Iranheim 182

I spent many days within the realm of desire sitting by myself after that. When I saw Caerwyn approaching, I would avoid him.

I was remembering everything. I remembered my happy life with my family, the years of isolation as I was locked in a cage, but I could not remember past that.

As I sat alone, I stared forward with empty tears and knew that once again desire was losing to duty. I couldn’t spend my life in an empty fantasy. I had to go back, but I didn’t want to face life anymore. I no longer had the tools.

I held the lily from Mary and the sword from Umari in hand and felt a coldness eating at my heart.

And in that moment, I let myself remember everything. The thud the fall, and that sweet, adorable red-headed boy who I loved most in the world.

I leaned my head upon the hilt of Umari’s sword and cried, “someone help me… Someone show me what to do…”

I felt so alone. There was no one to help.

A strong hand grabbed my shoulder.

I looked behind me.

Mother looked me in the eyes with a gentle smile. “There you are, My Darling. Why are you shutting yourself away in this land of the dead?”

“Mother!” I cried and I threw my arms around her.

She stroked the back of my head and kissed my forehead lovingly. “There, there, My Darling… What ails you? Why should you hide yourself away from the people who need and care about you?”

“Terry is dead, Mother! I loved him so much! He was the only one left who understood me entirely!” I confided in her. “I have no strength to do anything! It is just as the lustful god said!”

“My Darling, you are wrong. Who brought humans and moths together in as little time as a year? It was not Paris, nor Caerwyn, nor Paul, nor Meridi. It was you. You have love in your heart just the same as you always have. It is true you have no powers to hurt or destroy, but you have powers to unite and inspire.” Mother encouraged me.

I stepped away from her for a moment and asked her, “what am I to do Mother? Even if what you say is true? I can’t defeat the lustful god with love!”

Mother shook her head. “But you can, My Darling. That red-headed boy knew it the same way I did. He made the ultimate sacrifice so you would have a chance at defeating the lustful god. He knew that as long as he lived—as long as he had the power to heal and protect the lustful god—there was no way he could ever be defeated and the world would come under his rule easily. He gave you what you needed to be able to destroy him.”

I wiped a tear forming in my eye again and asked Mother, “what shall I do, then? How can I defeat him with love?”

Mother sat down and opened her arms—motioning me to sit on her lap like she used to do when I was younger and she wanted to tell me a story.

I did so and she began telling me a story. “Let me tell you, my darling, the story of a man, a woman, and their child, and you will understand then, how to help the lustful god.”

I asked curiously like I would when I was a child, “help him…?”

“Yes. Help him; that must be your ultimate goal.” Mother told me with a deep breath before beginning the story. “There was a beautiful woman named Rala, the most beautiful sprite in all the land. She was renowned for her kindness and bestowed many gifts upon the mortals she lived amongst and became known as the queen of the other sprites she lived with.”

“Sprite? I thought she was a goddess?” I interrupted again.

Mother shook her head. “No, My Darling… They were all originally merely sprites. It was we moths who made them into gods and goddesses. One of the goddesses, Halotyne, a kind and level-headed woman, was a friend of mine and spoke to me in my dreams often. She told me the truth of the moth gods and goddesses long ago.”

I let that sink in. I asked her, “why did you tell me they were gods and goddesses if you knew they weren’t?”

“Because it is apart of our culture; because you needed to have faith in something as all mortals do. I could not tell moths, much less my own daughter, that what they had been told and taught for hundreds and hundreds of years was false and expect them to believe me.” Mother explained.

I was silent as I thought of that, and then Mother continued. “There was another sprite Rala met; a handsome man by the name of Rokk. He was not like the other sprites; he seemed to be an odd mutation. He had no powers over earth or light like the other sprites did, he seemed a step down from them. He was very similar to what humans are these days. She quickly fell in love with the man and made him her husband, and they had a child together named Marara, who would later become the lustful god.”

“Marara is his name?” I asked.

Mother nodded. “Yes. That is his name. Rala loved the man and her son, and for a time, they were a happy family. But Rala was becoming… Entrenched in mortal affairs. She went from bestowing grand gifts upon them to ruling over them. She thrived on their love and affections and wanted nothing more than to be worshipped by them. She gave her attention to them over her own son and husband. All the while her child was having difficulties growing up. Marara was doing well at first, even if his mother was ignoring him in favor of humans, because of his father. Rokk gave the boy all the love and attention he needed for the young dove to grow happily, but Rokk himself was beginning to become unhappy.”

Mother took a deep breath before continuing.

I felt very comfortable in her arms as I closed my eyes like I did when I was a child and listened intently.

“His wife was obsessed with the love of strangers and ignored her own family in favor of their love. Rokk lived in her shadow and raised their child alone. But he began to feel rejected and alone, and his love was withering up inside him until he had very little left to give to their growing child. Love-starved, the man met a moth woman who gave him what he needed to keep taking care of Marara; affection. Rala, of course, found out about it and killed the mothwoman. They had violent and angry arguments in front of Marara, who grew bitter and estranged from both parents as both parents became more and more jaded.” Mother went on with some difficulty.

