Iranheim 182

I sat alone in the realm of desire with an aching sadness settling in my stomach. I was sitting on a stone bench that the realm had materialized for me and staring at the ruby ring on my finger.

There was a man I had forgotten about—a man with black hair who was very different from Caerwyn. This man needed me desperately. Although Caerwyn would be very unhappy without my love and company, I knew he could manage without it, if only just. This other man, however… This other man needed me to survive.

This man I could not remember… You needed to peel off layer after layer to see who he really was. On the first layer, he seemed like a cold and cruel man, but deep down, he was sweet… He was afraid of breaking me—afraid of losing me all the time—and touched me like he would a glass doll. He was very important to me, and it hurt me that I couldn’t remember who he was.

More than that, it hurt me that I was considering leaving both this paradise and Caerwyn to be with this sad man I could not remember.

I didn’t know what lay outside the paradise, I just knew it was pain that I could no longer handle.

I hugged my stomach for comfort because Caerwyn had been avoiding me of late. He was angry that I had pointed out the cracks in this perfect fantasy and he no longer wished to hug me until I came to my senses and wished to stay with him.

I kissed the ruby ring. “What was your name…? Where are you right now…?”

And suddenly Caerwyn showed up looking upon me with contempt as I kissed the ring. “Have you come to your senses yet? If so, there is plenty of room for you in my arms.”

I looked down at my feet with a shuddering breath. “Can’t you feel it? This place is empty… It is happy, but vacant.”

“No paradise where we are together is empty and vacant.” Caerwyn retorted furiously and turned away from me.

I sniffled and leapt from the bench I was sitting upon—wanting anything other than to be left alone. I begged him as I embraced him, “you were right. Please, pay my lunacy no heed. I want to stay here with you forever. If there is room in your arms, use them to protect me from errant thoughts.”

And he did so. He took the ruby ring from my finger and tossed it into the long grass beside us. I couldn’t thank him enough for that. I wanted to keep this empty paradise, no matter the cost.

__

While I was hiding behind a tree in a grove one day and excited for Caerwyn to catch me, I heard laughter. The laughter of children.

I looked about frantically. Who was intruding on my paradise?

Their giggles seemed to be coming from all around and echoing in my ears. I saw a little human boy hiding behind a nearby tree, and then I saw a little girl who must have been his sister grinning and marching my way.

“Clarence where are you?” She called. “You can’t have gone far!”

The boy, Clarence, giggled to himself as his sister—a cute, blond little girl with a lily behind her ear--walked right by where her brother was hiding.

The little girl saw me and skipped toward me cheerfully. “Hey lady, have you seen my brother, Clarence? My name’s Mary and I have to find him before Daddy calls us in for dinner!”

I looked over at Clarence, who had rotated to the other side of the tree, and then I looked at his sister. “Who’s your Daddy?”

Mary beamed. “Only the best knight in the whole world! His name’s Paul! To be honest, I’ve been waiting for him to call me and my brother in for dinner for a long time…”

“Paul?” I replied. It sounded so familiar but I couldn’t remember who was attached to that name. “Maybe I can help you find him?”

The little girl scratched her chin. “Well, that would be nice. To be honest, me and Clarence are so far from home that I think we got lost…”

I took the little girl’s hand and I asked her, “do you know where your house is? Any information will help.”

Mary shook her head. “Nope!”

Mary cupped her hands around her mouth and called out, “Clarence, where are you! Forget the hide and seek, this lady’s gonna take us home!”

He didn’t emerge, and so I pointed Mary to where he was hiding and she wasted no time in frightening him by tapping his shoulder and saying, boo!

The boy nearly jumped out of his skin and he elbowed his sister testily. “You don’t have to scare me!”

I grinned for a moment. How I adored children! And these two in particular were so delightful!

I looked down at my empty womb and felt a familiar sadness again. I stared listlessly forward as the two children ran to my side.

“What’s the matter, lady?” Clarence asked. “Whatever it is, I’m sure Daddy can help you with it! Daddy can help anyone with anything!”

I wiped away a tear and replied with my best smile as I took their hands, “can he? Tell me about him.”

“Well, he’s real quiet!” Mary began. “Sometimes he has a hard time expressing his feelings!”

“But, he doesn’t need to! You can feel how much he loves you!” Clarence continued elatedly.

I listened intently as I walked out of the grove of trees and back into the open air. In a moment, I noticed something odd; Clarence’s and Mary’s hands were flickering from physical to transparent.

“What’s happening?” I panicked.

“Sometimes, he blames himself too much for things, though…” Mary went on sadly. “Mommy left and he never stopped blaming himself. But he’s still the strongest and best Daddy in the world!”

Clarence added wistfully, “I can’t wait to see him again…”

And suddenly, the two children stopped in their tracks and tears sprang to their eyes. Mary said, “I have so much to tell him… But we both died before we could. I just know he’s out there… Blaming himself for our deaths.”

Clarence sniffled and wiped his eyes. “I miss Daddy. He’s not here to read me stories anymore or hug me when I cry…”

Their bodies were flickering as they both let go of my hands and stood apart from me. Mary took a deep breath and said to me, “lady, I need you to tell my Daddy something because I don’t think I’ll be able to! Tell him me and Clarence love him and that we’ll always be watching over him! And tell him that our deaths and Mommy leaving him weren’t his fault! And please, give him this lily!”

Mary took the lily from behind her ear and gave it to me. She and her brother gazed hopefully at me before they flickered a few more times and disappeared in a shower of golden light.

I fell to my knees in sadness and shock as I gazed upon the lily and I said aloud, “I promise I will… But I can’t remember who Paul is! I can’t remember anything but pleasure and dazed happiness!”

Caerwyn caught up to me, then, and hefted me to my feet. He asked me when he saw the tears in my eyes, “why should you be crying? There is nothing but joy here.”

I couldn’t tell him of Clarence and Mary. I knew it would only spoil our time together.