In the far north at the top of the planet you'll find the area of Sesquahan. It's where most our snow-mobiles are made, but you'll still find some sledders that still use Shasis. That's where I learned to fix snow-mobiles when my father worked there. Assassins used to love making faulty ones for the nobles, leaving you stranded to die in the cold.

~ Calissa Nylanis

I decided to leave the Snowfell Palace today. I take a break periodically with some of my people. We travel to a place I know – the hot springs near the shale caves. I promise my people free use and I even keep a small detachment of soldiers there so they can enjoy their time in peace. They also protect the small mammals that feed on the wall growth. They're highly edible and tasty.

It's easy to keep a promise when you have something to gain. I prefer to keep my image that way, but I usually fulfill what I promise. Let's not have a misunderstanding. I keep my promises because I want to. I was just stating a fact. The gain is just the extra. I'll tell you later about the man's heart I broke. I'm feeling comfortable now. It's been several months and I'm not just growing closer to my three friends. I'm growing with them. It's a wonderful feeling.

There is another poem Seran has shared with me. It reminds me of a heart I broke. It was my own heart and the consequences affected another man. People speak about giving up on love. It's not so easy when you finally try to quit. Succeeding hasn't been my experience.

Warmth fills my hands. I take a sip of a hot cider. I pour in some spices from the home world and make it just right. They send what they can. I mix it with local spices we've found. I enjoy the slight burn in my throat. It lets me breathe a cloud against the cold day.

The familiar crunch of my boots fills my ears. I take a walk once in a while out to the frozen lake. Beyond it is a small ridge with isolated hot springs in between in caves. Some contain toxic microbes, but the ones that aren't are marked as safe. I have to wait on my new friends. I run back to them.

Audris smiles at me. I still help him with his work when I can. We spend more and more time laughing under the snow-mobiles than working. The other day, I felt we nearly kissed each other, but I turned away. There's... The stress is a lot and we both want relief. It was bound to happen.

Audris enjoys my company and I have someone to listen to. Someone I didn't have to be on guard around. He takes my mind of my worries and he's good at solving problems I have trouble with. He has a sharp mind in his own special way. Lenoa always finishes early and heads to the shops with Kaloas. She tries to keep her business hidden from me. Kaloas always looks at me as if to say, he doesn't want to be here. I once followed Lenoa around the kick bars and communicator booths to see what she was up to. When she saw me, she told me one Shasi is enough. No more funnies following her around. I let her be. Audris's voice pulls me back to reality.

“I know why you do It,” states Audris without warning.

“Why I do what?” I question. This wasn't normal of him.

“I know why you take us to the hot springs without any guards.” Audris pauses. “I used to be a well-paid idiot. I know how things work.”

I felt really nervous, Why was he doing this to me, now? Was he observing me more than I previously believed? Did Lenoa know something?

“I think you want to die. I heard you talking to Seran about your death. You're not waiting for the Mastals to kill you. You're asking for it,” shoots out Audris. He looks over at Lenoa and then back at me. I try to look away, but he doesn't let me. I didn't know what to say. I did have a reason for why I did what I did. Surely Audris didn't know what he was talking about. I smile.

“Don't smile. Just be honest with us,” Audris says.

I try not to blush. The wind blows against my hood and I listen to the fabric, wishing to hide in the noises. I don't say anything. Then, I lock eyes with Audris.

“I just like the fresh air. I want to enjoy it alone.”

Lenoa looks at me.

Audris shakes his head.

I felt embarrassed and partially exposed. I would let him believe what he wanted. As I look down at my footprints in the snow I become a little depressed. I have been depressed for a long time. It has to do with my first rule. I and I alone chooses who leaves the Snowfell Palace,

There's a room no one is allowed in.

