Envenheim 181

My diary, every day, three times a day, I pray in solitude in the chapel built into our castle--as suggested by the physician and ordered by the king.

I am praying to any God who will hear me to give me a reason—some kind of sign or purpose—to keep on living. I stare at the small, six inch statue of a serene human woman looking down upon me from an alcove in the shape of a cross above my head. I clasp my hands together in repentance and kneel on the hard tile of the gorgeous, chapel floor.

Yellow light shines down upon me from the stain glass windows as I say, “please tell me why.. Give me a reason why you have chosen me to live. I will pray to any God that will hear me… Just answer me. Show me why I am here…” I said with tears in my eyes.

My diary, I have begun to prefer the human God, and I hate myself for it. He is forgiving and kind, rather than merciless and cruel. If any God will listen to me, it will be the human God.

My half-sister Gerta hates me as much as I do for praying to the human God. Everytime she dresses me in the morning, she calls me a heathen for betraying our culture and religion.

I crave nothing but any kind of scrap of affection anyone is willing to give me, which is why I seek comfort in the arms of a foreign god. My own sister hates me, the humans hate me, and Terry is the only one left who likes me and consoles me.

After a full week of sleeping in everyday until sundown, I finally got up the strength and will to at least get out of bed each morning. Prayer has brought me back from the land of sleep.

The king has been kind enough to let me spend as much time as I need away from him. For the most part, I spend the hours of the day sitting in the garden and thinking, praying, and, if I have the energy, reading, and speaking with Terry.

“Terry, why did you decide to follow me here?” I asked him while I was reading in the garden.

“We are friends! Of course I followed you here! But… There’s something else too, Mimi.” Terry replied. “I have always been a… Particularly unruly and sinful person. I’ve always had trouble controlling my angry outbursts. Sometimes I get so angry that I can’t see straight! And before I know it, I hurt someone badly… That’s what I did to another page in the king’s court before I was sent away to be a templar.

Terry paused before continuing. "I didn’t fit in with the templars either, though… They were always making fun of me because my mother walks the streets. I just can’t stand it when people mention that woman…! Everyday I had to pray twice as hard as everyone else just to keep myself from harming others. But when I went with Caerwyn to rescue you… Well, something about you just soothes me. I just don’t feel angry at all now that I have a great lady to dedicate myself to.” Terry explained.

“Your mother… Walked the streets?” I didn’t understand.

“She’s a whore,” Terry clarified. “Do moths not have those?”

I blushed, embarrassed that I asked him something so personal. “No, we don’t. It is our custom to make sure that every mothwoman is bonded to a man. It isn’t hard since men are allowed to have so many wives! But, there are some mothmen who end up without wives and homeless… I feel sorry for them. But Terry, I just can’t imagine you as being angry! You’re so sweet to me.”

“Only to you and to Caerwyn. I have no patience for others.” He explained. He laughed a little bitterly. “I’m not a good person…”

“You are! Never say that about yourself! You’re my best friend!” I countered. "Nobody should talk about my best friend that way! Not even himself!"

He chuckled at that and we were both quiet for a time before I asked, “Terry, do you think Paris would free my sister if I asked him to…?”

Terry looked at me apologetically and shook his head. “No, Mimi, I don’t think so. Humans would not be happy if he did such a thing.”

I sighed and looked down. I wanted her to love me like I did her. I wanted her to understand that I did not want any of this.

And I ever returned to the chapel to pray for answers. “Please tell me why… Why should I be the one free moth girl? Why should you smite my family and so many other moths? My sister is far more competent than me… She could do more with freedom than I could. Give me an answer. Do you have a reason for sparing me?”

The necklace Caerwyn had given me glinted in the sunlight as I prayed, and I looked at it affectionately and kissed it. “Please… Even if you don’t listen to my prayers, keep Caerwyn safe. I have never known a man, or anyone, with such strong convictions. Gods, I love him more than any moth should love a human.”

_

And a night came when I had a dream. Caerwyn was kissing me aggressively and unbuttoning my dress. I was not unfamiliar with such passionate dreams about him—but then something else happened. Darkness came and split the earth between us and all went dark. A moment passed, and the ceiling above us cracked and shed golden light upon us. All around us, humans and moths jeered alike with pitchforks in hand—and then everything around us was set ablaze by the mob.

I ignored the crowd. I leapt from my patch of cracked earth to Caerwyn’s, and he caught me and held me close. But it was not his face I saw when I looked up; it was Paris’. I felt sick to my stomach in his arms, but…

The crowd stopped jeering.

However, the world was still aflame.