Chapter 6: A Life Worth Saving

A few days had passed since I had arrived at the hotel. Eli still wasn’t talking to me and Arno had been assigned the oh-so-glorious-task of following me around. Most of my time was spent in meetings where I learned nothing; or laying in bed looking at Lianna’s picturebook, waiting for something to happen. It was weird not having a schedule. Not having to get up early and work for twelve hours straight. I had dreamt of eating three meals a day, looking out windows, feeling the wind. And here I was. I was as close to freedom as I had ever been. Yet, it wasn’t satisfying.

Arno was as cheerful as ever, but it was hard to get any real conversation out of him. The only one that seemed talkative so far had been Fiori, but he was constantly surrounded by people, and incredibly busy. There were others that lived full time in the hotel, but I didn’t know how to approach them. They all knew each other, and even if I had wanted to, I wouldn’t have known how to fit in. Small talk wasn’t something I was good at. The truth is, I had no idea how to befriend people. I had no idea how to make conversation. That was just not something we did back at the orphanage. And clearly, after the fiasco with Eli, I needed to work on my people skills.

Freedom wasn’t turning out to be like anything I had imagined. I was bored, confused and scared all at once. Always in the dark. Sitting in my room wasn’t fulfilling in anyway. I wanted answers. I wanted someone to engage with. I wanted something to do. A task, responsibility, a purpose. So, I asked Arno: “How do people kill time here?”

As always, his answer was lost in a chuckle.

I pressed on: “What do they do? Where do they go?”

Chuckles, more chuckles.

I quickly lost my patience.

“Do you even know what the heck is happening here? Or do you just stand there smiling like a dumbass.”

Silence.

Good, I thought, he’s listening to me!

“I can’t sit here all day; I need something to do with my hands. Something to keep me busy,” I added.

Awkward silence.

Then he answered me very seriously: “I can leave the room if you want… I get it, you’re a teenager.”

It took me a few seconds to understand what he meant. I felt the blood rush through my face.

“No! NO! that’s not what I meant.”

Chuckles.

He had me. Of course, he knew that wasn’t what I had meant. But once more he had successfully managed to evade my question. Clearly, he was a master wordsmith. There was no getting around it with him. I buried my face in my pillow and screamed in frustration.

“Fine,” I snarked. “You leave the room, while I masturbate!”

Now it was his turn to be surprised.

He quickly left embarrassed.

There were no chuckles.

I was alone.

I got up.

Walked back and forth in my room.

Sat on my bed.

Pulled the picturebook from under my mattress.

Quickly flipped through it, avoiding the yellow bird.

Ran my fingers over the girl’s name.

“Lianna,” I murmured. “Were you bored too? Confused? Sad? Is this the world you lived in? Was it always dark, like this?”

I heard voices down the hallway.

I quickly hid the book.

I slightly opened my door.

I peeked.

It was Fiori and two other people I had seen around. A tall woman with long curly red hair and a short man with a scruffy beard and disheveled hair. Arno was nowhere to be found. I decided to follow them.

I walked quickly to catch up to them. There was no point in hiding. Either they would let me come or they wouldn’t.

“Hi,” I mumbled out of breath. To keep up with them, I was almost running.

“Good! You finally left your room,” Fiori replied, without even turning to see who was behind him.

We crossed the entire building then made our way down two floors below. I had never been there. There was a huge room with big chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. It was all falling apart, but you could tell it had been a very nice place. The torn wallpaper, the ripped carpet, the wooden trim and silver hardware were the remaining ghosts of a very different era.

As I was examining the room, a loud bang threw me to the ground. I covered my head shaking.

Another bang.

Then another one.

I was curled up on the floor unable to move, paralyzed by fear. I could smell the gunpowder. The gunshots had stopped, but I didn’t dare look. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t stop shaking. All I could think was that it would have been much better for me to stay in my room today… masturbating or whatever else… anything would have been better.

“Get up dude,” the voice commanded. I looked up; Fiori was crouching in front of me. “Don’t pass out. I am not carrying you back to your room… again…”

I was confused, but mostly embarrassed. Fiori helped me up. He was a lot stronger than he looked. He helped me brush off the dust and pointed me in the direction of the noise.

“This is our makeshift, practice shooting range,” he explained. “I also use this space to train my soldiers in hand to hand combat and precision grenade launching. Although we don’t use actual grenades for that.”

Was that a joke? Should I laugh?

He smiled as he showed me around.

“This is Ashe,” he said pointing at the tall women. “She used to be a Captain when I was General in the army. You don’t want to mess with her. She’ll take you down before you even have time to be afraid. But above all, she’s smart.”

I could hear the respect in his voice as he talked about her. It was a mix of admiration and trust. She smiled at us, then emptied her clip.

Everyone of her shots hit the target.

“Do you want to try?” she asked me.

Frankly, I didn’t. I didn’t care for guns. And the sound of her last shot was still sending shivers down my spine. But before I could refuse, Fiori handed me his pistol, a slight grin forming on his face. It was cold and heavy. It made me dizzy for a second. I almost dropped it. Fiori pushed me gently toward the range. I struggled to walk without falling over. All eyes fell on me.

