Chapter 5: Someone is Always Left Behind

We sat on the roof top. It was uncomfortable. There wasn’t much of a view either. The buildings were all very close together. But we could see the sky and that was impressive. Especially since I had never, in my life, seen the night sky before. I knew about the stars, the sun, the solar system, but these were, for me, just empty words in a book. What I was discovering was something no words could have described. Such magnificent beauty on a scale much larger than I could fathom. Infinity had a new meaning and it was big. It was bigger than me, bigger than this city. Bigger than the planet I stood on. It made me feel so insignificant. It made me think.

If the world is this big, if I am but a tiny speck in the universe, why has Hana rescued me, a worthless expendable boy?

“It’s beautiful,” I whispered.

“Isn’t it! I’m glad you like it. It lasts four months,” said Eli.

“Four months?!?!”

“That’s just how it is for us. Luckily, the weather isn’t nearly as cold here as it was at my orphanage.”

Lost in my thoughts, I couldn’t help but be disappointed that I wouldn’t get to see the blue sky for a while longer.

“Do you want to kiss me?”

I jumped at Eli’s voice.

“What? No! I mean why?”

I was stunned. Such a weird offer. And so sudden. She was leaning over me, dangerously close. I could feel her breath on my forehead.

“It’s just, I figured, you might want to try. I know physical contact is forbidden in orphanages. Well at least it was at mine.”

She backed away from my face and curled up next to me before continuing.

“Growing up I use to wonder what it would be like to be hugged, to hold hands, to be loved, to not be lonely. I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never mattered to anyone…no one…. I was rescued six months ago for whatever reason, but all I’ve done since coming here is sit through meetings or sit in my room. I don’t understand what they want from me? Why me? Why did….”

I didn’t let her finish. I turned to my side and wrapped her in my arms. It wasn’t about love. It wasn’t teenage curiosity. I knew what she had meant. That feeling of being lonely. That emptiness and longing for human contact. The gentle touch of a friend. Needing to matter. Needing to care for someone. I know because I had felt like that too. Except, I had had Eva.

I kept my arms tight around her and brought her closer to me. She gave a huge sigh of relief. Like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

“Could you see the stars from your orphanage?” she asked.

“No. I spent my entire life within three concrete rooms with no windows, no outside lights.”

“I see,” she pondered. “My orphanage, Nova Cibus, was a dairy and poultry farm. I was in charge of bringing the cows back and forth from the fields to the barns. Everyday, approximately 2500 head of cattle. They wouldn’t give us horses to do it. They wouldn’t give us boots to wear. We were sent out in the fields, walking barefoot, knee deep in the mud or snow. Winter like summer. You didn’t do this job very long, you were either beaten to death or frozen to death. But I survived. Winter after winter. Beating after beating. I just wouldn’t die. Not that I had a will to live. Frankly I didn’t care whether I lived or not. But I guess I enjoyed seeing their faces, every time I stood back up, after they thought they’d finally killed me. They had taken my freedom; they could try and take my life if they wanted. But they would never have the satisfaction of seeing me beg for a quick death. Never once. I kept my head up high and I walked on. But deep down, I was lonely and that was the worst pain. Worse than the broken ribs, the broken nose, the cuts on my feet, the frost bite on my hands. I was afraid that I would die, and no one would cry for me. No one would remember me…. How did you manage to go on? To find a way to make your life meaningful within those concrete walls?”

“I didn’t. It’s as you said. I didn’t care if I lived or I died. Once you start caring about something, or someone, that’s when you can get hurt. That’s when living becomes a burden.”

“But you said you had Eva?” she probed.

“I did. And that was a big mistake. I don’t know why I was rescued. I don’t know why she was left behind. It’s not like I loved her. But the idea that I left her behind hurts. The idea that I couldn’t do something as simple as hold on to her hand, makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Eva was my work partner. We did the same task. We had our meals together too… That’s it. But I feel like I failed her and now she’s gone. And it’s my fault. And I miss her. And it hurts. It just hurts.