Every so often, others want to leave the Snowfell Palace and leave the very lowest levels where my secrets are. They work on my fleet itself. Most of them are my skilled workers who I chose to send there. They want to breathe fresh air. They want to taste the freedom of the planet above. They want to return to their birth place and try again somewhere else. Some of them just want to see their families and friends on the higher levels where they are no longer allowed. Nothing I give them can satisfy their desire for escape. They want to leave. I can't allow that. They know too much. I try to change their mind, but many refuse. The stress is too much. Most of the time they kill themselves, but many times I have to send them to the firing squads. I kill them and their Shasis. I know I made them take the pledge, but people are willing to say anything when they are desperate for survival.

I put all their names in the room. It's a collection I hope to preserve. I can still see their faces. I still hear their cries against me, as I desperately try to tell them it isn't worth it. I need them. I need to keep my plan a secret and I need their trust. I tell them that I don't trust them not to tell. I know my plan will work. It's the same argument over and over. The ones who believe in me give me a reason to hope. They forge on and keep going. Others call me Mastal, before they die. They call me Mastal and I have no response. Their words cut deeper and deeper each time. I can't take much more. It was never my intention to force compliance. It grew that way.

I feel like such a hypocrite because I am one.

My wet eyes can never dry when I'm alone. I'm sure this is what Audris has noticed. I don't allow many to get close to me. Eventually, when they become skilled enough, I send them to the lowest levels where they are needed. I send them to their isolation. From time to time I wish it was me who was at the firing squad. There are days I yearn to join my people in death. Depression is not a good word for what I feel. I feel despair.

I talk to Seran a lot. I check my eyes in the mirror every day and watch the life melt away like snow. Part of me hates going up to the surface to unwind. That's all many of them wanted – a simple pleasure to live. My privilege is undeserved. I want to die, but when I'm with Audris and Lenoa I feel ok. I get a glimpse of a life without the condemnation. I know what's going to happen. Seran showed me another verse and I think I have figured it out. She won't tell me bluntly. Things are going to change again.

I just want to enjoy the time I'm given. Privileges or not, they are my hand to play and I was going to play them well. No one was going to shame me out of it today, however long I had left. Maybe, there is a reason for it that I don't understand. I'm simply enjoying my paycheck early and will pay it back to my people later. Maybe, it will all be worth it in the end? There are days I hope the fairy tales aren't real. I don't want anyone to save me. I just want Elissa Moon to move on without me in peace like it used to be. There are other days when I feel I am the soul of Elissa Moon itself. Myself, along with Audris, Lenoa, and Kaloas. I care for them. I just want them to understand one day.

My feet crunch in the snow. I feel the wind. I feel the specks of snow caught in my hair melting on my face. They form tears for me, so I don't have to.

My plan will work. I've trained myself for it. No one will break me. Seran also says I'll succeed. It's something she just knows. She could smell it in the air. She knew my specific scent when I found her in the snow.

I look back at my two friends and their Shasi. It will soon be over.

Sometimes you can't tell anyone what your next step will be. You want them to believe. You want them to know the real you, but you are only allowed to show so much. That's what being a noble means. They can never walk next to you and hold your hand without suspicion. You hope they'll figure out the trail you're walking, but you can only show them the footprints you leave behind. That's what it's like being me.

I take a final look at Audris before I run ahead of them again. He tries to smile, but I didn't want to anymore. I had other things to worry about.

I remain quiet the rest of the way. Today is a heavy snow day and that meant taking pictures would be difficult with the cloud cover. It also helps cover our footprints in case the sniffers come looking. We don't like the Mastals taking pictures on us from above at the stations. I try not to go out too often, but I needed the fresh air today. Kaloas brought Lenoa along with him. Audris too. It would be nice to just sit and enjoy each other's company. It wasn't turning out as bad I thought.

I think about our time at the Snowfell Palace.

I got Audris his revolver back. It meant a lot to him. Lenoa brought it up, but I'm beginning to suspect the pistol she wanted for herself didn't have the sentimental value she claimed. Lenoa doesn't take good care of it, but she did know all about its inner workings so I believe her. She claimed it was a gift from her best friend and it took me forever to find the vendor she said she traded it to. It was something to barter in her mind.

