I REFUSE TO CRY. NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL THE MEMORIES ARE, I WOULD RATHER FOLLOW MY MOTHER INTO THE Eastern Desert than to cry in front of someone—notably Zak. He is silent for a prolonged moment. I don’t know if I should say something. A tear glides down my cheek. I wipe it away, but not before it goes overlooked. I press myself against the corner, attempting to disappear.

There is a prolonged silence as Zak fights for what to say. When he speaks, the worst thing he could think of saying bubbles from his lips.

“Darsal, I knew you were a Guardian the moment I saw you,” Zak confesses, “I—I turned you in.”

I don’t move. I can just glare. I don’t hit him, or pull out a knife. All I do is sit in the corner, feeling my anger burn inside of me. He’s been the enemy from the start.

“But that was before, Darsal. I hated you. But that was because I—I knew, okay. I knew just how broken Carrie was. I wanted to hurt you just as bad as you hurt her.”

“Don’t you get it? I know what I did! And I wish with all my being that I could go back. I feel more pain thinking about Carrie than receiving a knife in the gut.

“I know, Darsal. I was wrong. I was so very wrong,” he says softly, rubbing his forehead, “And my da—General Sanderson did nothing. He noticed you before I did. He watched you, and he could discern that you weren’t going back to the Guardians. But Darsal, today, I had to come up with so many reasons he shouldn’t kill you. But what he came up with might not be much better.”

***

I sit in the dark, with nothing to do to distract me from my crowding thoughts. What did Zak mean by it wouldn’t be much better?

I can’t conclude with anything anymore. Why do I keep crying? Why do I feel like I’m abruptly betraying the Guardians by coming to General Sanderson’s aid? It’s almost as if I feel guilty for leaving the Guardians. I attempt to prevent my train of thought, but I can’t. They—they are my family, and I left them. I slowly fall asleep, mind lingering on the thought; what if they hadn’t betrayed me, but I had betrayed them? Had I betrayed Carrie?

***

“Darsal, my son, Zak, must have you handcuffed to you whenever you are not in the training or in your sleeping tent.” General Sanderson says.

I gape at him, shocked. This can’t be happening. I arch my eyebrows so high it hurts. Zak doesn't seem to have been aware of this either.

“Nuh-uh,” I say, “Sorry General, but that just won’t work. No offence, Zak, but we aren’t friends anymore and we do not get along.”

“I agree with her, here. This won’t work after what you made me do,” Zak chimes in, voice urgent.

General’s expression doesn’t change and I know his determination won’t either. He just crosses his arms and glares at me. Zak sighs at his defeat. I clench my jaw. I look up at the ceiling, my foot tapping frantically. No, no, no. Come on, do this for Carrie, Darsal. Do this for Carrie.

“Fine,” I grumble.

I know I’m supposed to be grown up, never showing when I don’t dislike something, but this is too much. Last night changes nothing. He can have Carrie put to death at a moment's notice, and I won’t forgive him for that.

I take a deep breath. I have to gain their confidence. As soon as I do that, I’m going to run away. It's just a plain fact. General Sanderson seems to know what I’m up to, but I don’t have any other option.

***

I sit alone in the cell. The day has been awful. My trainer is some big guy, named Guater, who seems like he could tear off my head with two fingers. It has been hours of continual, sweaty training. The food is an improvement, though, since General Sanderson says that eating is the key to strength.

The cold air envelopes me in a chilling quilt. I encircle my arms around myself to keep warm. Zak is somewhere with his father. All I can think about is him keeping his mouth shut. If he lets it slip, my sister Carrie is better dead. I love Carrie with all my being. They will lynch me before they get her name out of me. To Zak, it doesn't matter whether she lives or dies. He can tell General Sanderson about Carrie, have me killed, and his problems would die along with.

My gut tightens, my heart beating in my chest like a sledgehammer. I stiffen all the muscles in my body as I hug my knees. I feel the rushing urge to cry, but I push back the tears.

And then, for the first time, I face what I’ve been running from. I have betrayed Carrie. I left her to the Guardians. No family, everyone having run out on her. I’ve left her. I can’t distinguish how I’m supposed to make up for that, but I know that I have to. If I don't, my favourite person in the entire world might not take me back as her sister. I feel as if a throwing knife embedded itself in my gut — what if Carrie doesn’t want me anymore? What if she isn’t the small, innocent girl I left behind? What if she’s become bitter; it would all be my fault.

I can’t sleep. All my muscles ache from the drills I have done, but my mind can’t relax. I feel like it should be the end. All ideas of sleep have evaporated. The only thing I can concentrate on is the question, searing in my mind like hot coals: Had I destroyed who I love most? Turned her into a monster?