As far as I can remember, I’ve always had very vivid dreams. Not exactly nightmares. But in a way, they were even worse. A nightmare scares you but then you wake up, you collect yourself and all is well. My dreams were different. I could see things I didn’t even know existed. I could feel the wind. I could walk down majestic laneways stretching long between harvested fields. I could hear the birds sing; music from a piano. It was like being given freedom. But then I’d wake up. Still in the dormitory. And the reality of my life would crush me. The disappointment was unbearable. It was worse than any pain, worse than the feeling of starvation, worse than the cold in winter and the heat in summer. To be given freedom, night after night, only to have it taken away in the morning was torture.

I was ten years old, I think, when I decided I would no longer sleep. The first night I did alright. The second one too. But by the third night, I couldn’t do it. So, I started stabbing myself with a fork I had stolen at dinner time, hoping the physical pain would keep me awake. It was deep into the night. Everyone was asleep. I had stabbed my thigh already three times. I was about to stab it again, when a hand gently grabbed my wrist, stopping me in mid motion. I looked up. It was the girl who sat next to me on the assembly line. She took the fork away from me and she hugged me. She hugged me until I fell asleep. I didn’t have any dreams that night. When I woke up, she had gone back to her bed. After that, she often slept by my side. I still had dreams of freedom and the outside world, but waking up next to her, was enough to keep me going.

She was strong, always smiling, always doing what needed to be done. She shared her food, no matter how little she had, with younger kids who were still hungry. She was just a nice person. A genuinely nice person. When they came to rescue me, she was with me. There was a commotion following the bomb explosion, and together we made a run for the exit. But in the dark, with all the debris and the smoke, it was hard to make our way forward. I was holding her hand tightly, clutching it as I hard as I could, yet, I couldn’t hold on. I lost my grip and her fingers slipped from my grasp. I tried in all the confusion to find her, but couldn’t, so I just kept going. I left her behind. I knowingly, consciously left her behind. I chose the prospect of freedom over helping her. I am a horrible person.”

I had blurted out all this so quickly, I surprised myself. I had never talked this freely before. But sharing things with Eli had come so easily.

“I left someone behind too”, she said, “although I never knew him really. When Hana came to rescue me, she was looking for someone else as well. I didn’t know. I had no idea it wasn’t just me she was rescuing. She was also coming for my twin brother. Can you imagine, all this time I had a twin brother and never knew it. But in the end, she couldn’t find him. I guess he must have died. I’ll never know. But it broke my heart to find out that maybe, all this time, I hadn’t been alone. I had family. Maybe we had our meals together, maybe we worked together. I’ll never know. During my time at the orphanage, I witnessed death daily. My roommates, my coworkers, so many of them gone. But life went on. The day I was rescued, I gained and lost a brother. I had no idea how painful it could be to lose someone I didn’t even know existed moments before. But the hurt was real. The hurt is still real. To have been so close and yet so far. I wonder where his body is buried. I wonder what he looked like.”

I hugged her even tighter. A twinge in my heart. I couldn’t help but wonder where Eva was. Was she alive? Was she still at the orphanage? Eli fell asleep nestled against my chest. I didn’t want to wake her up. My arm was completely numb, but she seemed so peaceful, I let her be. She was tiny, but I could tell, her and I were the same age. She was pretty. She had big brown eyes, blond hair to her shoulders, high cheekbones and a beautiful smile. It was hard to imagine that such a frail girl had survived the beatings she had described. I fell asleep playing with a strand of her hair.

That night, I had a new dream. One I had never had before. In my dream, I stood in the middle of a field. A farm maybe? I was surrounded by people. I couldn’t see their faces, though I don’t think I knew them. There was this voice talking to me. But it sounded distant. I could hardly make out what it said. I started walking towards the voice. Still I couldn’t get close enough to understand.

This dream felt different. Not nearly as vivid as the ones I would usually have. This one was more of a nagging feeling. It felt incomplete. I started running. The voice was calling me. The voice had something important to tell me. I was almost there. Almost. And just as the image faded away, I heard it: “I am your brother”.

Suddenly in a quick succession of overlapping images, the yellow bird appeared. Another image came. I was standing in an operating room. A little girl was strapped to the table. I could hear piano in the background. Once more I was transported to another place. Everything was happening so fast, one image after the other, barely time to breathe. Chaotic flashes. I could still hear the piano. I followed the sound. I was in a living room with large windows. The sunlight flooding the place. From the back I could see a little girl. She was the one playing the piano. Then she was gone. Then the fancy house. A boy. A lonely boy. The door opened. The boy ran in. I followed him. He was too quick for me. I couldn’t make it in time. I woke up covered in sweat. My pulse was elevated. My legs were sore. Had I really been running? No, it was just a dream.