I brush some snow from my coat. I felt warm, even with my tight clothes beneath my coat. Seran was getting her new leg today. She was being operated on and I was happy for her. I feel guilty for using tax money, but I am working to pay it back. Audris and Lenoa thought I should go ahead and do it. They came up with all these encouraging reasons. I am paying it back though. I make my own cider in my free time. The shops on the levels above have constant demand for hot drinks and soups.

A short time later, I lead everyone to a cave marked with a familiar post. A few other citizens are there already and next to them are two of my soldiers who are trying to keep warm. I had about eight here. They want to enjoy the hot springs around them too. I let them after their work is finished.

I strip down to my undergarments and slip into the hot spring. The water feels warm and slightly grainy. I let out a sigh of relief.

Audris and Lenoa join me. Kaloas was busy staring out the opening of the tunnel. Not even the draft of wind disturbed him. Only his fur moved, as his thoughts kept him still. The three of us start talking. Audris didn't talk a whole lot at the hot springs. Lenoa just kept eyeing those across the room. She never quite felt at home at the Snowfell Palace. For her it was comfortable, but not what she grew up knowing. There was a low echo from the many conversations around us.

“Have you ever seen a Shasi kill?” I start. I was putting Audris on edge for what he did earlier. It upset me a little more than I'd like to admit.

Audris looks over. His wife was killed by one. I try again.

“Lenoa told me all about your wife.”

“Lenoa didn't say anything,” interrupts Lenoa. “You sure don't care about his feelings,”

“Neither do you,” I shoot back. I make eye contact with Lenoa. I know something that I promised I wouldn't tell anyone. It's related, but I haven't given anything away. The truth is far more vicious that you would ever want to know. I won't tell you what she told me. If I told you, it would crush you. It would crush Audris and it breaks my heart. I'll let you have your fairy tale. The water massages my hands. I was mad at myself. I shouldn't have brought up this conversation. I had made a mistake. All the stress was simmering and I regain control of myself.

“You'll find love again, Audris,” I manage to say.

“No he won't,” adds Lenoa. She smiles at me proud of herself to get a reaction from him.

Audris looks over at Lenoa and then at me.

“Don't project your failures onto me, Lenoa. Like I said, I'm just enjoying the cider.”

The truth is everyone needed love. The problem is everyone wants a fairy tale. From my experiences, the best love was always hidden in those around me. Those who were willing to weather the storm without leaving me all alone. I was guilty of doing the opposite.

Audris starts speaking again. He looks over at us both.

“Where is this love you think I will find again? It will never be the same.” Audris pauses and thinks about his wife. “You can't beat an original.”

I become a little jealous.

“What?” Audris shrugs at me.

“I'm an original,” juts in Lenoa

“No you're not,” shoots back Audris.

“If I lost you like your wife did, Audris, I'd be celebrating. That's why they call it heaven. You too Kaloas – celebrating. Don't. Look over here. Stop!.,.. I don't care then. Anyways, my life is finally really good. I'm sitting in a hot spring with the crop expert Calissa and my close friend, Audris.” Lenoa smiles. She grabs Audris's arm and shakes it just to piss him off.

“I'm not sure if you are flirting or just bad at it,” Audris replies. He tries to ignore her.

I didn't know what to think. I didn't realize Lenoa really liked her job enough to care for my expertise. It's just food and we always need more farms. At least she was safe there. As far as Audris was concerned, I knew what it meant to lose someone you truly loved. You can't beat an original.

“What about you Calissa? Tell us your story. You said you would,” insists Lenoa.

I decide whether or not to share my story. I smile and sink lower into the heat. I say nothing.