Mother would always pause like that when she came to a part in a story that she found difficult to tell.

“The father kept sleeping with dozens of women who the mother would promptly kill, and Marara was subject to seeing both these affairs and the deaths of several of these women. Finally, Rala was so enraged, and she had lost her way so much, that she killed her husband in front of their child, and the child became withdrawn and quiet and began showing behavior that was odd. He began… Killing small animals—pecking at their eyes--and Rala, being so drunk on love by mortals, ignored her child and his troublesome behavior.” Mother was trembling with sadness as she took a ragged breath. “I will never understand her. I can’t understand a mother ignoring her child who so clearly needed her.”

“That’s why you’re the best Mother!” I said as if I were still a child, and Mother kissed my forhead with an appreciative grin.

Mother continued.

“It wasn’t long before Marara, hateful toward his mother and other women, began amassing a cult of mothmen who shared his ideals and worshipped him for giving them presents and triggering the lust in their hearts. His cult grew powerful, and together with them, he enslaved the mortal women and… And they were not treated well under his rule. Rala saw this happening and gathered the other gods with the intention of killing her own son. She succeeded, but not without the death toll for mortals being high. Many were on Rala’s side, and many were on Marara’s side. Do you understand, My Darling?”

I was very quiet as I let that story sink in.

I understood. And I hated that I understood. “You want me to show him the love he deserved that his mother never gave him?”

There was a moment of silence and love between us, and I just let myself feel loved and warm in her embrace before I noticed something that made my heart drop. Mother's arms that held me were flickering from physical to transparent.

Mother!” I cried with a sniffle. “Don’t leave me! How could you leave me?”

I leapt up from her lap and she looked at me with the proudest face a mother had ever given her daughter. She said to me, “I have told you everything you need to know now, and so I am going to heaven. You don’t need me anymore.”

I cried loudly and continuously like a lost child would. “I can’t do it without you, Mother! I am… I am worthless…”

With her body flickering, Mother stood up and approached me with her head held high and lifted my chin up so I met her eyes. “Listen to your mother; no matter what anyone has done to you, you are still the strong, brave, and lovely girl I gave birth to. You are not a victim, despite so many people trying to make you into one. You still have so much love in your heart, despite evil and cruel people trying to squeeze it out of you. You can do this. You know it better than I, because you have surpassed me.”

“Mother!” I cried and tried to throw my arms around her, but she disappeared in a shower of light before I could embrace her.

I fell to my knees where she stood and wept like a lost child.

But her voice echoed in my mind over and over again as I sobbed.

You are not a victim.

You are not a victim.

You are not a victim.

And with strength in my hand I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath. I stood up and held my head high with my shoulders back.

I found strength. It was not mother’s or father’s, but rather, my own. I had reached down deep inside myself and found a reservoir of it. It came from the desire of wanting to protect the people I loved most in the world.

It came from a desire of wanting to fulfill Terry’s last wish.

How good it felt to remember him again. I sniffled with a smile as I allowed myself to think of the beautiful and good times I had with him rather than focusing on his last moments. I giggled with happy tears in my eyes as I remembered him sticking that flower behind his ear because he didn’t want to be upstaged by Paul. I remembered his strong and comforting hands on mine as he guided me on how to defend myself with a sword, and I remembered how he used those same hands to take mine from the knife I would have used to commit suicide with long ago.

Nobody could take those memories away from me. Caerwyn may have saved my physical life when he rescued me from that cage, but Terry had saved me emotionally.

__

I searched for Caerwyn and found him sitting alone and looking just as heartbroken, but resolved, as I did. I put a hand on his shoulder as I noticed tears springing to his eyes.

“I can’t believe I ever let myself forget my sister. I should be ashamed,” he said with a wobbly smile and a shaky voice.

I let him cry for a moment as he closed his green eyes and I knew he was thinking of comforting memories with his sister.

After a moment, he took a deep breath. He looked at me with a smile and I helped him up. The realm of desire gave our clothes back, and we donned them and became intelligent creatures once again as the realm of desire began melting away. I noticed the ruby ring Caerwyn had tossed glinting in the long grass and I quickly grabbed it and then returned to Caerwyn’s side.

“Do you know what I miss most about him?” Caerwyn asked me with an unsteady voice.

I shook my head.

“Just… How much brighter and happier he made life. I thought I would never have any close friends or family when Hannah died, but Terry proved me wrong.” Caerwyn said as the realm of desire melted away.

I looked around in astonishment at where we ended up with a giant grin blooming on my face.

We were back in Nui, and there were thousands of people cheering for us.

Among them were Paris, Meridi, and Paul. I squealed with happy tears and went to greet them in the midst of the crowd.

I kissed both of Paris’ cheeks and asked him, “you rallied the knights? You rallied all of these people?”

Paris shook his head and kissed me back lovingly. “No, Mimi, you did. They’re here for you.”

I looked around at the cheering crowd with happy tears and sniffled. My smile turned to a frown when I saw how unhappy Caerwyn was while I was in Paris’ arms.

He looked at his feet sadly and melted backward into the crowd.