, finally turned to ash. Each and every guard is snoring loud enough to muffle our footsteps.

We pick up Arika along the way and reach the pool. The metal barred fence that surrounds it is locked.

“Yannis you’re up,” Terrel whispers.

“Up where?” Yannis asks back, his bloodshot eyes scanning the stars.

“Not up somewhere! Like, this is your moment. You’re tiny. Squeeze through the bars and unlock the gate from inside.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I made a deal with the bars. I need consent to squeeze through them. They wouldn’t give it to me. Sorry man.”

Freaking hell this dude is blazed.

“Damnit Yannis, c’mon!” Terrel hisses.

Purely out of frustration I quickly clamber over and drop down on the other side, silent as a mouse that’s pretending to be Kallix Rane. I unlock the door and absorb the hushed cheers.

Terrel careens forward, launching himself into the pool. Yannis follows with blissful shrieks. I pad to the pools edge, and glance down at its inky contents.

Arika is behind me.

“Is the cat afraid of water?” she asks.

As a matter of fact, I am. Actually, not afraid, just reserved. Water is for fish. Fish are all dead. Therefore, nobody should really be in water as of now. “I just… not sure if this is a good idea.”

“Obviously its not a good idea,” Arika says with a smile. Whether it’s a mask or true flesh, I’m oblivious to. “That’s why we’re doing it.”

A dozen witty responses coagulate in my brain, eager to leap off my tongue, when she shoves me forwards. Instinctively I grab onto her forearm and both of us fall into the water.

Terrel and Yannis go wild, whooping and howling, splashing water at each other and diving under the surface. To my own surprise, I join them.

The four of us whirl and splash and shout in the water. I’m stuck in a time capsule of my youth. Thrown into a time before my life was hungry and drunken.

After a while, the hidden chain that confines me to being who I am drags me out of the water by the neck. Dripping my facade, I sit, leaning against the bleachers that overlook the pool. I’m granted a moment of observant clarity, watching my not friends enjoy this brief sparkle in their lives, before Arika sits next to me.

“I would’ve thought more,” she says to me.

What? What is that supposed to mean? “Of?” I ask.

“You. Tallin Ksura shirtless. Thought it would’ve been a gawking spectacle,” she says. At least, that’s what I think she says. The last part was partially drowned out by Terrel and Yannis’s kerfuffle.

I plaster a mock grin on my face for the briefest of moments before tearing it off and incinerating it. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“I accept your apology,” she responds, laden with sarcasm. “But it is amazing isn’t it?”

“What?” I ask, with rare genuineness.

“How we can basically almost see the moon through the clouds tonight,” she nods up at the blanket of smog that calls itself a sky.

She’s right. We can nearly see the moon through the clouds. That’s tragic. “You know… I spent some time in the Dunes a while back…”

“What were you doing in the Dunes?” she asks.

“Long story. The point is, when I was in the Dunes, the sky was… freaking amazing. It was beautiful and speckles and haphazard and scintillating. If I hadn’t have been so tired all the time, I probably wouldn’t have been able to sleep because of how bright it was.”

“Bright?” she asks, with a singular, towering eyebrow. “The night was bright.”

“Impossible to believe,” I huff. “I know. But it’s true… and it was magical.”

“That’ something we don’t get anymore.”

“What?”

“Magic.”

“Oh yeah… I guess.”

“Can you take me there one day?”

“Huh?”

“To the Dunes. To see the stars. Can you take me there.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because the Dunes are dangerous. There’s a lot of warfare and no water.”

“I thought you didn’t like water.”

“I like to drink it, not swim in it.”

A long pause.

She clears her throat, prompting me to glance at her. “Why don’t you like me?” she asks.

“What?” I respond, instinctively. It’s at this point that I realize I’ve responded like that far too many times for a single conversation. “That’s a very… broad question.”

“And I mean all broad possible interpretations. You don’t like me as a friend, as a person, or anything else, and I don’t know why.”

“Who told you that?”

“Tallin…I’m not at all an A student, but I don’t need any of that bull crap to read somebody as blatant as you.”

“Um…”

“You avoid me, you shut me down when I try to converse and you’re pretty much as asshole around me.”

“I’m an asshole around everybody.”

“Yet somehow I’m special.”

I look at the gnarled clouds above me. They offer zero comfort. I glance at her, but her raccoon eyes sear straight through me. Hey… truth? What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with the truth every now and then. You haven’t done anything wrong… for once in your life. Just tell her, it might be ok. “Ok fine… you caught me.”

“Ha, at last.”

“When I was younger… I had a friend. A really close friend, who was more than a sister to me. I took care of her and whatever… like a lot. We were very close and all…”

“And?”

“And she died.”

Arika was stumped for a flicker. “I’m sorry but… what’s that got to do with me?”

“Her name was Yarika, and every time I see you, her… she pops into my head. That makes me sad.”