When I had just come of age, I caught the attention of a Mastal. He quickly fell in love with me. I was reluctant at first, but he had the soul of my planet. Like the cabin towns of Tayloris. Cold from the outside looking in, but warm and intimate once inside together. Once, I took him to a hot spring much like this one. We made promises to each other. We had sex. There was so much adventure together and suddenly the invasion and wars didn't matter. It felt like two people who only saw the happiness in each other. Good and evil could put their fight on hold. Love filled my days and he always encouraged me. He used to take note of my intelligence and wisdom, but most of all he noticed my heart. He would say he didn't understand us locals, but that's why I hadn't received a Shasi yet. I didn't need one. I was already a complete package. He admired my strength and all the bullying in ice sculpting class didn't matter anymore. I was good enough just being me. I taught him how to fix a snow-mobile. We used to ride together until our noses were cold and our cheeks were chapped. He used to make me spiced cider and taught me a recipe he made just for me. We'd share a cup.

I couldn't be with him though. I refuse to even mention his name.

If the home world found out, they would never trust us to join them in battle. They needed my fleet as much as I needed theirs. My loyalties couldn't have a blurred line. The home world is afraid to attack the Mastals without us. I can't let them know what we have either. The home world is divided. Some of them might sell the information of my hidden fleet to my enemies. It might be worth a good treaty.

If I had chosen my lover the Mastals would have won. It would be the end. Some days I wanted to send my fleet and attack the Mastals. The home world would join in, but upon seeing the strength of us combined the Mastals would refuse open battle. They would always remain a threat then, even if they couldn't win decisively. The attrition might not be so good for us. I couldn't let that happen. If there is one thing I have learned growing up on this planet, it is to be like a Shasi. When you have the opportunity, aim for the throat. Don't let it slowly bleed.

Regardless, my lover would have died in the coming battles. He was a low ranking Mastal. His job was guaranteed death. As we grew closer, my love grew colder within. I weighed my choices. The Mastals were the growing evil on the planet. It was best to just coat everything in white and blank it out. Like snow. Like Elissa Moon.

I look in the mirror from time to time. I couldn't betray my people.

The last I heard of my lover was that he was on one of the torture ships. I hired some mercenaries to try and kill him again. It would look bad if people found out he was my lover. I'm just grateful it is still a secret. What haunts me the most are his last words to me. He wrote me a letter.

Lovely Calissa, my best friend.

I hope no one finds this letter. I'd risk my life to send it again. I know there are things we talked about. You never know. I might live through the battle. You're right I wouldn't. I learned to trust your intelligence and concern. It made me feel safe from all the evil I see around me each day on ship. No amount of metal armor can protect me from what I'm going through. We are the enemies of our time. Outer space may be void, but that doesn't mean a few stars aren't shining.

I'm glad you had a change of heart and warned me. The mercenaries can be efficient killers. Knowing you, you'll try again until you succeed. I know. I'm the last heart string to cut.

I have a cup of cider for you. I left it out hoping it wouldn't get cold. I'm just glad you wrote one last time. It's been eight months, one week, three days. I guess you were my neon love in the end. I'm a local already like you said, eh? I just wanted you to be my reality. You still are my reality. I have some earrings I planned on giving you at our wedding that we once planned together. You promised. I chose them carefully. You can say they're an heirloom from your mother. I know you have an image to protect. I'm just hoping your love shines through it one day.

I poured all my hope into this gift, so I hope this letter reaches you.

You broke my heart. You're the half that's missing. Don't let politics destroy what is real.

I censored out his name. I wouldn't want someone getting hold of it and tracing it. I decided to share my story with Audris and Lenoa. Just not now. When I get back we'll sit in my bedroom and inhale our weekly herbs and grasses. We'll drink our cider and play our strategy game on the wall screen. I will tell them everything and hold back my tears with a smile. It's my day off today. Let me enjoy it.

“So are you going to tell us?” Audris interrupts my thoughts.

“Yes. I keep my promises.” I manage to say. The truth was, that was just a fairy tale.