Ashe helped me get into a proper shooting position. She was kind and patient. Yet, I just wanted to run away. I had to muster all my courage just to not drop the gun. I extended my arm but was shaking so violently that I had to bring it back down.

“Take a deep breath,” Ashe whispered in my ears. “It’s the same for everyone the first time.” She grabbed my arm gently and raised it back up to eye level. “You can do it,” she murmured.

From my peripheral vision, I could see Fiori staring intensely at me. For some reason, I felt like I wanted to impress him. I wanted to show him I could do it. But I was shaking so badly again, I had to compose my self once more. I took a long, deep breath. I slowed my heart rate. My hand finally stopped shaking. I closed my eyes for a split second, trying to clear my mind.

I am not afraid, I thought. I can do it, I said to myself.

“You can do it,” said a small voice in my head.

It was the young girl from my dreams. She was standing next to me. Her left hand on my right hand. Helping me hold the gun steady.

“You can do it, Fenn,” she said again.

I opened my eyes. My hand was steady. I could clearly see my target. I squeezed the trigger. The shot fired. The bullet flew. I flinched back, surprised by the recoil. I dropped the gun. I didn’t mean too! But I had too. My hands just suddenly felt so… dirty.

Ashe jumped. “Hey! That’s dangerous!” She scolded me.

But I wasn’t listening to her. I was looking at the target. Fiori was looking at the target. Everyone was looking at the target. My shot had hit the bullseye.

Fiori clapped. “Not bad,” he admitted. “Can you do that again?”

Of course, I couldn’t do that again. It was a fluke. A complete fluke, I thought. I frowned and stared back at Fiori.

“Right. I suppose it was beginner’s luck,” he joked. “Hopefully you’ll warm up to the touch of the cold steel. I think you could become an excellent shooter. Besides, it’s all about calculations and I heard you were particularly good in math.” There was no sarcasm in his comment; he was genuinely excited about my prospect.

As Ashe put the gun away, she confirmed my feeling: “The General knows talent when he sees it. He’s the one who discovered me. He discovered all of us,” she added, motioning at everyone in the room.

“And who discovered him?” I jokingly asked.

“I don’t know. He’s not one to talk about himself. I heard once that he wasn’t born in Antarticum. But I doubt it’s true. You don’t just move to Antarticum. You have to be invited.”

Target practice continued without me. Fiori offered me a bottle of water and we both took a seat along the wall furthest away from the range.

“I need to train you,” he said brusquely. “As you stand, you won’t survive five minutes in the outside world. It’s not that you can’t do it. You have all the skills you need to be strong. No, what worries me is that you’re gutless. You don’t seem to have any desire to stay alive.”

I had to think a few seconds about what he had just said. Somehow it felt like he wasn’t quite getting it.

“It has nothing to do with staying alive. I want to live. Of course, I do! It’s killing I’m against. I don’t want to kill. I don’t want to shoot people. If I am going to survive just by killing someone, then what’s the point? Why would my life be more important than the one I take?”

It was his turn to reflect. He sighed. “You’re right. Looking at it that way. A life for a life is just an exchange. It doesn’t mean anything. But some people use their lives to do great things. Things that affect people far beyond themselves. Those are the lives worth protecting. Those are the lives worth killing for.”

I could see what he was trying to say, but it still didn’t make sense in my head. “So, based on the assumption that I might use my life for the greater good, then it’s ok for me to kill? But what is the greater good? And who gets to decide the definition? It’s all fine for me to become one of your soldiers, but who’s war are we fighting? How do we know we are in the right? How can I justify killing anyone, if I don’t even know myself what it is that I am fighting for?”

Fiori nodded with a sad smile on his face. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave in. “Well then, if that is how you feel. But until you find your purpose. Until you find out if your life is worth killing for. Until you uncover what it is that you are fighting for, you’d be best to stay alive. Because once you die; you can no longer get answers to your questions.”

Fiori extended his hand and helped me up. “Let’s start with the foundations. One on one combat. First, I’ll teach you some self defence moves. No need to kill anyone.” He winked. I curled up my nose in discontentment.

He called the bearded man over. His name was Doran. Together, him and Doran modeled a few moves for me to learn.

Unexpectedly, I was a quick learner. It all just felt so natural. Like my body knew what to do. I practiced relentlessly, trying to prove my worth.

It was lunch time, before Arno finally found me. By the look on his face, he wasn’t amused with my sudden disappearance. He wasn’t laughing, but I was. My new-found acquired self confidence was enough for me to even call him out on it.

“You didn’t really think I’d stay in my room masturbating all day, did you?”

Fiori nearly choked on his water. Ashe whistled and Doran laughed as Arno mumbled. I slapped him on the back.

“It’s ok,” I whispered to him. “Thank you for the privacy. I appreciated it. After all this workout, I’m hungry! What about you? Let’s go have lunch.”