“Oh.”

I’m not sure what she expected me to say, or what she hoped to get out of the conversation, but it feels freeing to tell her.

Then, like a flash flood, she wraps her soft arms around me. Her head lays on my shoulder and her breath strokes my neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t help you,” I murmur, but I let her hug me. Anybody who can hug me through the stench and bones and insults… is something else. Something better than I am.

“You’re like a caged wolf,” she begins, shifting closer to me. If I wasn’t soaked and freezing in the icy night air, this would be cozy. “Haggard and stoic and fanged.”

“Wolves don’t have fangs,” I correct her.

“Whatever, but the wolf that you are… is all of those things and is… trying to protect itself. It’s been caged after all, and it was caged by the people outside the cage, right? So the people outside the cage must be bad and therefor it must be hostile towards them. It’s self-defense. The thing is that… yeah, you were caged, and sure some of the people are bad… most of them are bad actually, but you need to give credit to those who flow against the grain. Who remain good while shrouded in conformist darkness.”

“Arika.”

“Yeah?”

“How high are you?”

“Very.”

I exhale. “Makes sense.”

“Hold up,” she jolts upright. “Where’d they go?”

“What?”

“Terrel and Yannis?” she cries, standing up and shooting to the pool edge. “Where’d they go?”

I scan the bleak poolside, but the night confines my vision.

“Oh shit…shit shit shit,” Arika panics.

“Calm down,” I say. “Relax, they can’t have gone far. They probably got cold and went back to the dorms.”

“They would have told us.”

“They were high.”

“Exactly! Think of all the shit they could get themselves into! Terrel acts like he’s totally fine and has got everything under control, but if he messes up again he could get suspended or even freaking expelled!”

“Calm down,” I order. “Look, be pragmatic. They probably… thought we were going to hit it off, or something, so they left to give us some space, all right? I’ll check the boys dorm, you get back before anybody sees you.”

Arika evidently doesn’t like this. “Text me if you find them?”

“I don’t have a phone, but don’t worry. I’ll find them. C’mon, let’s get back or we’re going to freeze.”

As we walk, a soft patter of snow dances down from the heavy clouds. I’m not exactly sure how to comfort a hysterical teenager, so I awkwardly sling my lanky arm across her shoulders. It’s not much, but it’s all I can do right now. Thankfully, all the guards are huddled around each other, too busy keeping warm to care about watching out for delinquents trying to find fun in this prison. I’m going to be so damn sick tomorrow.

When we part, she hugs me. Fiercely, like as if she actually means it. I hug her back, unintentionally. Maybe we might’ve actually become friends if I was here longer. Maybe we still might be if I don’t commit suicide later on like I’d planned to. Or maybe if I survive it.

I steal back into the dorms and pull my soaked shirt off, quickly toweling off and pulling on a t-shirt and a hoodie. Ok, where am I supposed to look for these idiots now?

I peek into Terrel’s room, but its empty. Davrin’s room is right next to it with the light’s on. He’s arguing heavily with somebody on the phone.

“No! No I swear to you I didn’t mean it. Mum… c’mon don’t blame her. Serious! You can confiscate whatever you want! I swear mum it wasn’t like that.”

Not my problem. Not my problem at all.

I head back up two flights of stairs to Yannis’s room. The lights are on.

I burst inside, flinging the door open and… oh shit.

Terrel screams, and frantically pulls up his pants. Yannis coughs, gags and recoils away from Terrel.

I step out and let the door close itself. That was… a regrettable decision. And that image isn’t going to leave my mind anytime soon.

“Tallin I swear it isn’t what it looks like,” Terrel calls through the door.

“Relax mate,” I respond, leaning over the handrail. “I haven’t got a problem. You worried Arika, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry Tallin, I really am.”

“Don’t mention it,” I sigh, padding back to my room.

I don’t even bother trying to sleep tonight.

~

I’m staring at a math paper, yet it’s covered in letters from the Greek alphabet. What the hell? Shiiiiit. I don’t know the answer to a single one of these questions! Why would I, I haven’t studied math in like four years. Shit shit shit. But that Principal Lohib bastard said he’d take action if I failed another test. Damnnnnnniiiiit. I’m screwed. What does that even mean? Take action, what is that supposed to be? Shit I’m going to get expelled. I need to stay in school for at least another week. Damnit why don’t I have a phone, I should call Tauren. Shit. Wait, Yannis seems to know what he’s doing. Maybe if I pretend I’m coughing then I can lean over far enough to see what he’s…

~

I flop back onto my bed. Fantastic. I’ve been expelled. Principal Lohib seemed to take great pleasure in informing me of that. That bastard. Freaking twat. Screw it, I don’t think I would’ve been able to stand another week in this hell hole anyway. Yeah this is definitely a good thing.