My eyes were now wide open. The moon was still high in the sky. Eli was still asleep. She had drool coming out of her mouth and she was snoring. She somehow didn’t look half as cute. It made me smile. I thought about how mortified she’d be if Fiori saw her that way.

I tried to wake her up gently, but that earned me an arm slap across the face. I wiggled my arm from under her and sat up. She was still snoring.

I poked her cheek: “Hey Eli, wake up!”

I must have startled her, because she suddenly sat up, grabbed my hand and threw me over her shoulder. It all happened so fast; it took me completely by surprise.

“Oh my god! I am so sorry!” she said leaning over me. “My characteristics have a mind of their own. They can be quite impulsive.”

No shit!

“How did you do that? How do you do that?” I asked bewildered.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure. It happens when I feel threatened. Like a self defense mechanism. I get a surge of power. It’s the same thing when I get hurt or if I’m injured. It’s like my body was built to curve assault and withstand abuse. The thing is, I don’t control anything. It just happens. I wonder if my brother was the same. Probably not, or he wouldn’t have died so easily.”

I was amazed by what she had just confided in me. I had never seen characteristics like that: so powerful, so scary. It started to make sense to me that they would have rescued her. If they could harness her characteristics, she could become a powerful weapon.

I had to stop myself here.

What am I saying?!?! Harnessing her characteristics, powerful weapon, I sound just like the government!

Regardless, I could tell she was of value for anyone who could get her on their side.

“I know what you’re thinking. They all think like you! I know my characteristics are amazing. Everyone knows it. But no one has ever been able to control them. Not even me. The government tried. The orphanage staff tried. I tried. Fiori, who was incredibly patient, spent two months trying with me. It’s as I said; a self defense mechanism that only gets triggered if I feel my life is in danger. I guess you could say, even if I wanted to die, my body won’t let me.”

That was a good way to put it. But she didn’t seem so convinced. Still, it made me think about my own characteristics. What did I know about my abilities? Not much really. I knew that I wasn’t allowed to use them, to display them or to talk about them. I knew that no one was. But even if I had been allowed to, I wouldn’t have told anyone.

My characteristic was not flashy like Eli’s. However, like her, it could be used as self defense. Except, I had full control over it. It was quite simple really.

I could just touch someone.

Skin to skin contact.

One finger was enough, but the whole hand was better.

I could touch someone and suck the life out of them. I could steal their energy, until they died.

When I was at the orphanage, the guards never came close to me. They must have known what I could do. I don’t know how many people knew, or if any of the other orphans knew. I don’t think Eva did, otherwise there is no way she would have hugged me so carelessly.

A thought struck me! Could Hana have known? Were they hoping to make an assassin out of me? In which case I would refuse! I refuse to kill anyone! But it could explain why they had rescued me.

“Hey, Eli, do you think Hana has a bigger plan? Do you think she goes around rescuing people with… deadly characteristics for…?”

“Deadly characteristics?” she frowned. “What are you talking about!?! My characteristics aren’t deadly!” She paused. “Oh! Ok… um… so what exactly can you do?”

I had talked too fast. I had no plans on telling anyone about my characteristic. But now that I had opened my trap, I doubted she would let me get away without telling her.

I sighed.

Before I could say anything, she frightfully asked in a very low voice: “How do you do it? How do you kill someone? What is it that you have to do?”

I raised my hand and rested it on the side of her face. Her skin was smooth. Our eyes locked. “That’s it. That’s all I have to do. I could kill you right here, right now if I wanted to. But I won’t. I have never killed. I will never kill. I could never do that!” I said, slightly shaking.

I could see the fear in her eyes. Deep, paralyzing fear.

“How do you know you can kill if you’ve never done it before? How do you know how to do it, if you’ve never done it before? How many people have you really killed?”

These last words were said slowly; she had pressed on each syllable with such accusation. Her low voice had cut right through me. I lowered my arm to my side and took one step back, away from her.

“Don’t you ever touch me again”, she whispered between her teeth.

I nodded with a sad smile.

I could never kill, I thought. But it didn’t matter to her.