Mimi

I do not know why I am writing this. I have never kept a diary, nor do I plan to. But there is a girl I met—a girl I can’t get out of my head—named Mimi. I feel like, in order to keep to my vows, I must write down all of my feelings about her on this piece of parchment and then I can stop thinking about her the way I have been.

I have ever feared women. It is a trying thing to find women attractive and at the same time fear them to no end. That is why, when my sister died, I decided it was an easy thing to foreswear them and become a templar.

Women in Artesia--where I hail from--have all the power. They are not normal women by any means. They are some kind of odd mutation of women that dwarf the men and are much stronger than them. Men are disposable to them, and, if their male children are not chosen to be mates, they are instead raised as girls and made to be as feminine as possible. They clothe you in dresses, teach you feminine mannerisms, and make you as docile as possible.

And they hurt you if you act like a man in anyway. If you walk wrong, if you gesture wrong, if you display manly behavior… They slap both your cheeks.

I hated them.

They made me so confused. I wanted to be myself, but was chastised every time I tried. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran away.

I avoided women as much as I could, even when I left Artesia. I had this reaction where my heart beat faster and I sweated profusely when I saw them.

It was no different when a human woman came to our temple in Ironwall and told me of a moth princess who was being kept captive by giants. But, I wanted to become acquainted with my own gender again; I wanted to do something brave and daring--and I did! I went to go rescue that beautiful mothwoman trapped in a cage.

She was covered in dirt, her dress was filthy, and she was underweight, but she was gorgeous. She was an ivory beacon of lovely femininity, and I fell in love with her and worshipped her immediately. I had found someone to protect; a woman where I felt fit to be a man. She was sweet, kind, and submissive, and I wanted her to be my wife. God, she was so adorable. The way she wanted to hug and cling to me was so alien.

She displayed such strength, too. Anyone who had been locked in a cage for eight years would no doubt suffer untold damage, and yet, she was never unkind. She was never violent or aggressive, and even though she told me to leave her there when I rescued her, I saw the fire to cling to life buried deep within her, and I just had to spark it for a moment for her to find the strength to live.

She was attracted to me, too, which was another alien thing. Most women thought me to be too soft, too feminine, and too pretty to love—and, as I wrote earlier, I am too afraid of most women to court them.

But I was never scared of Mimi; she would never harm anyone, and that’s what I loved most about her. She might never be able to defend herself, but she was still able to love after being locked away for eight years, losing her entire family upon rescue, and suffering all the abuse she had after. That was what true strength was.

I wanted to spoil her and give her everything a girl of such undying sweetness deserves, but I made my choice in life. I cannot kiss her, I cannot even touch her, and it drives me mad. I never thought I would ever fall in love with a woman—I never thought one would actually want me being as defective as I am.

I chose wrong. God help me, I love this girl and I chose wrong. I was so close to giving up everything, just so I could kiss her once.