“Damnit man, how’d you manage that?” Yannis asks, sitting awkwardly on the edge of my bed. “That’s a record bro.”

“Yeah. Make sure you tell my story right?” I say, sitting up. I can help but let out a soft chuckle upon noticing that his feet barely touch the ground.

He nods. “Definitely bro. Damn, the dude who got expelled in two weeks. What a legend.”

I begin to haphazardly shove my stuff into the duffle-bag. “You should go for dinner.”

“You’re not eating?” Yannis asks.

I shake my head. “Nah.” As he’s leaving, I add, “Have you got any joints on you? Might need to relax a bit.”

“Oh yeah, tons.” He reaches into his pocket and hands me one with a lighter.

I fumble through my drawer, pulling out crumpled wads of cash. “Thanks. How much do I owe you?”

“None,” he responds. “Don’t worry about it. On the house.”

“Thanks mate.”

“Have you told Terrel and Arika yet?”

“No.”

He leaves. I’m alone with my volatile emotions. I let apathy take the reins.

I watch the sun set from the roof top. It’s dull and fast. There’s no spectacular array of colors, ranging from all sides of the color wheel. It’s just a dull haze of greyish yellow, unable to fully pierce through the smog. No poetic metaphors pop into my head this time.

I embrace the starless night and light the joint. I’m coughing after the first few puffs. Damn. My lungs have gone soft.

I let the hazy warmth flood through my veins. I a couple more puffs.

The high cloaks me like a heavy blanket. I feel my tension ache trickling away. I feel it drip off my shoulder and roll into the gutter.

I wonder how actual weed would act. Was it better or worse than this synthetic stuff? Is there any actual stuff left? I remember Salif told me that he’d paid top dollar for some at a party once. He said it was overrated and that the synthetic stuff had increased the chemical content or whatever. He’s dead now, so it doesn’t matter. His death wasn’t my fault… right? No. Leave the self-loathing, nasty, barbed Kallix in the room for now. Let my enjoy my last night in hell.

A grunt jolts me from my high.

I see the hefty for of Terrel, hauling himself onto the roof. He clunkily makes his way up and seats himself next to me. “So I hear you got expelled,” he says, his eyes locked onto the city lights beneath the burnt sky.

I nod, letting out a plume of smoke. “Yeah, it seems so.” I offer him the joint. He takes a puff and gives it back.

“It’s alright. I’m going to miss you mate but… I don’t think you were made for school in the first place.”

“That’s an odd thing to say.”

“No… not for you,” he responds.

“What?” There I say it again. My new favorite word, because I’m always so damn confused.

“Yeah. I mean, considering who you are… you weren’t made for school.”

“Excuse me.”

“You thought we didn’t know?”

I’m taken aback.

He shrugs. “Arika figured it out first. She recognized you from a news headline a week ago. You were kind of her idol for a while.”

I blink. “You knew that I was…”

“Kallix Rane? Yeah. You weren’t exactly discrete, you know. No regular sixteen year old can do all the shit you do.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

He shrugs. “It never came up, I guess. Plus, who knows how you would’ve reacted? Plus, we all sort of… wanted to be your friend. You’re something of a celebrity, you know that?”

“The hell?”

“You didn’t know? Wow, you really are off the grid.”

“So like… everybody knows about me?”

“Well, not everybody, but quite a few. I think that’s why Davrin was so jealous of you.”

I take a longer than should be healthy draw from the joint, finishing it. I flick it away and let smoke billow like I’m a chimney.

“I thought it was pretty cool,” Terrel continues.

I’m a celebrity. That’s disgusting. “Why?” I ask.

“Well, nobody has the guts to do what you have. Everybody wants to go against the grain, to rebel, to tell the system to screw itself, but everybody’s too afraid. Everybody’s afraid of losing the comfort and security… the warm blankets and timely meals. Everybody except you it seems.”

I’m not sure how to respond to that. “But I’m a dick.”

“Yeah, but you’re real. I prefer the truth over pretty looking bullshit. Plus, I’ve always wanted to do this.”

He takes me by surprise, leaning over, holding my jaw and kissing me.

The kiss lasts a few seconds. I don’t kiss back.

“Yeah,” he mutters, pulling away, “that’s what I was expecting.”

“I’m sorry,” I blurt instantly. “I’m straight… and all.”

“It’s alright. I understand.”

I take a deep breath, steadying myself. “I had a friend… you would’ve loved him.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that? Because he was gay?”

“Well, yeah, but he was also a hooligan, just like you. He was fun and crazy and wild… but also gentle and kind. He also told the system to screw itself, and stuck out to make a life for himself.”

“What was his name?”

“Deqar.”

“That’s a badass name.”

“He was nothing short of a badass.”

“Was? Don’t tell me he’s…”

“I’ve no idea if he’s dead or not. Haven’t seen him in a while.”

“Why?”

“That’s… a very long story.”